It's been a while...

Yeah, i know...
It's been a while since i last wrote. Actually, it's been a while since i last 'visited' here. I guess i got scared. Scared of reading old posts and finding myself with tears. That's it. I was scared.
But somehow today, i finally stopped here. Read back a few posts randomly and read a few blogs i followed, catching up on their news.
And then i'm not scared anymore.
Things have changed a lot since the last time. Moving on isn't easy but i find myself doing that every day. Day after day after day...
Things around me have changed. Improved, even.
I've walked out of my comfort zone starting last december and here i am at a new workplace. Actually, an old-become-new workplace. I've worked here before. But being a junior and senior has its differences...
I even find myself with a new profession starting early february.. The thing that i could not even find the courage to tell u . I finally did it.
I published a book. Alhamdulillah...
I'll tell u all about it on the next post, okay? :)

Books into movies or dramas

P/s: err... I know. Bad handwriting. Hanging mid-babble. (i'm talking about the pic down under which supposed to be up here. Oh, well...) Here's what i was actually babbling about;
So, i just recently watched Ombak Rindu last night. Granted, i didn't go to the movies, but someone uploaded the full movie on facebook so i watched it. Haha!
And i understood the writer's dissappoinment in it.
I don't remember when i actually read the book, let alone its storyline. I just remember i skipped quite a few pages. Too emotional for me. But, that's what moves you when reading. The authors' abilities to describe emotions. However, nothing moved me last night when i watched the movie.
I think it is rather insulting to us writers, either the struggling ones (like me) or the accomplished ones (like ombak rindu's author) when the story we put so much efforts into (YOU HAVE NO IDEA) to be portrayed on screen with such careless ways.
I think the only stories quite successfully be transformed into movies were the Harry Potter series. Even then, there were some parts in the movies that the audiences won't understand if they didn't read the books. That i observed from my own experiences having to answer my nephew's continuous questions after we watched the last part of the franchise. But then, maybe that's the whole idea. People who haven't yet read the books, when they watched the movies might want to begin reading them. More profit to the author.
Sadly for me, though, i didn't feel like reading Ombak Rindu again after i watched the movie last night. And that is pretty upsetting if you're the writer. Imagine that.
Even if (or to be more positive, even WHEN) i get the chance to publish my stories, i don't ever want them to be translated into movies or dramas.
We write stories, we put our hearts and souls into it, we breathe our hopes into it to be meaningful to someone. To be something someone can learn from.
Making books into movies or dramas is a big responsibility. HUGE. don't look down on it. Do not belittle the ideas behind the stories. Some small scenes in books might mean big thing to someone. Especially the writers.
Do not sidesweep the author. You don't have her/his brain.

Me these days...

Seadanya... being the operative word

A conversation occured just now in a session in ustazah pilihan when the finalists went to thailand and interviewed a few couples who got married there for various reasons... (words slightly changed, i can't remember the exact words they said):
"Finalist ustazah: jadinya kenapa anda berdua berkahwin di sini, tidak di malaysia?
Lelaki: isteri pertama saya tak bagi.
(he was suspiciously young, probably still in midtwenties).
Perempuan: ibu bapa saya x restu. Kami dah berkawan 7 tahun, tapi mereka x tau kami menjalankan hubungan yang serius. Bila kami nak kahwin, mereka x bg. Apatah lagi bila mereka tau dia dah beristeri.
Finalist ustazah: apa perancangan kamu nanti? Adakah akan terus merahsiakan perkahwinan ini?
Perempuan: kami akan bagitau, slow2 pada ibu bapa. Saya nak family saya terima suami saya 'seadanya'."
There.
Seadanya. The word sounds simple enough, thrown in so commonly in conversations, i don't think people saying it even know what it really means.
'aku sayang dia, aku rela terima dia seadanya'.
'aku harap family aku boleh terima dia seadanya. Aku sayang sangat kat dia walaupun dia jahat macam tu'.
S.E.A.D.A.N.Y.A.
What does it really mean, anyway?
Seadanya atau untuk dienglishkan, accepting he/she as he/she is. Romantically viewed as loving someone so great you accept everything about him/her, flaws and goodness all in one.
But, in view of above situations, i personally think that being that romantic, using the word 'seadanya' operatively, can cause your life, blind you with witless passion and turn your back on your own parents, whose blessings are His Blessings. And so, when you turn your back on our Creator's Blessings, what will you get in your life?
I'm afraid it will be nothing but suffering and corruptions of both, marriage and family institutions, which happen so commonly nowadays, it's frightening.
Think about that before you say words so easily said without actual meaning. Choose wisely the words to say, choose wisely who do you want to spend the rest of your life with. Think. That's all i ask. Wallahualam.

Things i realised this year...

