Hollow. Vacant. Empty.

Hollow tu maknanya ruang yang kosong. Vacant tu selalu diertikan dengan pandangan yang kosong. Empty tu memang dah maklum la maksudnya kosong. so, those three words basically describe the same thing. hollowness. vacancy. emptiness. which is bila diterjemahkan kepada lingua franca tanah melayu jadinya satu perkataan je: KOSONG.
i'm sorry for the fact that this blog has been 'kosong' for such a long time. it's just the way it is. it's just the way to tell that the writer here is having one of those meltdowns when her mind is hollow, her stare is vacant and her heart is empty.
when my mind is working overtime without actually thinking, it's hollow. when my eyes are looking without actually seeing, my gaze is vacant. when my heart is aching without actually feeling anything, it is empty. void.
dan apakah sebab musababnya kekosongan ini datang menyerang, saya sendiri tak tau. but, like a human body which God creates to respond automatically to any changes on it, i react too, to this emptiness. to try desperately to fill up this hollowness. though the only thing that could actually fill up this vacancy is tears. lots and lots and lots of tears.
and still, kekosongan itu masih tetap dirasa. God help me...

I don't wanna be...

Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately.... ooops, that sounds awfully familiar. Yup, lyrics from gavin degraw’s i don’t want to be, 1 tree hill theme song, eheh! Well, i don’t want to talk about the song, i want to talk about what i don’t want to be:

1. A hypocrite. One heck of a job to do that. We are all a bit of hypocrites here and there with our own twisted reasons and excuses.

2. A brag. I hate bragging. If u’re good at something, prove it, don’t talk about it yet until it’s there, plain for everyone to see.

3. A goody-goody two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on- shoes.

4. A snob

5. A lazy ass. One heck of a job too. I am lazy.

6. A back-stabbing friend

7. An ungrateful person

8. An unforgiving individual

9. A forgetful person.

10. A kissing-ass b%!@#

11. A psycho

12. Alone

13. A grunge holder (?)

14. Jealous

15. Bad

16. Awful

17. Bad-mouthing anyone to anyone

18. Scared anymore

19. Loveless

20. Lifeless

21. Boring

22. Dull

23. Losing my sense of humour, which i sense is close, and that is bad. Bad. Bad.

24. Helpless

25. Hopeless

26. Clueless

27. Without aim

28. Aimless. Damn, that’s the same thing.

29. In a writer’s-block mode, but apparently, here i am.

30. Misguided into doing what i don’t want to do and pretending i like doing it.

31. Losing interest in my work, but sadly, that is what’s happening now.

32. Chained, figuratively. I’m a free-soul, held down too tightly now, though.

33. Restless, but i am, all the time

34. Stressed. Huh! Who wants that?!

35. A blur of existence. I want to exist and mean something to someone, clearly

36. Lost

37. A coward. But, uh, i am.

38. Losing my feeling

39. Reading without understanding

40. Watching without seeing

41. Losing interest in helping people.

42. Stuck in the past, but ops, i am.

43. Unforgiven

44. Hated, though i’m good at provoking someone to hate me, really.

45. Here and not there...

46. Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately, all i have to do is sing to me and i have a peace of mind, i’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what i got to do, or who i’m supposed to be, i don’t want to be anything other than... me. Yeah, gavin degraw’s again. His is the best definition and explanation.

There. In conclusion, i don’t want to be a lot of things. But most of the time that ‘a lot of things’ is just me. I’m not perfect. I have my vulnerabilities. I have insecurities. I have doubts. I have fear. Those make up who I am. I’m not saying I am all those things. Some i really hate to be and really try not to be. But there are some that i can’t help not to be. It’s just me.

I don’t want to be a lot of things. But, to put it simply, i sure as heck don’t want to be other than me.

Scared...

Time passes like it has no meaning,
I wait and watch it ticking,
Contemplating a reason, an excuse,
for feeling scared and misused

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard

I have it all, loving parents, siblings and friends,
But I cry for them, trying to make amend,
The injustice, I want it to end,
Feeling scared of not being able to mend

Longing for someone who doesn't exist,
Instead of love, I found hatred in the mist,
I cried the dreams away and harden,
Now feeling scared and heartbroken

Past scars chase me,
Present wounds break me,
I don't know what the future holds for me,
And so I go on feeling scared for me

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard...

Penned by Rodhiah Rahman, 131106
I wrote this poem back then, a long time ago in 2006, when everything seemed cloudy and confusing. I can't believe I'm actually living the fear again, right now.

stress....

