Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lackluster Life...

There’s a fire burning,
Inspired you to words,
There’s a wave curling,
Brought you back up to stand.

There’s a highway,
Enthused you with speed,
There’s a drama,
Ignited you up from sleep.

It’s been a while now…

There’s a leaf falling,
Captivating you,
Yet you don’t wonder where it can possibly land,
Your eyes only follow its boring flight.

There’s a sad song in your head,
Forced tears in your eyes,
Yet you refuse to wake up to reality,
Caught in the impossible dreams, you foolishly created.

It’s been a while now and you wonder…

How you fill your days with work you don’t enjoy,
How you fill your nights with thoughts you can’t say,
How ever can you stand such a routine?
How ever can you lead such a lackluster life?
How ever did you land here in the first place?

It’s been a while now…

There you are,
With an idol to look up to,
But you spoil the chance of awakening,
By falling in love with that image, that idol so far away.

There you are,
With hopes so high upon the stars,
Dreams so lost, you give up on achieving,
You lose in the game of determination, before you even start to compete with him.

It’s been a while now…

There you were,
Inspired by a fire burning, a wave calling,
Formed words so true to heart,
So brave and determined to fight a boring flight of life.

There you were,
Caught in the race for success,
Laughed and cried through the way,
So ignorant of boredom, when you’re so full of life.

It’s been a while now and…

Once in a while you remember,
That speed on the highway,
That drama when you’re awake,
Once in a while you wonder,
Where that leaf might fall,
When might your life be filled again with luster?

Penned by: Rodhiah Rahman, 150508…
wow, wee, i'm all about poems these days, aren't i? hehe... this one i wrote, yup, you got it, in 2008. i was already working at that time, doing practical. during our practical, we had to be attached at several units at the hospital and at the enforcement unit where we were exposed to the work of drug enforcement officer. at this time when i wrote this poem, i was attached at the enforcement unit. Most of the time we were here, it’s either we were out checking people’s licenses or retails’ licenses or unregistered drugs or we were stuck at the office, doing practically nothing. In this case when i wrote this poem, it was the latter. Usually when we were stuck here, we switched on our laptops, did assignments or reports and surfed the net, thanks to the wireless available. At that time, i was too bored, too... empty... i guess, to even think of doing those. And suddenly i came up with this poem.
Basically it was about boredom. How at that point of time, i found nothing interesting whatsoever with my life. How i have this dream of doing something in my life that is not what i’m doing everyday for a living. A dream career. Something totally different, totally off the course of clinical. Something unexpected, but exciting and creative and open my mind broader. Just something else to bring back the light to my life. I didn’t find it then. But i found ways to overcome my boringness, with work and chats with friends. That was then.
This is now. The reason i dig back this poem is because i’m back at that point again. At that point of boredom. Only this time i found the ‘something totally different’ that i’ve been searching to do. The only problem is i lost interest in what i actually do for a living, and concentrated more on this dream of mine which is not even that sure to be realized someday. And in doing so, i neglected my duties, i took my day job for granted, moreover when i have an increase of staff, i passed around work, i surfed the net and chatted with friends online unnecessarily and at some point when suddenly my responsibility as an officer called for a solution from a mistake done by I-don’t-even-know-who, i raised a voice to a staff which made her cry. Something I regret now and will regret for the rest of my life.
I would have gone on, being bad, if not for friends who woke me up from this nightmare i didn’t even realize i had. Because they had started to talk behind my back. And that was never good. That was nightmare. People won’t talk good things about you behind your back. I learned that the hard way a looong time ago. It would always be bad things. Good things they always say face-to-face. Compliments. Kissing a%$es, whatever. I never like compliments, anyway. And i don’t like people talking behind my back too. So, it’s better to just don’t talk about me at all, huh?
But this time, it was me who did wrong. So, basically, i digged this poem again. Something to make me realize, i’ve been there before. I’ve been bored, empty, clueless, hopeless to what my life is directing me to. I’m slowly learning to go to the right direction, but even so, i realize now, i can’t neglect the ones i’ve been doing along the way. Like the old saying; ‘jangan nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran’. So true.
I hurt people with my sharp tongue, oh yeah, that i did. I tried so hard not to, though. Most of the times, i’ll just be making jokes. That’s my way to restrain myself from being sharp, from talking bad about people. I make jokes only in three conditions. First, when i really like making them, when i sincerely want to listen to my friends laugh. Second, when i’m not comfortable with what people are talking around me. Third, when i don’t like the topic people are discussing around me, at all. And the third situation happened a lot at work. Talks of married life, pregnancies somehow drained my energy, because i’m not there yet. And because, deep down, there’s jealousy eating inside me. So yeah, i made jokes, sarcastic sometimes, and i grew lazier and lazier to work. And my mind focused more on the dream i’m trying to achieve, to distract me from those endless talks.
But then, along the way of realizing my dream, i come closer to God. And slowly that jealousy slipped away. Slowly, because there still is a bit of it inside. It’s a good vibe, though. You do need a bit of jealousy to keep you going. Jealous of kind people, will make you try to be kind too. Jealous of successful people will make you try to be successful too. If you take it the right way, do it the right way, with Allah’s guidance. And also i realized, i can’t be improving my relationship with God only, i have to improve my relationship with human too, with people. Habluminallah and Habluminannas. We can’t have either one. We have to take care of both. I realize that now. And that’s what i’m trying to do, now.
Like so many things in life, it works both ways. There’s a balance on everything we do, i realize that now. You can’t concentrate too much on one work, while neglecting the other which is most of the time more important, however lack in luster it is. So, i’m trying to remedy that. And in doing so, slowly the light will come back. I trust it will. It does already, bit by bit. I no longer feel trapped to go to work everyday, no longer feel frustrated, bored even, so that is saying something, isn’t it? :)

