keepsakes...

i miss my best friends. a lot.
and this is the only place i can say that.
i'm not good at saying my feelings out loud. i'm not good at showing how i really feel towards people. that is one of my many, many weaknesses, i'm afraid. i'm not the kind of friend who goes on hugging friends, not even those i haven't seen for ages. i'll feel awkward, to be honest. deep down i like and appreciate it, but still the awkwardness won't go away. i'm not the kind of friend who calls friends just to chat, not even once a month. i wouldn't know what to chat about. i wouldn't know what topic to go into when we got past the greetings. i hardly sms to ask how a friend is doing, i'll only be texting to wish them happy birthday. and that is when i ask them how they're doing. once a year. that is the only way i show them that i do remember them. by remembering their birthdays. but, i do remember them. a lot. i miss them.
there's a reason to it, though. my one, solid excuse. my best friends move on with their lives. and me with my naive and at times, stupid thought believe that i don't want to bother them.
tonight, i miss my three best friends from uitm more than ever. and this is why i'm writing this.
i miss our laughter together. i miss our tears together. those four years we shared cannot be replaced by anything, anything at all. i still keep the memories, even though they already go way far along the road, leaving me behind. i held on to the little things they ever gave me for as long as i could. my keepsakes.
Elya once gave me this keychain with four cartoon figurines on it for my birthday in 2006 (i think). each representing everyone of us, she said. me was the naughtiest and the skinniest one, heh. i lost it in the built-in-the-floor heater at my sister's rented house in melbourne in august 2010. i sat there crouching on the floor, groping for it for hours, but didn't find it. maybe i lost it somewhere else. but the fact remained that hurt me most is just that: i LOST it. it might be just a little, meaningless thing to some people, but not to me. it represented me and my three best friends. it represented the memories. it represented a friend who loves her friend. i've held on to it for years, dangling from my favorite backpack and it traveled with me. to bangkok, and melbourne twice. i'm so sorry i lost it.
Maria once gave me a set of pink brooches, because she knew i like pink, one smaller than the other, also for my birthday. i didn't wear it when i was still studying, because i was not much of a girl who swung her tudung this way and that way. i was pretty much a simple girl who worked just fine with one brooch. so, i kept it in the box she gave me. i started wearing them when i started working, at the end of 2007. and never stopped wearing them until i lost them too, somewhere i didn't even know, recently. i hate this. she didn't even know whether i ever wore them, because she never saw me do. but believe me, they were my favorite brooches for as long as i could hold on to them. still, some people might say, what the heck, it's just brooches, but it's a gift. from a best friend. who knew and noticed and understood what i like and dislike.
Fad once surprised me with a cute little dinosaur teddy, with pink polka dots all over its body for my birthday. i named it Baby Pinky. one friend saw it and thought it suited to be called Measles, for the dots on its body, heh! nice name. even funnier than that, when all of us went to my sister's house one day, we saw that my barely one year old niece had the same teddy in her arms. what a coincidence! mak sedara ngalahkan anak sedara main teddy bear! i still hold on to it. i still have it on my bed, one of my sleep companions every night. thank God, it's a bit bigger to be lost anywhere.
those are my keepsakes. my sentimentally valuable keepsakes given by my three cherished best friends. whom had moved on beautifully with their lives. Elya is married and expecting her first baby this march. Maria is married and blessed with a cute little boy named Adam whom i haven't yet met, except through pictures in facebook. Fad is also married and expecting her first baby somewhere close to elya's too, i think. see, how i don't know much actually, because catching-up with friends is a failed course in my book. however much i miss them. and i regret that. but still, i hold on to the excuse that i don't want to bother them. as long as i know they are happy, that is enough for me. and so i sit here, missing them, and keeping our memories together close in my heart, with and without the keepsakes, for the sake of a beautiful friendship i'll treasure forever.

romance, romantic, romanticism...

wookay...
i've been trying to write on this topic since the first time i watched the movie 'The Young Victoria' on star movies. and that was a while ago. i've watched reruns of it three time! heh. it was about the queen victoria of the eighteenth century, how she met her husband, the love of her life, the regent prince albert and how she reigned for 64 years, the longest period of reigning for an england sovereign, to date. it's only fair to say that the movie was romantic, and the fact that it chronicles the queen's early life almost to the letter (except for the fact that her husband in reality was not hurt in the attempt to shield her from that crazy man who tried to kill her) kinda made me fall back into my romantic mode and believed that fairy tale happy ending does happen in real life. heh!
which somehow made me want to write about this:
first: romance.
second: romantic.
third: romanticism
Romance
by definition from wikipedia, romance is a noun that describes the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. It is also used as a verb (meaning to court or pursue amorously). in my case, to be perfectly and completely honest, i was a fan of romance novels. i did feel that tug in my heart whenever i watch romance-genre movies or dramas. there you go. but heck no, i didn't go fooling about romancing anyone, Alhamdulillah for that.
Romantic
Answer.com reflects romantic as relating to characteristic of romance or as a noun, it is said to be a follower or adherent of romance. in my part, i wouldn't say i'm a romantic. my best friends would say quite the opposite. well, i did cry at some shah-rukh-khan starred hindustan movies, which to them automatically labeled me as a romantic. outwardly, i hardly show that i'm romantic. i try to be the complete opposite, when deep down, actually, I am. i shared the same opinion as the two leading characters of the 27 Dresses. for them, when attending a wedding, they don't pay attention to the brides. instead they watch the look on the grooms' faces. whether it was pure pleasure at the first sight of his bride in a wedding gown, a forced smile, a nervous shake of the head, or plain torture. i do the same. whenever i watch the movie with weddings in it, i look closely to the groom, and not the bride, how happy he looks. whenever i attend a wedding, i watch the groom, the way he sits in front of the wali and tok imam and tok kadi, the way he nods his head, the way he smiles nervously and says the solemnization vows, the way he looks up, searching for his newly-wed wife and smiles when he finds her with her head bowed low and a soft smile upon her lips, relieved. brides are supposed to look beautiful on the wedding day. so, what's the use of looking at them when you already know that fact? but, you never can predict how a groom would look on his wedding day. if he's happy, it would show on his face when he finally solemnizes the marriage. if he's not, it shows too. that is much more interesting to look upon, and if that makes me a romantic, so be it.
Romanticism
Wikipedia said that romaticism (or the Romantic Era) was a complex artistic, literary, and intellectual movement that originated in the second half of the 18th century in Europe, and gained strength in reaction to the Industrial Revolution. quite a mouthful, huh? so, it's a movement, in various aspect of living at that time. The movement validated strong emotion as an authentic source of aesthetic experience, placing new emphasis on such emotions as trepidation, horror and terror and awe. so, it's about emotion. emphasizing on emotion, and neglecting anything else. hm... not quite a good thing to do, when emotion can lead you astray to the wrong path, if you neglect to use your head with it. being a woman, especially, emotion plays a vital part in our lives. unlike men who are all about logic and rational thinking, we, women, tend to rely on emotion a tad too tightly. which brings me to another definition of romaticism, quoted from Harun Yahya's Romanticism; A Weapon of Satan.
hah! that was on the cover of the book. we don't even go in depth of the book yet, but still the title already tells us that romaticism is not a good thing. according to Harun Yahya, romanticism is one such falsehood that is erroneously thought to be "true." In a society where people do not live by the true religion, romanticism is portrayed as a favourable quality peculiar to
compassionate, good people. Essentially, one of the most harmful characteristics of romanticism, and from which we must be on our guard, is that it rejects "reason" as contrary to its philosophy.
another mouthful, yes, but the important part from this i can extract is that romanticism is dangerous. we Muslims are people living with the true religion, we don't need a deviation to classify ourselves as what kind of a person. being a Muslim, a true one will automatically make us compassionate and good people, following the guidance of our Quran and the sunnah of our prophet. because those two teach us to be good people in details, and still keep our head above us, to rationalize things, not relying solely on emotion. we believe that our hearts are the center of our emotion, while our heads are the center of our rational reasoning. the beauty of Allah's creation is that the head is placed above all parts of the body, and the heart is placed on the upper left corner of our torso. reflecting on that, He wants us to put our head above anything, that is, to put our reasonings above anything else. emotion only come second.
There is a subtle danger that leads people away from religion, prevents them from submitting to God as their Lord, and ultimately brings numerous other forms of trouble and distress upon them. This danger of which we are speaking is sentimentality that leads people to live, not according to their reason, but according to their emotions; that is, according to their desires, hatreds, their susceptibility to temptation, and their stubbornness ~ Harun Yahya.
Ya Rabb, please don't let me fall prey to this danger, ameen.
so, following that, i redefine myself.
Romance, Romantic, Romanticism.
i let go of the first, i only hold on to the second deep down and be cautious about it, and i identify the third as something i should be careful about and God willing, not to be a victim of... insya Allah.

of terror and changed perceptions...