i woke up this morning and thought that i should write about this. i've been holding it up inside for so long, it felt like i was bursting. this morning i thought that was the last straw. i do have something to say about this. i do. when i opened the blogger just now, (which i haven't done for quite some time, so sorry for that), that burst abruptly died down. i felt nothing. staring at the page and feeling nothing. i felt like it was just a small matter, what's the use of saying it out loud here? i've been saying it over and over, still people won't take heed. what's the use of wasting an entry here? still, this is my blog, this is where i share my thoughts when i can't say them out loud verbally. so here it goes, again. damn.
stress. what is stress? some people say stress is good. but too much of it is bad. can make you sick and tired and eventually go crazy. many people, me included, have more stress at work than at home. home is where you rest, you relax, you expect it to be stress-free, and for me, Thank God, it still is. work? not so much.
seriously, i don't mind the work so much. i don't mind the fact that the level of work increases from day to day, everyday. i don't mind having to do new thing everyday. for me, more work, more things to learn. i truly believe that. i don't mind the lady boss exhausts me with more things to do, because i truly appreciate the knowledge that comes with it. what makes me sick and tired is the daily conversations we go through.
suddenly it's back to me being single when others around me are coupling around and procreating. suddenly it's the desperate issue on why i'm still single. suddenly i'm the stupidly-grinning sidekick whose master is desperate to find a partner for. suddenly i'm paraded around with a desperate question can-somebody-please-find-someone-for-her-and-quick-because-she's-not-that-young-anymore. suddenly i'm back as the unwanted listener to talks of marriages and babies and bedroom jumbo-mumbos. i seriously, seriously thought i got over that.
before this, i've come to learn to calm myself, to let go of all the jealousy and accept circumstances. before this, i've stopped being jealous because talks like those have ceased and slowed down. now, it's back in full swing, and i really feel like slamming door onto someone's face. anyone.
well, of course i don't do that. of course i just continue being my cheerful-self, stupidly making funny faces when talks of bedroom scenario falls into my ears, making outrageously dumb jokes when talks of married life comes to my hearing. of course i swallow it all, though it tastes very bitter to my throat, and keep on grinning like an idiot, which of course, i am. the idiot who can't seem to find someone for herself.
you have no idea how hard it was for me to overcome all this before. you have no idea how it feels like knowing everyone around me moves on beautifully with their lives while i'm still here, the idiot who got stuck. you. have. no. idea...
so now, i'm back at ground zero. and the twin tower of desperate questions are crashing straight down towards me with full speed.
one, i can say proudly, i evaded. only one. happened a few days ago, when the lady boss and a colleague of mine who just recently broken-up with her boyfriend and is 2 years younger than me were out having lunch. the lady boss asked The question: bila la korang ni nak dapat pakwe? i smilingly answered her: saya tak nak pakwe, lady boss, saya nak suami. kalau saya nak pakwe, dah lama kut dah ade. that got a smile on her face and she said: kenapa? tak layak? i just smiled and shook my head. bukan tak layak. it was never a matter of tak layak. it's not me who decide layak tak layak. who am i to decide that? i have my flaws too. everyone does. i'm not perfect and thus i can't decide layak ke tak layak.
it's more a matter of me being ready or not. it's a matter of the guy being the one i'm looking for or not. but of course i can't answer that to her. it won't be an easy task trying to explain to her all that. it won't be easy explaining to you what i'm looking for in a man. at times, i can't even explain it to myself. lack of experience might be one of the causes for that complication in deciding what i look for, but heck, what i lack in experience, i make up in observation. i observe people around me, something the lady boss scorn at, saying observing is not the same as experiencing. whatever. do i sound like i care?
so yeah, i never had a boyfriend, like i said, i never want to have a boyfriend. i never believe in couple, dating, whatever. i don't believe in love before marriage. i believe in love after marriage, something the lady boss scorn at too. i mean, what the heck is she having now, if not love after marriage? duh! anyway, you're free to think me old-fashioned, but that's what i hold on to, that's what i look for.
that's that. and then comes the talk about babies. so, yeah, i know about babies. i have 6 nieces and 3 nephews and 2 more on the way with gender still yet unknown. i doted on every single one of them when they were babies and still do when they are now grown-up. so, i know a bit here and there about kids. does that make me want to have children of my own? heck yeah! will that make me snatch any man around just to have those little ones to hold? heck no! so, please, don't act all weird when i say things about babies, or seem to be all-knowing about them. it's just that i truly know and i got that from experience, mind you. it's not easy being knowing and not sharing, so that's what i do. i share.
i'm happy when my friends have kids of their own, jealous even, but that does not make me desperate for a man. for me, having a baby is not just having something to cuddle and play with, i can do that with my teddies, really. having a baby is so much more. it's your responsibility to teach him/her to live. and the lives ahead as i see it, is not so easy anymore. you can't be satisfied by teaching them how and what to eat, what to read, how to behave. you have to teach them how to be the future leader in this world, which is so close to its end and huddled with so many distractions, so many damages and social corruptions. and since i don't think i'm strong or wise enough to teach little ones how to go through all that, i need a man who can. and not just any man can do that, right?
yes, i want a husband, not just a husband here, but hopefully, God willing, he will also be the husband in the hereafter. who can guide me and future generation if any, towards the life that lasts forever, in the hereafter. that is this humble person's ambition all along. is it so wrong to have that kind of ambition? is it wrong to aim far down the road, towards the end and beyond it? is it wrong for a girl like me to have more purposes in life than just trying to settle down with a family? is it wrong for a girl like me to be cautious? my purpose is the future. i don't settle. i have ambition to help the future, as long as God gives me ability to breathe. and if i'm destined to do it alone, so be it. if there is someone to help me along the way, God willing, i'll be grateful.
do i sound like an idiot to you now? for wanting all that and having to wait a wee bit longer since it's a lil' bit difficult to find such a someone who can help me get through these days of distractions, damages and social corruptions? for wanting the future of the garden in the hereafter, not the fire?
just please, idiot or no idiot, i've had enough. please, please, pretty please (i'm asking nicely now), please STOP asking, STOP talking, STOP promoting about things beyond your control. please. before i go crazy. before i ask you twice. because then, it won't be nice anymore.

not in a good mood...

when i was not in a good mood, i used to:
1. listen to songs BLASTING in both my ears with the highest volume my walkman could provide, shutting up the outer world completely. choices of songs varied, mostly the most depressing, dark and gothic types i could get my hands on, ranging from linkin park, nirvana to evanescence.
2. slam the door, HARD. and i didn't give a damn whose face was disfigured in the process.
3. slam things. anything. be it books, handphone, cds, cd player, whatever. anything i could get my hands on. and i didn't give a damn if it broke, either.
4. curse. BADLY. shit was the constant profanity, hell was the second mostly said. sometimes it went bad enough to f%^k. and my trademark curse to a person (my best friends knew this) was 'tengkorak hidup kau berjambul!' hah!
5. speed. be it power-jogging or speed-driving. i guess the adrenaline rush kept my head straight and my mood thus improved.
6. look at people blankly. be it a person closest to me. i could make the coldest expression on my face and tuned out whatever the person was saying completely.
7. sleep. with the said depressing, dark and gothic songs blasting in my ears. and sometimes with angry tears on my cheeks.
8. talk to my teddy. poured my heart out to it. because for the sole reason that it could not exactly respond. because i was afraid if i unleashed it all out on people, they wouldn't give me the feedback i wanted. and i would be dissappointed. and thus my mood would not improve.
9. cry in the bathroom or toilet. i would feel very much better afterwards.
10. sing out loud to whatever chester was screaming about. and laugh at myself for being THAT silly.
11. daydream. went into my fantasy world, my sole escape once upon a time. but, when i woke up from it, i did not feel any better. because i knew right then and there that it was just a dream, and thus wouldn't happen and i only ended up getting angrier with myself.
12. write in my private journals. or write a few depressing poems or lyrics. felt a bit better reading it all back there soon after that. relieved, maybe. but, after a while, when i read it all back later, it only made me feel sorry for myself. and that didn't improve anything.

