Friday, December 30, 2011

Books into movies or dramas

P/s: err... I know. Bad handwriting. Hanging mid-babble. (i'm talking about the pic down under which supposed to be up here. Oh, well...) Here's what i was actually babbling about;
So, i just recently watched Ombak Rindu last night. Granted, i didn't go to the movies, but someone uploaded the full movie on facebook so i watched it. Haha!
And i understood the writer's dissappoinment in it.
I don't remember when i actually read the book, let alone its storyline. I just remember i skipped quite a few pages. Too emotional for me. But, that's what moves you when reading. The authors' abilities to describe emotions. However, nothing moved me last night when i watched the movie.
I think it is rather insulting to us writers, either the struggling ones (like me) or the accomplished ones (like ombak rindu's author) when the story we put so much efforts into (YOU HAVE NO IDEA) to be portrayed on screen with such careless ways.
I think the only stories quite successfully be transformed into movies were the Harry Potter series. Even then, there were some parts in the movies that the audiences won't understand if they didn't read the books. That i observed from my own experiences having to answer my nephew's continuous questions after we watched the last part of the franchise. But then, maybe that's the whole idea. People who haven't yet read the books, when they watched the movies might want to begin reading them. More profit to the author.
Sadly for me, though, i didn't feel like reading Ombak Rindu again after i watched the movie last night. And that is pretty upsetting if you're the writer. Imagine that.
Even if (or to be more positive, even WHEN) i get the chance to publish my stories, i don't ever want them to be translated into movies or dramas.
We write stories, we put our hearts and souls into it, we breathe our hopes into it to be meaningful to someone. To be something someone can learn from.
Making books into movies or dramas is a big responsibility. HUGE. don't look down on it. Do not belittle the ideas behind the stories. Some small scenes in books might mean big thing to someone. Especially the writers.
Do not sidesweep the author. You don't have her/his brain.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This one is for you...

I know how hopeless it feels,
When someone you love is sick,
And you don't know what to do.
I know how it hurts deep inside,
When someone you love is in pain,
And you have no idea how to help.
But i don't know how it feels,
When you lost that someone you love,
And they will never come back.
Though i had dreamed it to happen to me, i never want it to happen to you.
I'm sorry you have to go through that now.
I'm so sorry we broke off the way we did,
And thus i can't be there to comfort you as a friend should.
I'm so sorry for the fact that we're no longer speaking,
And i can't say to you the soothing words you need right now.
Here i am, writing this for you.
Be strong, i know you are.
But, do cry, because it helps to cleanse the soul, and it helps to bring back your smile.
Believe in your heart that he is at a better place now, and insya Allah, he is.
Always remember him in your prayers, ask Allah to forgive his sins and bless him with His merciful Blessings. Always. Insya Allah.
I know you have to be strong for your family,
But at times, do take a deep breath, and let the tears flow when they come.
Tears are not meant to be swallowed, they are meant to be released.
And yes, you'll be stronger after, Allah willing.
And yes, i will still be here.
Al-Fatihah for him, whom i knew, meant everything to you.
'Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah, maha penyayang. Segala puji-pujian bagi Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. Yang maha pemurah, maha penyayang. Yang menguasai hari pembalasan. Kepada-Mu sajalah yang kami sembah, kepada-Mu sajalah yang kami mohon pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Iaitu jalan orang-orang yang Engkau anugerahkan nikmat kepada mereka, bukan jalan mereka yang Engkau murkai, dan bukan pula jalan mereka yang sesat.'
Amiin, ya Rabb...

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Seadanya... being the operative word

A conversation occured just now in a session in ustazah pilihan when the finalists went to thailand and interviewed a few couples who got married there for various reasons... (words slightly changed, i can't remember the exact words they said):
"Finalist ustazah: jadinya kenapa anda berdua berkahwin di sini, tidak di malaysia?
Lelaki: isteri pertama saya tak bagi.
(he was suspiciously young, probably still in midtwenties).
Perempuan: ibu bapa saya x restu. Kami dah berkawan 7 tahun, tapi mereka x tau kami menjalankan hubungan yang serius. Bila kami nak kahwin, mereka x bg. Apatah lagi bila mereka tau dia dah beristeri.
Finalist ustazah: apa perancangan kamu nanti? Adakah akan terus merahsiakan perkahwinan ini?
Perempuan: kami akan bagitau, slow2 pada ibu bapa. Saya nak family saya terima suami saya 'seadanya'."
Seadanya. The word sounds simple enough, thrown in so commonly in conversations, i don't think people saying it even know what it really means.
'aku sayang dia, aku rela terima dia seadanya'.
'aku harap family aku boleh terima dia seadanya. Aku sayang sangat kat dia walaupun dia jahat macam tu'.
What does it really mean, anyway?
Seadanya atau untuk dienglishkan, accepting he/she as he/she is. Romantically viewed as loving someone so great you accept everything about him/her, flaws and goodness all in one.
But, in view of above situations, i personally think that being that romantic, using the word 'seadanya' operatively, can cause your life, blind you with witless passion and turn your back on your own parents, whose blessings are His Blessings. And so, when you turn your back on our Creator's Blessings, what will you get in your life?
I'm afraid it will be nothing but suffering and corruptions of both, marriage and family institutions, which happen so commonly nowadays, it's frightening.
Think about that before you say words so easily said without actual meaning. Choose wisely the words to say, choose wisely who do you want to spend the rest of your life with. Think. That's all i ask. Wallahualam.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Things i realised this year...

Okay, i know it has not really been a year yet, with december still 2 days in coming, but well, the idea to write this came to mind when i was speeding through the road from work today, and it's pretty overwhelming then so i decided to just do it. Write it. So, here goes...
Things i realised this year:
1. I'm still not good at voicing out my opinions in details, verbally, i mean. I might get it out in 1 or 2 sentences, then someone said something, and i'll just back away. Yeah, yeah, i could still write them here, i know, clever you, but then not everyone read the junks i wrote here. So it goes without saying that i'm not outspoken, i'm just really, spoken-out. Hey, you got a new vocab there... Hahaha..
2. It's getting hard to update this blog. Heh! As you perhaps noticed it has been a while since i wrote in here, and i'm still keeping true to my principle. I tend to write things that are beneficial to me and to you, readers, because i don't see this blog as my diary or journal where i might write everything that happens to me everyday, i see it as a place for me to speak up, obviously not verbally, as you read in number 1, that i'm still not good at. So this is the tool i use to let you in into what i'm thinking, which isn't a lot lately, hence the lack of updates.
3. I still haven't found the courage to do what i want to do the most. I don't even have the guts to tell you what it is, let alone actually do it, God help me.
4. I like everything that rhymes. To think that i've been writing poems since form five, i should have realised by then that i like rhymes. But i just realised it this year, ten years later (good God, how time flies!). The way i just subconsciously smile when listening to raps or songs or words someone say that rhymes, or reading lyrics or poems or quotes that rhymes. I just love it.
5. It does hurt inside when a friend unfriended you on facebook, how ever ridiculous you believed it to be then, it does, trust me. Well, i guess, i deserved it.
6. I usually find myself trapped in useless conversations and i can't find a way out.
7. I'm such a spoiled, selfish brat. Ha! Actually i realised that a looong time ago and still i haven't improved. :p
8. As a methadone pharmacist, it's actually a good da'wah opportunity. The fact that these patients who come to us everyday, many of them vulnerable, quite a few who really intend to change for the better and all of them are lost. With the right way we can actually help to guide these people to the right path. And there's a bounty of rewards for that, insya Allah. Ironically i realised that AFTER i've passed the job over to a colleague of mine. Heh. May Allah help her and us to use that opportunity to the very best of our abilities. Ameen. :)
10. I'm actually a deep-thinker, but i hardly show it.
11. My eeman is at the lowest level of low. The weakest. Take my recent trip to langkawi, for example. There i was with my friends accompanied by a few college girls on a boat trip. And the girls, young as they are, were busy taking pics, with one girl in particular doing every pose possible with our male navigator watching with a broad smile on his face and occassionally, laughingly encouraging her on. Seeing the clothes the girl was wearing God knows what was playing in the man's mind. I knew it was wrong, i knew it right then that it is wrong for women to do things that can attract men. Exposing your 'aurat, doing seductive poses, even talking in too-soft a tone, to say a few. I knew it, but i didn't say anything. Didn't do anything. I just sat there, watching her, sometimes smiling to cover my awkwardness and there were times when i did laugh along with them. What a weak, weak person i was.
'Dari Abu Sa’id Al-Khudri RA dia berkata : Aku mendengar Rasulullah SAW bersabda :
“Barang siapa di antara kalian melihat suatu kemungkaran hendaklah ia mengubah dengan tangannya; jika tidak mampu, maka dengan lisannya; jika ia masih tidak mampu, maka dengan hatinya dan itu adalah selemah-lemahnya iman.” (HR. Muslim)'.
At that time i could only say it in my heart. The weakest of eeman. Me being the person who has the say-your-opinion-verbally problem. Go figure. Still trying to upgrade my eeman, insya Allah. Pray for me...
12. I might not be able to fall in love with a man, for the rest of my life. And i'm actually okay with it. Whatever people around me say. In my quest to find the one love that matters, it slowly dawns on me that that love can actually be the ONLY love that matters. His love. What more fullfilling for a creation than to love and be loved by her Creator? :)
So, there goes. I can't find it in my head what more to add... Heed whatever is beneficial, ignore the rest. Thank you.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Rolling in the Deep by Adele, Linkin Park version is cool...

