Thursday, January 28, 2010

got a lil' bit angry today...

i had this one methadone patient coming to the clinic today with stitches around his badly swollen right eye and which can barely be opened... and both eyes were bloodshot... i was stunned for a moment.. apa kena pulak la?? i asked him what happened, and he said some idiots, four or more, beat him...
the story, according to him, goes like this: he was helping his friend, another methadone patient, to send his rosak motorcycle to a workshop... okay, fine, then he went home ke ke mana entah, tak tau la... and then suddenly the workshop people called him and accused him of stealing some spare parts, ke equipments apa entah kat workshop tu, and beat him... without proof.. oh, wait, they claimed they had proof... they asked a 'tok bomoh' and the 'tok bomoh' said the stuff was stolen by this guy.. who knew nothing whatsoever about it... what.the.hell?
and this mangsa keadaan had to pay for something he didn't do just because a tok bomoh said he did it.. i mean, come on.. what world are we living in? ingat ni macam citer p ramlee, nujum pak belalang ke nak pakai bomoh-bomoh predicted those things? tau tak p ramlee tu cuma nak sindir orang melayu, yang percaya sangat dengan benda syirik macam tu... ni, contohnya la ni... idiots who don't have any better reason to accuse an innocent man, guna alasan tok bomoh... tak ke stupid, bodoh namanya tu??
in my opinion, they just used that as an excuse... ada ke tok bomoh zaman sekarang boleh tengok dalam a bowl of water and nampak pencuri macam p ramlee buat dalam citer tu nampak perompak sembunyikan lembu n kambing tu?i don't think so... they just say whatever fixed their minds to say, as long as somebody pays for the blame... and furthermore, i suspected that they knew this guy was a drug addict (and i stress the word 'was', because he is on methadone treatment, he wants to change and he is changing, slowly.. dah tak ambik dadah, dah tak nampak serabai), and they thought people won't question their accusation...
and this is where i'm angry at... i mean, come on la... i spent almost every day going to that clinic and seeing these guys who used to be sampah masyarakat (as they called it before) changing from drug addicts to someone who have found something better in their lives. i'm not saying i have soft spots for them, ada je kadang-kadang tu rasa nak ketuk kepala dia orang ni, but then these people, most of them, anyway, including this guy really aspired to change... i saw with my own eyes their improvement... daripada rambut ada ekor ngalahkan ponytail perempuan dah dikerat jadi cropped head... dari berjambang, berjanggut ngalahkan dumbledore, dah dicukur jadi whiskers je... nampak dia orang nak berubah, image-wise, and thinking-wise... but then, when society, other people who don't understand, treat them like this, their only-just-budding self confidence dropped back to ground zero... silap-silap boleh jadi depressed, boleh jadi ambik dadah balik... do we want that? no, of course not, dammit! tau tak betapa susahnya dia orang nak sedar, nak lawan that seductive addiction and to come to the clinic and admitting they need treatment? tau tak how much courage they have to have to be able to do that?and people senang-senang je tuduh dia orang buat macam-macam, just because he used to be useless before... poor guy... he cried in front of me today... and i got quite speechless, didn't know what to do...
have to admit, though, biasa je tuduh orang.. kalau dengar cerita ada rumah kena masuk pencuri ke, nampak mamat suspicious sikit tengah duk cari besi buruk nak jual ke, memang automatik akan tuduh ha, tu mesti drug addict nak cari duit nak beli dadah... might be true, might be not... mana tau kut yang duk cari besi buruk tu sebab nak jual nak biaya pelajaran nak jadi doktor ke apa ke? we don't know people's actual intention, because we can't read people's mind and what's in their heart...
but, i do believe this guy didn't do what he was accused of... and he was beaten like he was a piece of crap, useless and guilty of everything... kesiannya...
at the end of the clinic tadi, memang ramai lagi patients methadone yang stayed, dengar cerita... this guy wanted to go to the police right after methadone, to make report... i heard a few of the guys, asking him to tell them if ever he wanted to payback... deep down i agreed... heh, but i can't actually support them directly, not a very professional thing to do in my line of work.... tak nak jugak nanti masuk headline berita, patient methadone hosp hulu trg mengamuk kat workshop mana2 entah because pharmacist dia orang suruh pergi balas dendam... but still, i smiled to myself secretly... because at that particular point of time, i saw the bond between these people grow... they've come this far to change, and along the way they made friends, and they had each others' backs... secretly, i'm proud of them, of that particular spirit and support they showed to fellow comrade...
tapi, kalau ada yang betul2 buat perangai, memang namanya nak kena ketuk kepala je tu...:)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