now, when i'm not in a good mood, i:
1. fall silent. keep quiet. so quiet that people around me will worry.
2. recite the tafsir. definitely the best balm for the sore heart, i would say. surah like al-Insyirah (Alam Nasyrah), ad-Dhuha, ar-Rahman, al-Mulk, al-Waaqiah really can make you feel grateful and small. small in this world that He created. and cry a good tear or two or more. but, when i'm feeling bad and i can not do this (because of my monthly cycle) i will feel even worse with myself. i will miss the verses. :( have to teach myself to multiply zikr, i guess.
3. try reading. don't get me wrong, reading has always been my passion, but not when i was in a bad mood. i try to do it now when i'm not feeling so good with myself. depends on what books i read, it actually helps. i feel much better after that.
4. listen to good islamic music. nasheed, mostly. lagu-lagu ketuhanan. soothe my ears and my mind and my heart. make me cry a good tear or two or more too.
5. smile. suspiciously a fake one. but, somehow, when the lips stretch along my face to form that particular expression, i will automatically feel a bit better inside. it just does. to me, anyway. so fake or not, i'll do it.
6. sleep. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and still with the songs blaring in my ears. but maybe, not the depressing, dark and gothic ones anymore. but sometimes, still with the tears running down my cheeks.
7. write. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i try to write inspirational poems, lyrics, stories, though, no more depressing ones.
8. talk to my teddy. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i know it cannot respond, but somehow seeing that cute face just make it better, whatever it is.
9. sing out loud to whatever it is on radio or in the cd player. especially when i'm in the car. and laughingly shaking my head at the silliness of it. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above.
10. cry in the bathroom or toilet. notice painfully that i HAVE mentioned this above. i just can't help it.
11. daydream. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and i hate myself for it. i really want to stop this, but i just can't help where my mind wander to sometimes or most of the time. my mind has a mind of its own, without me controlling it. hah. is that possible? or is it just plain crazy and ridiculous? heh...
anyway, PLEASE NOTE how many time i quote 'notice that i HAVE mentioned this above'. because most of the methods do not differ much from when i used to be and where i am right now. i still cry, i still talk to my teddy, i still daydream, i still try to break a hole in my eardrums with the highest volume of anything i feel like listening, however i hate doing those and however i try to get rid of them. however i try to just depend on the holy verses, these habits won't go away. they just FRUSTRATINGLY won't. hm...
well, there's a saying anyway, right?
old habits die hard, eh?
you know what? i think whoever that came with that saying, 'old habits die hard' should be given a nobel laureate or a nobel prize, whatever, because that is quite a SAYING. if you know what i mean.

my problem is.... oh no.. my problemS ARE...

my problems are:
1. i don't know how to tell people my problem.
2. i don't give a damn about how i look.
3. i don't give a damn about what other people think or feel about me (until recently).
4. i get easily bored, be it with people, things, the net, monotonous empty conversations (with only a few exceptions, the things and people i doubt i'll ever be bored with: good insightful lyric and beautiful music, my family, my best friends, linkin park and good novels).
5. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i miss them.
6. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i love them.
7. i don't know how to show or tell my family i love them.
8. i don't know how to show or tell anything at all.
9. i am suddenly at the dead end of a journey and i don't know where i'm heading next.
10. it's been a while since ideas flown in every morning and every night.
11. it's been a while since i can smile sincerely from my heart.
12. it's been a while since i stop cursing and i feel like doing it again.
13. it's been a while since i look forward to something and now there's nothing worth looking for.
14. it's been a while since i last wrote in here, hah!
15. i hate the shower at home with it's teeny, tiny, trickle of water. what's the use of having three bathrooms when u can only use one at one given time?
16. i hate not being able to speak up.
17. i hate feeling angry inside and can only unleash it out with tears.
18. i hate the cramping pain in my gut whenever my monthly flux is due and when i'm too sad i can't even sob. and then, the cramps worsen.
19. i hate the fact that i can't say what i really feel. i can only think it.
20. i hate the fact that i'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now and the only thing i can show is a fake smile.
21. i hate bad thoughts i'm having in my mind right now.
22. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in men.
23. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in marriage institution.
24. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in love.
25. i hate being scared.
26. i'm scared of today's world with its abuse cases, throwing babies around, frolicking around, endless war, bad politics. you name it.
27. i'm scared of men.
28. i'm scared of love and lost.
29. i'm scared of not being able to set everything right.
30. i'm scared of this burden suddenly feels so heavy on my shoulders, even though i shouldn't have to carry it alone.
31. i'm scared of time. of it ticking away and i'm still here, doing practically nothing. unmoving.
32. i'm scared of you reading this and frowning your forehead and thinking what-the-heck-is-this-girl-trying-to-say and logging off.
33. i'm scared of relapse. me relapsing into who i used to be. tak nak dah, please, ya Tuhan.
34. i'm scared of you knowing all this about me and doubting me, thinking gile-ke-hapa-budak-ni?
35. i'm scared of me. of me writing this all out. of me risking hatred from you. of me telling you these problems that keep bothering my mind when i've said at number 1 that i don't know how to tell people my problems.
36. actually, i'm not telling my problems at all, am i? i haven't yet contradicted number 1 since i don't tell you in details yet what this is all about. because i don't even know what this is all about.
37. my problem number 37: i think i'm going crazy.
38. i think my hormones are going grazy.
39. i think this is a crazy entry. i could always delete it. forget it. babai it. be gone with it! (that was a line from natalie portman in the other boleyn girl) but then, here comes problem number 40: I DON'T WANT TO.
the end
p/s not the end of the problems. since life has never been without problems. it's just the end of this entry.
the end

Lackluster Life...

Once,
There’s a fire burning,
Inspired you to words,
There’s a wave curling,
Brought you back up to stand.

