keepsakes...

i miss my best friends. a lot.
and this is the only place i can say that.
i'm not good at saying my feelings out loud. i'm not good at showing how i really feel towards people. that is one of my many, many weaknesses, i'm afraid. i'm not the kind of friend who goes on hugging friends, not even those i haven't seen for ages. i'll feel awkward, to be honest. deep down i like and appreciate it, but still the awkwardness won't go away. i'm not the kind of friend who calls friends just to chat, not even once a month. i wouldn't know what to chat about. i wouldn't know what topic to go into when we got past the greetings. i hardly sms to ask how a friend is doing, i'll only be texting to wish them happy birthday. and that is when i ask them how they're doing. once a year. that is the only way i show them that i do remember them. by remembering their birthdays. but, i do remember them. a lot. i miss them.
there's a reason to it, though. my one, solid excuse. my best friends move on with their lives. and me with my naive and at times, stupid thought believe that i don't want to bother them.
tonight, i miss my three best friends from uitm more than ever. and this is why i'm writing this.
i miss our laughter together. i miss our tears together. those four years we shared cannot be replaced by anything, anything at all. i still keep the memories, even though they already go way far along the road, leaving me behind. i held on to the little things they ever gave me for as long as i could. my keepsakes.
Elya once gave me this keychain with four cartoon figurines on it for my birthday in 2006 (i think). each representing everyone of us, she said. me was the naughtiest and the skinniest one, heh. i lost it in the built-in-the-floor heater at my sister's rented house in melbourne in august 2010. i sat there crouching on the floor, groping for it for hours, but didn't find it. maybe i lost it somewhere else. but the fact remained that hurt me most is just that: i LOST it. it might be just a little, meaningless thing to some people, but not to me. it represented me and my three best friends. it represented the memories. it represented a friend who loves her friend. i've held on to it for years, dangling from my favorite backpack and it traveled with me. to bangkok, and melbourne twice. i'm so sorry i lost it.
Maria once gave me a set of pink brooches, because she knew i like pink, one smaller than the other, also for my birthday. i didn't wear it when i was still studying, because i was not much of a girl who swung her tudung this way and that way. i was pretty much a simple girl who worked just fine with one brooch. so, i kept it in the box she gave me. i started wearing them when i started working, at the end of 2007. and never stopped wearing them until i lost them too, somewhere i didn't even know, recently. i hate this. she didn't even know whether i ever wore them, because she never saw me do. but believe me, they were my favorite brooches for as long as i could hold on to them. still, some people might say, what the heck, it's just brooches, but it's a gift. from a best friend. who knew and noticed and understood what i like and dislike.
Fad once surprised me with a cute little dinosaur teddy, with pink polka dots all over its body for my birthday. i named it Baby Pinky. one friend saw it and thought it suited to be called Measles, for the dots on its body, heh! nice name. even funnier than that, when all of us went to my sister's house one day, we saw that my barely one year old niece had the same teddy in her arms. what a coincidence! mak sedara ngalahkan anak sedara main teddy bear! i still hold on to it. i still have it on my bed, one of my sleep companions every night. thank God, it's a bit bigger to be lost anywhere.
those are my keepsakes. my sentimentally valuable keepsakes given by my three cherished best friends. whom had moved on beautifully with their lives. Elya is married and expecting her first baby this march. Maria is married and blessed with a cute little boy named Adam whom i haven't yet met, except through pictures in facebook. Fad is also married and expecting her first baby somewhere close to elya's too, i think. see, how i don't know much actually, because catching-up with friends is a failed course in my book. however much i miss them. and i regret that. but still, i hold on to the excuse that i don't want to bother them. as long as i know they are happy, that is enough for me. and so i sit here, missing them, and keeping our memories together close in my heart, with and without the keepsakes, for the sake of a beautiful friendship i'll treasure forever.

romance, romantic, romanticism...

