i love 2 read...

okay, so here goes, my next passion... i'm keeping true to my promise, see?
i love 2 read, i really do...i guess being born in a family of teachers as parents really engraved in you that particular interest. but seriously,i remembered when i was in primary school i used to like reading malay short stories in magazines, could finish a whole book of translated enid blyton's series in a day and started to read complicated short stories from those highly literated dewan sastera, dewan siswa, bla...bla...bla...
and then i remembered when i was twelve or thirteen years old, my eldest sister gave me my first english novel as a birthday present. anne of green gables. she gave that particular book to me since i love watching the story so much on tv. but then i couldn't really read it yet, because it was a thick book and i didn't come from an english-spoken family.
but then when i was in form 3, i had this teacher, an english teacher who really helped me to love english more and that sister of mine, bless her, kept on buying me english novels, this time a francine pascal's sweet valley series, and before you knew it i was hooked. i was tightly, unavoidably and irreversibly hooked on the language and fell madly in love with it... hahaha... i wish i could say the same for a man...
but anyway, so there went my journey in discovering this particular passion of mine... i ended up buying a complete set of anne of green gables series and more sweet valley series, even my sister, instead of buying them, she borrowed them from me and when i was finishing secondary school, she introduced more books. this time, judith mcnaught's... hahaha... i know what you're thinking... because of judith, i could shamelessly call myself a hopeless romantic...
well, you couldn't possibly help it... that's what a novel does to you... it opens up a whole new world (Aladin and his magic carpet flew into my mind rite now) of imaginations, hopeless dreams, hopeful wishes, dashing heroes and dazzling heroines kept grinning at you in your head, tempting you to dream and dream and there goes my imagination... flown away so far, even Aladin's magic carpet couldn't catch up...
and not just judith, there's also jane austen, although i couldn't really finish up pride and prejudice and i've bought persuasion for almost a year and still did not read it but i pretty much know the stories.
it's a habit i have, you see... i tend to read the synopsis of the story, a little bit of the beginning and i zoom straight to the end... everytime i go to buy books, i do that... it's like breaking the rule of reading or something, but that's just the way i am...
so,back to reading, not only judith and jane who caught me, there was also once upon a time when i went to buy a whole series of meg cabot's, the chick flicks of a particular shopaholic by sophie kinsella and much more down-to-earth reality fiction by cecelia ahern...
but then i remembered once upon time i used to read a book entitled princess by jean sasson in my school library... a story of a brave Arabian princess trying to change her tradition... i ended up buying the book and its two sequels... and i started to read more reality stories...
and it turned out i love those dynasty sort of stories... i read last empress of china by anchee min and was impressed by this small woman who held such power over a dynasty known to be the most powerful in its era... and now i'm collecting knowledge on the tudor's famous queens and its particular dissatisfied king, Henry the eighth, written in a few books by philippa gregory...
but i have to admit, just like the case from anne of green gables, my interest in that particular kingdom started from a movie, the other boleyn girl, based on a book with the same title by phillipa... so i ended up buying the book and reading it and there i go again... tightly bound and head over heels in love... damn, really wish i could say that for a man...
never mind that, but now, judith mcnaught's seem a million miles away... i mean, yes, she wrote great stories, really did sweep me off my feet, and hey she gained bestsellers after bestsellers... and yes, i read more historical romances too, not just hers...
but really, how long could you live by depending on a fairytale ending to color your life which might or might not happen truly?
so, now basically, my hopeless romantic self had turned into a bitter devil-may-care self...
it's just my way of sticking to the ground, my way of trying to bring me back to reality whenever i dream out loud in silence too much, my way of telling myself over and over and over that my life is not and never would be a story book, let alone one with a fairy tale ending...
the reality in those books i read now, anchee min's, phillipa gregory's, jean sasson's caught me back to the ground and slammed that Aladin's carpet pretty much back to where it belongs... those books were real, and they scarcely ended happily...most of them ended with tragedies and these were stories of great people, of princesses and queens, much like disney's cinderella and sleeping beauty and snow white, but they were real. they did live. and their lives were so colorful and some of their deaths were so painstakingly abrupt and terrible, it got me thinking...
seriously... is fairy tale real? the answer is a hard no... it's a tale of fairy, for heaven's sake, and do we have fairies buzzing around us rite now? nope.
so, okay, i read romances, chick flicks for the fun of it... i read real life stories for the lesson in them... and i learned a lot... seriously...
so, what i'm trying to say is (gosh, really, after this long lecture, you would think i have already said what i wanted to say) that i love to read...
i've come a long way to appreciate this particular passion i have... it teaches me a lot of things and still do...and i have to admit i learn more from story books and novels than i could ever learn from pharmacology textbook or guidelines of antibiotics...
these textbooks and guidelines tell you hard theories, something you couldn't avoid, something you have to take point blank without argument, but with novels or story books, particularly those real life story ones, they tell you hidden lessons, something you have to think over before you can decide on, something about life...
simple as it may sound, novels and story books i read teach me about life...
and i found new novels teaching me about life too. this time, surprisingly, the novels are in malay, written by a malaysian as ebooks before she/he (i seriously suspect it's a she, from her blog) published them through http://www.jemariseni.com/... hlovate was her pen name and although what she'd written could be called romances in its own wicked way, they teach quite a tremendous lessons of life... i seriously want to meet her... because from her one particular book, aA+bB, i could say i was hooked, tightly, unavoidably and irreversibly bound, and fell madly and hopelessly and head over heelsly in love with a man...hah, finally, i could say that... sadly, this man is not real...a hero in a book (and in this case, it's Benz Alif Sulaiman from that book) can never be real...
if i'm lucky, and i mean, very, very, very lucky, i get to meet a man like him...the way hlovate portrayed him to be in that book is the way, the very traits i look for in a man, all this time i've been searching...and i haven't found one yet... i found it in a book, instead, in a work of fiction and i realize i'm not the only one then looking for a man like that... hlovate, if she's truly a girl is the same as me, if she hasn't already found one...
so rite on, i really want to meet her... and the real life honest-to-goodness version of Benji...
so here goes, my passion of reading... it got me something, didn't it?hm...