Once,
There’s a highway,
Enthused you with speed,
There’s a drama,
Ignited you up from sleep.

It’s been a while now…

Now,
There’s a leaf falling,
Captivating you,
Yet you don’t wonder where it can possibly land,
Your eyes only follow its boring flight.

Now,
There’s a sad song in your head,
Forced tears in your eyes,
Yet you refuse to wake up to reality,
Caught in the impossible dreams, you foolishly created.

It’s been a while now and you wonder…

How you fill your days with work you don’t enjoy,
How you fill your nights with thoughts you can’t say,
How ever can you stand such a routine?
How ever can you lead such a lackluster life?
How ever did you land here in the first place?

It’s been a while now…

Now,
There you are,
With an idol to look up to,
But you spoil the chance of awakening,
By falling in love with that image, that idol so far away.

Now,
There you are,
With hopes so high upon the stars,
Dreams so lost, you give up on achieving,
You lose in the game of determination, before you even start to compete with him.

It’s been a while now…

Once,
There you were,
Inspired by a fire burning, a wave calling,
Formed words so true to heart,
So brave and determined to fight a boring flight of life.

Once,
There you were,
Caught in the race for success,
Laughed and cried through the way,
So ignorant of boredom, when you’re so full of life.

It’s been a while now and…

Once in a while you remember,
That speed on the highway,
That drama when you’re awake,
Once in a while you wonder,
Where that leaf might fall,
When might your life be filled again with luster?

Penned by: Rodhiah Rahman, 150508…
wow, wee, i'm all about poems these days, aren't i? hehe... this one i wrote, yup, you got it, in 2008. i was already working at that time, doing practical. during our practical, we had to be attached at several units at the hospital and at the enforcement unit where we were exposed to the work of drug enforcement officer. at this time when i wrote this poem, i was attached at the enforcement unit. Most of the time we were here, it’s either we were out checking people’s licenses or retails’ licenses or unregistered drugs or we were stuck at the office, doing practically nothing. In this case when i wrote this poem, it was the latter. Usually when we were stuck here, we switched on our laptops, did assignments or reports and surfed the net, thanks to the wireless available. At that time, i was too bored, too... empty... i guess, to even think of doing those. And suddenly i came up with this poem.
Basically it was about boredom. How at that point of time, i found nothing interesting whatsoever with my life. How i have this dream of doing something in my life that is not what i’m doing everyday for a living. A dream career. Something totally different, totally off the course of clinical. Something unexpected, but exciting and creative and open my mind broader. Just something else to bring back the light to my life. I didn’t find it then. But i found ways to overcome my boringness, with work and chats with friends. That was then.
This is now. The reason i dig back this poem is because i’m back at that point again. At that point of boredom. Only this time i found the ‘something totally different’ that i’ve been searching to do. The only problem is i lost interest in what i actually do for a living, and concentrated more on this dream of mine which is not even that sure to be realized someday. And in doing so, i neglected my duties, i took my day job for granted, moreover when i have an increase of staff, i passed around work, i surfed the net and chatted with friends online unnecessarily and at some point when suddenly my responsibility as an officer called for a solution from a mistake done by I-don’t-even-know-who, i raised a voice to a staff which made her cry. Something I regret now and will regret for the rest of my life.
I would have gone on, being bad, if not for friends who woke me up from this nightmare i didn’t even realize i had. Because they had started to talk behind my back. And that was never good. That was nightmare. People won’t talk good things about you behind your back. I learned that the hard way a looong time ago. It would always be bad things. Good things they always say face-to-face. Compliments. Kissing a%$es, whatever. I never like compliments, anyway. And i don’t like people talking behind my back too. So, it’s better to just don’t talk about me at all, huh?
But this time, it was me who did wrong. So, basically, i digged this poem again. Something to make me realize, i’ve been there before. I’ve been bored, empty, clueless, hopeless to what my life is directing me to. I’m slowly learning to go to the right direction, but even so, i realize now, i can’t neglect the ones i’ve been doing along the way. Like the old saying; ‘jangan nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran’. So true.
I hurt people with my sharp tongue, oh yeah, that i did. I tried so hard not to, though. Most of the times, i’ll just be making jokes. That’s my way to restrain myself from being sharp, from talking bad about people. I make jokes only in three conditions. First, when i really like making them, when i sincerely want to listen to my friends laugh. Second, when i’m not comfortable with what people are talking around me. Third, when i don’t like the topic people are discussing around me, at all. And the third situation happened a lot at work. Talks of married life, pregnancies somehow drained my energy, because i’m not there yet. And because, deep down, there’s jealousy eating inside me. So yeah, i made jokes, sarcastic sometimes, and i grew lazier and lazier to work. And my mind focused more on the dream i’m trying to achieve, to distract me from those endless talks.
But then, along the way of realizing my dream, i come closer to God. And slowly that jealousy slipped away. Slowly, because there still is a bit of it inside. It’s a good vibe, though. You do need a bit of jealousy to keep you going. Jealous of kind people, will make you try to be kind too. Jealous of successful people will make you try to be successful too. If you take it the right way, do it the right way, with Allah’s guidance. And also i realized, i can’t be improving my relationship with God only, i have to improve my relationship with human too, with people. Habluminallah and Habluminannas. We can’t have either one. We have to take care of both. I realize that now. And that’s what i’m trying to do, now.
Like so many things in life, it works both ways. There’s a balance on everything we do, i realize that now. You can’t concentrate too much on one work, while neglecting the other which is most of the time more important, however lack in luster it is. So, i’m trying to remedy that. And in doing so, slowly the light will come back. I trust it will. It does already, bit by bit. I no longer feel trapped to go to work everyday, no longer feel frustrated, bored even, so that is saying something, isn’t it? :)

