Friday, September 21, 2012

I miss him

I made the mistake of opening my father's closet today.
Awashed by the smell of his favourite perfume still lingered there, i stared at his baju melayu's hanging in there, while images came crossing my mind. An image of him in one of those baju melayu's, the turqouise one that he used to marry off his elder three daughters. An image of him in the other ones, smiling at me as he prepared for Jumaat prayer, always going to the mosque earlier than everyone else, smelling of the musky smell of that perfume he loved so much.
Images after images after images... And the tears came without warning.
Can't stop it. Still can't stop it after 7 months...
I miss him. Terribly much.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Roads Untraveled

'Weep not for roads untraveled,
Weep not for paths left alone,
Cause beyond every bend,
Is a long blinding end,
It's the worst kind of pain I've known.

Give up your heart left unbroken,
And let that mistake pass on,
Cause the love that you lost,
Wasn't worth what it cost,
And in time you'll be glad it's gone.

Weep not for roads untraveled,
Weep not for sights unseen,
May your love never end,
And if you need a friend,
There's a seat here alongside me.'

~ Linkin Park, Living Things, 2012.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


I remember that time when i sat alone in my car, staring into nothingness, waiting for that plane to take off... With tears flowing nonstop down my cheeks. I didn't know or understand why the tears came then, but i do now.
Because i remember another time before that, i was staring at them as they sat, patiently waiting for the final boarding call. The rest of the passengers walked past them. They should be the last to board. He couldn't walk the short distance to the plane door, you see, so a wheelchair was waiting besides him. I watched as he slowly stood up and sat on the wheelchair and the airport guy wheeled him slowly forward, with my mother close besides him. And that was the last time i saw him alive.
That was the reason for the tears.
Somehow, someway, back then, i knew but didn't realise.
Days passed, tears came, tears went, and i found a message on his sent item folder that made me laugh and cry at the same time. It was a message he sent a few months ago to my mom when it was just me and him at home, my mom had to take care of my sis who had just given birth;
'As'kum Nah, baru lepas makan 2 beranak. Anak suruh abah basuh pinggan. Hahahaha! Anak.'
That 'anak' in the message was me. Yes, i asked him to wash the dishes that night. But i didn't know he told my mother about it and laughed about it. The unconditional love of a parent. You find it in unexpected ways, most of the time.
I miss making him laugh. Even when i didn't know i did it.
I miss the jasmine buds he liked to put on my bed. I would let them bloom and dry up there before i threw them away. I miss his teasing and his jokes. I miss the sound of his voice when he recited the Qur'an after Subuh.
I miss him. So much.
Ya Allah, Ya Rabb, rahmatilah roh abah. Ampunilah dosa-dosanya... Lindungilah dia dari azab kubur-Mu, ya Allah, sayangilah dia... Amin...
'Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah, maha penyayang. Segala puji-pujian bagi Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. Yang maha pemurah, maha penyayang. Yang menguasai hari pembalasan. Kepada-Mu sajalah yang kami sembah, kepada-Mu sajalah yang kami mohon pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Iaitu jalan orang-orang yang Engkau anugerahkan nikmat kepada mereka, bukan jalan mereka yang Engkau murkai, dan bukan pula jalan mereka yang sesat.'