i'm addicted to... speed.

yeah... it's not that so weird an addiction, rite?
but then, tu la... bukan main dah vow on the way balik kerja, nak maintain slow je bawak kereta, 70-80 km/j je kononnye... ye la, nak rushing ke mana pun... tapi, once ada je kereta slow sikit kat depan, got a chance to potong, terus potong and start speeding... dari nak maintain 80, jadi maintain 100km/j... sometimes even more... aduih...
betul la orang kata, there's something about speeding that gives u that particular 'kick'... maybe it's due to the adrenaline rush, the feeling alert like a panther that keeps u going, tapi, yeah, it feels good... and when it feels good, u keep on doing it... and when u keep on doing it, it becomes an addiction... lagi syok bila ada lagu best kat radio... but then, sometimes, nak alert punya pasal, tak concentrate pada lagu pulak... jadi x enjoy jugak driving bila dah kena cautious sepanjang masa... not to say driving slow doesn't need caution, but tu la... kadang-kadang, bila dah sampai, rasa lagi dub-dab berdebar.. wondering, did i really drive like a maniac just now?? punyalah tanam azam tak nak buat lagi, especially bila memotong bahaya sikit, but then, esoknya, buat lagi... aduih...
hence, it becomes an addiction...
not necessarily a good one...hm...
ops, it's time to go home, now... pray i won't speed...heh!
ciao!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

i'm exhausted...

hola... from lazy, i jump 2 exhaustion... heh, what the heck is wrong with me these days?? but, then, seriously, maybe i just need a break from everything... and i mean, everything... work, stories, life... heh, no, i don't mean the last one.. tu gila bunyi macam suicidal la pulak... sayang nyawa lagi.. banyak lagi benda nak buat... banyak lagi benda dalam kepala yang nak dikeluarkan... waiting for the right time and the right words to come flowing in.. masalah betul bila ada too much plans in the head, berlumba-lumba nak dibuat... alih-alih, i'm staring @ nothing for an hour and a half, tak boleh buat apa ke jadah pun... cet!
physically exhausted, yeah.. walaupun the road to work not too bad anymore these days, but then bila bayangkan esok kena bangun awal dan tak boleh tidur dah lepas subuh, sebab nak kena pergi kerja, aiyo... terus badan letih... i'm such a bad worker, eh? nanti la, tunggu 1 mei, jadi good worker balik.. heh, hari pekerja... okey, okey, lawak tak kelakar...
mentally exhausted... sebab sedey idea dah tak datang mencurah macam dulu... dulu waktu datang kerja pun boleh just sit back sekejap, tulis... sekarang habuk pun tak dak... nape ye? mungkin sebab just nak kena kembangkan je idea lama tu? ye ke macam tu? tapi, pam nak bagi 'mengembang' tu macam bocor je, tak mengembang mana pun...:(
heh, okey, sorry.. don't understand what i'm ranting about? nanti la... not ready yet to spill... ni kira baguih dah ni mengarut kat sini... kalau tak, tak de nye... heh, memang aku dah melalut.. chow dulu la ye!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

i'm lazy these days...