wookay...
i've been trying to write on this topic since the first time i watched the movie 'The Young Victoria' on star movies. and that was a while ago. i've watched reruns of it three time! heh. it was about the queen victoria of the eighteenth century, how she met her husband, the love of her life, the regent prince albert and how she reigned for 64 years, the longest period of reigning for an england sovereign, to date. it's only fair to say that the movie was romantic, and the fact that it chronicles the queen's early life almost to the letter (except for the fact that her husband in reality was not hurt in the attempt to shield her from that crazy man who tried to kill her) kinda made me fall back into my romantic mode and believed that fairy tale happy ending does happen in real life. heh!
which somehow made me want to write about this:
first: romance.
second: romantic.
third: romanticism
Romance
by definition from wikipedia, romance is a noun that describes the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. It is also used as a verb (meaning to court or pursue amorously). in my case, to be perfectly and completely honest, i was a fan of romance novels. i did feel that tug in my heart whenever i watch romance-genre movies or dramas. there you go. but heck no, i didn't go fooling about romancing anyone, Alhamdulillah for that.
Romantic
Answer.com reflects romantic as relating to characteristic of romance or as a noun, it is said to be a follower or adherent of romance. in my part, i wouldn't say i'm a romantic. my best friends would say quite the opposite. well, i did cry at some shah-rukh-khan starred hindustan movies, which to them automatically labeled me as a romantic. outwardly, i hardly show that i'm romantic. i try to be the complete opposite, when deep down, actually, I am. i shared the same opinion as the two leading characters of the 27 Dresses. for them, when attending a wedding, they don't pay attention to the brides. instead they watch the look on the grooms' faces. whether it was pure pleasure at the first sight of his bride in a wedding gown, a forced smile, a nervous shake of the head, or plain torture. i do the same. whenever i watch the movie with weddings in it, i look closely to the groom, and not the bride, how happy he looks. whenever i attend a wedding, i watch the groom, the way he sits in front of the wali and tok imam and tok kadi, the way he nods his head, the way he smiles nervously and says the solemnization vows, the way he looks up, searching for his newly-wed wife and smiles when he finds her with her head bowed low and a soft smile upon her lips, relieved. brides are supposed to look beautiful on the wedding day. so, what's the use of looking at them when you already know that fact? but, you never can predict how a groom would look on his wedding day. if he's happy, it would show on his face when he finally solemnizes the marriage. if he's not, it shows too. that is much more interesting to look upon, and if that makes me a romantic, so be it.
Romanticism
Wikipedia said that romaticism (or the Romantic Era) was a complex artistic, literary, and intellectual movement that originated in the second half of the 18th century in Europe, and gained strength in reaction to the Industrial Revolution. quite a mouthful, huh? so, it's a movement, in various aspect of living at that time. The movement validated strong emotion as an authentic source of aesthetic experience, placing new emphasis on such emotions as trepidation, horror and terror and awe. so, it's about emotion. emphasizing on emotion, and neglecting anything else. hm... not quite a good thing to do, when emotion can lead you astray to the wrong path, if you neglect to use your head with it. being a woman, especially, emotion plays a vital part in our lives. unlike men who are all about logic and rational thinking, we, women, tend to rely on emotion a tad too tightly. which brings me to another definition of romaticism, quoted from Harun Yahya's Romanticism; A Weapon of Satan.
hah! that was on the cover of the book. we don't even go in depth of the book yet, but still the title already tells us that romaticism is not a good thing. according to Harun Yahya, romanticism is one such falsehood that is erroneously thought to be "true." In a society where people do not live by the true religion, romanticism is portrayed as a favourable quality peculiar to
compassionate, good people. Essentially, one of the most harmful characteristics of romanticism, and from which we must be on our guard, is that it rejects "reason" as contrary to its philosophy.
another mouthful, yes, but the important part from this i can extract is that romanticism is dangerous. we Muslims are people living with the true religion, we don't need a deviation to classify ourselves as what kind of a person. being a Muslim, a true one will automatically make us compassionate and good people, following the guidance of our Quran and the sunnah of our prophet. because those two teach us to be good people in details, and still keep our head above us, to rationalize things, not relying solely on emotion. we believe that our hearts are the center of our emotion, while our heads are the center of our rational reasoning. the beauty of Allah's creation is that the head is placed above all parts of the body, and the heart is placed on the upper left corner of our torso. reflecting on that, He wants us to put our head above anything, that is, to put our reasonings above anything else. emotion only come second.
There is a subtle danger that leads people away from religion, prevents them from submitting to God as their Lord, and ultimately brings numerous other forms of trouble and distress upon them. This danger of which we are speaking is sentimentality that leads people to live, not according to their reason, but according to their emotions; that is, according to their desires, hatreds, their susceptibility to temptation, and their stubbornness ~ Harun Yahya.
Ya Rabb, please don't let me fall prey to this danger, ameen.
so, following that, i redefine myself.
Romance, Romantic, Romanticism.
i let go of the first, i only hold on to the second deep down and be cautious about it, and i identify the third as something i should be careful about and God willing, not to be a victim of... insya Allah.