My mother's hands...

Those were the first thing that I saw,
When they touched my face,
Caressed my heart,
And smoothed my hair,
My mother’s hands…

Those that held me close when I cried,
That fed me to be who I am today,
That drew me close for a hug,
That touched me soft for a laugh,
My mother’s hands…

Those that pulled me upright when I fell,
That taught me how to count,
That guided me how to button my dress,
That showed me life,
And a whole thing inside it,
My mother’s hands…

Those that I miss when I’m alone at night,
I miss their warmth,
I miss their softness,
I miss their gentle touch,
My mother’s hands…

Those that I kiss,
For support and strength,
For guidance and lesson,
For love and assurance,
My mother’s hands…

Those are the most beautiful thing I ever seen,
I ever touched,
I ever known,
My mother’s hands…

Rodhiah Rahman 060904…

well, this is supposed to be posted on mother's day, but then my mind was preoccupied with something else that day, so i kinda forgot. heh. anyway, i wrote this a while ago, actually. that was the exact date, sixth of september 2004. i couldn't really remember why i wrote this in the first place, but i suspected this was written when i was away studying, 2004 marked the second year i was in college, so i suspected this was written when i was homesick and missing home and missing my mom. :)
i guess it's something to be shared, eh? i mean we went through the same stages in our life. along the way, there's always that pair of hands guiding us along. our mothers'. yeah, we had our moments. we had those times when we thought we could stand on our own, those times when we thought we were old enough to go through without those hands to pull us upright if we fell. those times when we secretly said in our mind, just leave me alone and let me be. let me make my mistakes. and yeah, we did make mistakes. but then, those hands always come to guide us back where we should be, where it's right to be. however big that mistake can be.
there are times when u give them the silent treatment, when they give u the silent treatment. how it hurt like @#$% when both things happen. i still remember that time when i got trasferred to a district hospital quite far from home. i was fine with it. i was during that phase when i said, yes, finally, i got to stand on my own two feet. but, then my mother gave me the silent treatment. the longest i ever remembered. and during that time, i found myself crying with no reasons at all, just the tears slowly trickling down, most times, unexpectedly. until she started to speak to me again, then i began to smile again, those tears gone. just like that.
so then, i came to realize, no matter how hard you try to prove to yourself that you're grown up, you're independent, deep inside there's still that little child inside you who'll always need your mother. who'll always need that pair of life-worn hands.
Hadith Sahih Muslim narrated Abu Huraira who reported a person said; 'Allah's messenger, who amongst the people most deserving of my good treatment?' Rasulullah s.a.w said; 'your mother, again your mother, again you mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).'
Rasulullah repeated 'mother' three times as the person most deserving of our good treatment. then, barulah father. that's how important, how high, how noble a mother is to a muslim. for ladies, when they're married, the role is transferred to their husbands. their husbands are the person most deserving of their good treatments as long as the husbands obeyed Allah's rules. but for men, its' still their mothers. the rule doesn's change for them.
so men and unmarried ladies, appreciate your mothers, please. go to them, kiss them, kiss their hands and ask for their forgiveness. because even a word 'huh!' you said to them made you unworthy of paradise. yes, you may make mistakes. yes, you may lose your temper. but don't ever forget to ask for their forgiveness. because only their forgiveness will earn you God's forgiveness.
for those who lost your mothers, it's okay. there's always a prayer. doa. pray hard for them. pray for their forgiveness from God, for their souls to be placed in the holiest place, close to Him. A prayer is always the best gift you can give anyone. dead or alive. here and hereafter.
so, well, yeah, i'm still living with my parents. at times i do feel restrained, i do feel trapped. but then, i remembered one person at an optometrist shop said to me, i'm lucky to still be living with my parents, because i have the chance to take care of them the way they took care of me when i was little. thinking back, she was right. not many peole were given that chance. to give back what was given to them unconditionally long, long time ago. so, in a way, i'm actually lucky.
and yeah, i'm very lucky to still have someone to wash my clothes and prepare me dinner everytime i got back from work too, heh! :)
i guess, they are still taking care of me eh? not yet the other way around? hehehe... :P