so, i stumbled upon a curious series tonight, The Future Express on australian network (channel 521 on astro). astro info told me that the series followed people traveling by train through 26 countries in 6 continents. seeing the fact that i am in the missing-my-traveling-days mode (and missing australia t00), i gleefully switched channel from whatever the heck i was watching before that in the hope that i'll be greeted with the beautiful scenery of the koala-and-kangaroo-inhabitated continent.
and then i was practically gaping at the screen. ngee...
first of all, it was not english. not even australian english. curious, curious, seeing that it was aired on australian network. how did i know it was not english? they provided english subtitles, you dope! heh, sorry!
second, it showed the cameraman going around in a moving train, interviewing people, mostly muslims. and after a while, i came to understand that they were algerian muslims. and the topic of discussions between the cameraman and whoever was with him with the passengers was about terrorism.
curious, curious...
and yes, curiosity got the better of me so i stuck with the series till its end.
numerous people were interviewed as the train kept going. some with the right definition of islam, some not so much.
one particular girl and what she said caught my attention. i couldn't remember her exact words now, but what she said was pretty much this: she scolded the wearing of veil for muslimah, saying it limits a woman's freedom (yes, she didn't wear any). i don't know now whether she's actually a muslim or not since she laughed and blushed when telling a story of a few men clapping their hands at her when she walked around in miniskirt. curious...
she also kinda scolded the terrorists which she said ruined the image of islam, and wondered out loud how muslims can say islam is so holy when those people (the terrorists, she meant) killed people in the name of jihad and raped women.
my level of curiosity increased at that so i yahooed (you have googled if you searched for info in google, so when i searched for info in yahoo, it's yahooed, yeah? heh!)
i didn't find so much on algeria and its relation with terrorists, and i am not a fan of newspaper, so i really have no idea what that was all about, until i read this short q&a session :http://infad.usim.edu.my/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=10781
so, there was a twin bombing happened in algeria sometime ago, (i think in 2007) involving the al-qaeda group claiming it to be a 'badr battle', which is an insult to islam, seriously.
so, the girl's perception on islam changed because of some stupid terrorist's act. can we truly blame her?
so, yeah, maybe it's because her understanding of islam is not as deep as it should be. because there were people on the train who understood and discussed that terrorism is not jihad. one man said that islam is a religion of peace, a religion of tolerance, which is absolutely true. islam is about cherishing our neighbours and uniting brothers and sisters with peace, not war. some understood that. some, with a bitter experience, i suspect, might find that concept a bit difficult to grasp.
see how terrorism is a danger to us? orang islam sendiri yang bawak bahaya pada orang islam lain. yang terlalu fanatik dan dah terpesong. that is sad.
it's sad knowing that wearing veil, or hijab, or tudung for muslimah is considered limiting their freedom, and it's sad knowing that a woman (and many more out there, i'm sure) think like that. because it is clearly stated in the qur'an (surah an-nisa and an-nur, specifically) that for muslimah to wear hijab is for the sole purpose of protecting them from harm, guarding their honor. that's the beauty of it. it is so sad knowing that a woman can misunderstand that. or not realising that.
it's sad knowing that one man or a group of men's wrongdoings tarnish the whole population of islam and the fact that muslims all around the world are being watched like a hawk. its sad knowing that in some countries, they bane the wearing of hijab for fear of them carrying weapons inside. it's sad knowing that muslims can't travel much around the world, especially muslimah, since they with their tudung create a wave of paranoia so great, that people stare at them with fear and hold their children tighter around them.
it's sad knowing that when that is clearly not islam is about. islam does not promote fear among people. because it is about peace, and not war. even there is no force in converting into it. we've learned that 'tiada paksaan untuk memeluk islam' since our form four pendidikan islam.
it's so sad knowing that people can misjudge this beautiful religion so greatly.
islam guides women closely to protect them. please, do understand that. i read in the iluvislam's paper today, an article saying that women are created with 9/10 shyness, and 1/10 wisdom, while men are created with 9/10 wisdom and 1/10 shyness. when women lose their shame, she's done, so do men when they lose their wit and mind. and it is so easy to lose that these days. so many distractions and bad influences, secular thoughts and perceptions. nauzubillah...
i'd like to share something else. supplications from ustaz zaharudin website. he encouraged people to share, so here it is, for muslimah out there: http://zaharuddin.blogspot.com/2010/11/doa-elak-cabul-dan-rogol.html
in case the link is broken: here's the copy-and-paste's version of it:
'DALAM sebutan rumi : BISMILLAH ALLAZI LA YADURRU MA’ASMIHI SYAIUN FIL ARDI WA LA FIS SAMAIE , WAHUWAS SAMI’UL ‘ALIM
Ertinya : Rasulullah s.a.w didengari berkata sesiapa yang berdoa : “Dengan nama Allah yang tiada dimudaratkan sesuatu apapun dengan namaNya samada di bumi dan di langit, dan Dialah maha mendengar dan maha mengetahui” sebanyak 3 kali, maka ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehinggalah subuh esoknya, dan barangsiapa membacanya ketika subuh 3 kali, ia tidak ditimpa kesusahan bala dan musibah sehingga petangnya” ( Riwayat Abu Daud, 4/323 ; At-Tirmidizi, 5/465 dan Ahmad ; Tirmizi : Hasan – Teks doa berwarna Merah Syeikh Syuaib ; Hasan)
Ingin saya utarakan satu lagi doa sohih yang dibaca oleh isteri Nabi Ibrahim a.s (iaitu Siti Sarah) yang menyebabkan para lelaki zalim termasuk rajanya melarikan diri, saya sertakan sekali sumber rujukannya dari hadis Nabi s.a.w:
DALAM SEBUTAN RUMI : ALLAHUMMA IN KUNTA TA’LAMU INNI AAMANTU BIKA, WA BIRASULIKA WA AHSONTU FARJI ILLA ‘ALA ZAWJI FALA TUSALLIT ‘ALAYYA AL-KAFIR WA AZ-ZALIM
Ertinya : Ya Allah, jika engkau mengetahui bahawa aku beriman kepada Mu dan Rasul Mu, dan aku menjaga kehormatanku hanya untuk suamiku, maka lindungilah aku daripada dikuasai oleh orang-orang kafir dan zalim” ( Riwayat Al-Bukhari, no 2104, 2/722 ; Sunan Al-Baihaqi, 5/97; Musnad ahmad, 2/403 ; Fath Al-Bari, 6/393; Umdat Al-Qari, 12/30 ; Sohih )
Semoga ia dapat dihafaz dan di amalkan oleh semua wanita Muslimah, Cuma jangan lupa bahawa doa ini bersoifat tawassul dengan amal soleh anda, iaitu apabila diikat dengan imannya dengan Allah s.w.t dan RasulNya dan telah dijaga kehormatannya dan sudah tentu auratnya.
Justeru, seolah-olah kemaqbulan doa ini juga diikat tentang kewajiban untuk beriman dengan Allah dan rasulNya dan menutup aurat anda. Tanpanya, doa ini masih amat digalakkan untuk dilakukan, cuma jaminan seolah-olah lebih pasti bagi yang apa yang dikatanya (dalam doa ini) menepati apa yang sebenarnya penampilan fizikal anda.
Justeru, jika berbaju kebaya terbelah, baju sendat menampakkan susuk tubuh, berpakaian nipis seolah telanjang, bersolek canggih seperti artis bukan Islam..sudah tentu doa ini sahaja belum cukup mampu menjaga anda. Bukan kerana Allah s.w.t tidak mampu, tetapi Allah s.w.t tidak anggap wanita itu layak dek kerana kedegilannya sendiri.'
~i quoted a few ending words from ustaz too. just as a reminder. fikir-fikirkanlah. saya ni pun bukanlah baik sangat nak menasihati orang, still dalam usaha nak memperbaiki diri jugak lagi. sama-sama la kita saling ingat-mengingati, kay... wallahualam.

not my style. full stop.