of terror and changed perceptions...

so, i stumbled upon a curious series tonight, The Future Express on australian network (channel 521 on astro). astro info told me that the series followed people traveling by train through 26 countries in 6 continents. seeing the fact that i am in the missing-my-traveling-days mode (and missing australia t00), i gleefully switched channel from whatever the heck i was watching before that in the hope that i'll be greeted with the beautiful scenery of the koala-and-kangaroo-inhabitated continent.
and then i was practically gaping at the screen. ngee...
first of all, it was not english. not even australian english. curious, curious, seeing that it was aired on australian network. how did i know it was not english? they provided english subtitles, you dope! heh, sorry!
second, it showed the cameraman going around in a moving train, interviewing people, mostly muslims. and after a while, i came to understand that they were algerian muslims. and the topic of discussions between the cameraman and whoever was with him with the passengers was about terrorism.
curious, curious...
and yes, curiosity got the better of me so i stuck with the series till its end.
numerous people were interviewed as the train kept going. some with the right definition of islam, some not so much.
one particular girl and what she said caught my attention. i couldn't remember her exact words now, but what she said was pretty much this: she scolded the wearing of veil for muslimah, saying it limits a woman's freedom (yes, she didn't wear any). i don't know now whether she's actually a muslim or not since she laughed and blushed when telling a story of a few men clapping their hands at her when she walked around in miniskirt. curious...
she also kinda scolded the terrorists which she said ruined the image of islam, and wondered out loud how muslims can say islam is so holy when those people (the terrorists, she meant) killed people in the name of jihad and raped women.
my level of curiosity increased at that so i yahooed (you have googled if you searched for info in google, so when i searched for info in yahoo, it's yahooed, yeah? heh!)
i didn't find so much on algeria and its relation with terrorists, and i am not a fan of newspaper, so i really have no idea what that was all about, until i read this short q&a session :http://infad.usim.edu.my/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=10781
so, there was a twin bombing happened in algeria sometime ago, (i think in 2007) involving the al-qaeda group claiming it to be a 'badr battle', which is an insult to islam, seriously.
so, the girl's perception on islam changed because of some stupid terrorist's act. can we truly blame her?
so, yeah, maybe it's because her understanding of islam is not as deep as it should be. because there were people on the train who understood and discussed that terrorism is not jihad. one man said that islam is a religion of peace, a religion of tolerance, which is absolutely true. islam is about cherishing our neighbours and uniting brothers and sisters with peace, not war. some understood that. some, with a bitter experience, i suspect, might find that concept a bit difficult to grasp.
see how terrorism is a danger to us? orang islam sendiri yang bawak bahaya pada orang islam lain. yang terlalu fanatik dan dah terpesong. that is sad.
it's sad knowing that wearing veil, or hijab, or tudung for muslimah is considered limiting their freedom, and it's sad knowing that a woman (and many more out there, i'm sure) think like that. because it is clearly stated in the qur'an (surah an-nisa and an-nur, specifically) that for muslimah to wear hijab is for the sole purpose of protecting them from harm, guarding their honor. that's the beauty of it. it is so sad knowing that a woman can misunderstand that. or not realising that.
