Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Broken

for lack of things to write... and i dunno why i like the word 'broken' so much... but here's the lyric for the beautiful song from lifehouse... i've highlighted what i'm feeling...

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out


I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating


In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead


And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating


In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home


I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating


In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

p/s: i want to post the song here, but then i'm tired and sleepy now.. maybe next time. till then, bye...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

list of dreams

saya ketandusan idea nak menulis. menulis di blog. menulis in general. this is what came up when i'm out of light. light of ideas, i mean. i'll try to make this short. because i notice most my entries are soooo long... heh... but, then, on second thought, yang ni pun rasanya akan panjang jugak... and boring... so, u're free to go... bye...

1. saya nak jadi berani

2. saya nak publish cerita yang saya tulis, tapi tiada no. 1 tu lagi.. camne???

3. saya nak main drum. sebab saya sangat suka percussion, tapi tak pernah berpeluang untuk belajar. setiap lagu yang saya dengar, the first beat yang caught my ears are the drumbeats. baru gitar. the way i define good music is when they have good drum tracks... and/or gitar goreng yg best...

4. saya nak belajar drift. tapi tak reti bawak kereta manual. heh.

5. saya nak jadi isteri yang baik. (whoa!!!!!!!!!! dari mana datangnya tu?????????????) heh...

6. saya nak jadi pandai memasak. malangnya saya malas. dan x pandai. :(

7. saya nak berkorban untuk something that matters. love, maybe? berangan that i give up everything to give someone i love something priceless. nyet! that was me being hopelessly romantic, i guess.

8. saya nak buat something that can mean something good to someone. tapi tak de talent. dan keberanian. again.

9. saya nak ada anak/anak2. and love them with all my heart as best i can.

10. saya nak jadi muslimah yang berjihad. again, keberanian itu sangat penting. that is why it's the top on my list here.

11. saya nak travel around the world. bukan sekadar untuk ambil gambar dan tengok view. tapi nak hayati cara hidup. nak berbakti mana yang boleh ditolong. bermusafir. bersyukur. takjub dengan ciptaan Tuhan yang luas ini.

12. saya nak pergi buat haji. nak jejak kaki lagi di Mekah dan Madinah. rindu sangat...

13. saya nak pergi Baitulmuqaddis. nak pergi negara2 islam yang susah dan tolong.

14. saya nak tulis lirik untuk linkin park. haha.

15. kadang-kadang saya berangan kahwin anak raja. so saya boleh berhenti kerja sekarang, dan buat khidmat sosial, bantu orang susah all over the countries. heh.

16. saya nak bekerja dengan spirit. bukan semata-mata bekerja, tapi tak dapat apa-apa in return. yes, dapat gaji. but gaji is just money. knowledge, wisdom, ikhlas, khidmat dengan hati tu yang lagi penting.

17. saya nak berhenti rasa malas setiap kali bangun pagi nak pergi kerja.

18. saya nak jadi happy. dan bersyukur dengan apa yang ada, which is a lot. tapi tu pun payah nak buat bila jealousy datang menyerang. i hate jealousy. :(

19. saya nak tamatkan list ni dengan something bombastik, tapi...

20. saya nak... dah out of light. again. aduih. this rattling is ridiculous, tapi it feels good to let it out. sorry, though. pretty boring. and insightless. clueless.

bye.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Bila lagi...?

someone like me is accustomed to this famous, open-ended question ever since we finished studying and started working. for me, that is almost four years of enduring tight smiles and flitting glances, searching for escapes. this ever famous question has sometimes became the reason to avoid socialising, especially during wedding season. these two words hold even more power than a loaded gun pointed at the head, just by being open-ended and stalled mid-air, waiting to be answered with answers yet to come.
or am i being dramatic?
bila fikir-fikir balik, kenapa mesti fikir ke arah 'itu' saje apabila soalan ini ditanya? i mean, it's being open-ended for a reason, ain't it? it doesn't necessarily have to mean: bila lagi 'nak kahwin'? right? it might mean: bila lagi nak sambung master? bila lagi nak sambung phd? bila lagi nak pergi mekah, madinah, australia, bangkok, vietnam, kemboja, jakarta... and so on and so forth?
or am i just being hopelessly optimistic?
what i notice is that this question is asked between people when they have nothing else to say. it's like an automatic traditional custom to ask this when you're out of topic to talk about. which brings another word into mind right now. pathetic. the person being asked might seem pathetic, for not knowing what to answer when asked this, but the person asking is actually more pathetic for having to ask this ever famous, out-of-other-thing-to-talk-about, question, in the first place. get what i mean?
tapi, adakah salah tukang yang bertanya apabila niatnya hanyalah ikhlas nak tau? mungkinlah juga salah orang yang ditanya, kenapa nak diassume pertanyaan itu menjurus ke arah itu saja, ye idak? i guess, it's a lose-lose situation. the one asking lose the other's respect when asking this question, and the one asked lose face for having automatically assumed the question is an insult, instead of honest curiosity.
it's a pity that this is what commonly happening in our society. losing respect and losing face, because of just one simple, open-ended question. and we wonder why people avoid each other's eyes when socialising...
so, here, let's rephrase things. apa kata bila ada orang bertanya: bila lagi...? kita jangan automatically assume they are asking us bila nak kahwin? how about we help them complete the question? hm...

kejadian di satu majlis perkahwinan....
A: dah kamu ni bila lagi...?
B: Bila lagi nak sambung master? insya Allah la makcik, ada rezeki saya sampai la ke Uzerbaijan tu sambung belajar haiwan2 gurun. (dalam hati: hahahaha)
A: (dalam hati: kurang asam budak ni).