There's a fire in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind you of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

Could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
You had my heart and soul
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
And you played it to the beat

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
Could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
Rolling in the deep

(Now I'm gonna wish you never had met me)
You had my heart and soul in your hand
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
But you played it, you played it, you played it to the beat

p/s: tried to attach the linkin park video here with chester singing his own version, but couldn't... Isk!! Will try later... Enjoy the lyrics, they're good.... :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Why i love One Tree Hill

Considering the fact that i just finished watching season 8 last night, i'm pretty much in a One Tree Hill blues, heh. I've talked about Linkin Park previously, quite mouthful on why i love them so much (btw, congratulation guys for winning best rock for mtv ema!! That's why i love them so much, even after 10 years, they're still going strong!!!!), and back to Tree Hill, seeing that the series is at the top of my indulgence lists on the sidebar, i should really talk/write about why it's there, why i love it so much too..
1. First of all, it's about the strong bond of friendship. Friendship between the girls, between the guys, and between the adults. We see undying loyalty in every main character towards friends, between lucas and haley at the beginning, brooke and peyton, keith and karen, and it expands widely throughout all 8 seasons with new characters. That is a remarkable theme you find so rarely in tv series. But in One Tree Hill, it shows consistently up to the eighth season i've watched just last night... Friendship that never ends between haley and brooke, nathan and mouth, added with between nathan and clay and julian and skills and chase... I always love to see guys who have lots of loyal friends, because your friends define who you are. Who you choose to befriend shows ur inner character, i believe that with all my heart.
2. Then, the series show lovely bond between siblings too, something that is rare to find in a tv series, especially between half-brothers who used to despise each other. Nathan and lucas's relationship is amazingly well-rounded and brilliantly told, that it's a wonder how they got that brilliant idea.
3. And of course, it's about love. But what i love the most about the love they show in Tree Hill is that it's honest love. It lacks scandal and stupid bed scenes, it's just love, pure and simple. And it doesn't focus on just love between a guy and a girl, but also between friends, again, between siblings, and also between parents and their kids. This wide range of love makes the series more fun and filling to watch, instead of just love between guys and girls, which gets pretty boring, if u ask me.
4. It's also a story of a sense of protectiveness. It shows in how lucas is always protective of haley, of nathan when they finally bonded, brooke of peyton, how she helped lucas saved that best friend of hers from getting raped, brooke of her adopted teenager, sam, the adults being protective of the kids, from karen and keith for lucas and nathan, from the coach wiley for his players, and then later from nathan and the rest of his friends for his son jamie. It's amazing to watch that sense of protectiveness never fades up till the latest season.
5. And also, i love the fact that almost every episode starts with brilliant quotes from smart people. Quotes that define each episode and provide an identity of its own to the series. I learn to collect quotes after watching the series, quotes which help me to be a thinker, instead of just a do-er. And that is something valuable you rarely learned from tv series.
6. And yeah, the joking dialogues are funny too. Most of the time, they're told in such a cool, carefree way that it makes it even more hillarious and believable. How funny scenes like when brooke got so drunk that she forgot haley's name, whom she always called Tutor Girl, and named her Brooke, instead, still got me rolling with laughter, doesn't matter how many times i've watched it.
7. The morals in the stories are loadful. How friends should always help each other, like brooke, however naughty she was, she was still the one who helped to hook up haley and nathan in the first place, and as that relationship is still going strong makes it remarkable to watch.
8. The tears, the arguments, the emotions portrayed in the series seem so real that i laughed and cried alongside them. The series tell honest stories, that can happen anywhere, anytime, and that makes it special and again, rare. It's not a stereotype story of upper class people, but a story of even the lowest class of people working their way to the top. And that is one heck of a strong storyline.
9. It's also a story of changing for good. The most prominent example is how Nathan the spoiled playboy became the most loving brother, friend and later husband and father. How amazing it is that his love for Haley makes him a better man than before. And also Brooke the playful playgirl who became such a smart, always kindhearted, talented, protective and loving person. It's always a nice plot, whether it be tv series, movies or novels, when the characters evolve to become better person. In a way, this series help me to become a better person too.
10. The stories also taught me about karma. That good things will happen to good people, and vice versa. How the most villainous of all villains, Dan Scott got what he deserved for what he did. He killed his own brother, and at the end he spend his life alone, without his sons, his wife, or his grandson, or his friends.
11. I have so many, many unforgettable scenes from the series. The drunken Brooke i mentioned earlier. The look on Haley's face when Nathan put the kiddy bracelet on her wrist and then later when he kissed her for the first time with I Dare You to Move song from Switchfoot playing at the background. The look on Nathan's face when Haley sang for the first time. The look on Lucas's face when Nathan deliberately crashed the racing car he was driving to the wall, devastated that Haley had left him. I looked everywhere for the soundtrack for that specific scene, it was Like a Man Possessed. I forgot who sang it. The look on Brooke's face when she adopted the baby girl briefly. The look on Julian's face when Brooke went to him finally. So many i can't simply just write here... Unforgettable scenes with their own lessons to learn.
12. It's a story of growing up, maturing up from high school kids into adults with responsibilities. The stories show how the characters grow and mature, and just like with Linkin Park, i grow up and mature up alongside these people in One Tree Hill as i follow the stories through. And that is something i find so valuable to have as my life goes on.
13. The fact that each character has his/her own personality and identity also makes me love the series more. That is another remarkable trait in a tv series, which i hardly find in others. Peyton with her devil-may-care attitude, kind, minding my own business behaviour and vulnerabilities, despite her trying very hard not to show them. Lucas with his natural good boy, a mother's son character, always protective and positive, a loving son, brother and lover. Brooke with her funny outrageous remarks, smart mind and loving and very protective and very kind to everyone she loves. Nathan with his admirable transformation of bad-boy-turned-good, a loving and dotted husband and father, a strong, hardworking man, and a protective, supportive friend. Haley, who has a mind of her own, her own principle of things which she holds so strongly onto, her remarkable strength and her love for her family and friends. These are the main characters i follow along as they grow up. There are others too, with their own characteristics. Remarkable ones.
14. The fact that these actors, even outside the series are all generally well-behaved shows that the series' wonderful theme taught them a lot too. How they remain good friends outside shooting, even got married in case of chad (lucas) and sophia (brooke) briefly, which makes me really feel like kicking chad's $&@ when they got divorced, but that was as much little scandal you could get from the casts. The rest are just wonderful stories. Chad settles down with his new fiancee, sophia is busy being charitable and eco-friendly all around the world with her new boyfriend and she sure does have a strong voice fighting woman and child abuse. Smart lady, that one. Bethany (Haley) settles down with her husband and new baby girl, james (nathan) enjoying his life but carefully keeping away from bad habits, good boy. Hillary (peyton) settles somewhere too. It's just, you hardly hear any scandalous stories about the casts of One Tree Hill and that is saying something. That reflects back on the series and shows that it succeeds in promoting good things, instead of bad ones.
15. And yeah, a story with sport as it's main theme is always interesting to watch. And they do play one heck of basketball games. :)
16. Last but definitely not the least, they have cool songs. One more thing unique about One Tree Hill is that it promotes singing artists that we sometimes never even heard of. And they're good too. Amazing, actually. I tried to collect soundtracks from the series because they all sound wonderful, and bethany joy galeotti really CAN sing. She's very good. The fact that peyton's red bedroom turned into a cool studio with artists flowing from it is something u don't get from any other series. And the song I Don't Wanna Be, Gavin DeGraw suits the series so well, it might as well become phenomenally evergreen.