it's sad knowing that one man or a group of men's wrongdoings tarnish the whole population of islam and the fact that muslims all around the world are being watched like a hawk. its sad knowing that in some countries, they bane the wearing of hijab for fear of them carrying weapons inside. it's sad knowing that muslims can't travel much around the world, especially muslimah, since they with their tudung create a wave of paranoia so great, that people stare at them with fear and hold their children tighter around them.
it's sad knowing that when that is clearly not islam is about. islam does not promote fear among people. because it is about peace, and not war. even there is no force in converting into it. we've learned that 'tiada paksaan untuk memeluk islam' since our form four pendidikan islam.
it's so sad knowing that people can misjudge this beautiful religion so greatly.
islam guides women closely to protect them. please, do understand that. i read in the iluvislam's paper today, an article saying that women are created with 9/10 shyness, and 1/10 wisdom, while men are created with 9/10 wisdom and 1/10 shyness. when women lose their shame, she's done, so do men when they lose their wit and mind. and it is so easy to lose that these days. so many distractions and bad influences, secular thoughts and perceptions. nauzubillah...
i'd like to share something else. supplications from ustaz zaharudin website. he encouraged people to share, so here it is, for muslimah out there: http://zaharuddin.blogspot.com/2010/11/doa-elak-cabul-dan-rogol.html
in case the link is broken: here's the copy-and-paste's version of it:
'DALAM sebutan rumi : BISMILLAH ALLAZI LA YADURRU MA’ASMIHI SYAIUN FIL ARDI WA LA FIS SAMAIE , WAHUWAS SAMI’UL ‘ALIM
Ertinya : Rasulullah s.a.w didengari berkata sesiapa yang berdoa : “Dengan nama Allah yang tiada dimudaratkan sesuatu apapun dengan namaNya samada di bumi dan di langit, dan Dialah maha mendengar dan maha mengetahui” sebanyak 3 kali, maka ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehinggalah subuh esoknya, dan barangsiapa membacanya ketika subuh 3 kali, ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehingga petangnya” ( Riwayat Abu Daud, 4/323 ; At-Tirmidizi, 5/465 dan Ahmad ; Tirmizi : Hasan – Teks doa berwarna Merah Syeikh Syuaib ; Hasan)
Ingin saya utarakan satu lagi doa sohih yang dibaca oleh isteri Nabi Ibrahim a.s (iaitu Siti Sarah) yang menyebabkan para lelaki zalim termasuk rajanya melarikan diri, saya sertakan sekali sumber rujukannya dari hadis Nabi s.a.w:
DALAM SEBUTAN RUMI : ALLAHUMMA IN KUNTA TA’LAMU INNI AAMANTU BIKA, WA BIRASULIKA WA AHSONTU FARJI ILLA ‘ALA ZAWJI FALA TUSALLIT ‘ALAYYA AL-KAFIR WA AZ-ZALIM
Ertinya : Ya Allah, jika engkau mengetahui bahawa aku beriman kepada Mu dan Rasul Mu, dan aku menjaga kehormatanku hanya untuk suamiku, maka lindungilah aku daripada dikuasai oleh orang-orang kafir dan zalim” ( Riwayat Al-Bukhari, no 2104, 2/722 ; Sunan Al-Baihaqi, 5/97; Musnad ahmad, 2/403 ; Fath Al-Bari, 6/393; Umdat Al-Qari, 12/30 ; Sohih )
Semoga ia dapat dihafaz dan di amalkan oleh semua wanita Muslimah, Cuma jangan lupa bahawa doa ini bersoifat tawassul dengan amal soleh anda, iaitu apabila diikat dengan imannya dengan Allah s.w.t dan RasulNya dan telah dijaga kehormatannya dan sudah tentu auratnya.
Justeru, seolah-olah kemaqbulan doa ini juga diikat tentang kewajiban untuk beriman dengan Allah dan rasulNya dan menutup aurat anda. Tanpanya, doa ini masih amat digalakkan untuk dilakukan, cuma jaminan seolah-olah lebih pasti bagi yang apa yang dikatanya (dalam doa ini) menepati apa yang sebenarnya penampilan fizikal anda.
Justeru, jika berbaju kebaya terbelah, baju sendat menampakkan susuk tubuh, berpakaian nipis seolah telanjang, bersolek canggih seperti artis bukan Islam..sudah tentu doa ini sahaja belum cukup mampu menjaga anda. Bukan kerana Allah s.w.t tidak mampu, tetapi Allah s.w.t tidak anggap wanita itu layak dek kerana kedegilannya sendiri.'
~i quoted a few ending words from ustaz too. just as a reminder. fikir-fikirkanlah. saya ni pun bukanlah baik sangat nak menasihati orang, still dalam usaha nak memperbaiki diri jugak lagi. sama-sama la kita saling ingat-mengingati, kay... wallahualam.