not that i'm a stylish person.
okay, to elaborate on the topic, i posted this on my facebook status a few days ago: 'i'm sorry, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that's just not my style'.
sounds like i was lashing out at somebody, isn't it? the answer is yes.
at the risk of having that certain someone reading this (which i highly doubt), that was me trying to answer her (yes, it's a she!) when i couldn't do that verbally right to her face. so, i did that on fb shoutout, instead. you know me, i told you previously, i'm not good at responding verbally to people. i'm more the kind of a person who swallows it at the time and argues it over in my head (or in facebook) later.
so, okay, the origin of that statement. the cause of it is because i grew tired of that certain someone bragging me about getting married. haha.. what a topic. you'd thought i've grown over that, didn't you? as a matter of fact, i have. apparently, however, people around me haven't.
she kept on provoking me to look more, shall i say, presentable to guys, wear some make-up, dress in a more flashing, atttraction-seeking clothes, talk softer (to men, of course!), walk slower, behave more like a dara pingitan than the selamba, suka-hati-aku-la-nak-buat-apa-nak-cakap-macam-mana-apa-kau-kisah kind of girl that i am. and the list goes on..
i take it her intention is good. she's worried about me being single when the rest of my friends there are all married and happily snuggling their babies (ignore the sarcastic note there, sorry) and snuggling their husbands (not necessarily in that order, ignore the sarcasm again, please). there. i sounded angry. finally. i mean, come on. is that all that a woman's duty in this world got to do? find a man?
yeah, i know it's nature. dah Tuhan jadikan benda tu fitrah, who am i to go against it? and no, i'm not going to go against it, at all. i do want to get married someday, have children. make my family happy. be the best, loving, muslimah wife and mother that i can be. i love babies. and toddlers. and even my overly-talkative, too-fast-growing-up nieces and overly-brilliant, also-too-fast-growing-up nephews. heh. which could be prove enough that i love children. i do want that. most heartedly (is that even an existing word? never mind). i mean, wholeheartedly, yeah.
but, it takes time. and how long it's gonna be is not for me to decide. tu ketentuan Dia. why is it so hard for people to understand?
yeah, you can say that i can hasten the process by being more presentable to guys, wear make-up, dress flashier, talk softer and mushier, behave and walk slower, but heck, i'm sorry, that is totally not me.
and seriously, is that even the right thing to do? is that what our religion urges us, muslim women to do? parade ourselves for men to choose? certainly not and i know you agree with me.
for the time being, i'm happy being the way i am. i found love that matters and that's the only thing i'm working out for now. the love that matters here and in the hereafter. Alhamdulillah, Allah guides me through. Alhamdulillah, He protected me from being trapped in empty love during these 26 years of me breathing in this world. and i pray He'll continue to protect me in the future, insya Allah.
i found a purpose in my life now, and i'm working towards it. there is something better for a woman to do than trying to bat her eyelashes to make a man fall flat on his face, drooling over her. yes, quite a yucky description, but hey, i am an overly-imaginative person. heh. so yeah, i have better thing to do with my life.
so there, i'm sorry again, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that is not a muslimah's style and despite what you might see, i'm really trying to be one. a true muslimah. end of discussion.
verses that made me smile today, despite the bragging:
'Dan lagi wahai kaumku! Siapakah yang akan menolongku dari azab Allah jika aku menghalau mereka? Maka mengapa kamu tidak mahu ingatkan kekuasaan Allah? (30) Dan aku tidak pernah berkata kepada kamu: Di sisiku ada perbendaharaan Allah, dan tidaklah aku mendakwa mengetahui perkara-perkara yang ghaib dan aku tidak mengatakan bahawa aku ini malaikat dan aku juga tidak berkata terhadap orang-orang yang beriman yang kamu pandang hina itu, bahawa Allah tidak akan memberi kebaikan kepada mereka. Allah lebih mengetahui akan apa yang ada di dalam hati mereka. Sesungguhnya aku jika bertindak demikian, nescaya menjadilah aku dari orang-orang yang zalim. (31)'
~ ayat 30 dan 31, surah Hud.

I aim to be a traveler, not a mere tourist

One chapter in Anas Zubedy's The Quran and I caught my attention. Chapter 9: The Traveler. How he differentiated travelers into 3 categories. empty traveler, physical traveler and The Traveler. Empty one is described as the one going on trips with no preparation whatsoever. Physical traveler is the one traveling with all the equipments necessary to last a month, but with no heart or brain in it, just merely following the trail of the journey, taking a lot of his/her photos obscuring the views. and The Traveler, is the one who brings all that necessary without overdoing him/herself, and also participate and contribute something into that journey. or better yet, learn something from it. to quote the writer; 'a real traveler is a person who is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared. they went with a full tank, and came back with a bigger tank that cries for more. their tanks are forever enlarging. theirs are not just attending but also learning. theirs are not just attendance but also participation and contribution.'

I aim to be that kind of a traveler. not a mere tourist with albums or memory cards full of photographs, but brain and heart withhold nothing of value.

i do not travel a lot. i don't have that much time, nor resources. but when i do, i learn a great deal. might seem trivial to some people, but not to me.

a recent Cambodian trip taught me a lot. it taught me that there are always two sides of a story. i've been to a developed country. i've seen their technologies and quite caught with awe by it. but, the other side of the story is, there are underdeveloped countries in this world as well. and i can say i've been to one too.

the trip's original purpose was to help the people of a couple of Muslim villages. we were divided into two groups and i was in the group going to the village with its habitants already gathered in a small school. i regretted that we did not get to see how they live, but they still needed our help, whatever we could offer.


Whatever. We. Could. Offer.

these children went after the little snacks and trinkets we passed around like they had never seen them before. and maybe they hadn't. how many Malaysian kids you can say haven't eaten a packet of junk food his/her entire life before? be grateful. please.

One particular girl caught my attention more than the rest.

the girl holding on to her red bag tight with both her hands, securing everything that was given to her. she had the saddest expression on her face all the time, but she hardly begged. she just sat there when the rest of the kids swarmed around us with hands outstretched, waiting, hoping. being like that, however, she hardly got anything at all.

i tried to give her a packet of mamee once, but another girl tried to grab it right from her hand. i held on to the packet in her hand, until the other girl gave up and let go. she looked up at me and i tried to smile at her, although something changed in me. she quickly put the Mamee in her bag. i turned around and bit my lips, trying hard not to tear up. I can never look at a packet of mamee the same, ever again.
I remember at that time, images of my nieces and nephews came across my mind. how lucky they are, how they would never imagine to beg and push people around for a packet of junk food or a jelly. how lucky...

After we finished at the village, we went to the Killing Field or Choeung Ek Genocidal Centre, one of the places that proved the cruelty of the Khmer Rouge. to quote Wikipedia (oh, yeah, I googled), the Khmer Rouge was the name given to the followers of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, who were the ruling party in Cambodia from 1975 to 1979, led by Pol Pot, Nuon Chea, Ieng Sary, Son Sen and Khieu Samphan. The regime led by the Khmer Rouge from 1975 to 1979 was known as the Democratic Kampuchea.
This organization is remembered primarily for its policy of social engineering, which resulted in Genocide, which is (quoting wikipedia, again) "any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such: killing members of the group; causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group; deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life, calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part; imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group; [and] forcibly transferring children of the group to another group."

I never heard of that word, and never could imagine the cruelty it inflicted until i was there, standing at Killing Field which held 86 huge holes where this regime dumped almost 20,000 bodies of the Cambodian people they killed, mostly without any reason, at all. and these victims included women and children. there was a tree they claimed to be the one where babies were thrown at to die (1). there was a huge tree this cruel regime put speakers on, and played sound over and over again so people outside the camp wouldn't hear the agonizing screams of the victims inside (2).

A seventeen-storeyed memorial (3) was erected to house the skulls (4), bones and clothings of the victims they collected after a massive excavation from the holes. some holes held specific type of victims: without heads, naked bodies of children and women. one hole even held up to 450 bodies... and this is just from one killing field. history stated that during this regime, almost 1.7 million people were sacrificed to this cruel genocide.

seeing this tragic history, not so long ago, only a little more than 30 years ago, its no wonder that Cambodia is as it is today. the people are still trying to recover, are still staggering and trying to regain their footing, economically and socially. and they make do with whatever they have.

the pic on the right is one type of the mode of transportation they have besides the famous tut-tut. people sit on the planks like they sit in a bus. i couldn't take a clear pic of the vehicle (i don't even know what it's called) with people on it, so i took the one without.

Adults trying to make do with their lives and children with nothing better to do, running around, some shirtless, some dirtier than the other, with no clear understanding of what their lives are missing.
And this was the scenery that greeted us almost all along our journey. houses which we could barely call home, seeing the poor condition they are in. due to floods that come every end of the year (according to our fluently malay-spoken, Cambodian tour guide, Encik Ansari), most of the houses are built high above the ground.

it was a difficult sight to behold, a hard experience to swallow.

but, yeah, we had fun. we rode in tut-tut, went to Siem Reap to see the famous Angkor Watt and we shopped too. Cambodia is famous for its original precious stones (which i had no freaking idea how to buy) that come with much cheaper price (i was told) than what you get in Malaysia. and since we traveled a 6-hours journey by bus to Ho Chi Minh on our way back to Malaysia through Vietnam (by plane, of course) i took the opportunity to buy some cotton fabrics and telekung there for my sisters too. and some shirts for my parents, brothers and nieces and nephews.

but, the cheerful physical things i brought back couldn't really mirror the not-so-cheerful mental memories i keep with me. i might be in a shock. i did not expect it to be the way it was. but heck, i learned. a lot. it was, in a cruel way i might say, a wonderful experience. one, i am impatient to experience again. and again. and again. honest.

so, yeah, i aim to be that kind of a traveler. the real traveler who is "physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared. the one that goes with a full tank and comes back with a bigger tank that cries for more. the one who is not just attendance, but also participation and contribution. the one who is not just attending, but also learning".

and yeah, there's more yet to see, more yet to learn.

'Maka bukan sedikit negeri-negeri yang Kami binasakan dengan sebab kezaliman penduduknya, lalu runtuh ranaplah bangunan-bangunannya dan bukan sedikit pula telaga yang telah terbiar dan istana yang tersergam (telah kosong, ditinggalkan). Oleh itu, bukankah ada baiknya mereka mengembara di muka bumi supaya dengan melihat kesan-kesan yang tersebut mereka menjadi orang-orang yang ada hati yang dengannya mereka dapat memahami atau ada telinga yang dengannya mereka dapat mendengar? (Tetapi kalaulah mereka mengembara pun tidak juga berguna) kerana keadaan yang sebenarnya bukanlah mata kepala yang buta, tetapi yang buta itu ialah mata hati yang ada di dalam dada.' (Surah Al-Hajj, ayat 45-46).