yeah... i am lazy these days... yawning almost every half an hour... when i'm at work, i'm missing my bed at home so terribly, i fell asleep on the desk and woke from a dream... a dream!! i mean, who the heck sleep @ work sampai mimpi2??
i'm lazy 2 write too... the ideas came slowly these days, have to read back what i wrote over and over and over baru boleh kinda peram idea baru.. tu pun tak banyak...
first project still stuck @ epilog... second one stuck @ the sad turn of event... third one stuck @ separation... forth one stuck everywhere...
so, basically, i'm stuck... and when i'm stuck @ what i love 2 do, i feel down... and when i feel down, i don't have the mood to do anything else... and when i don't have the mood 2 do anything else, i become lazy... and when i become lazy, i yearn to just sleep and sleep and sleep the day through... but i can't... because i have to go 2 work...
have to physically and mentally force myself to swing those skinny legs over the side of the bed, walked staggeringly to the bathroom and have a bath, put on clothes, sit at the driver's seat and drive my car for 40-45 minutes to work... and almost always, when i'm in the ground of the hospital, i'll start yawning...heh... until the end of that day... and the cycle repeats itself tomorrow... aahh, so lazy la, what 2 do??
i need a holiday... coming soon, yeah, insya Allah... can't wait...
but till then,i'm still physically and mentally forcing myself... aiyo!!not good, not good... but what a girl gotta do??

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

i love music...

okay, ni nak start balik dah karangan about the things i love...
i'm giving u time to run... 1... 1 second...2... 2 second...3... 3 second...
still here?? u're one brave person...
so, here goes... i love music...heh... what the heck? who doesn't? but the thing is i just don't love typical music that is played constantly on the radio... or is the hot buzz of the year, month, week, whatever... i love the kind which has good lyric and superb sound... no matter what year, month, week they're born...
okay, first, we go to good lyric... when i mean good lyric, i kinda mean poetic ones...heh, sue me, but i like meaningful lyrics, not those yang keep on ulang the same things, no value, no meaning whatsoever... i like the kind that makes us think back about our lives, makes us stop for a while and judge ourselves, because hey, there is nobody else worthy to judge ourselves than our own selves... we can't judge people, because that is just not a right thing to do, so as the door swings both ways, people cannot judge us too. only we can do that... if, okay, to be fair, i do listen to lovey dovey songs, too, but yang ada sweet words.. not just merely i want u, u want me, that sort of things... so, i guess, r n b is a no, no to me...not even for the sake of its music, because r n b is mostly dance music, and i have to admit, shamelessly, i don't know how to dance... so what the heck is the use for me to like r n b??heh... hiphop, some i can tolerate, some no... shinoda's rapping, yes, of course, since i'm a big fan, and he raps about life mostly, so there's value there... sappy, lovey westlife, backstreet boys?? used to like them back in secondary school days, when i was this awkward school girl trying to connect with my surroundings, but now i find them kinda ridiculous...heh, yeah, sue me, a bit skeptical (some might say, a lot) about that particular thing called 'love'... and i put down the title 'i love music'... sue me for being contradictory, even to myself.. i too don't understand myself most of the time... so, back to that... what kind of music i love actually?? good lyric can be found in love songs, yes, rap, yes and rock... hah... rock... heh.. i'm a linkin park's fan, developed when i was in my first year in uni, influenced by a roommate and yeah, i go for rock these days... and not just linkin park, there's nickelback, nirvana, metallica, oasis, creed, korn, hm.. just to name a few... and slow rock is nice too, like one republic... i go crazy for one particular song from them, all fall down... memang akan dengar lagu tu when i'm sad, depressed or even happy... here's a list of songs i listen to when i'm depressed, sad or happy;
1. all fall down, onerepublic
2. leave out all the rest, linkin park
3. wth u, reanimation album, linkin park
4. ku berlari, akhbar, firdaus n cat farish
5. wonderwall, oasis
6. how u remind me, nickelback
7. higher, creed
8. somebody someone, korn
hm... that's it, i suppose... heh, ada jugak satu lagu melayu kat situ, ye..heh, yes, it's a good song, talk about pursuing ur dream... so i guess, my taste in good lyric is not restricted to english songs only.. lagu cina yang i tau translations dia pun ada juga yang i suka: precious, by yuna ito... and our commemoration by,hm... lupa..but it's a soundtrack for a taiwanese drama, my lucky star.. one good story there...
so, kalau nak describe satu-satu lagu-lagu kat atas tu why i like them, alamatnya sampai bulan tujuh tahun 2012 pun tak habis lagi la entry ni...
but then, to conclude, the songs have good lyrics and superb music... and when i say superb music (here we go), i mean yang memang bila dengar tu rasa macam one earful (is that even a word?? i want to say a handful of sounds, but then u listen with your ears, so is it an earful??).. maksudnya, music dia cukup lengkap.. gitar goreng best, drums creatively maneuvred, vocals mantap, and the other sound, keyboard ke, table turning ke memang masuk cun je dengan lagu...yeah... all the good things in a song put together....
so yeah, i don't like simple music... i like intricately done ones... and meaningful too... handful?? yup, you can say that of me...;)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