Monday, May 17, 2010


One very, very bored friend asked me to write about this. At the risk of increasing the intensity of her boredom, i still comply. U have time to run away, skip, logoff, pangkah, whatever.
So, here goes. To the rest of u who still want to get bored. Pharmacy. What does it represent, you ask me.. well, let me ask u, what comes to mind when you see that word?
Guardian? Watson? Supplement? Medicines? Tukang bagi ubat kat spital?
Yup. All correct.
But, the fact that we have to study for 4 years for this must be saying that it is not that simple. Not to us who have to tonggang-tonggek belajar selok-belok, atas-bawah, kiri-kanan, belakang-depan, utara-selatan-timur-barat-baratdaya-baratlaut-tenggara-timurlaut pasal ubat-ubatan ni.
So, benda pertama yang dipelajari back in our first year was that pharmacy is divided into four categories. Clinical pharmacy which is our tukang bagi ubat dekat hospital, retail pharmacy which is our tukang bagi ubat dekat guardian, Watson, or any pharmacies out there, industrial pharmacy which is our tukang buat ubat dekat kilang-kilang buat ubat mana yang ada kat Malaysia ni, and academia pharmacy which is our teachers dekat university yang kena mengajar kat kita org yang baru nak mengenal farmasi ni. That was first year. Going past second and towards third and forth year, we were enforced to go deeper into only one category of pharmacy, which is clinical pharmacy. Which is where i’m currently working rite now.
Yup, wow, u’re such a good student. Hospital pharmacy. U got that one rite, heh!
So, to be honest, i did think, back when i was a naive first year student, that pharmacy in the hospital was just strictly giving medicines to people. I was wrong. Boy, i was way wrong. That is the job description for dispenser, or we now call, pharmacist assistant. For me, a pharmacist, a bachelor grad, the job description is wider, broader, and way more complicated than just thrusting pills at people.
So, okay, to go a lil’ bit into the details. Hospital pharmacy has to handle supply of medicines to people, true, and also to wards and other units like the emergency department and there’s also a pharmacist at the main store of a hospital to approve purchasing of the medicines and the supply to the said units including pharmacy unit.
Talking of supplying medicines, we don’t merely supply. We have to make sure what we supply is correct. I mean, we’re talking about people’s lives here. The risk is high. So, in order to do that, pharmacist plays a big role. Pharmacists have to check the medicines are given correctly, saying it simply, kena pastikan dos, berapa banyak kali kena bagi, sebab nak bagi ubat tu in the first place, all of those kena betul. Takkan tak de kuman, nak kena bagi antibiotic kut, betul tak? (although, this is practised widely under the false pretense of precaution). Kena jugak check side effects dia, boleh tak patient tu tolerate ubat tu... things like that. And that is a wholla a lot of work. Because there a wholla lot of patients and a wholla lot of medicines. Memang dulu waktu belajar, jenuh korek ruang dalam otak nak menghafal nama-nama ubat ni. Hampeh, tak ingat pun! Bila kerja, duk tengok tu je hari-hari, baru la lekat nama ubat, dos dia, frekuensi dia, side effects dia mana yang common. Tu pun tak la semua. Baru kerja tak sampai 3 tahun, weh!
Back to pharmacists. Pharmacists jugak kena check kandungan sesetengah jenis ubat tu cukup ke tak, ke lebih ke, ke kurang ke dalam tubuh badan seseorang pesakit tu. It’s called the Therapeutic Drug Monitoring unit, to be specific. Sebab ada ubat yang kalau lebih, boleh buat bahaya kat organ dalam badan pesakit. So, kena check selalu. Dan nak menge’check’ tu, kena kira pakai formula yang memang waktu belajar dulu made me feel like throwing the book out of the window. Serabut, berselirat dengan symbol pelik-pelik, entah apa-apa. Tapi, sekarang bila dah kerja, slow-slow, boleh terima, fuh! :)