Moga kita menjadi orang yang belajar dan menghayati dengan hati, bukan sekadar melihat dengan mata, kemudian lupa, mendengar dengan telinga kemudian alpa.

Open our eyes, open our minds, but most important of all, open our hearts.

Wallahualam.

My thoughts on flying

random entry, yeah, i know. my babble, whatever.
flying... seeing that word i always picture freedom. i guess the word fly, the image of a bird soaring happily in the sky defines freedom, eh? no one can catch it when it's on air, no one can grasp it, unless someone is cruel enough to shoot it down.
okay, moving on. why this sudden topic?
i've been trying to write about this particular passion of mine for so long, only now that the right time came up.
i love to fly.
no, i don't have wings (rolling eyes), i'm still human, and thus human needs help to fly. hence, the airplanes.
i bet whoever invented airplanes (was it the Wrights' Brothers? i forgot), did a lot of study on birds. their aerodynamic shapes, their physical abilities, their intuitions. and who invents these creations which don't need help whatsoever to fly? yup, Subhanallah... everything comes from Him and always goes back to Him.
so, airplanes. I like airplanes. i like flying. some people admit of having the fear of flying (i seriously don't know the scientific name of that phobia), but i love it.
my first time of boarding an airplane and flying was when i was in standard two, eight years old. it was my first trip much further than the one i usually took. me and my parents went to Langkawi and came back to KL by airplane! i still remember the excited look my father had when he first told me we're going to fly! and seeing that was my first trip on the plane, it was only natural that i wanted to know everything about it. i was even curious on what was going on in the pilot's cabin. and seeing the excitement on my face one particular steward was quite smitten by me (hahaha... perasan mode!), he gave me a huge MAS paperbag containing everything, from pens, notepads, playing cards, and a huge box of orange juice they used to serve to the passengers! and yes, from that moment on, i fell in love -sadly not with the steward, gila hapa, i was eight years old!!- but with flying in an airplane.
yeah.. i guess first impression does count, uh?
during those childhood times, i used to hate having to sit at the wings. because i was such a spoiled daughter, i usually got the window seat and not much can be seen when you're sitting at the window looking out at the wings. worse if you got the emergency seats, you got to look out at nothing since the seats are set further than the windows to allow for opening the emergency doors if the need arises.
but, as i grow older, i find myself looking forward to sitting at the window seat besides the wings, but still very much prefer not to be the emergency seat.
why?
because, believe it or not, i love watching the wings, now. yeah, weird. peculiar. a bit mentally off. whatever you say. not budging me one bit.
i love the wings. i especially love watching them during take-offs and landings. Landings, mostly. you probably do not notice this, but right before landing, two noisy sounds can be heard from the airplane. one is the time when the tires start to come out from under the belly of the plane and the other is the one when the wings widened. i seriously don't know the technical significant of this mechanism, i sure as heck don't know the technical term of it, but i love watching the flaps (let's call them the flaps, shall we?) of the wings as they go up when the plane lands because the air rushes at them from down under. i know people who fear landings and take-offs, but i love them. because of this. and the feeling you get when the plane lands smoothly on the airway. the relief and happiness that you made it safe back on the ground. i find myself always smiling when landing.
and in a more poetic note, flying symbolizes something else to me too. in a way it defines life. and the journey you took in your life. the part when you 'take -off' in life, going somewhere, sometimes not even knowing what you're going to face. and yeah, when you're on air, do you know what else you're going to face besides clouds? nope. there might be a sight of the most beautiful rainbow you've ever seen, there might be peculiar shapes of the clouds that remind you of something, there might be a spectrum of color you've never seen before shining through to you. but, there might also be turbulences, there might also be sudden storm or thunder or peltering rains, there might also be a strong shake that makes you grasp the side of your seat tighter. there might be a lot of things. in life, also, there might be a lot of things you're gonna face. unexpected things, most of the time. there might be good, there might be bad. and you go on flying through it all. because you have to. there's no other way. that is the only way you'll learn. the only way to reach your destination. your goal. your landing spot. and when you do land, when those flaps go up and those tires touch the road, you smile. because even in life, when you succeed in all those things you face (happily dubbed with flying colours), either it be turbulences or rainbow, you feel relieved, happy, stress-free. and you'll smile. you will smile like i do everytime i land and watch those flaps go up. the feeling is mutual, i tell you.
that, my friend, is my thoughts on flying. :)

Linkin Park

just as i promised, see?
hehehe...
so, what is the history behind Linkin Park? no, i'm not going to tell you when or where or how they were born, seriously no (rolling eyes), but, i'll tell you how i got hooked with them.
to be perfectly honest, i din't grow up with them in my teen years. when a few of my matrix friends were quoting and rapping In The End, i laughed and shook my head at them, finding the absurdity of the situation where two teenage girls were so hooked up to some band babbling about an ending.
it took me a year after that to realize that they are not just some band.
it was my first year in uni. my first semester as a pharmacy student. i enrollled a month later than the rest of my classmates, i was a tesl student before that. i guess the late situation stressed me out. i was afraid of being left too far behind in study, and mind you, it's a pharmacy course. Pharmacy. tough one, seriously. and i mean, seriously.
so, i had this roommate. i couldn't remember her real name now (people's names always elude me, but i remember familiar faces. i guess i'm more of 'a face person' than 'a name person', if you know what i mean). she asked her friends to call her Sookie, after that cute, chubby character in Gilmore Girls, and she was the one, i mean Sookie my roommate, not Sookie from the Gilmore Girls, who introduced me, formally, to Linkin Park.
no, i didn't literally shake hands with Shinoda or Chester, are you crazy?!
okay, sorry about that.
Sookie took IT course. she was a cool and relaxed person, always finding something to laugh about and a hopeless romantic who fell for Shane West in A Walk to Remember. strangely enough, she also fell for Linkin Park. and dragged me along with her. heh.
i guess she grew tired of me groaning every time i study, that she handed me Hybrid Theory cassette one fine morning. to shut me up, or to calm me down, i seriously don't know which one was her true intention. i think that was how i remembered the first time i truly listened to Linkin Park. i couldn't remember any other method of introduction. and as i listened to the band screaming and tearing my eardrums apart, with Sookie grinning knowingly at her side of the room, i fell in love. muahahaha! what a way to say it, but i just did. a bit too late since the band was already established and famous through out all the world, but there i was, grinning from one ear to the other along with her.
and yeah, i did babble along with Mike and Chester for In The End after that, got problem with it, huh?
soon after that i found myself borrowing Hybrid Theory and Meteora from Sookie more time than i could count and then finding my own way, i bought those two albums and another one too, The Reanimation. which quickly became my favorite one. it's an electronically re-mastered, remix of Hybrid Theory, actually, but there was one particular song, Wth> You, which got me hooked on that album. it's romantic. heh, not a way you would describe Linkin Park, i'd say, but that song is just that. here's a snippet of its lyric:
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You now I see keeping everything inside
With you
You now I see even when I close my eyes
With you
You now I see keeping everything inside
With you
You now I see even when I close my eyes..
this is basically the same lyric as the original version. sweet, huh? and here is a snippet of the added version for the remix version, even more romantic... :) (please, don't laugh):
It ain't like me to beg on my knees
Oh, please oh baby please
That's not how i'm doing things
No.
No i'm not upset, no i'm not angry
I know love is love, love
but sometimes it pains me
No.
I'm never without you,
i'll always be with you
You'll never forget me, i'm keeping you with me...
there. listening to that, i always imagine Shinoda kneeling and pleading and that never fails to bring a smile to my face. heh.
after Meteora, they went on tour, produced tour albums, did collaboration works with Jay-Z, and Shinoda went on rapping with Styles of Beyond and produced Rising Tied under the name Fort Minor, which also was a hit. i bet you've heard of Where'd You Go and Believe Me. but the song in that album which held quite a memory for me was The Hard Way. nice one. you can't put together rapping and melancholy music in the same sentence until you heard that song. and all this while Linkin Park went on a hiatus. for four years since their last official albums.
and then, like the spectacular band that they are, they came out with Minutes to Midnight in 2007. my final year at uni. tough final year. Thank God for these guys who finally came out of their cave, heh! i bought the cd and dvd of the band doing their work to produce that particular album. they had to go to a secluded house and drilled themselves for the work. it was hillarious watching them went through the process, heh. out of more than a hundred songs written by everyone in the band, not just Shinoda and Chester, but Rob, Brad, Phoenix and also Mr Hahn contributing, twelve songs were finally agreed upon to be produced and What I've Done became the first single and was such a hit, it was also in the Transformer's first soundtrax. and became my permanent wake-up call too. literally and figuratively. literally because it is and still is the song of my alarm clock (ngehngehngeh), and figuratively because it's the song of regrets and moving ons. something i'm too, very much familiar with.
but the song that touches me deeply from that particular album is Leave Out All The Rest. i'm sure you've heard it. final single, i think, from that album. and also included in Twilight's soundtrax. not such a fan of that particular saga, so i'm not going to elaborate on that boring movie, heh! anyway, LOATR is also a song about moving on. about leaving something good behind. good memories. good deeds. so, yeah, we have our bad moments, we have our bad judgement, we have our bad mistakes. but leaving all those out and just taking or remembering the good ones is not such an easy task to do, ey? that's what the song tells us to try to do, actually. nice, huh?
this album, Minutes to Midnight, to veteran fans of Linkin Park might not really be what they expected. they expected it to be like Hybrid Theory and Meteora, headbanging and screaming and tearing your heart apart. this one is quite the opposite. not so much headbanging, not so much screaming. but the lyrics can tell you the reason why. they've matured up. after four years, they became adults who see things differently. they scolded the ironic situation where people can pray and still get into a war and bomb a mosque (Hands Held High). they became sensitive people who were touched by a catastrophe like the hurricane Katrina and wrote a song about it (The Little Things Give You Away). in a way, i could relate to that. because i've matured up too. and that's why i love the band so much. even they admitted in the album that they aimed to come out of their comfort zone, something i could relate to, too, and they succeeded with this one.
i might not grow up with them in my teen years, but they grow up along with me now.
and this year, in September, out came A Thousand Suns. again, people have numerous comments about this one. i read them in their official website, http://www.linkinpark.com/. more than one person is dissatisfied, saying they want more along the line of the first album. a reply i liked about that complain came from another fan who said that as a fan, we should appreciate the band, not just one particular album. we're a fan of the band, not just an album. if we said we only like one particular album, we're not really a fan of that band, just of that particular tracks of songs. i agree with that. if you truly like a band, a true fan, you'll appreciate everything they have to offer. any changes. any new improvements. and Linkin Park improves, a lot. to my best knowledge. and so, i'm still a die-hard fan of them. :)
speaking about A Thousand Suns, it really is something different. the first time i heard it, i have to admit, i was not very much impressed. but i expected that. after Minutes to Midnight, they got quite a lot of work to measure up. but after a replay, i already got the song i put on repeat one. heh. Waiting for The End, their second single is terrific. the lyrics is something i could really relate to these days, talking about moving on (again), and how desperate it is to just want something different from what we have now. i am in that situation now, so that song struck a strong chore in my heart.
the rest of the tracks is not bad, either. i even found my 'feel good song' from this album, When They Come For Me. its music is a happy tune and the lyric is, ehem, funny, that i always smile listening to it. each song has its own uniqueness, its own trademark sound, although i do wish for more complete songs rather than talks and instrumentals. but then, i enjoy the album all the same, still.
they've matured up. we could see that in their lyrics, hear that in their music.
the reason that i like them so much is that they ackowledge the presence of God. you can hear that in The Catalyst, their first single from A Thousand Suns. they ackowledge that people sin. and they ackowledge that only God can help us. can forgive us. they might not believe what we believe, but it's much better than songs saying making a wish to a star or an airplane, for that matter, because this kind of lyrics is dangerous. it might deviate us from what we should believe in without us realising it. we should only wish to Allah, pray to Him, what do we need an airplane to change into a star for, right? the music might sound nice, ear-catching, but i prefer to listen to what they're saying, what the lyric is all about, the story behind a song. i prefer to be careful that way.
so far, Linkin Park's lyrics are okay. scratch the cursing parts, most of what they're trying to say is that the world is coming to its end. something we all are aware of, but not that prepared for. they are trying to help us realize that better. not many people would take it that way, but i do. in some twisted, poetic way of mine, i'd say that Linkin Park and i have the same opinion about the world these days. how we keep on doing the wrong things and do not realize that all those catastrophe happening are God's signs that what we're doing are wrong. it's a difficult lesson, trying to fathom that.
now, what more can you ask from a band that you love, to prove to you?