All in all, this is it. The series, the storylines, the quotes, the casts with their amazing characters and characteristics, the laughter, the tears, the songs are all wonderfully created that i fall in love with them all. Like the word 'Fortitude' Clay chose for his agency, it actually describes the whole of One Tree Hill. Fortitude is a strong word with a strong meaning and these group of people, these 'unkindness of ravens' in One Tree Hill do have their own 'fortitude', their own strength, that makes them different from any other series, and that... is why i love it so much. :)

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Ooh, hey, yeah hush,
just stop
There's nothing you can do or say, baby
I've had enough
I'm not your property
As from today, baby
You might think that
I won't make it on my own
But now I’m
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I am stronger
Than I ever thought
That I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn't really care ‘bout me
You might think that
I can’t take it but you’re wrong
'Cause now I’m
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I am stronger
Come on now
Oh, yeah
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own, now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go
Here I go
Stronger than yesterday
It's nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I am stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
Now I am stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
Iam stronger

P/s: even britney spears used to have the time when the lyrics of her song were inspiring... ;)

Friday, October 7, 2011

City Sisters

I stumbled upon this series today, aired on tvalhijrah at 12noon. it was already half an hour through when i flipped to the channel after finished watching usrah on tv9 with my mother. the series include a group of muslimah from united kingdoms, gathered together, beautifully attired and completely covered in abayas and scarves, talking and discussing about these days issues, especially concerning muslimah all around the world. today's issue was a bit hazy to me since i watched it in the middle, but towards the end they did some recap of previous episodes and i got the general idea. they discussed women, islam and they bring in new members too. even new sisters who just recently converted into islam.
i got interested to know more about the show, so i 'yahooed' it, heh. i found the official website here:

as i browsed through the website, i found out that this show's presenters came from different walks of life, from single women to married ones with families and jobs and different obligations and races. however, all of them shared the common similarity which is they are all muslims, and they are there to share and voice out their knowledges and opinions regarding islam. quite exraordinary when reading the audiences' comments regarding the show. how the show proved to be one of the significant tools for them to know and understand islam better. and these comments came from muslimahs in non-muslim countries all over the world. it shows that this series has helped women to strengthen their faith, especially those whom we know as 'saudara/i baru' or new sisters amidst non-muslim community, which can be hard to do.
they also put up summaries of previous episodes and i got to read all of them. the topics vary from 'living for akhirah' to 'attaining taqwa' to 'peer pressure' to 'education and careers for sisters'. and they talked about them in a simple straight forward manner, so that viewers can easily understand.
it's interesting to know that a small group of muslimahs in a non-muslim country manage to provide such a thorough insight of islam and broadcast it worldwide, compared to us, here, in a muslim country where wearing hijab is now a matter of trend instead of obligation. there is a point to ponder there.
which brings me to point out that there is a lot of programs for muslimah locally. we should be grateful that the awareness is there, although still weak since the programs sometimes skidded away from the original path of guiding our women towards understanding islam better. maybe we should provide more interesting talks added with travelling to siginifcant places, instead of overwhelming the screen with the newest trends of hijabs and busana.. or islamic dramas with the actresses freely flaunting their crowns when they are no longer shooting.
media plays a vital role in guiding people, especially those who enjoy them. it's true that we are targetting the youths of the nation to be better person. it's a commendable effort when shows such as imam muda and ustazah pilihan start to bring out more knowledge about islam. let's just pray that these shows will not stray away from their true intentions.
media is there to provide knowledge, the right knowledge to people, to youths, not to confuse them further. islam is to be understood, learned and practised, and media is one of the significant tools to provide that. let's just hope it won't be misused with all the gimicks and the extravaganza that seemed to flood the channels these days.
or else, it might be best to just have a simple show like the City Sisters where peers sit down and talk and travel occasionally, and still can change their comrades all around the world into being better persons and strengthening their faith in the religion of islam. which is actually what we should aim to do. really.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September yang pertama...

Alhamdulillah masih lagi boleh bernafas, berkongsi oksigen dengan segenap makhluk-Nya...
Alhamdulillah nadi masih lagi berdenyut...
Alhamdulillah anggota badan masih mampu bergerak menuruti arahan fikiran...
Alhamdulillah mata masih mampu melihat...
Alhamdulillah telinga masih mampu mendengar...
Alhamdulillah lidah masih mampu bertutur...
Alhamdulillah bibir masih mampu tersenyum...
Alhamdulillah hidung masih mampu menghidu harum ciptaan-Mu...
Alhamdulillah ya Allah, hari ini masih mampu kulalui dengan hati yang gembira, dengan tawa yang ria, dengan rasa syukur pada-Mu, ya Allah...
Alhamdulillah september yang pertama tahun ini kujejaki jua, seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, tarikh simbolik bertambahnya usiaku, kematanganku dan ilmuku...
Alhamdulillah untuk segala-galanya ya Allah...
Dan seperti tahun sebelum ini september ini masih lagi bulan kegemaran di kalangan 12 bulan masihi, masih lagi bulan yang menandakan pembaharuan... A new department, a new type of job to go through, a new kind of challenge.
Alhamdulillah for the positive thoughts you've given me ya Allah, to go through this...
Alhamdulillah for the past 27 years of life you've given me ya Allah, may You always guide me along for the years to come till my time is done. Amin ya Rabbal'alamin...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Awake and Alive

Awake And Alive lyrics
Songwriters: Cooper, John; Howes, Brian;

I'm at war with the world
And they try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world
'Cause I ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what, I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
( From: )
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up in the dark

I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms, I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up

these lyrics are submitted by FF5 Fan
these lyrics are last corrected by patricia leslie

One cool song amidst quite a few amazing music taken from the official soundtracks for the Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Testing mobile blogging

Dengan ini diisytiharkan saya sudah menginstall kemudahan utk blogging secara mobile. Cuba untuk mengisi kekosongan. Mungkin dgn mobile blogging macam ni, blog ni akan lebih mudah diupdate. Walaupun secara jujurnye, saya x suka mengupdate blog tanpa apa2 input yg boleh mendatangkan manfaat kepada pembacanya. Macam sekarang. Fikiran masih lagi kosong tanpa apa2 idea, sekadar membaca coretan2 lama dengan senyum kecil di bibir dan perasaan wonder itu. Wondering how at one time i had so much ideas to write, sampai tangan x terkejar nak menulis. Wondering how those ideas can easily elude me nowadays... Mungkin banyak sangat dosa sekarang. Rezeki utk idea itu Tuhan sekat dulu. Wallahualam. Tersangat ingin idea itu datang kembali, saat ini... God, help me...BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hollow. Vacant. Empty.

Hollow tu maknanya ruang yang kosong. Vacant tu selalu diertikan dengan pandangan yang kosong. Empty tu memang dah maklum la maksudnya kosong. so, those three words basically describe the same thing. hollowness. vacancy. emptiness. which is bila diterjemahkan kepada lingua franca tanah melayu jadinya satu perkataan je: KOSONG.
i'm sorry for the fact that this blog has been 'kosong' for such a long time. it's just the way it is. it's just the way to tell that the writer here is having one of those meltdowns when her mind is hollow, her stare is vacant and her heart is empty.
when my mind is working overtime without actually thinking, it's hollow. when my eyes are looking without actually seeing, my gaze is vacant. when my heart is aching without actually feeling anything, it is empty. void.
dan apakah sebab musababnya kekosongan ini datang menyerang, saya sendiri tak tau. but, like a human body which God creates to respond automatically to any changes on it, i react too, to this emptiness. to try desperately to fill up this hollowness. though the only thing that could actually fill up this vacancy is tears. lots and lots and lots of tears.
and still, kekosongan itu masih tetap dirasa. God help me...

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


for lack of things to write... and i dunno why i like the word 'broken' so much... but here's the lyric for the beautiful song from lifehouse... i've highlighted what i'm feeling...

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

p/s: i want to post the song here, but then i'm tired and sleepy now.. maybe next time. till then, bye...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

list of dreams

saya ketandusan idea nak menulis. menulis di blog. menulis in general. this is what came up when i'm out of light. light of ideas, i mean. i'll try to make this short. because i notice most my entries are soooo long... heh... but, then, on second thought, yang ni pun rasanya akan panjang jugak... and boring... so, u're free to go... bye...

1. saya nak jadi berani

2. saya nak publish cerita yang saya tulis, tapi tiada no. 1 tu lagi.. camne???

3. saya nak main drum. sebab saya sangat suka percussion, tapi tak pernah berpeluang untuk belajar. setiap lagu yang saya dengar, the first beat yang caught my ears are the drumbeats. baru gitar. the way i define good music is when they have good drum tracks... and/or gitar goreng yg best...

4. saya nak belajar drift. tapi tak reti bawak kereta manual. heh.