Okay, i know it has not really been a year yet, with december still 2 days in coming, but well, the idea to write this came to mind when i was speeding through the road from work today, and it's pretty overwhelming then so i decided to just do it. Write it. So, here goes...
Things i realised this year:
1. I'm still not good at voicing out my opinions in details, verbally, i mean. I might get it out in 1 or 2 sentences, then someone said something, and i'll just back away. Yeah, yeah, i could still write them here, i know, clever you, but then not everyone read the junks i wrote here. So it goes without saying that i'm not outspoken, i'm just really, spoken-out. Hey, you got a new vocab there... Hahaha..
2. It's getting hard to update this blog. Heh! As you perhaps noticed it has been a while since i wrote in here, and i'm still keeping true to my principle. I tend to write things that are beneficial to me and to you, readers, because i don't see this blog as my diary or journal where i might write everything that happens to me everyday, i see it as a place for me to speak up, obviously not verbally, as you read in number 1, that i'm still not good at. So this is the tool i use to let you in into what i'm thinking, which isn't a lot lately, hence the lack of updates.
3. I still haven't found the courage to do what i want to do the most. I don't even have the guts to tell you what it is, let alone actually do it, God help me.
4. I like everything that rhymes. To think that i've been writing poems since form five, i should have realised by then that i like rhymes. But i just realised it this year, ten years later (good God, how time flies!). The way i just subconsciously smile when listening to raps or songs or words someone say that rhymes, or reading lyrics or poems or quotes that rhymes. I just love it.
5. It does hurt inside when a friend unfriended you on facebook, how ever ridiculous you believed it to be then, it does, trust me. Well, i guess, i deserved it.
6. I usually find myself trapped in useless conversations and i can't find a way out.
7. I'm such a spoiled, selfish brat. Ha! Actually i realised that a looong time ago and still i haven't improved. :p
8. As a methadone pharmacist, it's actually a good da'wah opportunity. The fact that these patients who come to us everyday, many of them vulnerable, quite a few who really intend to change for the better and all of them are lost. With the right way we can actually help to guide these people to the right path. And there's a bounty of rewards for that, insya Allah. Ironically i realised that AFTER i've passed the job over to a colleague of mine. Heh. May Allah help her and us to use that opportunity to the very best of our abilities. Ameen. :)
10. I'm actually a deep-thinker, but i hardly show it.
11. My eeman is at the lowest level of low. The weakest. Take my recent trip to langkawi, for example. There i was with my friends accompanied by a few college girls on a boat trip. And the girls, young as they are, were busy taking pics, with one girl in particular doing every pose possible with our male navigator watching with a broad smile on his face and occassionally, laughingly encouraging her on. Seeing the clothes the girl was wearing God knows what was playing in the man's mind. I knew it was wrong, i knew it right then that it is wrong for women to do things that can attract men. Exposing your 'aurat, doing seductive poses, even talking in too-soft a tone, to say a few. I knew it, but i didn't say anything. Didn't do anything. I just sat there, watching her, sometimes smiling to cover my awkwardness and there were times when i did laugh along with them. What a weak, weak person i was.
'Dari Abu Sa’id Al-Khudri RA dia berkata : Aku mendengar Rasulullah SAW bersabda :
“Barang siapa di antara kalian melihat suatu kemungkaran hendaklah ia mengubah dengan tangannya; jika tidak mampu, maka dengan lisannya; jika ia masih tidak mampu, maka dengan hatinya dan itu adalah selemah-lemahnya iman.” (HR. Muslim)'.
At that time i could only say it in my heart. The weakest of eeman. Me being the person who has the say-your-opinion-verbally problem. Go figure. Still trying to upgrade my eeman, insya Allah. Pray for me...
12. I might not be able to fall in love with a man, for the rest of my life. And i'm actually okay with it. Whatever people around me say. In my quest to find the one love that matters, it slowly dawns on me that that love can actually be the ONLY love that matters. His love. What more fullfilling for a creation than to love and be loved by her Creator? :)
So, there goes. I can't find it in my head what more to add... Heed whatever is beneficial, ignore the rest. Thank you.

Testing mobile blogging

Dengan ini diisytiharkan saya sudah menginstall kemudahan utk blogging secara mobile. Cuba untuk mengisi kekosongan. Mungkin dgn mobile blogging macam ni, blog ni akan lebih mudah diupdate. Walaupun secara jujurnye, saya x suka mengupdate blog tanpa apa2 input yg boleh mendatangkan manfaat kepada pembacanya. Macam sekarang. Fikiran masih lagi kosong tanpa apa2 idea, sekadar membaca coretan2 lama dengan senyum kecil di bibir dan perasaan wonder itu. Wondering how at one time i had so much ideas to write, sampai tangan x terkejar nak menulis. Wondering how those ideas can easily elude me nowadays... Mungkin banyak sangat dosa sekarang. Rezeki utk idea itu Tuhan sekat dulu. Wallahualam. Tersangat ingin idea itu datang kembali, saat ini... God, help me...

Bila lagi...?

someone like me is accustomed to this famous, open-ended question ever since we finished studying and started working. for me, that is almost four years of enduring tight smiles and flitting glances, searching for escapes. this ever famous question has sometimes became the reason to avoid socialising, especially during wedding season. these two words hold even more power than a loaded gun pointed at the head, just by being open-ended and stalled mid-air, waiting to be answered with answers yet to come.
or am i being dramatic?
bila fikir-fikir balik, kenapa mesti fikir ke arah 'itu' saje apabila soalan ini ditanya? i mean, it's being open-ended for a reason, ain't it? it doesn't necessarily have to mean: bila lagi 'nak kahwin'? right? it might mean: bila lagi nak sambung master? bila lagi nak sambung phd? bila lagi nak pergi mekah, madinah, australia, bangkok, vietnam, kemboja, jakarta... and so on and so forth?
or am i just being hopelessly optimistic?
what i notice is that this question is asked between people when they have nothing else to say. it's like an automatic traditional custom to ask this when you're out of topic to talk about. which brings another word into mind right now. pathetic. the person being asked might seem pathetic, for not knowing what to answer when asked this, but the person asking is actually more pathetic for having to ask this ever famous, out-of-other-thing-to-talk-about, question, in the first place. get what i mean?
tapi, adakah salah tukang yang bertanya apabila niatnya hanyalah ikhlas nak tau? mungkinlah juga salah orang yang ditanya, kenapa nak diassume pertanyaan itu menjurus ke arah itu saja, ye idak? i guess, it's a lose-lose situation. the one asking lose the other's respect when asking this question, and the one asked lose face for having automatically assumed the question is an insult, instead of honest curiosity.
it's a pity that this is what commonly happening in our society. losing respect and losing face, because of just one simple, open-ended question. and we wonder why people avoid each other's eyes when socialising...
so, here, let's rephrase things. apa kata bila ada orang bertanya: bila lagi...? kita jangan automatically assume they are asking us bila nak kahwin? how about we help them complete the question? hm...

kejadian di satu majlis perkahwinan....
A: dah kamu ni bila lagi...?
B: Bila lagi nak sambung master? insya Allah la makcik, ada rezeki saya sampai la ke Uzerbaijan tu sambung belajar haiwan2 gurun. (dalam hati: hahahaha)
A: (dalam hati: kurang asam budak ni).