what irritates me

okay, this topic came from yesterday issue on morning crew hitz.fm. i was driving on my way to work and listening to JJ and Ean who were asking people what irritates them the most. and there was this one guy who called up and said what irritated him the most was malaysian who drives malaysian-made car but modified it to be foreign car. which i totally agreed.
i mean, come on. we know u're driving a wira, what's the use of pretending it's a mitsubishi lancer? we know u're driving a kancil, what's the use of saying it's daihatsu mira? we know u're driving a myvi (i'm proud to be driving one), why's the trouble of making it into passio? if malaysians will not be proud of their own making, who will, then?
i'm not saying malaysian cars are so good, engines mantap habisan, design lawa gile. the cars have their flaws. but then, the fact that we can make them on our own should somehow overlook the flaws. i believe our automobile experts are learning and studying and continuously improving. if u really want a really good, established engine, buy a toyota. save ur money and buy a honda. why waste the money on remodelling malaysian cars? if u want superb design, save ur money and buy a bmw.
i'd like to share my experience travelling to bangkok a while ago. me and my friends were walking at its mrt station, minding our own business, when suddenly we kinda stopped dead on our tracks. there, on numerous pillars supporting the station were banners and banners of proton exora displayed to public. i guess thailand had just imported exora at that time. we did notice a few savvy on the road before that. to be honest, i'm not really a fan of proton. i'm driving a car which i've made fun of once (apa da myvi, gemuk, belakang x lawa la, chubby pelik la. but now that chubbyness makes me love my car so much, cute!). yeah, so i was not really a fan of perodua, either. my dream car used to be honda jazz. now, it's upgraded into toyota camry hybrid. but back to bangkok, standing there, at a foreign land and staring at the banners of exora just brought a proud big grin on my face. just like that. and i mean, i don't even like exora.
there. what say you to that?
maybe, the saying 'hujan batu di negeri sendiri, hujan emas di negeri orang, baik lagi di negeri sendiri' struck a strong chord in my heart. maybe the fact that we were standing on foreign country brought a stronger sense of patriotism? maybe. i wouldn't be caught gaping at posters of exora if i saw it plastered in my hometown. i wouldn't even be gaping at the exora itself. there.
but, i just came to realize that we should be proud of what our country's achieved, so far. we made and branded our own cars. yeah, so maybe thailand have camry hybrid bersepah di tengah jalan. i mean, vios kat sana dibuatnya jadi teksi. i was gaping at those cutely painted pink, orange, green, blue, red vios taxis the first time i got there. but then, toyota is a japanese brand. and so is honda. and bmw... huh, bmw brand mana ye? i'll ask my eldest sis (wink2)... thailand didn't make its own cars, at least not yet. and the country's bigger than ours.
so, point to ponder here is this: if u're about to modify ur malaysian made car, just stop for a moment and think this: who are u? what are u made of? would u change ur face to be branded as someone else's? and what the hell r u doing wasting ur money when u could have saved it and bought a lancer or at least a vios, instead? there. i think, i've made my point.
and i haven't yet said what irritates me the most. hah!:)
okay, so, what irritates me? at that point of time when JJ and Ean were discussing the topic, the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that i have to go to work. yeah, it irritates me that i have to go to work every day. i'm lazy these days, not in the mood, seriously. the only thing that i look forward to every morning is driving to work, not work itself. but then i got easily irritated when there was a slow car on the right lane, and that pissed me off even more. because it spoiled the only thing i enjoyed doing everyday.
and why didn't i enjoy work these days? i honestly don't know. maybe because of the increase of workload. the increase of expectation. the increase of responsibilities. or, maybe i'm just not cut out for this. maybe i'm meant to be something else. not a pharmacist. i've lost interest in what i'm doing on daily basis. i only appreciate the knowledge i gain from this line of work, not the job. and yeah, i do appreciate the paycheck too.:)
and that is the sole reason why i have to keep doing this. because of the money. don't get me wrong, when i'm facing patients, i do care for their well-being, i try my best, but to really go to the depth like clinical pharmacist usually do, no. i don't have the energy, don't have the strength, don't have the passion for it. so sorry to say that.
so, what irritates me? the fact that i don't like my job right now irritates me. because it shows that i'm not grateful. and that is not good. to prove it even more, here i am blogging when i should be working. God, i'm such a bad person, aren't i?

will I marry ME?? em... er... no?

I went to this bengkel about clinical pharmacy documentation today. It’s basically about how to fill the forms for ward pharmacists. And i’ve stopped being a ward pharmacist for almost a year now, so u'll understand from all the many things we talked about, this particular topic grasped my attention. heh, yeah, funny... funny too, how this topic came into the workshop. it's just something the penceramah joked about, but it's good, though, don't u think?
It's a good question. we keep hearing people proposing will U marry me. but then did that person asking ever stop for a second and ask himself, will HE marry HIMSELF? or if it's a girl (although we know how rare that is), will she marry herself? as i'm asking myself now...
heh, u ask me whether did i ever get such a proposal? as a matter of fact, yep. twice.
first, from a guy i barely knew, went for a 'date' with him once, and he went stupidly pop the question to me on the phone. begging, was more like it. i laughed and rolled my eyes all at the same time, i mean, what the h&*%? he's happily married now, so that ends that.
second, recently, on facebook. yeah, roll your eyes.. the wonder of modern era... semua benda nak pakai online...easier, i suppose. don't know how serious that one is and no, i haven't answered that one yet... (taking a deep breath, now) because i have to ask this question to myself, first. will i marry me?
hm....it's a little bit difficult to answer, isn't it? i'm not even sure, but i'm going more into the 'no', not 'yes'...
i have a lot in my mind, rite now. a lot of dreams unreached, a lot of thoughts unwritten, a lot of works undone. i guess, i'm not ready. i'm not the kind who likes to date, couple, whatever else the terms u got. because it can only lead to heartbreaks, unrealized sins, u know... Tuhan cakap, hendaklah kau menjauhi zina, and couple, dating and the likes of it have a high risk of leading to that. i read it in an article, a good one too. so, maybe i like the old-fashioned way more. fall in love after marriage. i mean, it's the best love to have there is, rite? after the love to Allah? which is the best of it all. which i'm still trying hard to do... maybe i'll settle with arranged marriage. when i'm ready.
so, will I marry ME, now? no.
nice. what a topic to get from a clinical workshop. u'd think i had taken the wrong course. well, maybe i had. maybe if i hadn't taken this course and stayed where i was, i wouldn't be in this mess. or maybe, i would be in a different kind of a mess? heh, we'll never know the rest of 'what if's in our life, huh?
i don't think i have been such a good pharmacist lately. i've been lazy. huh...
let's see what topic can be triggered from tomorrow's session at the workshop, shall we? the penceramah was good in providing quotes, and u know i like to do that too. so i enjoyed the workshop because of that, not really because of the main topic we were supposed to be discussing. heh! bad pharmacist!
whatever! ciao!

walking in circles... dead by sunrise

Quiet, everyone's sleeping through life,
Afraid that their questions,
Just might have answers,
Quiet, everyone shut off their mind,
So, i'll turn on mine,

Alone, in a world with millions of souls,
Walking in circles,
Trapped in their dreams, unhealthy, unclean,
Walking in circles now,
Do not disturb, scream in silence,
Everyone's leaving...