Pharmacists jugak kena bagi kaunseling kat pesakit yang makan terlampau banyak ubat. Kut ada interaksi ke, lawan-lawan perang ke ubat tu dalam badan nanti. Kena jugak cerita macam mana nak guna sesetengah jenis ubat, macam insulin untuk pesakit diabetes, yang ada kena guna pen untuk cucuk ubat tu. Pesakit lelah yg guna inhaler. Kena ajar dia orang macam mana nak guna properly.
Pharmacists and pharmacist assistant jugak yang kena prepare ubat antikanser, yang cara penyediaannya kena dalam environment yang terkawal, sebab ubat ni special sikit. Fungsinya nak matikan sel-sel kanser, tapi ada jugak sel-sel badan yang boleh dibunuhnya. So, orang yang nak membuatnya ni kena la pakai apa-apa safety precaution equipment yang patut. Untuk mengelak badan terkena harmful side effects like that.
Heh, apa lagi? Ada yang dah dozed off ke? :)
Hm, tu basically what we do at the hospital. We also have ward pharmacists now, kerja kat wad, ikut doktor round and bincang dengan doktor treatment apa yang paling bagus untuk seseorang pesakit. Bidang ni memang ramai pharmacists yang gerun sikit (including me, heh!).. sebabnya, takut nak borak dengan doktor. Hah! Padahal, doktor tak cucuk pharmacist pun, cucuk patient je.. hehe... tapi, ye la.. it’s the stigma... feeling intimidated tu memang ada... selagi tak confident enough, tak cukup ilmu dan pengalaman, memang akan macam tu. Especially apabila berdepan dengan doktor pakar. Maunya malam tu tonggang-tonggek study dulu apa yang patut.
Besides that, we also have management side. Kerja buat kajian la, buat laporan la, bagi maklumat ubat-ubatan kat orang yang bertanya la. Tapi kalau nak citer bab yang tu, yang dozed off tadi terus terkulai pengsan kut, mana yang belum dozed off, selamat dah start bermimpi. Heh!
So, tu dekat hospital. Dekat retail, basically buat benda yang sama jugak. Jual ubat. Bagi kaunseling mana yang perlu kaunseling. Uruskan purchasing atau pembelian macam pharmacist yang jaga stor kat hospital.
Dan semua ni kena buat according to the laws. Banyak tau laws berkaitan ubat-ubatan ni. Jenuh jugak nak menghafal klausa-klausanya dulu. Yang ada dengar kat TV selalu, Akta Dadah Merbahaya la apa la tu pun pernah jugak kita orang tonggang-tonggek kena menghafal perenggan apa cakap apa. Huh? Apa dia? Sekarang ingat lagi ke?
Of course not! Heh!
Bercakap pasal law, ada jugak pharmacists yang kerja dekat law enforcement office. Kejar drug pusher, jadi spy siasat mana-mana tempat yang jual ubat tak berdaftar, check lesen, menyamar beli ubat Viagra, lepas tu tangkap orang yang menjual tu. Heh, it sounds fun, ey? Yeah...
It comes with a price, though. First, kena belajar basic. Yang memang Tuhan je yang tau jerih payahnya. Yang sometimes bila kerja, tak guna pun basic tu, sebab belajar pulak benda lain altogether different. Second, deal dengan nyawa orang. Memang la doktor yang first line deal with patients ni, tapi kalau tersilap... uih, nauzubillah... Third, deal dengan orang. Bukan senang. Pelbagai ragam. Tu nak kata orang yang jadi pelanggan di hospital. Belum lagi orang yang buat salah laku jenayah jual ubat entah apa-apa kat luar sana. Forth, deal dengan the risk of being bribed. Ye la, nama lagi ubat. Benda yang memang orang perlu kalau dah sakit. Dan bukan orang yang sakit macam sakit jantung, darah tinggi je perlu ubat. Orang sakit ‘lain’ pun konon perlu jugak. Dan orang yang jadi pharmacists ni la yang bahaya kalau didatangi ‘orang-orang’ yang nak ubat tak legal macam ni.
Heh, so, still interesting to you? Maybe... it is to me, now that i explain it like this.. hm... maybe, i am cut-out for this after all, ey? However i try to say it otherwise before? Maybe...
angah? satisfied? :P