at least then, we know we still have our sense of humour intact. ;P

books, read, write

been waiting to write about this for a while. but under certain circumstances, selalu je xde masa. bila bersemangat dan ada masa nak tulis, blogger tengah under service pulak, cet! but, well, here we go...
i love to read. u might have read about that particular passion of mine here ...
heh! i can't help it. books are my staple diet. forget rice, forget junk food, forget fast food, even forget rocky road or double dutch, give me an interesting book, and u'll find me the most well-mannered girl u ever met. i can have my nose buried in those sweet-smelling pages the whole day, really. i guess being born to parents who were teachers and who value books among anything else kinda prompted me to be like that. as the following pictures will tell u... :)

ha! itu la padahnya bila dah bertahun-tahun tak pergi pesta buku. sekali pergi, hampir tercabut soket bahu menggalas beg berisi buku2 di atas tu, yang hampir penuh katil. ish! ish! ish! hehehe... notice that they are all malay books... hm.. interesting.. what have gotten into me???

so, to tune down my sudden appetite for malay novels for a bit, on my way back home, i bought these three english menus..heh!
and these actually are adding up to the following books i haven't yet read, sitting comfortably here at home..uhuh....
ngee!!! quite a load, don't u think??? hehehe... adding all up, that pretty much sums to 19 books i haven't yet read...my... my! tu belum nak campur buku yang dah lama zaman berkirun dulu beli tapi tak baca2 lagi tu... Pride & Prejudice, Persuasion, kisah khalifah Umar al-Khatab dengan Ali bin Abu Talib, kisah Siti Aisyah isteri kesayangan Rasulullah, Qur'an Saintifik yang tak betul-betul habis lagi baca, la-Tahzan, Jodi Picoult's Change of Heart my sister lent to me looooooooong time ago.... just to name a few... kihkihkih... that equals to almost 30 books i have to read! yeehaa!!

and here's to share the books i have already found the time to read, thank God...

my malay collections... :)

yet, another portion of my malay's...
my collection of sweet valley high's. there are almost 50 of them, which colored my teen years... hehe...

my random collections... well, i have a variety of tastes when it comes to books... :)

my mixed of classics and moderns...

my mixed of chick-flicks and romances, once upon a time.... ngee...
my harry potter's!!! all seven of them. as harry matures up in the fifth book, the version of his books i collected also changed to the adult, hard-cover version.. simbolik gitu... hehe...
and of course, my ilmiah books... takkan nak lupa gitu je buku yang diguna for five years, ye idak?? (ada jugak terselit anchee min's dengan my fav philippa greggory's, the constant princess kat situ... hehehe.. seeing all that (please pardon the blurry images of some of the above photos), u know now how much i love to read. well, not so much on the ilmiah part, but the rest, yes. heh. if u still don't believe me, i'll tell u a secret. i even read when i'm in the toilet. something i inherited from my eldest sister. heh!
those are a LOT of books. like my ex-lecturer-pensioner-cum-writer/novelist/author father had pointed out one day, all these books should have made me a writer like him. he said he only had to read a couple or three books and he could already write a novel! the way he said it that time hurt me a little (isk!). sedey...
don't get me wrong. i love to write. i told u that in this entry a long, long time ago. his blood does run in my veins, anyway, so i do have the interest, you may even call it passion, to write. but i don't have that talent to spin what's in my mind into an interesting story. at least not yet. i don't have the talent, nor the time...
I have an 8 to 5 (sometimes 6) job which hammers down on my left brain thunderously during the day, plus 2 hours of traveling to and from work, so it should be understood that it’s going to be a tad difficult for me to automatically switch to right brain during the night. Most nights, i don’t switch at all. so flat out and tired, all i do is switching off all activities and watch movies without seeing and then watch the back of my eyelids. Writing is not my primary job, however i want it to, so badly. Please, try to understand that...
no matter how much i read, how many books i have, the ideas to write still pretty much scattered. till i find the time to gather it all together, then maybe i can put up a good book for you to read. and i mean a good book. i don't want to merely write books with nothing you can learn from. i want to write books that mean something to someone. that can teach something about life and the afterlife. because i appreciate that kind of books, so it's only natural that is what i want to come from me too. till then, thank you for reading. :)

I don't wanna be...

Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately.... ooops, that sounds awfully familiar. Yup, lyrics from gavin degraw’s i don’t want to be, 1 tree hill theme song, eheh! Well, i don’t want to talk about the song, i want to talk about what i don’t want to be:

1. A hypocrite. One heck of a job to do that. We are all a bit of hypocrites here and there with our own twisted reasons and excuses.

2. A brag. I hate bragging. If u’re good at something, prove it, don’t talk about it yet until it’s there, plain for everyone to see.

3. A goody-goody two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on- shoes.

4. A snob

5. A lazy ass. One heck of a job too. I am lazy.

6. A back-stabbing friend

7. An ungrateful person

8. An unforgiving individual

9. A forgetful person.

10. A kissing-ass b%!@#

11. A psycho

12. Alone

13. A grunge holder (?)

14. Jealous

15. Bad

16. Awful

17. Bad-mouthing anyone to anyone

18. Scared anymore

19. Loveless

20. Lifeless

21. Boring

22. Dull

23. Losing my sense of humour, which i sense is close, and that is bad. Bad. Bad.

24. Helpless

25. Hopeless

26. Clueless

27. Without aim

28. Aimless. Damn, that’s the same thing.

29. In a writer’s-block mode, but apparently, here i am.

30. Misguided into doing what i don’t want to do and pretending i like doing it.

31. Losing interest in my work, but sadly, that is what’s happening now.

32. Chained, figuratively. I’m a free-soul, held down too tightly now, though.

33. Restless, but i am, all the time

34. Stressed. Huh! Who wants that?!

35. A blur of existence. I want to exist and mean something to someone, clearly

36. Lost

37. A coward. But, uh, i am.

38. Losing my feeling

39. Reading without understanding

40. Watching without seeing

41. Losing interest in helping people.

42. Stuck in the past, but ops, i am.

43. Unforgiven

44. Hated, though i’m good at provoking someone to hate me, really.

45. Here and not there...

46. Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately, all i have to do is sing to me and i have a peace of mind, i’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what i got to do, or who i’m supposed to be, i don’t want to be anything other than... me. Yeah, gavin degraw’s again. His is the best definition and explanation.