Quiet, we're living inside of our mouths,
Afraid someone just might,
Hear what we're thinking,
Quiet, careful of what you might say,
Cause they'll put you away,

Alone, in a world with millions of souls,
Walking in circles,
Trapped in their dreams, unhealthy, unclean,
Walking in circles now,
Do not disturb, scream in silence,
Everyone's leaving...

Alone, in a world with millions of souls,
Walking in circles,
Trapped in their dreams, unhealthy, unclean,
Walking in circles now,
Do not disturb, scream in silence,
Everyone's leaving...

Chester bennington's walking in circles from the dead by sunrise's album, out of ashes...
one of the best songs, with the best, deep, have-to-think-over lyric i have in my collection. enjoy.

people always leave...

That’s a saying by peyton sawyer from one tree hill and like peyton sawyer, i’m scared of that too. Of the fact that people have the ability to leave u and don’t come back. And the fact that it’s gonna hurt u more than u can think possible when that person leaving u is someone u love. I used to pray when i was little (okay, maybe not very little, when i was in primary school or something like that) for God to take my life before my mom’s. Because i love her so much, i can’t bear the thought of her leaving me. It’s okay for me to leave her, go to school, go to college, go to work every day, get married, die. Die before she does, because i know, deep down, i don’t think i can handle the pain if she’s not around anymore. Hah, yeah, selfish, right? But, hey, it’s not in my hand to decide that, ey? It’s all His doing. All i can do is pray...
And tonite, or maybe a-couple-of-weeks ago nights, i began to realize that this fact, this fear of mine is the sole reason why it’s so hard for me to give my heart to someone. Because then my heart won’t be mine anymore, and if he goes away and never comes back, he’ll take my heart with him and i don’t have anything worth living for anymore. Hah, yeah, pathetic ey? A bit sickeningly helplessly romantic, you say? Welcome to my world.
It’s true that everything is decided. God has his way for every human being He created, each and everyone of us has our own story, our own destination. Our own destiny. And i believe with all my heart what He said in surah al-Baqarah, ayat 286: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. Allah takkan menguji hamba-Nya dengan apa yang dia tak mampu. I believe that. But then, to be that strong, to be able to bear this type of test, this type of pain, the pain of feeling dejected, abandoned, feeling alone for the rest of my life... to bear all this is not an easy task to do.
Again, all i can do is pray...

got a lil' bit angry today...

i had this one methadone patient coming to the clinic today with stitches around his badly swollen right eye and which can barely be opened... and both eyes were bloodshot... i was stunned for a moment.. apa kena pulak la?? i asked him what happened, and he said some idiots, four or more, beat him...
the story, according to him, goes like this: he was helping his friend, another methadone patient, to send his rosak motorcycle to a workshop... okay, fine, then he went home ke ke mana entah, tak tau la... and then suddenly the workshop people called him and accused him of stealing some spare parts, ke equipments apa entah kat workshop tu, and beat him... without proof.. oh, wait, they claimed they had proof... they asked a 'tok bomoh' and the 'tok bomoh' said the stuff was stolen by this guy.. who knew nothing whatsoever about it... what.the.hell?
and this mangsa keadaan had to pay for something he didn't do just because a tok bomoh said he did it.. i mean, come on.. what world are we living in? ingat ni macam citer p ramlee, nujum pak belalang ke nak pakai bomoh-bomoh predicted those things? tau tak p ramlee tu cuma nak sindir orang melayu, yang percaya sangat dengan benda syirik macam tu... ni, contohnya la ni... idiots who don't have any better reason to accuse an innocent man, guna alasan tok bomoh... tak ke stupid, bodoh namanya tu??
in my opinion, they just used that as an excuse... ada ke tok bomoh zaman sekarang boleh tengok dalam a bowl of water and nampak pencuri macam p ramlee buat dalam citer tu nampak perompak sembunyikan lembu n kambing tu?i don't think so... they just say whatever fixed their minds to say, as long as somebody pays for the blame... and furthermore, i suspected that they knew this guy was a drug addict (and i stress the word 'was', because he is on methadone treatment, he wants to change and he is changing, slowly.. dah tak ambik dadah, dah tak nampak serabai), and they thought people won't question their accusation...
and this is where i'm angry at... i mean, come on la... i spent almost every day going to that clinic and seeing these guys who used to be sampah masyarakat (as they called it before) changing from drug addicts to someone who have found something better in their lives. i'm not saying i have soft spots for them, ada je kadang-kadang tu rasa nak ketuk kepala dia orang ni, but then these people, most of them, anyway, including this guy really aspired to change... i saw with my own eyes their improvement... daripada rambut ada ekor ngalahkan ponytail perempuan dah dikerat jadi cropped head... dari berjambang, berjanggut ngalahkan dumbledore, dah dicukur jadi whiskers je... nampak dia orang nak berubah, image-wise, and thinking-wise... but then, when society, other people who don't understand, treat them like this, their only-just-budding self confidence dropped back to ground zero... silap-silap boleh jadi depressed, boleh jadi ambik dadah balik... do we want that? no, of course not, dammit! tau tak betapa susahnya dia orang nak sedar, nak lawan that seductive addiction and to come to the clinic and admitting they need treatment? tau tak how much courage they have to have to be able to do that?and people senang-senang je tuduh dia orang buat macam-macam, just because he used to be useless before... poor guy... he cried in front of me today... and i got quite speechless, didn't know what to do...
have to admit, though, biasa je tuduh orang.. kalau dengar cerita ada rumah kena masuk pencuri ke, nampak mamat suspicious sikit tengah duk cari besi buruk nak jual ke, memang automatik akan tuduh ha, tu mesti drug addict nak cari duit nak beli dadah... might be true, might be not... mana tau kut yang duk cari besi buruk tu sebab nak jual nak biaya pelajaran nak jadi doktor ke apa ke? we don't know people's actual intention, because we can't read people's mind and what's in their heart...
but, i do believe this guy didn't do what he was accused of... and he was beaten like he was a piece of crap, useless and guilty of everything... kesiannya...
at the end of the clinic tadi, memang ramai lagi patients methadone yang stayed, dengar cerita... this guy wanted to go to the police right after methadone, to make report... i heard a few of the guys, asking him to tell them if ever he wanted to payback... deep down i agreed... heh, but i can't actually support them directly, not a very professional thing to do in my line of work.... tak nak jugak nanti masuk headline berita, patient methadone hosp hulu trg mengamuk kat workshop mana2 entah because pharmacist dia orang suruh pergi balas dendam... but still, i smiled to myself secretly... because at that particular point of time, i saw the bond between these people grow... they've come this far to change, and along the way they made friends, and they had each others' backs... secretly, i'm proud of them, of that particular spirit and support they showed to fellow comrade...
tapi, kalau ada yang betul2 buat perangai, memang namanya nak kena ketuk kepala je tu...:)