at least then, we know we still have our sense of humour intact. ;P

Friday, June 3, 2011

Ta'aruf

Ta’aruf tu kalau ikut maknanya ialah saling kenal-mengenal. Merangkumi segala bentuk perkenalan, antara lelaki dengan perempuan, antara sahabat, antara saudara-mara selepas sesi jejak kasih. Apa saja bentuk perkenalan yang dianjurkan oleh Islam. Tapi, masyarakat kita dah pandang ta’aruf itu pada satu makna saja, iaitu perkenalan antara lelaki dan perempuan. Lebih spesifik lagi, kononnya antara lelaki dan perempuan yang ada intention untuk spend the rest of their lives together, yeah, yeah, simply said, to get married.
This entry is not going to talk about ta’aruf. Kerana saya bersetuju dengan makna ta’aruf yang asal, iaitu saling kenal-mengenal. Full stop. This is an entry about perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan. This topic came about after a short discussion i had with a few colleagues of mine a few weeks ago, about this. Dan sebab sinonimnya pemikiran ramai bahawa ta’aruf itu adalah spesifik ke arah ni, saya letak tajuknya seperti itu. bear in mind, the meaning of the word is broader than that.
So, back to perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan.
I was telling my colleagues that i don’t really believe in dating, atas dasar nak berkenalan sebelum kahwin. I have quite a strong opposition against the idea of dating and couple, clouded with the famous excuse of ‘to get to know each other’. Perlu ke ‘get to know each other’ dengan bergayut/berchatting/bermesej/ sampai ke pukul tiga empat pagi, talking nonsense and NOT getting to know each other at all? ye la, berapa kerat couples that you know yang share their likes and dislikes, their wisdom and thoughts, their ups and downs, their goodness and their flaws? Ada, yeah, sikit. The rest, banyak yang cover up their flaws, their dislikes, their different opinions on things, just for the sake of impressing the so-called ‘other half’. Banyak yang spend 90% of the conversations on praising each other (you cantik/handsome/pandai/smart/cute/lawa), saying i miss you, i love you, rindu la, sayang awak and asking breakfast tadi makan apa, lunch tadi makan apa, dinner tadi makan apa, ni dah dekat nak subuh nak supper apa and the words go on, pusing balik macam tadi. Bila dah macam tu, adakah itu namanya berkenal-kenalan?
Hm... well, maybe i was just being sceptic. But that is the typical scenario these days. And i am frank enough to say that i don’t like it. And so i said to my colleagues, i don’t mind not getting to know my other-half before marriage. As long as God shows me he’s the right one. Who am I to doubt that, right?
But then, my colleague’s counterattack was quite an impressive one. He put in an example of an acquaintance we had sometimes ago, who was abused by her husband, the one she married before truly getting to know him (code words here: tak pernah ‘couple’). So, that got me to think. Is couple the answer? I still don’t think it is. Then, what is? Is the perkenalan sebelum berkahwin itu truly necessary? If abusing cases like that are taken into account, i’d say very much necessary. So, then, what to do?
It goes on to not whether or not perkenalan itu perlu, but it goes on to HOW we do it. And still i’d like to emphasize, couple is still not the answer. There is a way to do it honourably. And that’s where we were suddenly introduced to the word ta’aruf. Bila perkataan dah bunyi arab sikit, mula la ingat benda tu dah betul. Mula la satu perkataan dengan makna yang innocent disalahgunakan untuk menghalalkan apa yang sebenarnya haram.
For me, couple is NOT ta’aruf. Couple is not the answer. Dalam Islam memang tak de istilah couple. Dah berkoyan-koyan artikel yang iluvislam.com terbitkan yang emphasize pasal ni. Susah sangat ye nak paham?
In Islam, getting to know each other before marrying is allowed. But, do it honourably. The guy will bring his family to see the girl’s family, ask permission and get to know each other. When it’s necessary for the two of them to meet, someone else must be there as chaperone, preferably a close family. No need of chatting, messaging, gayuting, whatever. Simple. Clean. There won’t be unnecessary praises and stupid repeated questions when seated together with family like that. The true thing about each other will come out in the open, each likes and dislikes, each opinions and thoughts, each goodness and flaws. There is no need for trying hard to impress since both families are already aware of the situation. Tengah dalam proses nak berkenalan. That is the true meaning and the right way of berkenalan. Susah ke nak buat? I don’t know. Ask yourself. It’s the ideal way. Tapi susah betul nak cari ketika zaman dunia dah nak kiamat ni...
For me, it’s pretty simple. I might be seen as a modern girl who watches too many Hollywood movies and read too many romances before. But, when it comes to deciding who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with, i’m still the old-fashioned, conventional, budak pingitan melayu macam zaman dulu-dulu. I won’t be impressed with the words ‘will you marry me’, however special you make the proposal is, however sore your knees are for kneeling. I’ll be impressed if you’re there, with your family, meeting mine and do it honourably. I’ll be impressed if you do that because you know it’s the right thing to do and because you know that is how we do it in Islam, and most importantly, you do it because you want to gain His blessings. That will impress me. Whether or not you’ll be accepted, that’s not for me alone to decide. It’s still His work.
So, scold me for being old-fashioned, i won’t budge. I’m trying to do it the right way. And that’s the only way i know to ‘berkenal-kenalan’. The only way I approve of because i’m trying to do what Allah wants me to do. What He will approve me of doing.
Because for me, the fact is this: nak cari suami dunia tu mungkin senang. Nak cari suami dunia DAN akhirat tu yang susah. Wallahualam.