There. In conclusion, i don’t want to be a lot of things. But most of the time that ‘a lot of things’ is just me. I’m not perfect. I have my vulnerabilities. I have insecurities. I have doubts. I have fear. Those make up who I am. I’m not saying I am all those things. Some i really hate to be and really try not to be. But there are some that i can’t help not to be. It’s just me.

I don’t want to be a lot of things. But, to put it simply, i sure as heck don’t want to be other than me.

my weaknesses...

To whom this may be of concern... semua orang ada kelemahan. and this, sadly, is the list of mine...

1. saya tak reti masak. dan bukan masak benda bombastik mana pun, masak nasi pun saya tak reti mana. and to make it even worse, saya MALAS nak masak. entah nak buat apa nak jadi rajin, tapi memang susah nak ke dapur untuk saja-saja nak masak. memang malu la bila tengok Junior Masterchef Australia, tapi still tak jadi rajin jugak. still tak belajar jugak.


2. saya malas kemas rumah. kalau menyapu sekali seminggu tu kira rajin la tu. i hate the dust and the dirt, and when i clean i do it vigorously, but sadly, not frequently.


3. saya manja. hahaha.. i admit it, that is so true. yang seronok bila duduk dengan mak ayah, they spoil me. beyond reason. and i take that to my best advantage. baju mak basuh, kadang-kadang pinggan makan pun mak basuh. bukan tak reti buat sendiri, tapi, yeah, manja.


4. bila tengok cerita kegemaran atau baca buku kegemaran memang saya tune out everything else. mak ayah ajak bercakap pun kadang-kadang saya buat dunno je. teruk? yeah. dengar tak dengar je la apa yang dia orang cakap. kesian dia orang....


5. saya suka berangan. make it KUAT berangan. especially time dengar lagu favorite, time melangut dalam toilet, time lepas dengar cerita best atau tengok cerita best. most of the time angan-angan tu boleh jadi diulang-ulang untuk berhari-hari, berbulan-bulan lamanya. especially if it involves a guy who falls (and to quote clay from one tree hill, season 7) insanely in love with me. macam-macam senario yang ada... sad-ending, happy-ending.. my imagination can leap all boundaries, seriously. hahaha... which brings me to the next weakness...


6. i'm a hopeless romantic. ashamed to admit that, but it's true. stories i write would be proof enough, but that is another weakness i'll tell later. saya still nangis kalau tengok cerita Shah Rukh Khan yang sedih-sedih, akan berair mata bila tengok cerita yang touch my heart, baca cerita yang touch my heart, dengar lagu yang touch my heart. dan tak semestinya cerita romantik pun. I cried watching Seabiscuit for the hundredth time and if you think crying for a horse is a romantic, there's something wrong with you. heh!


7. i'm paranoid. a bit insecure, maybe. i don't go through a day without thinking that somebody is displeased with me.


8. when i look into the mirror, there are time i like what i see, there are time when i don't.


9. saya ada blackheads, banyak, on my nose. hidden in pictures, but not so much when you look at me in the flesh. i hate them, and even more when people take notice, but then what the heck should i do? they want to be there.


10. seeing weakness number 9, you should think that i'm not much of a girl who takes good care of her appearance. yeah, that is true too. i might be using one of the most expensive facial products in the market, but my compliance is poor. nak jimat satu hal, but most part of it is just because saya malas. haha...


11. saya malas. that pretty much sums it all. saya malas buat benda yang saya patut buat, tapi rajin buat benda lain. a bit twisted, if you ask me.


12. saya suka tidur. saya suka tidur lepas subuh (so not very good) and suka bangun lambat. dan saya malas bangun pagi.


13. saya penakut. saya tulis cerita, finished quite a few, tapi still can't find the courage to submit for publishing. i have a publisher in mind, but i just can't get myself to do it. isk!


14. saya takut katak pisang. fobia, actually. lipas tak sangat, tapi katak, yes.


15. saya suka bercakap dengan teddies saya. entah la, lagi senang kut nak luahkan hati pada benda yang tak de respons, sebab dia tak boleh bagi respons yang kita tak nak. dengar je dengan muka blank. and oh, sometimes, i make them talk back to me. respons yang saya nak. haha... yup, psychiatric ward, here i come.


16. saya suka lelaki pakai cap. tak tau kenapa. sebab mike shinoda pakai cap kut. and sebab abang-abang saya pun suka pakai cap (note the fact that my brothers come second to shinoda, hehe! sorry bros!)


17. kids and babies. they are one of my weaknesses. it's just that there's something in the innocent look on their faces that make me want to shield them from the harshness of today's world, and feel helpless when i can't.


18. saya tak suka iron baju, dan benda yang paling saya tak suka selepas tu adalah lipat baju. then jemur baju. basuh, hm... mesin yg buat, so no comment, heh!


19. i'm jealous. kadang-kadang tak terkawal. jealous dengan kawan yang kahwin, sampai satu tahap i refuse to go to weddings. jealous dengan kawan yang dapat baby, but then babies are my soft spot, so i fall in love with them anyway.


20. i curse. badly. okay, mungkin sekarang dah tukar la. shit jadi shoot, hell jadi heck, fu#$ jadi ffff, but still, i curse. bad mouth. bad, bad mouth.


21. saya suka bawak kereta laju. heh, many people who know me would agree with me on that one without a blink of hesitation. hehe. susah benar nak let go of this one particular habit. it's the rush, i guess. and the fact that kalau saya tension, marah, upset, sedih, driving soothes me down. with the highest possible speed that i dare. and the loudest music that suits the current mood.


22. saya terasa nak migrate ke negara lain. preferably Australia. i've been there, and i think i like the environment. the boundary is clear. nak jelaskan hukum kat sana mudah sebab bezanya jelas. putih, hitam, islam, bukan islam. tak gray macam kat sini. islam, islam tapi tak amalkan islam, bukan islam. kabur kenapa wujudnya islam yang tak amalkan islam dekat the so-called islamic country. and i want to escape the dirty, foul-mouthed and blue-minded politics too. sick and tired of it. at least kat negara orang, we can pretend ignorance. kat negara sendiri, it's a responsibility that i surely don't want to be heaved onto these incapable shoulders. so, escape. yeah, cowardice, i know. but then, better dari bersubahat dengan benda yang salah, tak ke gitu?