kursus kaunseling metadon

hm, seeing that title almost made me laugh out loud. cam kelakar tengok tajuk skema semacam kat blog main2 i ni... but anyway, for those yg x tau, kursus is well, a kursus, which is basically an education session that might take a whole day to accomplish or 2 weeks at the most (from what i heard, if longer than that, dah x panggil kursus, baik panggil kuliah, or kelas or the most boring thing in the world or hm, whatever)...kuikui...and kaunseling...
well, kaunseling atau nk ejaan omputihnye, counseling, is basically a session between 2 or more people to handle things one person can't handle it alone... that was basically what i can conclude from the kursus yg pada mulenye malas gile nk pergi, but end up pergi jd bestla plak... but the best part tu sebab die byk fokus on the counseling technique in general, not only for methadone clients, tu yg best.. kalau focus on methadone client je, mau nk muntah hijau ku dibuatnye...
so, what the hell is methadone?
methadone is a harm reduction, and i repeat, harm reduction treatment for drug addicts...there, simple, to the point, and serve the purpose. bukan ape nk repeat sgt harm reduction part tu, tapi tu yg dibrainwashed kan pada kami yg pergi kursus (kursus lagi!) pendispensan methadone dolu2 tu... dan diaorg nk sgt ckp harm reduction sebab, kat malaysia setakat ni xde lg yg betul2 pulih from drug addiction selepas ambik methadone... so nk cover, ckpla harm reduction, instead of really a curing treatment... tp tula sebenarnye... x pastila methadone ni betul2 blh x menyembuhkan drug addiction... byk studies kate boleh, in theory kate boleh, in reality? Wallahualam... harap2 bolehla...
kalau nak harapkan harm reduction, it wasn't because of methadone alone... this is where counseling plays a major role sebenarnye... kalau nk harapkan diaorg datang minum kat depan pharmacist every day for at least 2 years, naik muak jugak diaorg... buatnye lagi tgk muke pharmacist yg muncung masam macam i ni... lgla x mau... so, ape yg blh buat diaorg lekat, besides the fact that methadone is free kat hosp n klinik kerajaan, yela, dah x yah perabih duit beli dadah kat luar, is counseling.
so, from pharmacist's part, x byk pun yg boleh dikaunsel... setakat side effects, interaction tu bolehla... but the rest? counsellorla...pharmacist x leh nk memandai-mandai kalau dh bukan bidang die...
tapi this kursus helps jugakla... simple2 things, bile diaorg datang ngadu benda bukan ubat,at least blhla tahan dengar je... masuk telinge kanan, laju berdesup kuar kut kiri... kadang2 tu x sempat kuar kut kiri pun, kuar kut kanan balik... but then, tula teknik kaunseling yg paling powerful... listening... attentively... dh habis kuar sume aduan, dan dh beredar pun org yg mengadu, dh x ingat ape dh org yg diadu... but then, even us, when we talk 2 someone and she/he listens, we feel relieved already, at least a bit... so tu kire dh tolong dh...
n this kursus helps that way... i mean, bukan klien methadone je yg perlu dikaunsel... org2 lain pun in our everyday life.. even we ourselves. so this kursus helps to calm our mind, make us listen 2 those voices in our head more attentively and those art techniques really were damned fun!
so basically, dari x nak,menyampah, alergi nak pergi kursus kaunseling ni, jadi suke and enjoyla pulak...
tapi, in the methadone clients' punye kes, kalau buatnye diaorg anjur kursus untuk methadone je, ade i lari berdesup dengan kelajuan lagi laju dari halaju cahaya! hehehe... tamaula... bosanla...
hah, nak kena brainwash lagi kut...tamau!!kesimpulannye, x sampai lagi tahap nk betul2 tolong diaorg ni... ntahle, dh byk sangat kot tengok yang rosak, naik fedup pun ade...
serious, memang nak kena brainwash lagi...