not my style. full stop.

not that i'm a stylish person.
okay, to elaborate on the topic, i posted this on my facebook status a few days ago: 'i'm sorry, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that's just not my style'.
sounds like i was lashing out at somebody, isn't it? the answer is yes.
at the risk of having that certain someone reading this (which i highly doubt), that was me trying to answer her (yes, it's a she!) when i couldn't do that verbally right to her face. so, i did that on fb shoutout, instead. you know me, i told you previously, i'm not good at responding verbally to people. i'm more the kind of a person who swallows it at the time and argues it over in my head (or in facebook) later.
so, okay, the origin of that statement. the cause of it is because i grew tired of that certain someone bragging me about getting married. haha.. what a topic. you'd thought i've grown over that, didn't you? as a matter of fact, i have. apparently, however, people around me haven't.
she kept on provoking me to look more, shall i say, presentable to guys, wear some make-up, dress in a more flashing, atttraction-seeking clothes, talk softer (to men, of course!), walk slower, behave more like a dara pingitan than the selamba, suka-hati-aku-la-nak-buat-apa-nak-cakap-macam-mana-apa-kau-kisah kind of girl that i am. and the list goes on..
i take it her intention is good. she's worried about me being single when the rest of my friends there are all married and happily snuggling their babies (ignore the sarcastic note there, sorry) and snuggling their husbands (not necessarily in that order, ignore the sarcasm again, please). there. i sounded angry. finally. i mean, come on. is that all that a woman's duty in this world got to do? find a man?
yeah, i know it's nature. dah Tuhan jadikan benda tu fitrah, who am i to go against it? and no, i'm not going to go against it, at all. i do want to get married someday, have children. make my family happy. be the best, loving, muslimah wife and mother that i can be. i love babies. and toddlers. and even my overly-talkative, too-fast-growing-up nieces and overly-brilliant, also-too-fast-growing-up nephews. heh. which could be prove enough that i love children. i do want that. most heartedly (is that even an existing word? never mind). i mean, wholeheartedly, yeah.
but, it takes time. and how long it's gonna be is not for me to decide. tu ketentuan Dia. why is it so hard for people to understand?
yeah, you can say that i can hasten the process by being more presentable to guys, wear make-up, dress flashier, talk softer and mushier, behave and walk slower, but heck, i'm sorry, that is totally not me.
and seriously, is that even the right thing to do? is that what our religion urges us, muslim women to do? parade ourselves for men to choose? certainly not and i know you agree with me.
for the time being, i'm happy being the way i am. i found love that matters and that's the only thing i'm working out for now. the love that matters here and in the hereafter. Alhamdulillah, Allah guides me through. Alhamdulillah, He protected me from being trapped in empty love during these 26 years of me breathing in this world. and i pray He'll continue to protect me in the future, insya Allah.
i found a purpose in my life now, and i'm working towards it. there is something better for a woman to do than trying to bat her eyelashes to make a man fall flat on his face, drooling over her. yes, quite a yucky description, but hey, i am an overly-imaginative person. heh. so yeah, i have better thing to do with my life.
so there, i'm sorry again, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that is not a muslimah's style and despite what you might see, i'm really trying to be one. a true muslimah. end of discussion.
verses that made me smile today, despite the bragging:
'Dan lagi wahai kaumku! Siapakah yang akan menolongku dari azab Allah jika aku menghalau mereka? Maka mengapa kamu tidak mahu ingatkan kekuasaan Allah? (30) Dan aku tidak pernah berkata kepada kamu: Di sisiku ada perbendaharaan Allah, dan tidaklah aku mendakwa mengetahui perkara-perkara yang ghaib dan aku tidak mengatakan bahawa aku ini malaikat dan aku juga tidak berkata terhadap orang-orang yang beriman yang kamu pandang hina itu, bahawa Allah tidak akan memberi kebaikan kepada mereka. Allah lebih mengetahui akan apa yang ada di dalam hati mereka. Sesungguhnya aku jika bertindak demikian, nescaya menjadilah aku dari orang-orang yang zalim. (31)'
~ ayat 30 dan 31, surah Hud.