23. apparently, i'm good at making people hate me. one obvious example, somebody hates me so much that he deleted the comment i made on his facebook status and made a comment about it on his NEXT status. hah! well, i guess, it's all for the best. better he hates me than me trying to force him into being someone he's not. just regretting that he's not accepting or realising my apology, that's all.


24. i don't believe in love... okay, rephrasing that. i'm SCARED of love. being a hopeless romantic that i am, i can't say i don't believe in it, i'm just scared. of that particular emotion. i'm scared of loving someone so much, i forget to love Him. i'm scared if someone loves me and i can't live up to the expectation.


25. i'm selfish. and sometimes i become too proud of myself of what i've achieved and scold myself after that for being such an arrogant (even only thinking or feeling it without showing it) person.


26. hm... what else? setakat ni tu je yang boleh terfikir. banyak dah jugak tu. people who know me might be able to list more, i think. er... hehe...

it's possible to say that by listing my weaknesses and being aware of them is a kelebihan in itself. but then, that is just one kelebihan versus 25++ kelemahan. the numbers still say it all, huh?

now you know the deal. go run and scoot for cover. thank you for reading.

keepsakes...

i miss my best friends. a lot.
and this is the only place i can say that.
i'm not good at saying my feelings out loud. i'm not good at showing how i really feel towards people. that is one of my many, many weaknesses, i'm afraid. i'm not the kind of friend who goes on hugging friends, not even those i haven't seen for ages. i'll feel awkward, to be honest. deep down i like and appreciate it, but still the awkwardness won't go away. i'm not the kind of friend who calls friends just to chat, not even once a month. i wouldn't know what to chat about. i wouldn't know what topic to go into when we got past the greetings. i hardly sms to ask how a friend is doing, i'll only be texting to wish them happy birthday. and that is when i ask them how they're doing. once a year. that is the only way i show them that i do remember them. by remembering their birthdays. but, i do remember them. a lot. i miss them.
there's a reason to it, though. my one, solid excuse. my best friends move on with their lives. and me with my naive and at times, stupid thought believe that i don't want to bother them.
tonight, i miss my three best friends from uitm more than ever. and this is why i'm writing this.
i miss our laughter together. i miss our tears together. those four years we shared cannot be replaced by anything, anything at all. i still keep the memories, even though they already go way far along the road, leaving me behind. i held on to the little things they ever gave me for as long as i could. my keepsakes.
Elya once gave me this keychain with four cartoon figurines on it for my birthday in 2006 (i think). each representing everyone of us, she said. me was the naughtiest and the skinniest one, heh. i lost it in the built-in-the-floor heater at my sister's rented house in melbourne in august 2010. i sat there crouching on the floor, groping for it for hours, but didn't find it. maybe i lost it somewhere else. but the fact remained that hurt me most is just that: i LOST it. it might be just a little, meaningless thing to some people, but not to me. it represented me and my three best friends. it represented the memories. it represented a friend who loves her friend. i've held on to it for years, dangling from my favorite backpack and it traveled with me. to bangkok, and melbourne twice. i'm so sorry i lost it.
Maria once gave me a set of pink brooches, because she knew i like pink, one smaller than the other, also for my birthday. i didn't wear it when i was still studying, because i was not much of a girl who swung her tudung this way and that way. i was pretty much a simple girl who worked just fine with one brooch. so, i kept it in the box she gave me. i started wearing them when i started working, at the end of 2007. and never stopped wearing them until i lost them too, somewhere i didn't even know, recently. i hate this. she didn't even know whether i ever wore them, because she never saw me do. but believe me, they were my favorite brooches for as long as i could hold on to them. still, some people might say, what the heck, it's just brooches, but it's a gift. from a best friend. who knew and noticed and understood what i like and dislike.
Fad once surprised me with a cute little dinosaur teddy, with pink polka dots all over its body for my birthday. i named it Baby Pinky. one friend saw it and thought it suited to be called Measles, for the dots on its body, heh! nice name. even funnier than that, when all of us went to my sister's house one day, we saw that my barely one year old niece had the same teddy in her arms. what a coincidence! mak sedara ngalahkan anak sedara main teddy bear! i still hold on to it. i still have it on my bed, one of my sleep companions every night. thank God, it's a bit bigger to be lost anywhere.
those are my keepsakes. my sentimentally valuable keepsakes given by my three cherished best friends. whom had moved on beautifully with their lives. Elya is married and expecting her first baby this march. Maria is married and blessed with a cute little boy named Adam whom i haven't yet met, except through pictures in facebook. Fad is also married and expecting her first baby somewhere close to elya's too, i think. see, how i don't know much actually, because catching-up with friends is a failed course in my book. however much i miss them. and i regret that. but still, i hold on to the excuse that i don't want to bother them. as long as i know they are happy, that is enough for me. and so i sit here, missing them, and keeping our memories together close in my heart, with and without the keepsakes, for the sake of a beautiful friendship i'll treasure forever.

romance, romantic, romanticism...