5. saya nak jadi isteri yang baik. (whoa!!!!!!!!!! dari mana datangnya tu?????????????) heh...

6. saya nak jadi pandai memasak. malangnya saya malas. dan x pandai. :(

7. saya nak berkorban untuk something that matters. love, maybe? berangan that i give up everything to give someone i love something priceless. nyet! that was me being hopelessly romantic, i guess.

8. saya nak buat something that can mean something good to someone. tapi tak de talent. dan keberanian. again.

9. saya nak ada anak/anak2. and love them with all my heart as best i can.

10. saya nak jadi muslimah yang berjihad. again, keberanian itu sangat penting. that is why it's the top on my list here.

11. saya nak travel around the world. bukan sekadar untuk ambil gambar dan tengok view. tapi nak hayati cara hidup. nak berbakti mana yang boleh ditolong. bermusafir. bersyukur. takjub dengan ciptaan Tuhan yang luas ini.

12. saya nak pergi buat haji. nak jejak kaki lagi di Mekah dan Madinah. rindu sangat...

13. saya nak pergi Baitulmuqaddis. nak pergi negara2 islam yang susah dan tolong.

14. saya nak tulis lirik untuk linkin park. haha.

15. kadang-kadang saya berangan kahwin anak raja. so saya boleh berhenti kerja sekarang, dan buat khidmat sosial, bantu orang susah all over the countries. heh.

16. saya nak bekerja dengan spirit. bukan semata-mata bekerja, tapi tak dapat apa-apa in return. yes, dapat gaji. but gaji is just money. knowledge, wisdom, ikhlas, khidmat dengan hati tu yang lagi penting.

17. saya nak berhenti rasa malas setiap kali bangun pagi nak pergi kerja.

18. saya nak jadi happy. dan bersyukur dengan apa yang ada, which is a lot. tapi tu pun payah nak buat bila jealousy datang menyerang. i hate jealousy. :(

19. saya nak tamatkan list ni dengan something bombastik, tapi...

20. saya nak... dah out of light. again. aduih. this rattling is ridiculous, tapi it feels good to let it out. sorry, though. pretty boring. and insightless. clueless.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Bila lagi...?

someone like me is accustomed to this famous, open-ended question ever since we finished studying and started working. for me, that is almost four years of enduring tight smiles and flitting glances, searching for escapes. this ever famous question has sometimes became the reason to avoid socialising, especially during wedding season. these two words hold even more power than a loaded gun pointed at the head, just by being open-ended and stalled mid-air, waiting to be answered with answers yet to come.
or am i being dramatic?
bila fikir-fikir balik, kenapa mesti fikir ke arah 'itu' saje apabila soalan ini ditanya? i mean, it's being open-ended for a reason, ain't it? it doesn't necessarily have to mean: bila lagi 'nak kahwin'? right? it might mean: bila lagi nak sambung master? bila lagi nak sambung phd? bila lagi nak pergi mekah, madinah, australia, bangkok, vietnam, kemboja, jakarta... and so on and so forth?
or am i just being hopelessly optimistic?
what i notice is that this question is asked between people when they have nothing else to say. it's like an automatic traditional custom to ask this when you're out of topic to talk about. which brings another word into mind right now. pathetic. the person being asked might seem pathetic, for not knowing what to answer when asked this, but the person asking is actually more pathetic for having to ask this ever famous, out-of-other-thing-to-talk-about, question, in the first place. get what i mean?
tapi, adakah salah tukang yang bertanya apabila niatnya hanyalah ikhlas nak tau? mungkinlah juga salah orang yang ditanya, kenapa nak diassume pertanyaan itu menjurus ke arah itu saja, ye idak? i guess, it's a lose-lose situation. the one asking lose the other's respect when asking this question, and the one asked lose face for having automatically assumed the question is an insult, instead of honest curiosity.
it's a pity that this is what commonly happening in our society. losing respect and losing face, because of just one simple, open-ended question. and we wonder why people avoid each other's eyes when socialising...
so, here, let's rephrase things. apa kata bila ada orang bertanya: bila lagi...? kita jangan automatically assume they are asking us bila nak kahwin? how about we help them complete the question? hm...

kejadian di satu majlis perkahwinan....
A: dah kamu ni bila lagi...?
B: Bila lagi nak sambung master? insya Allah la makcik, ada rezeki saya sampai la ke Uzerbaijan tu sambung belajar haiwan2 gurun. (dalam hati: hahahaha)
A: (dalam hati: kurang asam budak ni).

at least then, we know we still have our sense of humour intact. ;P

Friday, June 3, 2011


Ta’aruf tu kalau ikut maknanya ialah saling kenal-mengenal. Merangkumi segala bentuk perkenalan, antara lelaki dengan perempuan, antara sahabat, antara saudara-mara selepas sesi jejak kasih. Apa saja bentuk perkenalan yang dianjurkan oleh Islam. Tapi, masyarakat kita dah pandang ta’aruf itu pada satu makna saja, iaitu perkenalan antara lelaki dan perempuan. Lebih spesifik lagi, kononnya antara lelaki dan perempuan yang ada intention untuk spend the rest of their lives together, yeah, yeah, simply said, to get married.
This entry is not going to talk about ta’aruf. Kerana saya bersetuju dengan makna ta’aruf yang asal, iaitu saling kenal-mengenal. Full stop. This is an entry about perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan. This topic came about after a short discussion i had with a few colleagues of mine a few weeks ago, about this. Dan sebab sinonimnya pemikiran ramai bahawa ta’aruf itu adalah spesifik ke arah ni, saya letak tajuknya seperti itu. bear in mind, the meaning of the word is broader than that.
So, back to perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan.
I was telling my colleagues that i don’t really believe in dating, atas dasar nak berkenalan sebelum kahwin. I have quite a strong opposition against the idea of dating and couple, clouded with the famous excuse of ‘to get to know each other’. Perlu ke ‘get to know each other’ dengan bergayut/berchatting/bermesej/ sampai ke pukul tiga empat pagi, talking nonsense and NOT getting to know each other at all? ye la, berapa kerat couples that you know yang share their likes and dislikes, their wisdom and thoughts, their ups and downs, their goodness and their flaws? Ada, yeah, sikit. The rest, banyak yang cover up their flaws, their dislikes, their different opinions on things, just for the sake of impressing the so-called ‘other half’. Banyak yang spend 90% of the conversations on praising each other (you cantik/handsome/pandai/smart/cute/lawa), saying i miss you, i love you, rindu la, sayang awak and asking breakfast tadi makan apa, lunch tadi makan apa, dinner tadi makan apa, ni dah dekat nak subuh nak supper apa and the words go on, pusing balik macam tadi. Bila dah macam tu, adakah itu namanya berkenal-kenalan?
Hm... well, maybe i was just being sceptic. But that is the typical scenario these days. And i am frank enough to say that i don’t like it. And so i said to my colleagues, i don’t mind not getting to know my other-half before marriage. As long as God shows me he’s the right one. Who am I to doubt that, right?
But then, my colleague’s counterattack was quite an impressive one. He put in an example of an acquaintance we had sometimes ago, who was abused by her husband, the one she married before truly getting to know him (code words here: tak pernah ‘couple’). So, that got me to think. Is couple the answer? I still don’t think it is. Then, what is? Is the perkenalan sebelum berkahwin itu truly necessary? If abusing cases like that are taken into account, i’d say very much necessary. So, then, what to do?
It goes on to not whether or not perkenalan itu perlu, but it goes on to HOW we do it. And still i’d like to emphasize, couple is still not the answer. There is a way to do it honourably. And that’s where we were suddenly introduced to the word ta’aruf. Bila perkataan dah bunyi arab sikit, mula la ingat benda tu dah betul. Mula la satu perkataan dengan makna yang innocent disalahgunakan untuk menghalalkan apa yang sebenarnya haram.
For me, couple is NOT ta’aruf. Couple is not the answer. Dalam Islam memang tak de istilah couple. Dah berkoyan-koyan artikel yang terbitkan yang emphasize pasal ni. Susah sangat ye nak paham?
In Islam, getting to know each other before marrying is allowed. But, do it honourably. The guy will bring his family to see the girl’s family, ask permission and get to know each other. When it’s necessary for the two of them to meet, someone else must be there as chaperone, preferably a close family. No need of chatting, messaging, gayuting, whatever. Simple. Clean. There won’t be unnecessary praises and stupid repeated questions when seated together with family like that. The true thing about each other will come out in the open, each likes and dislikes, each opinions and thoughts, each goodness and flaws. There is no need for trying hard to impress since both families are already aware of the situation. Tengah dalam proses nak berkenalan. That is the true meaning and the right way of berkenalan. Susah ke nak buat? I don’t know. Ask yourself. It’s the ideal way. Tapi susah betul nak cari ketika zaman dunia dah nak kiamat ni...
For me, it’s pretty simple. I might be seen as a modern girl who watches too many Hollywood movies and read too many romances before. But, when it comes to deciding who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with, i’m still the old-fashioned, conventional, budak pingitan melayu macam zaman dulu-dulu. I won’t be impressed with the words ‘will you marry me’, however special you make the proposal is, however sore your knees are for kneeling. I’ll be impressed if you’re there, with your family, meeting mine and do it honourably. I’ll be impressed if you do that because you know it’s the right thing to do and because you know that is how we do it in Islam, and most importantly, you do it because you want to gain His blessings. That will impress me. Whether or not you’ll be accepted, that’s not for me alone to decide. It’s still His work.
So, scold me for being old-fashioned, i won’t budge. I’m trying to do it the right way. And that’s the only way i know to ‘berkenal-kenalan’. The only way I approve of because i’m trying to do what Allah wants me to do. What He will approve me of doing.
Because for me, the fact is this: nak cari suami dunia tu mungkin senang. Nak cari suami dunia DAN akhirat tu yang susah. Wallahualam.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

