people always leave...

That’s a saying by peyton sawyer from one tree hill and like peyton sawyer, i’m scared of that too. Of the fact that people have the ability to leave u and don’t come back. And the fact that it’s gonna hurt u more than u can think possible when that person leaving u is someone u love. I used to pray when i was little (okay, maybe not very little, when i was in primary school or something like that) for God to take my life before my mom’s. Because i love her so much, i can’t bear the thought of her leaving me. It’s okay for me to leave her, go to school, go to college, go to work every day, get married, die. Die before she does, because i know, deep down, i don’t think i can handle the pain if she’s not around anymore. Hah, yeah, selfish, right? But, hey, it’s not in my hand to decide that, ey? It’s all His doing. All i can do is pray...
And tonite, or maybe a-couple-of-weeks ago nights, i began to realize that this fact, this fear of mine is the sole reason why it’s so hard for me to give my heart to someone. Because then my heart won’t be mine anymore, and if he goes away and never comes back, he’ll take my heart with him and i don’t have anything worth living for anymore. Hah, yeah, pathetic ey? A bit sickeningly helplessly romantic, you say? Welcome to my world.
It’s true that everything is decided. God has his way for every human being He created, each and everyone of us has our own story, our own destination. Our own destiny. And i believe with all my heart what He said in surah al-Baqarah, ayat 286: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. Allah takkan menguji hamba-Nya dengan apa yang dia tak mampu. I believe that. But then, to be that strong, to be able to bear this type of test, this type of pain, the pain of feeling dejected, abandoned, feeling alone for the rest of my life... to bear all this is not an easy task to do.
Again, all i can do is pray...