Saturday, May 1, 2010

my poor Baby White... :(

okay, first of, i don't have a baby. and no, it's not a name for a pet, either. and not of a stuffed toy too.

Baby White is actually the name for my car. yeah, yeah, i named my car, baby... is that a crime? i even named my laptop Baby Blue, so go figure.
Back to Baby White.
here's a pic of it... i don't even know why i blocked the plate number. safety precaution, i guess...

this pic was taken by a friend of mine whom i met after five or six years of not seeing each other. and he took this pic with a wide grin on his face, saying: " lawo la keta mu, rodie."
yeah, yeah, lawo-lawo la. here's Baby White now...

look at that cute chubby cheeks yang dah broken... isk...

this happened on 27th april 2010, a few days ago. i was on my way back from secret recipe, buying cake for one of the staff at work who's just been trasferred to a different department. i was driving not at my usual speed, kira slow la sebab kat depan tu traffic light tengah lampu merah, so rilek je, when suddenly this satria from my left tetiba gatal nak buat uturn, x tgk side mirror, and bam! i hit him! hard! i didn't even know if i braked or accelerated in my shock, but i heard me screaming to myself and still at that time i remembered about the cake and my hand flew about trying to save it from skidding down to the floor of the car... it did not fall of, but then, the cake tetap penyek jugak... :(

some smoke came about after the crash, so one of the pakcik witnessing the accident asked me to pull over and cut the engine. i got out of the car and this was the sight that greeted me...

isn't that the saddest sight u ever behold? isk... :(

okay, i might be a tad overboard with drama, here...

i'm still grateful, though. Alhamdulillah, i'm fine. and the other driver's fine too. and he seems nice enough. x tau la kut lepas ni nak kena handle insurans apa segala, he won't be nice anymore. hope, he's not like that.

so, i spent the rest of the day until almost 8.30 pm in the night dealing with police report. and i took the next day off (emergency leave, actually), taking my baby to the hospital. oh, okay, sorry, i take it to the hospital everyday since i work in a hospital (duh, tepuk dahi!), what i meant here is, i took it to the workshop (the hospital for cars). and the perodua agent said it might take a month to fix Baby White! A Month! how am i going to live on for a month without my baby?!

oh, okay, melodramatic again... (sheepish grin)

but then, seriously... susah juga, kena pergi kerja guna kereta abah... dah lama wira tu tak jalan jauh, cuak jugak terasa.. ummi and abah pun jadinya tak de transport la every weekdays, kesian.. tapi x tau dah nak buat apa lagi... setakat ni, Alhamdulillah, wira tu boleh cope, ummi and abah pun okey je... :(

kesian pergi tengok Baby White the next day, dia duduk kat tengah-tengah padang dikelilingi all other shiny brand new peroduas... mesti dia rasa inferior dengan pipinya yang dah pecah... :(

okay, okay, dramatic again.. mana la kereta ada perasaan, ye idak? but still, it's my baby. my first ever car... of course, i'll be a little bit carried away with sadness... :(

Pray everything will be fine in the end... one good thing came out of this, though. i got to listen to my old collection of cassettes again, since abah's car boleh dengar kaset, bukan cd... ihih... lawak pulak terasa... anyway, as a reminder... whatever happens ada hikmahnya... ni Tuhan nak tunjuk... nothing we created is perfect... and people make mistakes tak kira masa, tak kira tempat... even when cautious, accident can happen, so, be careful... a reminder for u and me, okay... :)

still, i miss it so, so much!! Aila, Baby White, cepat-cepat la baik!!!