it's fun going out with a friend...

heh, yeah, like i have to state that out loud... mana la ada keluar dengan kawan tak fun, ye idak??
tapi tu la.. today i got invited to hang out by an old friend from matrix, a guy, mind u, whom i haven't met for... um.. let me see... six years? is it? 4 years in uitm, then 2 years working, ni baru jumpa balik dengan mamat tu... ye la tu 6 years total up... baru catching up dengan dia pun masa masuk facebook last year...
and it was fun.. he brought his sister along, and she was fun too...
heh, ingat balik masa matrix dulu tak de la rapat sangat dengan mamat ni... tegur sakat tu ada la, biase je, tapi waktu dia mula tegur kat facebook pun rasa tergezut terkujat jugak sekejap...
but i have 2 admit la, he's one hell of a nice guy... his girlfriend is very, very lucky...
yeah, yeah, he's already got a girlfriend (rolling eyes) and he loves her so much! like i said, one lucky girl... hehehe...
we talked a lot about things, and i can sense how much he's grown... memang smart and open-minded but still sempoi selamba... nice combination... susah nak cari tu... heh, u got a clone or not eh benu??
he's got good opinion on almost anything, pretty optimistic guy yang memang jarang nak jumpa... heh, banyak siot puji, ada apa-apa ke?
tak la.. just proud i have a friend like him...
kehkeh, anyway, it was fun... that's all i want to say.:)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

i'm blocked...

heh, that statement doesn't apply to my car being blocked and i cannot go out, or my path is obstructed by anything... it goes even deeper and more specifically to the smallest thing, which is my neuron... heh.. or more precisely, my brain is blocked.
no, i'm not saying my head is stucked in a helmet or anything, it's just that, i'm out of ideas...
my neurons which usually go out of their places exciting into something interesting and new are just now moving in a direct, straight, routinely boring pathway...
heh, i can see you're screwing up your nose and forehead now... and thinking in your head, what the heck is this girl trying to say??
so, here goes, to unscrew those wrinkles on your nose and forehead, all i'm saying is i don't have any new ideas... and i have three and a half 'projects' (if i may name them that way) i need, i want to finish...
the first one almost come to an end, yes, but when i rearranged the margin according to specification, i don't have enough pages as according to requirement... got me worried there for a second, because i have to add a few more here and there... and i've added... still not enough... and now i don't know how to end it... this one i do solely for my friends... and i'm desperate to finish... for them... huh...no ideas what more to add, which brings us to the second and third 'projects'.
the second one, i barely have an idea or two, but it kinda comes to an abrupt ending... not the end yet, still have a lot to add, but i just don't know what to do...
and the third, memang dah lama gila tak update... the 'half' one too..
aarrghh!!!
it's not nice being stucked, being blocked...by anything at all...
help me, God!!