books, read, write

been waiting to write about this for a while. but under certain circumstances, selalu je xde masa. bila bersemangat dan ada masa nak tulis, blogger tengah under service pulak, cet! but, well, here we go...
i love to read. u might have read about that particular passion of mine here ...
heh! i can't help it. books are my staple diet. forget rice, forget junk food, forget fast food, even forget rocky road or double dutch, give me an interesting book, and u'll find me the most well-mannered girl u ever met. i can have my nose buried in those sweet-smelling pages the whole day, really. i guess being born to parents who were teachers and who value books among anything else kinda prompted me to be like that. as the following pictures will tell u... :)

ha! itu la padahnya bila dah bertahun-tahun tak pergi pesta buku. sekali pergi, hampir tercabut soket bahu menggalas beg berisi buku2 di atas tu, yang hampir penuh katil. ish! ish! ish! hehehe... notice that they are all malay books... hm.. interesting.. what have gotten into me???

so, to tune down my sudden appetite for malay novels for a bit, on my way back home, i bought these three english menus..heh!
and these actually are adding up to the following books i haven't yet read, sitting comfortably here at home..uhuh....
ngee!!! quite a load, don't u think??? hehehe... adding all up, that pretty much sums to 19 books i haven't yet my! tu belum nak campur buku yang dah lama zaman berkirun dulu beli tapi tak baca2 lagi tu... Pride & Prejudice, Persuasion, kisah khalifah Umar al-Khatab dengan Ali bin Abu Talib, kisah Siti Aisyah isteri kesayangan Rasulullah, Qur'an Saintifik yang tak betul-betul habis lagi baca, la-Tahzan, Jodi Picoult's Change of Heart my sister lent to me looooooooong time ago.... just to name a few... kihkihkih... that equals to almost 30 books i have to read! yeehaa!!

and here's to share the books i have already found the time to read, thank God...

my malay collections... :)

yet, another portion of my malay's...
my collection of sweet valley high's. there are almost 50 of them, which colored my teen years... hehe...

my random collections... well, i have a variety of tastes when it comes to books... :)
my mixed of classics and moderns...

my mixed of chick-flicks and romances, once upon a time.... ngee...
my harry potter's!!! all seven of them. as harry matures up in the fifth book, the version of his books i collected also changed to the adult, hard-cover version.. simbolik gitu... hehe...
and of course, my ilmiah books... takkan nak lupa gitu je buku yang diguna for five years, ye idak?? (ada jugak terselit anchee min's dengan my fav philippa greggory's, the constant princess kat situ... hehehe.. seeing all that (please pardon the blurry images of some of the above photos), u know now how much i love to read. well, not so much on the ilmiah part, but the rest, yes. heh. if u still don't believe me, i'll tell u a secret. i even read when i'm in the toilet. something i inherited from my eldest sister. heh!
those are a LOT of books. like my ex-lecturer-pensioner-cum-writer/novelist/author father had pointed out one day, all these books should have made me a writer like him. he said he only had to read a couple or three books and he could already write a novel! the way he said it that time hurt me a little (isk!). sedey...
don't get me wrong. i love to write. i told u that in this entry a long, long time ago. his blood does run in my veins, anyway, so i do have the interest, you may even call it passion, to write. but i don't have that talent to spin what's in my mind into an interesting story. at least not yet. i don't have the talent, nor the time...
I have an 8 to 5 (sometimes 6) job which hammers down on my left brain thunderously during the day, plus 2 hours of traveling to and from work, so it should be understood that it’s going to be a tad difficult for me to automatically switch to right brain during the night. Most nights, i don’t switch at all. so flat out and tired, all i do is switching off all activities and watch movies without seeing and then watch the back of my eyelids. Writing is not my primary job, however i want it to, so badly. Please, try to understand that...
no matter how much i read, how many books i have, the ideas to write still pretty much scattered. till i find the time to gather it all together, then maybe i can put up a good book for you to read. and i mean a good book. i don't want to merely write books with nothing you can learn from. i want to write books that mean something to someone. that can teach something about life and the afterlife. because i appreciate that kind of books, so it's only natural that is what i want to come from me too. till then, thank you for reading. :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I don't wanna be...

Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately.... ooops, that sounds awfully familiar. Yup, lyrics from gavin degraw’s i don’t want to be, 1 tree hill theme song, eheh! Well, i don’t want to talk about the song, i want to talk about what i don’t want to be:

1. A hypocrite. One heck of a job to do that. We are all a bit of hypocrites here and there with our own twisted reasons and excuses.

2. A brag. I hate bragging. If u’re good at something, prove it, don’t talk about it yet until it’s there, plain for everyone to see.

3. A goody-goody two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on- shoes.

4. A snob

5. A lazy ass. One heck of a job too. I am lazy.

6. A back-stabbing friend

7. An ungrateful person

8. An unforgiving individual

9. A forgetful person.

10. A kissing-ass b%!@#

11. A psycho

12. Alone

13. A grunge holder (?)

14. Jealous

15. Bad

16. Awful

17. Bad-mouthing anyone to anyone

18. Scared anymore

19. Loveless

20. Lifeless

21. Boring

22. Dull

23. Losing my sense of humour, which i sense is close, and that is bad. Bad. Bad.

24. Helpless

25. Hopeless

26. Clueless

27. Without aim

28. Aimless. Damn, that’s the same thing.

29. In a writer’s-block mode, but apparently, here i am.

30. Misguided into doing what i don’t want to do and pretending i like doing it.

31. Losing interest in my work, but sadly, that is what’s happening now.

32. Chained, figuratively. I’m a free-soul, held down too tightly now, though.

33. Restless, but i am, all the time

34. Stressed. Huh! Who wants that?!

35. A blur of existence. I want to exist and mean something to someone, clearly

36. Lost

37. A coward. But, uh, i am.

38. Losing my feeling

39. Reading without understanding

40. Watching without seeing

41. Losing interest in helping people.

42. Stuck in the past, but ops, i am.

43. Unforgiven

44. Hated, though i’m good at provoking someone to hate me, really.

45. Here and not there...

46. Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately, all i have to do is sing to me and i have a peace of mind, i’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what i got to do, or who i’m supposed to be, i don’t want to be anything other than... me. Yeah, gavin degraw’s again. His is the best definition and explanation.

There. In conclusion, i don’t want to be a lot of things. But most of the time that ‘a lot of things’ is just me. I’m not perfect. I have my vulnerabilities. I have insecurities. I have doubts. I have fear. Those make up who I am. I’m not saying I am all those things. Some i really hate to be and really try not to be. But there are some that i can’t help not to be. It’s just me.