Good bye September...

okay, i planned to post this yesterday. but knowing me these days, i'm not so much of a writer. much less a blogger. which would answer your unspoken question on why i have been missing these past days... eheh...
so, SePtEmBeR... tell you a secret, i have always loved september. i dunno why, or maybe i do.. it's because i celebrate my birthday every 1st of september, and almost always, through out the month, i'll be very happy, claiming it MY month. heh... a bit crazy, if you ask me, but what the heck?
but then, this year's September proved to be much more challenging a month than the rest of its predecessor.
it started off with the end of Ramadhan and i looked forward to the house swarming with my siblings and nephews and nieces on raya. a tad bit late since the house was only full on the fourth day of raya but still it was a happy raya. one of the happiest, i would say, and we also took family picture this year, with everyone in it, yeay! (which is not yet done, though, duh! :( ) anyway, that was the good part of it. the good part of september this year.
the not-so-good part of it was just lurking around the corner...
so, i have to take over some extra work from my colleague who was going for her maternity leave. she safely gave birth to a baby boy on 3rd of september, friday, the date of my last post. even that one particular post was a trial for me. that shocking news... and happened in september too... :(
moving on. the work. i must admit, i didn't look forward to it. this colleague of mine is in charge of the buying and supplying of medicines and medical supplies, something i sure as heck not familiar with. challenging. very. i have to learn something completely new and alien to me. but, i like the learning part. because i always like to learn something new. the responsibility that comes with it, the answers i need to have prepared for the big boss to ask me questions, and the reports i need to do are the things which pretty much scared me after raya. heh... so far, i took it in a stride. almost well, staggered a little here and there, but pretty much it was a smooth ride, Alhamdulillah.
which brings us to the next not-so-good thing. my boss is transferred away!!!!!!! uuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!! uurgghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sooooooooo saaaaaaaaad!!!!!!!!!!!
okay, enough howling.
that howl is not supposed to be on sarcastic note, mind you. i'm genuinely sad my boss is moving away, i barely slept for weeks. and when i did sleep, i dreamed of the transfer. pathetic. yeah. i couldn't help it. my boss is practically one of the nicest, coolest, calmest person i ever met, and believe me i haven't met that many people like her. and i ask you, how many woman do you know can be a nice, cool and calm boss? heh, yeah, you get me there. even i am not such a nice, cool and calm person, and i'm not even a boss yet, hah!
the transfer is kinda sudden, quite a blow, i would say. it's a good thing for her, because she gets to work closer to home. not such a good thing for us here i would say, stuck with uncertainty about the one replacing her. lets just say, the first week was like a quiet storm brewing in, waiting impatiently to swarm us all in its swirling thunder, rain and lightning. heh. i guess we've been living too long under the sunshine, we were pretty much caught off guard when the storm decided to crash in. don't understand the metaphors? heh, good. i don't intend to elaborate, anyway.
it's changing season. and it happens in september. my favorite month of every year. it's pretty much a lot of things to take in, all at once, i'm not all that sure i can do that. i guess it's time for me to get the heck out of that comfort zone, ey? be vulnerable again? be cautious again? not such a good idea to look forward to... :(
but then, people don't say life's a cycle for no good, concrete reason, right? it is a cycle, and you can't be stuck at the top all life long. you'll go down, once in a while, and only when you're down, you'll struggle harder to make it back to the top, right? oh, yeah, again with the metaphors. sorry. what i mean is, life or destiny or fate or more correctly, God has to push you down, once in a while, force you out of that comfort zone, blanket you with darkness and block out the light once in a while, so that you can reevaluate your life. your value. your purpose. right? you'll put on effort you haven't tried before. you work harder, you work longer, you think faster, you become smarter, just to get yourself back on top. and then you find reason behind God's beautiful creation of day and night. the creation to lead us to think that not all things go on as they are. they take turn. day and night. rain and dry. top and bottom. sunshine and storm. all under His will. to make us think. us, who are blessed with the beautiful creation we call akal. beautiful, isn't it?
so, i'd say, september this year brings me a lot of new things to ponder. september this year leads me to reevaluate myself. find my value. find my purpose. find Him. :)
it's still a sad goodbye. september will always be my favourite month of every year, though this year's proved to be much more challenging, it broadens my perspective too. it teaches me to take good and bad things in a stride, believing with all my heart that He will help me all along. and when you believe that, what else matters? right? yeah... :)

p/s: by the way, Linkin Park's new album came out on 14th of september, so that's another good thing about this year's september, heh. am listening to it right now, in fact. i'll tell you all about it in the next post, okay... :P

To the one who passed away...

He was on number 2 in my entry I posted a few months ago.
He was Mr. I.
He was the one I stalked for three years, starting when I was in form three, going on until form five. Never wavered direction.
He was the one who made me smile by just having caught a glimpse of him in that red van on our way back from school.
He was the one who made me smile throughout the day by just having caught a glimpse of him anytime during school.
He was the one I dedicated a few girly poems to.
He was, basically, my first taste I had at having a crush on somebody.
He was, really, my first taste I had at having my heart broken (or so, I thought) when he ignored me. But, I realize now, he just didn’t want to give me false hope.
He’s gone now, though. My best friend just broke the news to me this morning. Accident. He’s been in coma for almost two weeks, she told me, and today, finally, he slipped away. On the blessed day of Friday. During the blessed month of Ramadhan. May Allah bless his soul.
Hearing this news, it was shocking, but somehow, the first thing that came to mind at that time this morning was that I’m glad I parted in good term with him.
You see, he ignored me back at school, but when I was in my first year in college, he suddenly contacted me. The usual exchange of greetings, him asking me how I was doing, but then I remembered his last message to me. He told me to be in touch with him, whenever I needed a good friend to talk to and at that time I felt he was sincere. I knew I found a good friend in him. I didn’t contact him since then, because I moved on, but that was one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. And I remember that again, today. With tears in my eyes.
It was shocking, him being gone. I could only imagine how his wife and family are feeling right now. He was a good man. They are lucky they got to know him more than I had. I only wish I could tell them that.
And today also, I found this hadith:
Abu Hurraira reported that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, "Remember frequently the thing that cuts off pleasures," i.e. death." [Tirmidhi].
We remember those who passed away and we should also remember our time will come too, one day. Cherish every day you have as long as you’re breathing and find ways to do good, to gain His blessings. And pray that He will forgive us and those whom we love.
Ya Allah, bless our friend’s soul, please forgive his sins and rest him in peace with those whom You love. Ameen.