wookay...
i've been trying to write on this topic since the first time i watched the movie 'The Young Victoria' on star movies. and that was a while ago. i've watched reruns of it three time! heh. it was about the queen victoria of the eighteenth century, how she met her husband, the love of her life, the regent prince albert and how she reigned for 64 years, the longest period of reigning for an england sovereign, to date. it's only fair to say that the movie was romantic, and the fact that it chronicles the queen's early life almost to the letter (except for the fact that her husband in reality was not hurt in the attempt to shield her from that crazy man who tried to kill her) kinda made me fall back into my romantic mode and believed that fairy tale happy ending does happen in real life. heh!
which somehow made me want to write about this:
first: romance.
second: romantic.
third: romanticism
Romance
by definition from wikipedia, romance is a noun that describes the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. It is also used as a verb (meaning to court or pursue amorously). in my case, to be perfectly and completely honest, i was a fan of romance novels. i did feel that tug in my heart whenever i watch romance-genre movies or dramas. there you go. but heck no, i didn't go fooling about romancing anyone, Alhamdulillah for that.
Romantic
Answer.com reflects romantic as relating to characteristic of romance or as a noun, it is said to be a follower or adherent of romance. in my part, i wouldn't say i'm a romantic. my best friends would say quite the opposite. well, i did cry at some shah-rukh-khan starred hindustan movies, which to them automatically labeled me as a romantic. outwardly, i hardly show that i'm romantic. i try to be the complete opposite, when deep down, actually, I am. i shared the same opinion as the two leading characters of the 27 Dresses. for them, when attending a wedding, they don't pay attention to the brides. instead they watch the look on the grooms' faces. whether it was pure pleasure at the first sight of his bride in a wedding gown, a forced smile, a nervous shake of the head, or plain torture. i do the same. whenever i watch the movie with weddings in it, i look closely to the groom, and not the bride, how happy he looks. whenever i attend a wedding, i watch the groom, the way he sits in front of the wali and tok imam and tok kadi, the way he nods his head, the way he smiles nervously and says the solemnization vows, the way he looks up, searching for his newly-wed wife and smiles when he finds her with her head bowed low and a soft smile upon her lips, relieved. brides are supposed to look beautiful on the wedding day. so, what's the use of looking at them when you already know that fact? but, you never can predict how a groom would look on his wedding day. if he's happy, it would show on his face when he finally solemnizes the marriage. if he's not, it shows too. that is much more interesting to look upon, and if that makes me a romantic, so be it.
Romanticism
Wikipedia said that romaticism (or the Romantic Era) was a complex artistic, literary, and intellectual movement that originated in the second half of the 18th century in Europe, and gained strength in reaction to the Industrial Revolution. quite a mouthful, huh? so, it's a movement, in various aspect of living at that time. The movement validated strong emotion as an authentic source of aesthetic experience, placing new emphasis on such emotions as trepidation, horror and terror and awe. so, it's about emotion. emphasizing on emotion, and neglecting anything else. hm... not quite a good thing to do, when emotion can lead you astray to the wrong path, if you neglect to use your head with it. being a woman, especially, emotion plays a vital part in our lives. unlike men who are all about logic and rational thinking, we, women, tend to rely on emotion a tad too tightly. which brings me to another definition of romaticism, quoted from Harun Yahya's Romanticism; A Weapon of Satan.
hah! that was on the cover of the book. we don't even go in depth of the book yet, but still the title already tells us that romaticism is not a good thing. according to Harun Yahya, romanticism is one such falsehood that is erroneously thought to be "true." In a society where people do not live by the true religion, romanticism is portrayed as a favourable quality peculiar to
compassionate, good people. Essentially, one of the most harmful characteristics of romanticism, and from which we must be on our guard, is that it rejects "reason" as contrary to its philosophy.
another mouthful, yes, but the important part from this i can extract is that romanticism is dangerous. we Muslims are people living with the true religion, we don't need a deviation to classify ourselves as what kind of a person. being a Muslim, a true one will automatically make us compassionate and good people, following the guidance of our Quran and the sunnah of our prophet. because those two teach us to be good people in details, and still keep our head above us, to rationalize things, not relying solely on emotion. we believe that our hearts are the center of our emotion, while our heads are the center of our rational reasoning. the beauty of Allah's creation is that the head is placed above all parts of the body, and the heart is placed on the upper left corner of our torso. reflecting on that, He wants us to put our head above anything, that is, to put our reasonings above anything else. emotion only come second.
There is a subtle danger that leads people away from religion, prevents them from submitting to God as their Lord, and ultimately brings numerous other forms of trouble and distress upon them. This danger of which we are speaking is sentimentality that leads people to live, not according to their reason, but according to their emotions; that is, according to their desires, hatreds, their susceptibility to temptation, and their stubbornness ~ Harun Yahya.
Ya Rabb, please don't let me fall prey to this danger, ameen.
so, following that, i redefine myself.
Romance, Romantic, Romanticism.
i let go of the first, i only hold on to the second deep down and be cautious about it, and i identify the third as something i should be careful about and God willing, not to be a victim of... insya Allah.

not my style. full stop.

not that i'm a stylish person.
okay, to elaborate on the topic, i posted this on my facebook status a few days ago: 'i'm sorry, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that's just not my style'.
sounds like i was lashing out at somebody, isn't it? the answer is yes.
at the risk of having that certain someone reading this (which i highly doubt), that was me trying to answer her (yes, it's a she!) when i couldn't do that verbally right to her face. so, i did that on fb shoutout, instead. you know me, i told you previously, i'm not good at responding verbally to people. i'm more the kind of a person who swallows it at the time and argues it over in my head (or in facebook) later.
so, okay, the origin of that statement. the cause of it is because i grew tired of that certain someone bragging me about getting married. haha.. what a topic. you'd thought i've grown over that, didn't you? as a matter of fact, i have. apparently, however, people around me haven't.
she kept on provoking me to look more, shall i say, presentable to guys, wear some make-up, dress in a more flashing, atttraction-seeking clothes, talk softer (to men, of course!), walk slower, behave more like a dara pingitan than the selamba, suka-hati-aku-la-nak-buat-apa-nak-cakap-macam-mana-apa-kau-kisah kind of girl that i am. and the list goes on..
i take it her intention is good. she's worried about me being single when the rest of my friends there are all married and happily snuggling their babies (ignore the sarcastic note there, sorry) and snuggling their husbands (not necessarily in that order, ignore the sarcasm again, please). there. i sounded angry. finally. i mean, come on. is that all that a woman's duty in this world got to do? find a man?
yeah, i know it's nature. dah Tuhan jadikan benda tu fitrah, who am i to go against it? and no, i'm not going to go against it, at all. i do want to get married someday, have children. make my family happy. be the best, loving, muslimah wife and mother that i can be. i love babies. and toddlers. and even my overly-talkative, too-fast-growing-up nieces and overly-brilliant, also-too-fast-growing-up nephews. heh. which could be prove enough that i love children. i do want that. most heartedly (is that even an existing word? never mind). i mean, wholeheartedly, yeah.
but, it takes time. and how long it's gonna be is not for me to decide. tu ketentuan Dia. why is it so hard for people to understand?
yeah, you can say that i can hasten the process by being more presentable to guys, wear make-up, dress flashier, talk softer and mushier, behave and walk slower, but heck, i'm sorry, that is totally not me.
and seriously, is that even the right thing to do? is that what our religion urges us, muslim women to do? parade ourselves for men to choose? certainly not and i know you agree with me.
for the time being, i'm happy being the way i am. i found love that matters and that's the only thing i'm working out for now. the love that matters here and in the hereafter. Alhamdulillah, Allah guides me through. Alhamdulillah, He protected me from being trapped in empty love during these 26 years of me breathing in this world. and i pray He'll continue to protect me in the future, insya Allah.
i found a purpose in my life now, and i'm working towards it. there is something better for a woman to do than trying to bat her eyelashes to make a man fall flat on his face, drooling over her. yes, quite a yucky description, but hey, i am an overly-imaginative person. heh. so yeah, i have better thing to do with my life.
so there, i'm sorry again, but i'm not going to use my appearance to snatch a man. that is not a muslimah's style and despite what you might see, i'm really trying to be one. a true muslimah. end of discussion.
verses that made me smile today, despite the bragging:
'Dan lagi wahai kaumku! Siapakah yang akan menolongku dari azab Allah jika aku menghalau mereka? Maka mengapa kamu tidak mahu ingatkan kekuasaan Allah? (30) Dan aku tidak pernah berkata kepada kamu: Di sisiku ada perbendaharaan Allah, dan tidaklah aku mendakwa mengetahui perkara-perkara yang ghaib dan aku tidak mengatakan bahawa aku ini malaikat dan aku juga tidak berkata terhadap orang-orang yang beriman yang kamu pandang hina itu, bahawa Allah tidak akan memberi kebaikan kepada mereka. Allah lebih mengetahui akan apa yang ada di dalam hati mereka. Sesungguhnya aku jika bertindak demikian, nescaya menjadilah aku dari orang-orang yang zalim. (31)'
~ ayat 30 dan 31, surah Hud.