I don’t want to be a lot of things. But, to put it simply, i sure as heck don’t want to be other than me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

of nuclear and power

we all know the tragedy that hit Japan last month on the eleventh, when a literally groundbreaking earthquake caused a massive tsunami to crash upon the island, sacrificing thousands of lives. we all know what we worried next when that happened. the nuclear plants on that island. and of course, the worry is justified. the tsunami caused serious damages to the plants, heating it up, which may in turn, from what i understood from reading about it, cause the radioactive particles inside the plants to break free and spread out. and we know what damage can radioactive particles do. very serious, indeed.
then, i found this article on the net, published on the 13th march, 2 days after the strike. i'm quoting just a bit of it:
"On Saturday, Japanese officials took the extraordinary step of flooding the crippled No. 1 reactor at Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station, 170 miles north of Tokyo, with seawater in a last-ditch effort to avoid a nuclear meltdown." (Japan earthquake: Nuclear crisis spreads to fourth plant by Hiroko Tabuchi, Matthew L Wald, New York Times, Updated: March 13, 2011 22:49 IST).
they flooded it in an attempt to cool it down.
the point to ponder here is this: we know tsunami is the giant waves of the seawater. and from this article, it is apparent that they use seawater to try to repair or reduce the damage caused, early on, by the giant waves of the seawater. can you see the irony? we use what was the cause of the problem in the first place to try to remedy the problem it caused. and now i'm talking in riddles....
what i'm trying to say here is this: we are powerless.
no matter how we try to prove it otherwise, by having nuclear reactors or whatnots, whatever, in one stroke of a power more powerful than us, it all will be gone. some call it force of nature, some call it wrath of god, some call it sequences of numbers and probabilities i don't ever want to understand, some call it whatever, whatnots.
for me, it's clear. it's a sign from the Almighty above to remind us how powerless we are. how we should bow down and remind ourselves that this world, that island are not ours to do whatever we like with them. this world is NOT ours. and we can see how bad we have forgotten that fact from the damage that particular tragedy had caused. it took us to see that kind of destruction to wake up. it's no longer small, small signs, it gets bigger and bigger as we went deeper and deeper into forgetting that everything in the world will go back to Him, the Creator.
He creates the seawater. He creates the island. He creates the tsunami. He creates the destruction to wake us up. and ironically we use back the things He creates to remedy the damage He also creates. which just proved that everything goes back to Him.
this is going to be a short entry. if i go further, i'll twist my words more and i'll stop making sense and that, i don't ever want to do. i don't know if i'm making sense now, but somehow, some way, that piece of article made me realize something. it might not make sense to you what i wrote here, but try to think. the irony of everything that happens. it's a lesson, in some sort of weird, twisted and wicked way, it is a lesson, nontheless.

Friday, April 15, 2011


Time passes like it has no meaning,
I wait and watch it ticking,
Contemplating a reason, an excuse,
for feeling scared and misused

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard

I have it all, loving parents, siblings and friends,
But I cry for them, trying to make amend,
The injustice, I want it to end,
Feeling scared of not being able to mend

Longing for someone who doesn't exist,
Instead of love, I found hatred in the mist,
I cried the dreams away and harden,
Now feeling scared and heartbroken

Past scars chase me,
Present wounds break me,
I don't know what the future holds for me,
And so I go on feeling scared for me

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard...

Penned by Rodhiah Rahman, 131106
I wrote this poem back then, a long time ago in 2006, when everything seemed cloudy and confusing. I can't believe I'm actually living the fear again, right now.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Saya suka drive-thru. Okay, mungkin kawan saya, Dayah won’t agree with me since she’s in charge of the drive-thru department in HSNZ and that sure as heck is a lot of work, but well, I’m not talking about that drive-thru. I’m not talking about the ATM drive-thru or pizza drive-thru or kfc drive-thru, either, because they don’t have those here in Terengganu. I’m talking about the McD drive-thru. Heh, I can actually picture my other friend, Melissa grinning from ear to ear at the mention of that (McD is her only saving grace here in Terengganu, ngee...). :)
So, anyway, saya pergi McD drive-thru pada suatu petang yang hening selepas balik kerja. As I was waiting in line to get to the ordering kiosk, something hit me. The flow of the drive-thru. Let’s imagine it together...
First, you get to order. And you’re given a whole lot of menus to choose from.
Then, you have to pay. Next, you get what you want. What you ordered.
Finally, you move on to the junction of the road, whether it be the right or the left. Or in a few occasion, straight to hit the gate of Giant. Huh? Never mind that. Hehe.
That, that flow, (minus the Giant part) is a lot like Life.
Yes, everything is fated. Yes, everything is written way before we were even born. Yes, at the end of the day, we have only that one destination to head to. But, one wise person said in her book that and I quote, ‘everything is fated, only interchanged by God’s will, effort and doa’ (refer Versus, Hlovate). It’s true.
That God’s will depend on us. Tuhan takkan tolong hamba-Nya yang tak nak tolong diri dia sendiri. Which brings us to the first step of ‘driving-thru’ life.
First, ordering or making the choices. Let’s face it, as we live, it’s all about making choices. We’re paraded with a whole lot of choices, more than three boards of burgers can ever provide, and it’s up to us to choose. The good or the bad. The best or the worst. Choosing that depends on how far we believe God will help us. How many of our prayers will He answer? What should we do to make Him help us? What should we do so that He wants to help us? Over and over and over? It depends on the effort, the doa. The choice we finally make, the significant of each and every single one of it, will depend heavily on our effort, our prayers. And if He decides He wants to help us, He will hint the best choice deep in our hearts, insya Allah.
Then, we have to pay. Whatever choice we make, we will have to pay before we get to see the outcome. Paying is striving. We put out all that we have (in the case of McD, all that I had in my wallet that day, heh!) into it. Into what we want. It can be a struggle, sometimes or most of the time. And we may wonder whether we made the right choice. If God had helped us, we will be confident it is the right choice. If He hadn’t, there must be something lacking in our process of choosing earlier. So, we might have to go back. But notice that the drive-thru flow is a one-way street... Oh... no... we just have to plunge on.
Next, we get what we ordered. What we chose. Whatever we feel about the choices we’ve made, whatever we have to pay, we have to deal with it. Go ahead and take the outcome. Swallow it. Walau tak sedap macam mana pun, it’s already done. We’ve chosen, we’ve paid. A lot of efforts have been poured into it. So we just have to take it as it is.
Finally, we move on. Wherever we want to be, right or left or straight, we go on.
Then when we need to decide another thing, another occasion, another event, another whatever, we have to go back to the first kiosk. It’s a cycle. Ongoing cycle for life. Make choices, pay for it and swallow the outcome. The most important step is always the first one. The one when you stare at the menu, stare and pray and talk to yourself and talk to the steering wheel of the car and talk to the dashboard and talk to the radio deejay of whatever station you’re listening to and talk in your head over and over and over again, and make effort to gain help for the best choice by talking to Him and doing what He wants us to do. It’s not easy, making a choice. It’s the hardest step. But always remember His promise, sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.
Hm... That’s a lot you get from a drive-thru, huh? Yeah, I know. My imagination went into over-drive that day. But, see it this way, every single one of Allah’s creation, from the tiniest microbe to the largest galaxy, He creates them for a reason. For us, human being to learn and study. Because we are blessed with the one thing other creatures don’t have. Our mind that can think. Think. Even the idea of ‘drive-thru’ that He gave to some-whoever-it-was a long time ago is meant to teach us something. Something that we can apply in our daily lives.
So, here it is. My new, updated version of Metaphor of Life. The Drive-Thru. Just here to share. Thank you. Wallahualam.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

my weaknesses...

To whom this may be of concern... semua orang ada kelemahan. and this, sadly, is the list of mine...

  1. saya tak reti masak. dan bukan masak benda bombastik mana pun, masak nasi pun saya tak reti mana. and to make it even worse, saya MALAS nak masak. entah nak buat apa nak jadi rajin, tapi memang susah nak ke dapur untuk saja-saja nak masak. memang malu la bila tengok Junior Masterchef Australia, tapi still tak jadi rajin jugak. still tak belajar jugak.

  2. saya malas kemas rumah. kalau menyapu sekali seminggu tu kira rajin la tu. i hate the dust and the dirt, and when i clean i do it vigorously, but sadly, not frequently.

  3. saya manja. hahaha.. i admit it, that is so true. yang seronok bila duduk dengan mak ayah, they spoil me. beyond reason. and i take that to my best advantage. baju mak basuh, kadang-kadang pinggan makan pun mak basuh. bukan tak reti buat sendiri, tapi, yeah, manja.

  4. bila tengok cerita kegemaran atau baca buku kegemaran memang saya tune out everything else. mak ayah ajak bercakap pun kadang-kadang saya buat dunno je. teruk? yeah. dengar tak dengar je la apa yang dia orang cakap. kesian dia orang....

  5. saya suka berangan. make it KUAT berangan. especially time dengar lagu favorite, time melangut dalam toilet, time lepas dengar cerita best atau tengok cerita best. most of the time angan-angan tu boleh jadi diulang-ulang untuk berhari-hari, berbulan-bulan lamanya. especially if it involves a guy who falls (and to quote clay from one tree hill, season 7) insanely in love with me. macam-macam senario yang ada... sad-ending, happy-ending.. my imagination can leap all boundaries, seriously. hahaha... which brings me to the next weakness...