i'm exhausted...

hola... from lazy, i jump 2 exhaustion... heh, what the heck is wrong with me these days?? but, then, seriously, maybe i just need a break from everything... and i mean, everything... work, stories, life... heh, no, i don't mean the last one.. tu gila bunyi macam suicidal la pulak... sayang nyawa lagi.. banyak lagi benda nak buat... banyak lagi benda dalam kepala yang nak dikeluarkan... waiting for the right time and the right words to come flowing in.. masalah betul bila ada too much plans in the head, berlumba-lumba nak dibuat... alih-alih, i'm staring @ nothing for an hour and a half, tak boleh buat apa ke jadah pun... cet!
physically exhausted, yeah.. walaupun the road to work not too bad anymore these days, but then bila bayangkan esok kena bangun awal dan tak boleh tidur dah lepas subuh, sebab nak kena pergi kerja, aiyo... terus badan letih... i'm such a bad worker, eh? nanti la, tunggu 1 mei, jadi good worker balik.. heh, hari pekerja... okey, okey, lawak tak kelakar...
mentally exhausted... sebab sedey idea dah tak datang mencurah macam dulu... dulu waktu datang kerja pun boleh just sit back sekejap, tulis... sekarang habuk pun tak dak... nape ye? mungkin sebab just nak kena kembangkan je idea lama tu? ye ke macam tu? tapi, pam nak bagi 'mengembang' tu macam bocor je, tak mengembang mana pun...:(
heh, okey, sorry.. don't understand what i'm ranting about? nanti la... not ready yet to spill... ni kira baguih dah ni mengarut kat sini... kalau tak, tak de nye... heh, memang aku dah melalut.. chow dulu la ye!

i'm lazy these days...

yeah... i am lazy these days... yawning almost every half an hour... when i'm at work, i'm missing my bed at home so terribly, i fell asleep on the desk and woke from a dream... a dream!! i mean, who the heck sleep @ work sampai mimpi2??
i'm lazy 2 write too... the ideas came slowly these days, have to read back what i wrote over and over and over baru boleh kinda peram idea baru.. tu pun tak banyak...
first project still stuck @ epilog... second one stuck @ the sad turn of event... third one stuck @ separation... forth one stuck everywhere...
so, basically, i'm stuck... and when i'm stuck @ what i love 2 do, i feel down... and when i feel down, i don't have the mood to do anything else... and when i don't have the mood 2 do anything else, i become lazy... and when i become lazy, i yearn to just sleep and sleep and sleep the day through... but i can't... because i have to go 2 work...
have to physically and mentally force myself to swing those skinny legs over the side of the bed, walked staggeringly to the bathroom and have a bath, put on clothes, sit at the driver's seat and drive my car for 40-45 minutes to work... and almost always, when i'm in the ground of the hospital, i'll start yawning...heh... until the end of that day... and the cycle repeats itself tomorrow... aahh, so lazy la, what 2 do??
i need a holiday... coming soon, yeah, insya Allah... can't wait...
but till then,i'm still physically and mentally forcing myself... aiyo!!not good, not good... but what a girl gotta do??

i'm blocked...

heh, that statement doesn't apply to my car being blocked and i cannot go out, or my path is obstructed by anything... it goes even deeper and more specifically to the smallest thing, which is my neuron... heh.. or more precisely, my brain is blocked.
no, i'm not saying my head is stucked in a helmet or anything, it's just that, i'm out of ideas...
my neurons which usually go out of their places exciting into something interesting and new are just now moving in a direct, straight, routinely boring pathway...
heh, i can see you're screwing up your nose and forehead now... and thinking in your head, what the heck is this girl trying to say??
so, here goes, to unscrew those wrinkles on your nose and forehead, all i'm saying is i don't have any new ideas... and i have three and a half 'projects' (if i may name them that way) i need, i want to finish...
the first one almost come to an end, yes, but when i rearranged the margin according to specification, i don't have enough pages as according to requirement... got me worried there for a second, because i have to add a few more here and there... and i've added... still not enough... and now i don't know how to end it... this one i do solely for my friends... and i'm desperate to finish... for them... huh...no ideas what more to add, which brings us to the second and third 'projects'.
the second one, i barely have an idea or two, but it kinda comes to an abrupt ending... not the end yet, still have a lot to add, but i just don't know what to do...
and the third, memang dah lama gila tak update... the 'half' one too..
aarrghh!!!
it's not nice being stucked, being blocked...by anything at all...
help me, God!!