My thoughts on flying

random entry, yeah, i know. my babble, whatever.
flying... seeing that word i always picture freedom. i guess the word fly, the image of a bird soaring happily in the sky defines freedom, eh? no one can catch it when it's on air, no one can grasp it, unless someone is cruel enough to shoot it down.
okay, moving on. why this sudden topic?
i've been trying to write about this particular passion of mine for so long, only now that the right time came up.
i love to fly.
no, i don't have wings (rolling eyes), i'm still human, and thus human needs help to fly. hence, the airplanes.
i bet whoever invented airplanes (was it the Wrights' Brothers? i forgot), did a lot of study on birds. their aerodynamic shapes, their physical abilities, their intuitions. and who invents these creations which don't need help whatsoever to fly? yup, Subhanallah... everything comes from Him and always goes back to Him.
so, airplanes. I like airplanes. i like flying. some people admit of having the fear of flying (i seriously don't know the scientific name of that phobia), but i love it.
my first time of boarding an airplane and flying was when i was in standard two, eight years old. it was my first trip much further than the one i usually took. me and my parents went to Langkawi and came back to KL by airplane! i still remember the excited look my father had when he first told me we're going to fly! and seeing that was my first trip on the plane, it was only natural that i wanted to know everything about it. i was even curious on what was going on in the pilot's cabin. and seeing the excitement on my face one particular steward was quite smitten by me (hahaha... perasan mode!), he gave me a huge MAS paperbag containing everything, from pens, notepads, playing cards, and a huge box of orange juice they used to serve to the passengers! and yes, from that moment on, i fell in love -sadly not with the steward, gila hapa, i was eight years old!!- but with flying in an airplane.
yeah.. i guess first impression does count, uh?
during those childhood times, i used to hate having to sit at the wings. because i was such a spoiled daughter, i usually got the window seat and not much can be seen when you're sitting at the window looking out at the wings. worse if you got the emergency seats, you got to look out at nothing since the seats are set further than the windows to allow for opening the emergency doors if the need arises.
but, as i grow older, i find myself looking forward to sitting at the window seat besides the wings, but still very much prefer not to be the emergency seat.
why?
because, believe it or not, i love watching the wings, now. yeah, weird. peculiar. a bit mentally off. whatever you say. not budging me one bit.
i love the wings. i especially love watching them during take-offs and landings. Landings, mostly. you probably do not notice this, but right before landing, two noisy sounds can be heard from the airplane. one is the time when the tires start to come out from under the belly of the plane and the other is the one when the wings widened. i seriously don't know the technical significant of this mechanism, i sure as heck don't know the technical term of it, but i love watching the flaps (let's call them the flaps, shall we?) of the wings as they go up when the plane lands because the air rushes at them from down under. i know people who fear landings and take-offs, but i love them. because of this. and the feeling you get when the plane lands smoothly on the airway. the relief and happiness that you made it safe back on the ground. i find myself always smiling when landing.
and in a more poetic note, flying symbolizes something else to me too. in a way it defines life. and the journey you took in your life. the part when you 'take -off' in life, going somewhere, sometimes not even knowing what you're going to face. and yeah, when you're on air, do you know what else you're going to face besides clouds? nope. there might be a sight of the most beautiful rainbow you've ever seen, there might be peculiar shapes of the clouds that remind you of something, there might be a spectrum of color you've never seen before shining through to you. but, there might also be turbulences, there might also be sudden storm or thunder or peltering rains, there might also be a strong shake that makes you grasp the side of your seat tighter. there might be a lot of things. in life, also, there might be a lot of things you're gonna face. unexpected things, most of the time. there might be good, there might be bad. and you go on flying through it all. because you have to. there's no other way. that is the only way you'll learn. the only way to reach your destination. your goal. your landing spot. and when you do land, when those flaps go up and those tires touch the road, you smile. because even in life, when you succeed in all those things you face (happily dubbed with flying colours), either it be turbulences or rainbow, you feel relieved, happy, stress-free. and you'll smile. you will smile like i do everytime i land and watch those flaps go up. the feeling is mutual, i tell you.
that, my friend, is my thoughts on flying. :)