  6. i'm a hopeless romantic. ashamed to admit that, but it's true. stories i write would be proof enough, but that is another weakness i'll tell later. saya still nangis kalau tengok cerita Shah Rukh Khan yang sedih-sedih, akan berair mata bila tengok cerita yang touch my heart, baca cerita yang touch my heart, dengar lagu yang touch my heart. dan tak semestinya cerita romantik pun. I cried watching Seabiscuit for the hundredth time and if you think crying for a horse is a romantic, there's something wrong with you. heh!

  7. i'm paranoid. a bit insecure, maybe. i don't go through a day without thinking that somebody is displeased with me.

  8. when i look into the mirror, there are time i like what i see, there are time when i don't.

  9. saya ada blackheads, banyak, on my nose. hidden in pictures, but not so much when you look at me in the flesh. i hate them, and even more when people take notice, but then what the heck should i do? they want to be there.

  10. seeing weakness number 9, you should think that i'm not much of a girl who takes good care of her appearance. yeah, that is true too. i might be using one of the most expensive facial products in the market, but my compliance is poor. nak jimat satu hal, but most part of it is just because saya malas. haha...

  11. saya malas. that pretty much sums it all. saya malas buat benda yang saya patut buat, tapi rajin buat benda lain. a bit twisted, if you ask me.

  12. saya suka tidur. saya suka tidur lepas subuh (so not very good) and suka bangun lambat. dan saya malas bangun pagi.

  13. saya penakut. saya tulis cerita, finished quite a few, tapi still can't find the courage to submit for publishing. i have a publisher in mind, but i just can't get myself to do it. isk!

  14. saya takut katak pisang. fobia, actually. lipas tak sangat, tapi katak, yes.

  15. saya suka bercakap dengan teddies saya. entah la, lagi senang kut nak luahkan hati pada benda yang tak de respons, sebab dia tak boleh bagi respons yang kita tak nak. dengar je dengan muka blank. and oh, sometimes, i make them talk back to me. respons yang saya nak. haha... yup, psychiatric ward, here i come.

  16. saya suka lelaki pakai cap. tak tau kenapa. sebab mike shinoda pakai cap kut. and sebab abang-abang saya pun suka pakai cap (note the fact that my brothers come second to shinoda, hehe! sorry bros!)

  17. kids and babies. they are one of my weaknesses. it's just that there's something in the innocent look on their faces that make me want to shield them from the harshness of today's world, and feel helpless when i can't.

  18. saya tak suka iron baju, dan benda yang paling saya tak suka selepas tu adalah lipat baju. then jemur baju. basuh, hm... mesin yg buat, so no comment, heh!

  19. i'm jealous. kadang-kadang tak terkawal. jealous dengan kawan yang kahwin, sampai satu tahap i refuse to go to weddings. jealous dengan kawan yang dapat baby, but then babies are my soft spot, so i fall in love with them anyway.

  20. i curse. badly. okay, mungkin sekarang dah tukar la. shit jadi shoot, hell jadi heck, fu#$ jadi ffff, but still, i curse. bad mouth. bad, bad mouth.

  21. saya suka bawak kereta laju. heh, many people who know me would agree with me on that one without a blink of hesitation. hehe. susah benar nak let go of this one particular habit. it's the rush, i guess. and the fact that kalau saya tension, marah, upset, sedih, driving soothes me down. with the highest possible speed that i dare. and the loudest music that suits the current mood.

  22. saya terasa nak migrate ke negara lain. preferably Australia. i've been there, and i think i like the environment. the boundary is clear. nak jelaskan hukum kat sana mudah sebab bezanya jelas. putih, hitam, islam, bukan islam. tak gray macam kat sini. islam, islam tapi tak amalkan islam, bukan islam. kabur kenapa wujudnya islam yang tak amalkan islam dekat the so-called islamic country. and i want to escape the dirty, foul-mouthed and blue-minded politics too. sick and tired of it. at least kat negara orang, we can pretend ignorance. kat negara sendiri, it's a responsibility that i surely don't want to be heaved onto these incapable shoulders. so, escape. yeah, cowardice, i know. but then, better dari bersubahat dengan benda yang salah, tak ke gitu?

  23. apparently, i'm good at making people hate me. one obvious example, somebody hates me so much that he deleted the comment i made on his facebook status and made a comment about it on his NEXT status. hah! well, i guess, it's all for the best. better he hates me than me trying to force him into being someone he's not. just regretting that he's not accepting or realising my apology, that's all.

  24. i don't believe in love... okay, rephrasing that. i'm SCARED of love. being a hopeless romantic that i am, i can't say i don't believe in it, i'm just scared. of that particular emotion. i'm scared of loving someone so much, i forget to love Him. i'm scared if someone loves me and i can't live up to the expectation.

  25. i'm selfish. and sometimes i become too proud of myself of what i've achieved and scold myself after that for being such an arrogant (even only thinking or feeling it without showing it) person.

  26. hm... what else? setakat ni tu je yang boleh terfikir. banyak dah jugak tu. people who know me might be able to list more, i think. er... hehe...

it's possible to say that by listing my weaknesses and being aware of them is a kelebihan in itself. but then, that is just one kelebihan versus 25++ kelemahan. the numbers still say it all, huh?

now you know the deal. go run and scoot for cover. thank you for reading.

Friday, March 11, 2011


i woke up this morning and thought that i should write about this. i've been holding it up inside for so long, it felt like i was bursting. this morning i thought that was the last straw. i do have something to say about this. i do. when i opened the blogger just now, (which i haven't done for quite some time, so sorry for that), that burst abruptly died down. i felt nothing. staring at the page and feeling nothing. i felt like it was just a small matter, what's the use of saying it out loud here? i've been saying it over and over, still people won't take heed. what's the use of wasting an entry here? still, this is my blog, this is where i share my thoughts when i can't say them out loud verbally. so here it goes, again. damn.
stress. what is stress? some people say stress is good. but too much of it is bad. can make you sick and tired and eventually go crazy. many people, me included, have more stress at work than at home. home is where you rest, you relax, you expect it to be stress-free, and for me, Thank God, it still is. work? not so much.
seriously, i don't mind the work so much. i don't mind the fact that the level of work increases from day to day, everyday. i don't mind having to do new thing everyday. for me, more work, more things to learn. i truly believe that. i don't mind the lady boss exhausts me with more things to do, because i truly appreciate the knowledge that comes with it. what makes me sick and tired is the daily conversations we go through.
suddenly it's back to me being single when others around me are coupling around and procreating. suddenly it's the desperate issue on why i'm still single. suddenly i'm the stupidly-grinning sidekick whose master is desperate to find a partner for. suddenly i'm paraded around with a desperate question can-somebody-please-find-someone-for-her-and-quick-because-she's-not-that-young-anymore. suddenly i'm back as the unwanted listener to talks of marriages and babies and bedroom jumbo-mumbos. i seriously, seriously thought i got over that.
before this, i've come to learn to calm myself, to let go of all the jealousy and accept circumstances. before this, i've stopped being jealous because talks like those have ceased and slowed down. now, it's back in full swing, and i really feel like slamming door onto someone's face. anyone.
well, of course i don't do that. of course i just continue being my cheerful-self, stupidly making funny faces when talks of bedroom scenario falls into my ears, making outrageously dumb jokes when talks of married life comes to my hearing. of course i swallow it all, though it tastes very bitter to my throat, and keep on grinning like an idiot, which of course, i am. the idiot who can't seem to find someone for herself.
you have no idea how hard it was for me to overcome all this before. you have no idea how it feels like knowing everyone around me moves on beautifully with their lives while i'm still here, the idiot who got stuck. you. have. no. idea...
so now, i'm back at ground zero. and the twin tower of desperate questions are crashing straight down towards me with full speed.
one, i can say proudly, i evaded. only one. happened a few days ago, when the lady boss and a colleague of mine who just recently broken-up with her boyfriend and is 2 years younger than me were out having lunch. the lady boss asked The question: bila la korang ni nak dapat pakwe? i smilingly answered her: saya tak nak pakwe, lady boss, saya nak suami. kalau saya nak pakwe, dah lama kut dah ade. that got a smile on her face and she said: kenapa? tak layak? i just smiled and shook my head. bukan tak layak. it was never a matter of tak layak. it's not me who decide layak tak layak. who am i to decide that? i have my flaws too. everyone does. i'm not perfect and thus i can't decide layak ke tak layak.
it's more a matter of me being ready or not. it's a matter of the guy being the one i'm looking for or not. but of course i can't answer that to her. it won't be an easy task trying to explain to her all that. it won't be easy explaining to you what i'm looking for in a man. at times, i can't even explain it to myself. lack of experience might be one of the causes for that complication in deciding what i look for, but heck, what i lack in experience, i make up in observation. i observe people around me, something the lady boss scorn at, saying observing is not the same as experiencing. whatever. do i sound like i care?
so yeah, i never had a boyfriend, like i said, i never want to have a boyfriend. i never believe in couple, dating, whatever. i don't believe in love before marriage. i believe in love after marriage, something the lady boss scorn at too. i mean, what the heck is she having now, if not love after marriage? duh! anyway, you're free to think me old-fashioned, but that's what i hold on to, that's what i look for.
that's that. and then comes the talk about babies. so, yeah, i know about babies. i have 6 nieces and 3 nephews and 2 more on the way with gender still yet unknown. i doted on every single one of them when they were babies and still do when they are now grown-up. so, i know a bit here and there about kids. does that make me want to have children of my own? heck yeah! will that make me snatch any man around just to have those little ones to hold? heck no! so, please, don't act all weird when i say things about babies, or seem to be all-knowing about them. it's just that i truly know and i got that from experience, mind you. it's not easy being knowing and not sharing, so that's what i do. i share.
i'm happy when my friends have kids of their own, jealous even, but that does not make me desperate for a man. for me, having a baby is not just having something to cuddle and play with, i can do that with my teddies, really. having a baby is so much more. it's your responsibility to teach him/her to live. and the lives ahead as i see it, is not so easy anymore. you can't be satisfied by teaching them how and what to eat, what to read, how to behave. you have to teach them how to be the future leader in this world, which is so close to its end and huddled with so many distractions, so many damages and social corruptions. and since i don't think i'm strong or wise enough to teach little ones how to go through all that, i need a man who can. and not just any man can do that, right?
yes, i want a husband, not just a husband here, but hopefully, God willing, he will also be the husband in the hereafter. who can guide me and future generation if any, towards the life that lasts forever, in the hereafter. that is this humble person's ambition all along. is it so wrong to have that kind of ambition? is it wrong to aim far down the road, towards the end and beyond it? is it wrong for a girl like me to have more purposes in life than just trying to settle down with a family? is it wrong for a girl like me to be cautious? my purpose is the future. i don't settle. i have ambition to help the future, as long as God gives me ability to breathe. and if i'm destined to do it alone, so be it. if there is someone to help me along the way, God willing, i'll be grateful.
do i sound like an idiot to you now? for wanting all that and having to wait a wee bit longer since it's a lil' bit difficult to find such a someone who can help me get through these days of distractions, damages and social corruptions? for wanting the future of the garden in the hereafter, not the fire?
just please, idiot or no idiot, i've had enough. please, please, pretty please (i'm asking nicely now), please STOP asking, STOP talking, STOP promoting about things beyond your control. please. before i go crazy. before i ask you twice. because then, it won't be nice anymore.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Lessons we can learn from A Walk to Remember