Happy Birthday to... me... :)

well, it's 1st september. i'm 26 today. or technically i'll be in another 10 minutes. at 8.13pm. just after maghrib and before isyak, like my mother used to say. kinda easy to remember, since it's the day after Malaysia's Independence Day. heh. my mom used to tell me that she did go to the clinic on the merdeka day, hoping I would be a merdeka baby, but i refused to come out that day 26 years ago and chose to come out the next day, 1st september, instead. hehe. even then, i was already showing my stubbornness. before i was even born! talk about capital D for Degil, hehe. anyway, i was born on a saturday, but i forgot where i put the date of my birthday on Hijrah calendar. i have it somewhere, i really do... somewhere...
anyway, I'm 26 today.
26. bye bye 25, hello 26. kinda creepily, freakingly, scarily close to 30, don't you think? but then, to quote my brother's wish for my birthday today, 'it's just a number, sis!'. yeah, okay, i feel so much better. (*rolling eyes*).
so, the thought that keeps nagging at the back of my mind about today is that i want to move on. there is going to be a lot of changes around me this coming days; change of head of department at work (erk! cuak!), change of responsibilities (me taking over a colleague's work at another department since she's taking maternity leave, erk! tak nak!), change of my perspective on life (er... tu... that needs a whole new entry to elaborate), change of my aim in life (another entry, obviously... *rolling eyes again*), change of er... me? yeah, i'm changing. hopefully for the better. and hence, the moving on part.
because suddenly i feel restless. i feel like that flightless bird again. you know, you remember my old entry about that song from twilight soundtrack? yeah, yeah, another entry... never mind that.
anyway, i want to move on. seriously. i don't think i can handle a whole bunch of changes, all at the same time, coming right at me from every direction, which leaves me no way to dodge or duck or whatever. i want to run away. hah. escape. i want to escape from this seemingly suffocating environment. from here to somewhere out there. where? God knows where. i don't. not yet, anyway.
i'm getting tired of routines, again. so, yeah, i'll be having new types of work to do, but then, maybe, i'm getting tired of the environment too. i've been visiting places, and i like doing that. i've seen what's out there and i'd like to explore more. it has become my addiction, not just for the sake of travelling and taking photographs at other people's places, but most part of it is because of what i learnt from these places. what i felt when i was there. it's a mixed of awe, gratitude, admiration, and pure happiness. it's a feeling you don't get so easily.
i want to move on from what i'm doing now. i'm exhausted. i'm getting tired of it. i want to do something different. totally different. something fresh, new, exciting, creative and doesn't require my 8am to 5pm commitment everyday. every week day, i mean. still, it's tiring. i think i'm not fit for an office job. duh!
i want to move on from past life. forget the memories. the good and the bad ones. hah. yeah. you're asking me the big question, WHY? again, because i'm getting tired of remembering them and knowing i'm the only one who does. the rest of us have moved on. have new life. better ones too. and it hurts knowing that i'm stuck here with old memories keep replaying and replaying and replaying in my head. it's like i'm the old recording video tape stuck in a vcr, while the rest of you move on to blue-ray dvds. okay, not getting what i'm trying to say? just ignore it. or just picture this. i'm walking in circles (chester bennington and the cover album for the dead by sunrise is flashing in my mind right now) going round and round and round, making a perfect circle while the rest of you go crazy with all the shapes in various sizes available on this planet. still not getting what i'm trying to say? uk-uh, sorry, but, you're kinda slow... okay, ripping off all the metaphors, i'm sick of having no direction to go from here. i want to go somewhere. get out of the circle. get out of the vcr. okay, sorry, here i go with the metaphors again. moving on...
i want to move on from my head. no, i'm not cutting it off (gila ke hapa?!) all those metaphors create havoc with your imagination, ey? heh. what i mean is i want to move on from these useless, empty thoughts in my head. i want to move on from empty dreams. i'm sick and tired of it. i want to move on, create new dreams, real dreams, dreams that are achievable. dreams that will mean something. dreams that are worth dreaming, because it can come true. not easy to do, when 'berangan' is like breathing to me. it's there with me every second of every day. it's like i can't live if i don't berangan, duh!
seriously. you didn't see this coming when reading that pretty much innocent title of this entry, did you? sorry.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. maybe i'm maturing up and realising that there is a lot more out there to be discovered and i want to do that. maybe i'm just feeling restless again and need desperately to just get out, to become flighty bird, not flightless one. maybe i'm just fed-up with myself, for the lack of ideas when they used to be so many before. maybe because i'm turning 26 and that number, despite what my brother said, scared me to death. i'm turning 26, today, exactly today, and i'm still here. not going anywhere. here.
all in all, reading all this back, i scold myself. i mean, come on. i should be grateful i'm still alive, shouldn't i? i should be grateful i'm still living and breathing and even, please God, don't make me do this anymore, 'berangan'ing... whoa, new vocab for you there... seriously, i'm luckier than some people will ever be... i'm lucky i can still celebrate my birthday today, here, berating you with all these nonsenses of moving on.
well, i'm moving on from that. :)
i'm not deleting all those words i've written. somehow, it helps to know that now you know how imperfect i am. i can be angry at things, at people, at circumstances, and suddenly after a while, with God's help, i realize how stupid it is to be angry. how ungrateful. and i never want to be that. ever. honest.
so, now, i'm taking it positively. one step at a time, though.
Alhamdulillah, it's 1st september today.
Alhamdulillah, i'm turning 26 today.
Alhamdulillah, i'm still here, breathing calmly, with my blocked nose slowly recovering (i caught the flu last two days, but i'm much better now. :))
Alhamdulillah, i can still write in here, telling you honestly about what i feel, what i think, what i want. although jumbled up with emotion, but then that's how the message needs to get across, right? with a little dose of feeling. :)
Alhamdulillah, i'm moving on from my anger and hopefully will be moving on from more negative thoughts, negative feelings towards positivity, Allah willing.
all in all, i'm celebrating my birthday by moving on. towards something better. whatever it is. He knows. He'll help. insya Allah. pray for me, will you? it's the best present anyone could ever get for their birthday, a sincere prayer. thank you. :)

not in a good mood...

when i was not in a good mood, i used to:
1. listen to songs BLASTING in both my ears with the highest volume my walkman could provide, shutting up the outer world completely. choices of songs varied, mostly the most depressing, dark and gothic types i could get my hands on, ranging from linkin park, nirvana to evanescence.
2. slam the door, HARD. and i didn't give a damn whose face was disfigured in the process.
3. slam things. anything. be it books, handphone, cds, cd player, whatever. anything i could get my hands on. and i didn't give a damn if it broke, either.
4. curse. BADLY. shit was the constant profanity, hell was the second mostly said. sometimes it went bad enough to f%^k. and my trademark curse to a person (my best friends knew this) was 'tengkorak hidup kau berjambul!' hah!
5. speed. be it power-jogging or speed-driving. i guess the adrenaline rush kept my head straight and my mood thus improved.
6. look at people blankly. be it a person closest to me. i could make the coldest expression on my face and tuned out whatever the person was saying completely.
7. sleep. with the said depressing, dark and gothic songs blasting in my ears. and sometimes with angry tears on my cheeks.
8. talk to my teddy. poured my heart out to it. because for the sole reason that it could not exactly respond. because i was afraid if i unleashed it all out on people, they wouldn't give me the feedback i wanted. and i would be dissappointed. and thus my mood would not improve.
9. cry in the bathroom or toilet. i would feel very much better afterwards.
10. sing out loud to whatever chester was screaming about. and laugh at myself for being THAT silly.
11. daydream. went into my fantasy world, my sole escape once upon a time. but, when i woke up from it, i did not feel any better. because i knew right then and there that it was just a dream, and thus wouldn't happen and i only ended up getting angrier with myself.
12. write in my private journals. or write a few depressing poems or lyrics. felt a bit better reading it all back there soon after that. relieved, maybe. but, after a while, when i read it all back later, it only made me feel sorry for myself. and that didn't improve anything.