I aim to be a traveler, not a mere tourist

One chapter in Anas Zubedy's The Quran and I caught my attention. Chapter 9: The Traveler. How he differentiated travelers into 3 categories. empty traveler, physical traveler and The Traveler. Empty one is described as the one going on trips with no preparation whatsoever. Physical traveler is the one traveling with all the equipments necessary to last a month, but with no heart or brain in it, just merely following the trail of the journey, taking a lot of his/her photos obscuring the views. and The Traveler, is the one who brings all that necessary without overdoing him/herself, and also participate and contribute something into that journey. or better yet, learn something from it. to quote the writer; 'a real traveler is a person who is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared. they went with a full tank, and came back with a bigger tank that cries for more. their tanks are forever enlarging. theirs are not just attending but also learning. theirs are not just attendance but also participation and contribution.'

I aim to be that kind of a traveler. not a mere tourist with albums or memory cards full of photographs, but brain and heart withhold nothing of value.

i do not travel a lot. i don't have that much time, nor resources. but when i do, i learn a great deal. might seem trivial to some people, but not to me.

a recent Cambodian trip taught me a lot. it taught me that there are always two sides of a story. i've been to a developed country. i've seen their technologies and quite caught with awe by it. but, the other side of the story is, there are underdeveloped countries in this world as well. and i can say i've been to one too.

the trip's original purpose was to help the people of a couple of Muslim villages. we were divided into two groups and i was in the group going to the village with its habitants already gathered in a small school. i regretted that we did not get to see how they live, but they still needed our help, whatever we could offer.


Whatever. We. Could. Offer.

these children went after the little snacks and trinkets we passed around like they had never seen them before. and maybe they hadn't. how many Malaysian kids you can say haven't eaten a packet of junk food his/her entire life before? be grateful. please.

One particular girl caught my attention more than the rest.

the girl holding on to her red bag tight with both her hands, securing everything that was given to her. she had the saddest expression on her face all the time, but she hardly begged. she just sat there when the rest of the kids swarmed around us with hands outstretched, waiting, hoping. being like that, however, she hardly got anything at all.

i tried to give her a packet of mamee once, but another girl tried to grab it right from her hand. i held on to the packet in her hand, until the other girl gave up and let go. she looked up at me and i tried to smile at her, although something changed in me. she quickly put the Mamee in her bag. i turned around and bit my lips, trying hard not to tear up. I can never look at a packet of mamee the same, ever again.
I remember at that time, images of my nieces and nephews came across my mind. how lucky they are, how they would never imagine to beg and push people around for a packet of junk food or a jelly. how lucky...

After we finished at the village, we went to the Killing Field or Choeung Ek Genocidal Centre, one of the places that proved the cruelty of the Khmer Rouge. to quote Wikipedia (oh, yeah, I googled), the Khmer Rouge was the name given to the followers of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, who were the ruling party in Cambodia from 1975 to 1979, led by Pol Pot, Nuon Chea, Ieng Sary, Son Sen and Khieu Samphan. The regime led by the Khmer Rouge from 1975 to 1979 was known as the Democratic Kampuchea.
This organization is remembered primarily for its policy of social engineering, which resulted in Genocide, which is (quoting wikipedia, again) "any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such: killing members of the group; causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group; deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life, calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part; imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group; [and] forcibly transferring children of the group to another group."