I’m sure many of you have watched A Walk to Remember, the movie. Many also have read the book, written by Nicholas Spark. Watching the poignant story came to life is quite a memorable thing, added with such a compelling pair of leads. The movie is full of lessons, really. Here are some I personally gathered...
1. You never can judge a book by its cover. You never can judge a person by his/her appearance, or his/her surroundings and circle of friends. There is such a thing called benefit of the doubt. However bad a person is, and however wrong his choice of friends is, his heart might be good. Peer pressure pressed Landon to be friends with the naughty group, but his good heart still compelled him to save and apologize to that boy, whom was so eager to be in that group.
2. Jealousy is a bitter thing. Especially when you’re the bad one jealous of someone who is good, and because of it you do something bad to that good person. No good thing can come your way. Belinda’s aim from distributing the corrupted picture of Jamie was to get Landon back. Well, she got that scornful look from him, and that’s it. He never looked back again.
3. Even that movie was almost ten years ago, there was already the technology of corrupting or in nicer word, editing a picture. And that was Kodak pictures, not even digital ones yet. As the years gone by, we were introduced with digital cameras and digital everything. Editing pictures are only a click away. Lesson to ponder here, girls, is that even then, more than five years ago, people can do whatever to your pictures. What about now? Yup. People can do more. Technology advances, and so does people wicked intention. Be careful what you post on the net, whatever pictures, whatever videos. You don’t want your face to be plastered on that corrupted flyers (or in these years, everywhere on the net) like Jamie’s did.
4. There is such a thing called courtesy, and courting. Not many men use those these days. There is a proper manner in asking a girl out, even for Christians, as shown in the movie when Landon went to see the Reverend to ask Jamie out. Well, how many guys do that these days? Asking the parent for permission to date the daughter? We, Muslims are not supposed to date. But, even so, we do have the proper manner in asking a girl for her hand in marriage. By asking her wali, her parents or her guardian. How many Muslimin do that these days? Forget Facebook, forget sms, forget phone calls, those are not, and I repeat ARE NOT the proper channels for you to propose, however romantic you do it. Doing it the proper way shows your love and respect for the girl. The aim is for a lifetime, ladies and gentlemen, and not for just a few passionate moments. It’s no wonder when we hear people got divorced through sms and phone calls so easy these days, they might propose through those methods too, before!
5. Talking about parents, this movie teaches something about parenting too. About the scar a parent left to his kid when he walked away. It lasted for years. It’s not an apparent scar you see on your skin, but it’s the scar which hurts the most. Scar on your heart. But then, at the end of the day, your parents are still your parents. No matter how hard, or how hurtful it got, or how grown-up you’ve become, once in a while you do need that loving hug from your parents, those strong shoulders to cry on. I didn’t shed a tear throughout the movie except for the scene when Landon hugged his father tight and cried his heart out after finding out that the old man was willing to pay for Jamie’s home care. That was for me, the saddest, most poignant moment in the movie.
6. We can learn a lot from other people thoughts and opinions, no matter how shallow or dumb they might seem to be. Take that quote from Dolly Parton, for example; ‘know who you are, and do it on purpose’. That was nice, and brilliant too. And surprisingly came from someone whom we thought never could get pass that blob of yellow hair of hers. She does have a lot more quotes we can ponder upon and be amazed of actually. Collecting quotes from famous people and quotes that are meaningful have been one of my hobbies for years. And I learned a lot from it. You should try it too.
7. Besides quotes, I’m also a sucker for good lyrics. I don’t do sappy love songs, but I appreciate meaningful lyrics, the one that can touch your heart in a lot of ways you can possibly imagine and last long. Everlasting words, evergreen songs, whatever term you use. And A Walk to Remember movie has one heck of a soundtrack. The best thing about this movie is, it is in a way religious. Stop for a while and ponder the lyrics for the song Only Hope which Mandy Moore’s character, Jamie sang in the play. And analyze the lyrics for Learning to Breathe, sung by Switchfoot. These songs are not dedicated to a lover. The lyrics are dedicated to Him. The Creator.
8. We learn something deeper from the movie too. Jamie’s dream was to witness a miracle. We learnt from the movie that the miracle was Landon. This shows that a miracle to each and everyone of us does not need to be by seeing a rocket flying out through our window, or encountering aliens, or watching comets. A miracle is deeper. More mysterious. It’s in us. And too many times, it’s in front of us, but we refuse to see it for what it is. For Landon to fall in love with Jamie and changed to be a much better person was so out-of-place, that it became a miracle. Think about that, and reflect back. What happened in your life that you thought wasn’t possible, but it happened anyway? That is your miracle. If it’s good, be grateful for it. If it’s not, it is still a miracle, because in a way, anything bad that happens to us teaches us to be stronger, and that is miracle in its truest form.
9. Well, yeah, I said the movie is a bit religious. It’s about keeping faith. And for those who have lost it, it’s about finding it. It’s not that easy to find, because you can’t see it. You can only feel it. You will feel it when you believe it. For us, Muslim, we have a strong guidance. We have our holy Quran. Believe in it because it can never be changed or corrupted, that is His promise. Believe in Him, believe in the Prophet, believe in the Book, you’ll be fine.
10. Last but not least, of course, the movie teaches us about love. Love between lovers, love between parents and their children, love between friends. The sacrifice it takes, the fairness, the tears and laughter, the lesson to be good, it’s all there. So, here’s the famous quotes about love, taken from the movie, you remember it;
“Our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I feel it.”
And then, there’s also the list of what love actually is, quoted in the movie, taken from the Bible.
“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous,
Love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.
Love does not come to an end.”
And these, are the benefits that I get from the movie, and the quotes along the story. :)