now, when i'm not in a good mood, i:
1. fall silent. keep quiet. so quiet that people around me will worry.
2. recite the tafsir. definitely the best balm for the sore heart, i would say. surah like al-Insyirah (Alam Nasyrah), ad-Dhuha, ar-Rahman, al-Mulk, al-Waaqiah really can make you feel grateful and small. small in this world that He created. and cry a good tear or two or more. but, when i'm feeling bad and i can not do this (because of my monthly cycle) i will feel even worse with myself. i will miss the verses. :( have to teach myself to multiply zikr, i guess.
3. try reading. don't get me wrong, reading has always been my passion, but not when i was in a bad mood. i try to do it now when i'm not feeling so good with myself. depends on what books i read, it actually helps. i feel much better after that.
4. listen to good islamic music. nasheed, mostly. lagu-lagu ketuhanan. soothe my ears and my mind and my heart. make me cry a good tear or two or more too.
5. smile. suspiciously a fake one. but, somehow, when the lips stretch along my face to form that particular expression, i will automatically feel a bit better inside. it just does. to me, anyway. so fake or not, i'll do it.
6. sleep. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and still with the songs blaring in my ears. but maybe, not the depressing, dark and gothic ones anymore. but sometimes, still with the tears running down my cheeks.
7. write. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i try to write inspirational poems, lyrics, stories, though, no more depressing ones.
8. talk to my teddy. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i know it cannot respond, but somehow seeing that cute face just make it better, whatever it is.
9. sing out loud to whatever it is on radio or in the cd player. especially when i'm in the car. and laughingly shaking my head at the silliness of it. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above.
10. cry in the bathroom or toilet. notice painfully that i HAVE mentioned this above. i just can't help it.
11. daydream. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and i hate myself for it. i really want to stop this, but i just can't help where my mind wander to sometimes or most of the time. my mind has a mind of its own, without me controlling it. hah. is that possible? or is it just plain crazy and ridiculous? heh...
anyway, PLEASE NOTE how many time i quote 'notice that i HAVE mentioned this above'. because most of the methods do not differ much from when i used to be and where i am right now. i still cry, i still talk to my teddy, i still daydream, i still try to break a hole in my eardrums with the highest volume of anything i feel like listening, however i hate doing those and however i try to get rid of them. however i try to just depend on the holy verses, these habits won't go away. they just FRUSTRATINGLY won't. hm...
well, there's a saying anyway, right?
old habits die hard, eh?
you know what? i think whoever that came with that saying, 'old habits die hard' should be given a nobel laureate or a nobel prize, whatever, because that is quite a SAYING. if you know what i mean.

my problem is.... oh no.. my problemS ARE...

my problems are:
1. i don't know how to tell people my problem.
2. i don't give a damn about how i look.
3. i don't give a damn about what other people think or feel about me (until recently).
4. i get easily bored, be it with people, things, the net, monotonous empty conversations (with only a few exceptions, the things and people i doubt i'll ever be bored with: good insightful lyric and beautiful music, my family, my best friends, linkin park and good novels).
5. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i miss them.
6. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i love them.
7. i don't know how to show or tell my family i love them.
8. i don't know how to show or tell anything at all.
9. i am suddenly at the dead end of a journey and i don't know where i'm heading next.
10. it's been a while since ideas flown in every morning and every night.
11. it's been a while since i can smile sincerely from my heart.
12. it's been a while since i stop cursing and i feel like doing it again.
13. it's been a while since i look forward to something and now there's nothing worth looking for.
14. it's been a while since i last wrote in here, hah!
15. i hate the shower at home with it's teeny, tiny, trickle of water. what's the use of having three bathrooms when u can only use one at one given time?
16. i hate not being able to speak up.
17. i hate feeling angry inside and can only unleash it out with tears.
18. i hate the cramping pain in my gut whenever my monthly flux is due and when i'm too sad i can't even sob. and then, the cramps worsen.
19. i hate the fact that i can't say what i really feel. i can only think it.
20. i hate the fact that i'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now and the only thing i can show is a fake smile.
21. i hate bad thoughts i'm having in my mind right now.
22. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in men.
23. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in marriage institution.
24. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in love.
25. i hate being scared.
26. i'm scared of today's world with its abuse cases, throwing babies around, frolicking around, endless war, bad politics. you name it.
27. i'm scared of men.
28. i'm scared of love and lost.
29. i'm scared of not being able to set everything right.
30. i'm scared of this burden suddenly feels so heavy on my shoulders, even though i shouldn't have to carry it alone.
31. i'm scared of time. of it ticking away and i'm still here, doing practically nothing. unmoving.
32. i'm scared of you reading this and frowning your forehead and thinking what-the-heck-is-this-girl-trying-to-say and logging off.
33. i'm scared of relapse. me relapsing into who i used to be. tak nak dah, please, ya Tuhan.
34. i'm scared of you knowing all this about me and doubting me, thinking gile-ke-hapa-budak-ni?
35. i'm scared of me. of me writing this all out. of me risking hatred from you. of me telling you these problems that keep bothering my mind when i've said at number 1 that i don't know how to tell people my problems.
36. actually, i'm not telling my problems at all, am i? i haven't yet contradicted number 1 since i don't tell you in details yet what this is all about. because i don't even know what this is all about.
37. my problem number 37: i think i'm going crazy.
38. i think my hormones are going grazy.
39. i think this is a crazy entry. i could always delete it. forget it. babai it. be gone with it! (that was a line from natalie portman in the other boleyn girl) but then, here comes problem number 40: I DON'T WANT TO.
the end
p/s not the end of the problems. since life has never been without problems. it's just the end of this entry.
the end

things that remind me of YOU...

1. YOU
~ scars on my knees. :)
~ my over-teasing brother
~ your name
2. YOU
~ awkward smiles
~ SMKSS
~ the subject lukisan kejuruteraan
~ torn pictures. :)
3. YOU
~ baju kurung
~ the subject math
~ tuition class
4. YOU
~ ten cent coin and any mention of it in terengganu dialect. :)
~ long fingers
~ prank calls
~ matrix
5. YOU
~ your famous mother. heh.
6. YOU
~ the color red
~ konvo robe
~ Hospital Selayang cafeteria
7. YOU
~ avril lavigne's keep holding on. because it's the song u successfully downloaded for me. thanx! :)
~ the word 'thank you'. you know why. heh.
~ KLIA
~ the word 'mek comey'. :P
~ HTAR library
~ HTAR psychiatric ward
8. YOU
~ TDM, always! ;)
~ TPN
~ extended hours
~ ICU
~ the sixth floor corridor at HSNZ, the one facing the ocean. because i'll always remember how we walked through it so late in the evening to distribute the results to the wards, looking in awe at the lovely view of the beach. :)
~ honda city, the nicer-butt version, not the latest one. :)
~ ACC
~ the number 5
~ the word 'sweet'
~ the word 'poyo', because well, the first ever time i used that particular word was to you. :)
~ bright smiles
9. YOU
~ paradise deluxe
~ secret smiles
~ birthday wishes
10. YOU
~ a proposal
~ that huge hello kitty at my brother's house. here's the thing. i have a bad memory of hello kitty, since secondary school, i hate it, that's why i can't keep that particular one, heh. i told you i didn't want it but you were so stubborn. oh, okay, sorry!
~ purple-colored kancil
~ UiTM
~ my three best friends. you know who they are. :)
~ nephro patients
~ the word 'stalker' and how i regretted it. :(
~ the word 'sorry' and how i wish i could say it to you face to face and meaning it with all my heart.
11. YOU
hm, you're a new addition. though, i don't really know where we can go. but here's the things that will remind me of you:
~ hotels
~ subuh time. :)
12. YOU
i don't know why i hadn't added you before, in that entry. maybe because you don't know me and i don't know you. but, somehow, you're the inspiration for one of the characters in my stories, so i just realized you made quite an impression on me. by just taking quite a number of pictures of me when you worked as the photographer at my brother's nikah ceremony a long, long time ago. so, here goes. things that remind me of you:
~ photographers. especially during weddings. :)
~ a black cap. man, i love guys who wear cap (s)... :p
~ danny.
that's it, then. hm... what triggers this, you ask me? well... maybe i just miss the memories. and the memories will remain with me always, if God wills it, because of these things... :)

common sense & common courtesy to women...