lack of things 2 say...

yeah, yeah, i know... what am i doing with a blog if i'm not to use it, not to update it... but it's not for lack of trying, because God knows i tried... tried so hard to say something here.. just couldn't...ni tetiba mengupdate pun sebab tadi terbaca blog kawan... datang la aura nak update blog sendiri...
many things happen for the past month... (hah, it's been a month? already? kesian this blog...:)) but then, what happened was too huge to put into words...
no, i'm not married (rolling eyes)... is that the only reason why people don't have time to blog? because of the huge commitment? nooo... ramai je orang dah kawin boleh blogging...
ookay... apakehalnya keluar topik kawin pulak ni??
haa, yes, it's the wedding season... again... thinking back, i think wedding season macam tak de season la pulak sebenarnya... macam happen all year long je...
1 of my best friends got married,um, bila ye? terlupa pulak the exact date... never mind, but it was grand... surprisingly so, but then it took her six months to prepare (buat bunga pahar sendiri, from scratch tu, kagum betul aku dengan minah ni sorang), it should be a day to be remembered... so happy for her... seronok pergi wedding dia, because i felt myself getting into the event, sebab duduk rumah dia, spent the night, tolong pakaikan inai, tolong letak telur dalam bunga pahar, tolong kemas katil pengantin.. and yes, we still spent the night together on her wedding night...hahaha.. kesian the unfortunate groom... but then, we were happy...
i was happy... although masa tu fikiran ada juga pada that 'too-huge-to-put-into-words thing', which i'll tell you later, but then i can still feel the spirit of the party.. meriah siap ada bunga api kat langit lagi tuh!
then, last two days, another best friend got enggaged... i didn't go this time, and regretted it, but then jauh... and got another wedding here... but, yes Insya Allah, her wedding nanti memang kena pergi two days before and stayed two days after! heh!
so, tu la jadinya, i'm talking about weddings again... for lack of topics to talk about... seriously...
attending weddings kinda remind me of those long ago time when we, my family were preparing for weddings for my sis and bros... meriah... best... macam-macam kerenah... kinda make me remember back all those time watching my father doing the akad to the nervous grooms (my bros-in-law, now), kinda make me think when my time eventually come...
will he be there doing the akad too??
you see, that too-huge-to-put-into-words thing is about my father... he's not well these days...
he's been doing hospital-hopping for quite sometimes now, ada la jugak sampai dua bulan dah kot (hence the long time no update here)... ijn, hkl, kpj, kts... dah sampai serik dah pun dia nak duk hospital, especially gov hospital... and i, being a healthcare pro that i am, feel kinda helpless, because i don't know what else i can do for him... even the docs are still figuring out what is wrong with him... although the main reason is kinda obvious... his heart is troubling him... it has been like that for a long time, only now, it gets worse...
and you know, feeling helpless doesn't get you anywhere...
and of course, people will say, just be there with him, help him do whatever he needs to do, but guess what? that is easier, very, very much easier said than done... hm...
nice... i'm going from festive mood of weddings to depressing mood of hospital-hopping in split seconds... you would think i have a talent in writing...heh...peace out.

so, i might be a lil' bit jealous...

hm... previously, this was what i said basically... am happy to be single, enjoy making new friends, meet new people, anticipate the unexpected turn of event around the corner and bla... bla...bla... well, maybe that anticipation is a lil bit overdue... and i might be a lil bit losing my patience here... i mean, yeah, i've been hearing this way before, ever since matrix, that patience is bitter while its result is sweet, but damn, i have to repeat what i once wrote in my journal... that patience is playing on my nerves now, very bitterly...
the right guy might come along... or might not... shall i wait forever? or shall i settle with the second best? damn... i don't even know who the hell is the second best... not that sure anymore, anyway...
so, here goes... another friend of mine is getting married this august... she's this quiet girl in class, always smiling ever so sweetly, but never say a word that could be defined as nonsense...she's this kind of quiet girl who you'll never think would get married so easily, but, well, she will... nice... congrats to her... which brought me to think...
i was considered the loud girl in class, basically, the obnoxious one who tend to do things that drew people's attention, whether it was something likable or not... damn, how i wish i knew how to keep my mouth shut, or to be a bit more subdued or reserved or even quiet...
but then, that wouldn't be me... and i'm happy with the fact that i know who i am and how i am and happy with it...
now, then, why am i jealous of that quiet, nice girl?hah, yeah, because she's getting married, and i'm not...
nice, and i have to admit i'm not even ready to get married. i don't even know how to cook, for God's sake, and i'm jealous of my friend who's getting married!
it kind of twisting my mind for a bit... maybe i'm having a hormonal imbalance rite now... i might laugh my head off reading this later and delete it, but here goes... contradictory to what i wrote in june (i think,)i am jealous of my friends who are married...
there, it's out of my head... laugh your head off, now, i know you want to... till i do the same and delete this, ciao!!

LOA...

seriously... memang pelik sejak minggu lepas asyik takde selera nak makan... loss of appetite, LOA, yang takde explanation...tapi takde seteruk masa kena denggi dulu...boleh je makan, tapi tulah, makan macam makan plastik...tak de perisa, tak de rasa, tak de enjoy... nothing... fed up pun ade...
until last weekend... pergi KL, ada classmates kawin (yup, you're telling me...wedding season yang tak habis-habis lagi)... berubah angin... dah okey sikit selera...
and then, the next day, pergi beli laptop baru...hm, hari apa ye? ahad, 28th june 2009... kononnya nak cari acer pink, takde dah... tu limited edition... so belilah acer aspire 4736, instead... with original vista...rm2400...gile...dulu dekat rm4000 satu laptop, dapat barang free pun dua je... sekarang with that almost half the price, barang free pulak tambah sampai tujuh...ish..ish..ish..
and, miraculously, selera datang balik...ihih...aku sedey sampai macam tu sekali ke sebab takde laptop? tak sedar pun...kihkihkih...
so, moral of the story...my laptop is my love... aduhai...takde benda bernafas ke yang aku boleh love sampai macam tu?
hah, that question takde lagi jawapannya dalam skema...
till next time, ciao!