I never heard of that word, and never could imagine the cruelty it inflicted until i was there, standing at Killing Field which held 86 huge holes where this regime dumped almost 20,000 bodies of the Cambodian people they killed, mostly without any reason, at all. and these victims included women and children. there was a tree they claimed to be the one where babies were thrown at to die (1). there was a huge tree this cruel regime put speakers on, and played sound over and over again so people outside the camp wouldn't hear the agonizing screams of the victims inside (2).

A seventeen-storeyed memorial (3) was erected to house the skulls (4), bones and clothings of the victims they collected after a massive excavation from the holes. some holes held specific type of victims: without heads, naked bodies of children and women. one hole even held up to 450 bodies... and this is just from one killing field. history stated that during this regime, almost 1.7 million people were sacrificed to this cruel genocide.

seeing this tragic history, not so long ago, only a little more than 30 years ago, its no wonder that Cambodia is as it is today. the people are still trying to recover, are still staggering and trying to regain their footing, economically and socially. and they make do with whatever they have.

the pic on the right is one type of the mode of transportation they have besides the famous tut-tut. people sit on the planks like they sit in a bus. i couldn't take a clear pic of the vehicle (i don't even know what it's called) with people on it, so i took the one without.

Adults trying to make do with their lives and children with nothing better to do, running around, some shirtless, some dirtier than the other, with no clear understanding of what their lives are missing.
And this was the scenery that greeted us almost all along our journey. houses which we could barely call home, seeing the poor condition they are in. due to floods that come every end of the year (according to our fluently malay-spoken, Cambodian tour guide, Encik Ansari), most of the houses are built high above the ground.

it was a difficult sight to behold, a hard experience to swallow.

but, yeah, we had fun. we rode in tut-tut, went to Siem Reap to see the famous Angkor Watt and we shopped too. Cambodia is famous for its original precious stones (which i had no freaking idea how to buy) that come with much cheaper price (i was told) than what you get in Malaysia. and since we traveled a 6-hours journey by bus to Ho Chi Minh on our way back to Malaysia through Vietnam (by plane, of course) i took the opportunity to buy some cotton fabrics and telekung there for my sisters too. and some shirts for my parents, brothers and nieces and nephews.

but, the cheerful physical things i brought back couldn't really mirror the not-so-cheerful mental memories i keep with me. i might be in a shock. i did not expect it to be the way it was. but heck, i learned. a lot. it was, in a cruel way i might say, a wonderful experience. one, i am impatient to experience again. and again. and again. honest.

so, yeah, i aim to be that kind of a traveler. the real traveler who is "physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared. the one that goes with a full tank and comes back with a bigger tank that cries for more. the one who is not just attendance, but also participation and contribution. the one who is not just attending, but also learning".

and yeah, there's more yet to see, more yet to learn.

'Maka bukan sedikit negeri-negeri yang Kami binasakan dengan sebab kezaliman penduduknya, lalu runtuh ranaplah bangunan-bangunannya dan bukan sedikit pula telaga yang telah terbiar dan istana yang tersergam (telah kosong, ditinggalkan). Oleh itu, bukankah ada baiknya mereka mengembara di muka bumi supaya dengan melihat kesan-kesan yang tersebut mereka menjadi orang-orang yang ada hati yang dengannya mereka dapat memahami atau ada telinga yang dengannya mereka dapat mendengar? (Tetapi kalaulah mereka mengembara pun tidak juga berguna) kerana keadaan yang sebenarnya bukanlah mata kepala yang buta, tetapi yang buta itu ialah mata hati yang ada di dalam dada.' (Surah Al-Hajj, ayat 45-46).

Moga kita menjadi orang yang belajar dan menghayati dengan hati, bukan sekadar melihat dengan mata, kemudian lupa, mendengar dengan telinga kemudian alpa.

Open our eyes, open our minds, but most important of all, open our hearts.

Wallahualam.