New Divide...

by Linkin Park...great song, wonderful lyrics...

I remembered black skies
The lightning all around me
I remembered each flash
As time began to blur
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me

And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide

There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing

And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Across this new divide

And every loss and every lie
And every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Was a mistake too great to hide

And your voice was all I heard
But I get what I deserve

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide


Across this new divide
Across this new divide

i love 2 write...

well, in case you haven't already grasped that fact from my very long essay of ferraris and my babbling, here it is. i love 2 write.it's my passion too.i have many, believe me, and from time 2 time i'll tell u about it.
there's something fulfilling and releasing about writing, don't you think? i even believe i express myself better in writing than i ever do in a speech.
when i get angry i write poems of anger and that kinda cool me. when i get depressed i write dark, gothic poems and cry in the bathroom and that soothes me. when i get happy or inspired, i write poems of wisdoms or a whole novel or a draft for it and i smile like an idiot reading them back. when i get bored, i read back what i wrote and thought back on the reasons i wrote them in the first place and that brought along bittersweet memories.
so, what i'm saying is, writing is something precious. sacred, even.not many people are gifted to write with many adjectives and get bestsellers from it.not me. but at least, i get relieved from it. and i get happy.
anyway, that's the point of a blog, right? for us to write and write and write and write... the only way for us, losers at public speaking, to express ourselves in a different, but equally effective way.
that's the point of facebook, myspace, friendster... we write to keep in touch with friends. voicecalls seem like a million years away. but hey, i still call my friends when i miss listening to their voices and happy chatters. but most of the time, sms or instant messaging is my way of showing my friends that i miss them.
and that is another precious gift, we have, dear readers. our friends. that's my passion too, but that, is to be continued...

my ferraris...

okay, first, i don't have real ferraris...that would be an awfully wealthy of me if i even have one real ferrari, so no i don't have a ferrari. not the real-life size one, anyway.only miniatures.
and i arrange them nicely on the dashboard of my car. which is not a ferrari, mind you, but a mere myvi. a special edition myvi which i named baby white.and i still love that little tiny car of mine as if it's a ferrari. and sometimes (i lied, most of the times, actually)i push it to break the limit as if it's actually a ferrari.hahaha...
so, back 2 my ferraris.there are a few reasons why i put them in my car.
first, i want to make the impression that my car is not really a lady's car, which i am. (a lady, i mean, not a car).most ladies tend to put a whole lot of stuffed animals, flowers, cute throw pillows, remarks like 'this car belongs 2 a princess' or something like that in their car as decorations, but those are too girly and too risky, in my opinion. we ladies have 2 admit we don't know that much about cars and the opposite sex tend to bully (or pretend to help us knowing cars) us about it. and if people (with bad intention) suspect that a car belongs to a woman, they tend to go forward with their intention. if they doubt the owner, they'll have a second thought about harming it. so basically, my little ferraris are protecting and providing the security for my little real-life size myvi. that's the first.
second, they are more like of a symbolic figure. we know ferraris are fast cars and i have 2 admit, i drive fast. well, at least for a lady.my ferraris are my way of telling people that BEWARE, this girl knows how 2 speed. and having to travel 45 minutes back and forth to work everyday, i'm gaining a whole lotta of experience with it. and a whole lotta of curious glances from it. but, the hell with it, i enjoy driving and i enjoy speeding. as long as i'm still careful and as alert as a panther, i'll be fine, God willing.
and third, well, i just gave u my third reason.i love driving. ferraris are for people who enjoy driving so i'm one of them. they symbolize that for me. my passion.hah! that used to be myvi's motto. it's a passion. hehehe.it really is.
so, there u go. about my ferraris... ni agak2 boleh masuk tak dalam syllibus karangan SPM? panjang semacam je ek?kuikuikui...

dreaming out loud...

okay, why dreaming out loud? aside from the fact that i love most of onerepublic's songs under the album with that same name, i truly am dreaming out loud. in silence. hehehe... daydreaming and imagining things and telling stories in my head are what i do most of the time from the second i wake up from sleep to the second i go back to it. and when i sleep, here i go again, dreaming... so it's what i do, basically.as long as i am still breathing.
and what i do here, apparently. i'm trying to just dream out loud.full stop. not in silence. but it's not an easy task 2 do. because basically, people won't believe for a minute what i tell myself in my head.and i don't have the guts enough (yet, i presume) to just dream out loud.full stop. so, here i am babbling what is not in my head, because those, those, are still not believable enough to be out from the silence...
abisla sape2 yg bace ni... lagi kelabu mate dr bace journal... ntah ape2 kan...hehehe...

welcome to the world of blogging!!

Ececeh...nak try bloggingla plak... orang duk heboh sangat...

needs a boss!!

aiyo...haru birula kalo incharge the whole department camni...cam2 bende ngarut kena buat... reportla, maklumbalasla, researchla, tu belum masuk meeting buat muke toya lagi tu... ish, kalut2...cepat2la 1 jun...