so, i've talked about common sense & common courtesy to elderly in my previous entry. here's another part where these two important things are lacking. common sense and common courtesy to women. well, to be perfectly honest, this entry might be a little bit biased, since i'm a woman. but i'll do my best to see it in both views, okay? as a man and a woman...
so, here goes...
i can't help but admire the way western men treat women (and i mean the good way, not the way when they let the women prostitute themselves).
especially those in classic victorian time. how they rise up when a woman enters a room, how they let the ladies walk in front of them, how they open doors for them, how they carry the woman's load, however small and light. this might be, i guess, because the queen victoria's husband, the prince consort em-what's-his-name-i-forgot was really a man with meticulous attention to courtesy towards women. that was then. now, western men still adopt those courteous behavior towards women. maybe not to the extent of rising up when women enter, but the rest still maintain. good for them.
which brings me to malay men. i bet you hardly see malay men who let ladies walk first, open doors for them, help to carry women's load. there are a few, i've seen, i've known them. my brothers, Alhamdulillah, my colleagues at work, a few of my friends. but that i could count with my fingers, hands and toes. definitely not majority. still minority. why?
the way we are breed, i guess. we're not taught to respect women when we were little. we are taught to be afraid of them when they became angry, we are taught to be irritated at them when they babbled. and thus we lost respect towards them. and i'm saying this in general, as a woman and as a man.
i'm not saying women are so weak, men have to do everything for them, no. that is a hard no. a shake-my-head-a-hundred-times no. NO. huge NO. because women are equal to men. i was reading the e-book by harun yahya, maryam:an exemplary muslim woman, and it got me hanging for a while. it said in the book that muslim women should have more strength than those of unbelievers, since they have Allah as their sole helper. true. muslim women should not be bothered with problems, emotional or physical, since every problem has its solution. true again. meanwhile the unbeliever women have been drilled into their mindset that they are weak and they need men in their lives to help them get through problems, emotional and physical, so unlike how a muslim women should be and should be taught. maybe that's where the courtesy comes from. maybe that's why western men treat their women that way. helping them in everything. because they are set to think that women are weaker than men. that got me stopped for a while, and wondered. because i don't want to be a weak woman. i want to be the best muslimah i can be, Allah willing, and thus, i can't be bothered about courtesy? that question keep flashing in my mind...
yeah... i shouldn't be bothered, really. we, muslim women should be independent, should be strong, as strong as men, if can be. even stronger, actually. i mean, God creates women to carry babies, not men. that should give you some ideas on how strong we, women can be. that's the ideal idea. that's how we should try to be. but, courtesy for me, as i broaden my view, is not to show that women are weak. it is to show that you respect them. that's all.
we can do all those by ourselves, seriously, we can. we can walk behind you, no problem, we can open door with our own two hands, thank you very much, we can carry loads, heavy or light, we are known for carrying a dozen shopping bags during retail therapy, for God's sake, so we really don't need you, men, to do all those things. it is only c.o.m.m.o.n c.o.u.r.t.e.s.y for you to help us, to show that you RESPECT and CARE for us. that's it.
it's not such a big deal when it's lacking, still, it's just sad. sad that you out there learn a lot deal how to touch a lady's hand who is not yet your wife, how to kiss your girlfriends, hug them, going all over the boundaries, dah tak kisah halal haram, all that you learn from the western lifestyle, but you neglect to study the way they treat their women, their mothers, their sisters, how they RESPECT them. you kiss your girlfriend, you shout at your mother. what the h#@!? you take the wrong lessons pretty well, you overlook the right ones. that is very, very, very sad. that's the sad phenomenon occurring these days. that's the lacking of common courtesy that i feel so sorry about. seriously.
okay, common sense to women... hm.. what do i have to say about this? the stigma or common thought related to women is that women are weak. i think i got that covered up there. we are not weak. end of story.
common sense. let's talk in general, shall we? i have a story in my mind. a complaint from a colleague, in fact. she was upset when someone at work compared her to her sister when she showed him a picture of the said sister. the comparing of looks might be a bit superficial, to me anyway, but you have to admit, no one likes to be compared. men and women alike. right? be it how you look, what you've achieved, your grades and the list goes on. i know i hate to be compared. many of you do too. so her complaint is justified. i mean, come on... it's common sense that there are people who are better and worse than we are. we're good at something doesn't mean we are good at everything. some people might say you're pretty, some might say, you're just so-so. but do you really have to say that out loud, to that person? where is your common sense? sense here is a big word. can be defined into so many things. but one i want to light up here is this: sensitivity. there.
sensitivity. derived from the word: sensitive. God creates us to be sensitive. men and women, the same. only differs on how deep it goes. women more than men, i guess. but it depends, really. men can be more sensitive than women. if they spend enough time to observe people around them, and stop staring meaningfully at beautiful ladies only. observe people, observe the world around you, observe life. and that one destination you're heading to. you'll be more sensitive to other people's feeling, their thoughts, their aim in life. and you won't feel the need to compare among yourselves. because at the end, you're still heading towards the same destination. you still aim for the one thing. to gain His blessings. some might be closer to Him, some might just realize they need to be closer to Him.
if only we stop comparing, we'll be at peace, going to that direction. if only we stop comparing, there won't be anymore jealousy, believe me, because there is no competition.
life is not a competition. life is a lesson. a test. a transit. a temporary stop before the hereafter. if we can only remember that, maybe we'll treat each other better. maybe we don't even need to discuss a topic on common sense & common courtesy towards anyone on radio or here or anywhere. because everyone will try to make each other's life easier. because everyone is equal over there. everyone is equal in the afterlife, paying for what he/she has done in life. answering for every single, tiny thing to Him. if only we can remember that.

common sense & common courtesy to elderly

another interesting topic i got from morning crew hitz.fm, heh.
this topic came about to them when they got this caller, a 60+ lady who called up and complained about how she took a public transport in kl n youngsters these days didn't have the courtesy enough to offer her a seat. which, by the way, i myself have observed quite for sometime.
for me, this is both common sense and common courtesy. it is common sense that 60+ people, men and women are weaker people. some might even have illness we can't see and less strength than their respective peers. and it is common courtesy to offer them some service, be it to open the door for them, allow them to walk past, escort them crossing the road and offer them a seat in a jammed, packed train, especially the long trip ones.
but yeah, not many people do that these days, huh? not many people, be it youngsters or even adults actually rise up from their seats and smile to an elderly and offer her/him the seat. not many people actually care about an elderly slowly walking across the road, with cars and motorcycles zooming by. not many people hold the door for an elderly, much less to let her/him walk past. except if the elderly happens to be a relative. then, u'll see the most gentleman, caring people.
which brings me to this. is it so hard to imagine that the elderly needing ur service could be a relative? is it so hard to just picture this for a second: ur mother or father or grandpa or grandma is somewhere out there, crossing the road, standing in a fast-moving train, heading towards a heavy wood door, and suddenly, out of nowhere comes this gentleman/lady who smiles at her/him/him/her and offers to help her/him/him/her. there. u'll feel happy, won't u? u'll feel relieved that someone out there is helping ur loved ones when u couldn't be there by their sides, won't u? won't u be happier knowing that the gentleman/lady could really, actually, be YOU?
hm... brings new perspective to things, huh? all u need to do is spend less than a second to think about that, and the next thing you know, you're rushing over, standing up and pushing open a door for an elderly, even when you don't know her/him. and the relief you'll feel will surpass even your tiredness of the day, you'll feel good about yourself and when or if the elderly smiles, you'll feel like the world smiles at you. because in a way, it does. there's a reward for everything we do in our lives, even the smallest, tiniest bit of service. remember that. it's His promise. remember that.

blogging versus journalling...

okay, untuk mukadimahnya, honestly, i don't even know what blogging means. i guess it comes from the word 'blog', so i think 'blogging' means writing in a blog. while journalling, eheh, that was just me making up a new word. which i choose to define as writing in a journal. how easy is that to increase your vocab, eh?
so, i've heard about blogging a looong time ago, but never had the time nor the interest to try it. until last year, when my sister got to further her study down under to melbourne, australia, and she wished for us here in malaysia to know what she's been up to through her blog. so i registered into blogger.com. and became addicted to it. heh.
suddenly i discovered the channel i can get through to release out what i feel, what i think. and this is what i use my blog for. this is what i'm blogging.
what i'm trying to say is, i personally think there's a difference between blogging and journalling. some people use their blogs to write their everyday stories, much like their publicised diaries, their open-to-public jounals. they write what they eat, what movie they watch, what place they currently are, post pictures and stuff, so on so forth. that for me, in my own definition, is journalling. i don't do that. at least not here. my journals for me are much more private words i wrote in my own private documents, which i'll never publish here. but then, those journals do not contain the typical what-i-eat, what-i-watch, where-i'm-at stories either. because frankly saying, those everyday stories of mine are basically boring, repeat-mode routines. you surely don't want to read the same thing over and over and over again. heh, if you see me and my everyday life, you would say i'm pretty much a boring person.
on the surface, yes. inside, not so sure. this is where this blog comes to focus. because in a way, this is how i express out my feelings, i tell you my opinions and sometimes my ideas. this is the only way i know to do that. because even though friends would say i'm pretty much an easygoing person who talks too much sometimes (maybe most of the time, heh!), but not all what i talk about has the substance of what i actually think. no, i'm not a hypocrite, God forbid, but somehow, i find it hard to say out loud my ideas, my opinions, my knowledge and my feeling about things. it's easier here. writing it out in a blog. outside this channel, i prefer to be the silent listener. only now and then sharing what i think verbally.
so yeah, if friends scold me or tease me, my response would be a little bit delayed. there are times, a lot of times when i find myself replaying back the conversation of the day and thinking of the best retorts. but then, it would be too late to say them, so sometimes i write them here, some in my personal journals, some i just tell God. because He always listens.
this, blogging habit has become the channel for me to complain, the method for me tell you out there that there is a brain inside this hard skull of mine, and it's actually working 24/7, every second of everyday. so, maybe i prefer the general idea of blogging. writing whatever that comes to mind in my blog. and skip out the boring everyday routines. and maybe that is why this blog is hardly updated everyday. since what comes to mind which is significant enough to be written here does not come everyday. only certain time. when i observe certain something. hear certain something. read certain something. think certain something.
saying all that, you'll realize that you will hardly find my daily routine here. you will hardly read about what i do for the week here. it's just something someone else do too, out there, so what's the point of wasting your time reading about it here too, rite? you do it too.
as a conclusion, i'm just saying that my daily life is basically the same as anyone's. what i think, what i feel, however, might be different, might be the same, i dunno, but that, you might find here. if i feel like sharing. if it's too much to bear alone. if i have the time and in the mood to write it all out. if and only if... yeah. till then.