My thoughts on flying

random entry, yeah, i know. my babble, whatever.
flying... seeing that word i always picture freedom. i guess the word fly, the image of a bird soaring happily in the sky defines freedom, eh? no one can catch it when it's on air, no one can grasp it, unless someone is cruel enough to shoot it down.
okay, moving on. why this sudden topic?
i've been trying to write about this particular passion of mine for so long, only now that the right time came up.
i love to fly.
no, i don't have wings (rolling eyes), i'm still human, and thus human needs help to fly. hence, the airplanes.
i bet whoever invented airplanes (was it the Wrights' Brothers? i forgot), did a lot of study on birds. their aerodynamic shapes, their physical abilities, their intuitions. and who invents these creations which don't need help whatsoever to fly? yup, Subhanallah... everything comes from Him and always goes back to Him.
so, airplanes. I like airplanes. i like flying. some people admit of having the fear of flying (i seriously don't know the scientific name of that phobia), but i love it.
my first time of boarding an airplane and flying was when i was in standard two, eight years old. it was my first trip much further than the one i usually took. me and my parents went to Langkawi and came back to KL by airplane! i still remember the excited look my father had when he first told me we're going to fly! and seeing that was my first trip on the plane, it was only natural that i wanted to know everything about it. i was even curious on what was going on in the pilot's cabin. and seeing the excitement on my face one particular steward was quite smitten by me (hahaha... perasan mode!), he gave me a huge MAS paperbag containing everything, from pens, notepads, playing cards, and a huge box of orange juice they used to serve to the passengers! and yes, from that moment on, i fell in love -sadly not with the steward, gila hapa, i was eight years old!!- but with flying in an airplane.
yeah.. i guess first impression does count, uh?
during those childhood times, i used to hate having to sit at the wings. because i was such a spoiled daughter, i usually got the window seat and not much can be seen when you're sitting at the window looking out at the wings. worse if you got the emergency seats, you got to look out at nothing since the seats are set further than the windows to allow for opening the emergency doors if the need arises.
but, as i grow older, i find myself looking forward to sitting at the window seat besides the wings, but still very much prefer not to be the emergency seat.
why?
because, believe it or not, i love watching the wings, now. yeah, weird. peculiar. a bit mentally off. whatever you say. not budging me one bit.
i love the wings. i especially love watching them during take-offs and landings. Landings, mostly. you probably do not notice this, but right before landing, two noisy sounds can be heard from the airplane. one is the time when the tires start to come out from under the belly of the plane and the other is the one when the wings widened. i seriously don't know the technical significant of this mechanism, i sure as heck don't know the technical term of it, but i love watching the flaps (let's call them the flaps, shall we?) of the wings as they go up when the plane lands because the air rushes at them from down under. i know people who fear landings and take-offs, but i love them. because of this. and the feeling you get when the plane lands smoothly on the airway. the relief and happiness that you made it safe back on the ground. i find myself always smiling when landing.
and in a more poetic note, flying symbolizes something else to me too. in a way it defines life. and the journey you took in your life. the part when you 'take -off' in life, going somewhere, sometimes not even knowing what you're going to face. and yeah, when you're on air, do you know what else you're going to face besides clouds? nope. there might be a sight of the most beautiful rainbow you've ever seen, there might be peculiar shapes of the clouds that remind you of something, there might be a spectrum of color you've never seen before shining through to you. but, there might also be turbulences, there might also be sudden storm or thunder or peltering rains, there might also be a strong shake that makes you grasp the side of your seat tighter. there might be a lot of things. in life, also, there might be a lot of things you're gonna face. unexpected things, most of the time. there might be good, there might be bad. and you go on flying through it all. because you have to. there's no other way. that is the only way you'll learn. the only way to reach your destination. your goal. your landing spot. and when you do land, when those flaps go up and those tires touch the road, you smile. because even in life, when you succeed in all those things you face (happily dubbed with flying colours), either it be turbulences or rainbow, you feel relieved, happy, stress-free. and you'll smile. you will smile like i do everytime i land and watch those flaps go up. the feeling is mutual, i tell you.
that, my friend, is my thoughts on flying. :)