Linkin Park

just as i promised, see?
hehehe...
so, what is the history behind Linkin Park? no, i'm not going to tell you when or where or how they were born, seriously no (rolling eyes), but, i'll tell you how i got hooked with them.
to be perfectly honest, i din't grow up with them in my teen years. when a few of my matrix friends were quoting and rapping In The End, i laughed and shook my head at them, finding the absurdity of the situation where two teenage girls were so hooked up to some band babbling about an ending.
it took me a year after that to realize that they are not just some band.
it was my first year in uni. my first semester as a pharmacy student. i enrollled a month later than the rest of my classmates, i was a tesl student before that. i guess the late situation stressed me out. i was afraid of being left too far behind in study, and mind you, it's a pharmacy course. Pharmacy. tough one, seriously. and i mean, seriously.
so, i had this roommate. i couldn't remember her real name now (people's names always elude me, but i remember familiar faces. i guess i'm more of 'a face person' than 'a name person', if you know what i mean). she asked her friends to call her Sookie, after that cute, chubby character in Gilmore Girls, and she was the one, i mean Sookie my roommate, not Sookie from the Gilmore Girls, who introduced me, formally, to Linkin Park.
no, i didn't literally shake hands with Shinoda or Chester, are you crazy?!
okay, sorry about that.
Sookie took IT course. she was a cool and relaxed person, always finding something to laugh about and a hopeless romantic who fell for Shane West in A Walk to Remember. strangely enough, she also fell for Linkin Park. and dragged me along with her. heh.
i guess she grew tired of me groaning every time i study, that she handed me Hybrid Theory cassette one fine morning. to shut me up, or to calm me down, i seriously don't know which one was her true intention. i think that was how i remembered the first time i truly listened to Linkin Park. i couldn't remember any other method of introduction. and as i listened to the band screaming and tearing my eardrums apart, with Sookie grinning knowingly at her side of the room, i fell in love. muahahaha! what a way to say it, but i just did. a bit too late since the band was already established and famous through out all the world, but there i was, grinning from one ear to the other along with her.
and yeah, i did babble along with Mike and Chester for In The End after that, got problem with it, huh?
soon after that i found myself borrowing Hybrid Theory and Meteora from Sookie more time than i could count and then finding my own way, i bought those two albums and another one too, The Reanimation. which quickly became my favorite one. it's an electronically re-mastered, remix of Hybrid Theory, actually, but there was one particular song, Wth> You, which got me hooked on that album. it's romantic. heh, not a way you would describe Linkin Park, i'd say, but that song is just that. here's a snippet of its lyric:
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You now I see keeping everything inside
With you
You now I see even when I close my eyes
With you
You now I see keeping everything inside
With you
You now I see even when I close my eyes..
this is basically the same lyric as the original version. sweet, huh? and here is a snippet of the added version for the remix version, even more romantic... :) (please, don't laugh):
It ain't like me to beg on my knees
Oh, please oh baby please
That's not how i'm doing things
No.
No i'm not upset, no i'm not angry
I know love is love, love
but sometimes it pains me
No.
I'm never without you,
i'll always be with you
You'll never forget me, i'm keeping you with me...
there. listening to that, i always imagine Shinoda kneeling and pleading and that never fails to bring a smile to my face. heh.
after Meteora, they went on tour, produced tour albums, did collaboration works with Jay-Z, and Shinoda went on rapping with Styles of Beyond and produced Rising Tied under the name Fort Minor, which also was a hit. i bet you've heard of Where'd You Go and Believe Me. but the song in that album which held quite a memory for me was The Hard Way. nice one. you can't put together rapping and melancholy music in the same sentence until you heard that song. and all this while Linkin Park went on a hiatus. for four years since their last official albums.
and then, like the spectacular band that they are, they came out with Minutes to Midnight in 2007. my final year at uni. tough final year. Thank God for these guys who finally came out of their cave, heh! i bought the cd and dvd of the band doing their work to produce that particular album. they had to go to a secluded house and drilled themselves for the work. it was hillarious watching them went through the process, heh. out of more than a hundred songs written by everyone in the band, not just Shinoda and Chester, but Rob, Brad, Phoenix and also Mr Hahn contributing, twelve songs were finally agreed upon to be produced and What I've Done became the first single and was such a hit, it was also in the Transformer's first soundtrax. and became my permanent wake-up call too. literally and figuratively. literally because it is and still is the song of my alarm clock (ngehngehngeh), and figuratively because it's the song of regrets and moving ons. something i'm too, very much familiar with.
but the song that touches me deeply from that particular album is Leave Out All The Rest. i'm sure you've heard it. final single, i think, from that album. and also included in Twilight's soundtrax. not such a fan of that particular saga, so i'm not going to elaborate on that boring movie, heh! anyway, LOATR is also a song about moving on. about leaving something good behind. good memories. good deeds. so, yeah, we have our bad moments, we have our bad judgement, we have our bad mistakes. but leaving all those out and just taking or remembering the good ones is not such an easy task to do, ey? that's what the song tells us to try to do, actually. nice, huh?
this album, Minutes to Midnight, to veteran fans of Linkin Park might not really be what they expected. they expected it to be like Hybrid Theory and Meteora, headbanging and screaming and tearing your heart apart. this one is quite the opposite. not so much headbanging, not so much screaming. but the lyrics can tell you the reason why. they've matured up. after four years, they became adults who see things differently. they scolded the ironic situation where people can pray and still get into a war and bomb a mosque (Hands Held High). they became sensitive people who were touched by a catastrophe like the hurricane Katrina and wrote a song about it (The Little Things Give You Away). in a way, i could relate to that. because i've matured up too. and that's why i love the band so much. even they admitted in the album that they aimed to come out of their comfort zone, something i could relate to, too, and they succeeded with this one.
i might not grow up with them in my teen years, but they grow up along with me now.
and this year, in September, out came A Thousand Suns. again, people have numerous comments about this one. i read them in their official website, http://www.linkinpark.com/. more than one person is dissatisfied, saying they want more along the line of the first album. a reply i liked about that complain came from another fan who said that as a fan, we should appreciate the band, not just one particular album. we're a fan of the band, not just an album. if we said we only like one particular album, we're not really a fan of that band, just of that particular tracks of songs. i agree with that. if you truly like a band, a true fan, you'll appreciate everything they have to offer. any changes. any new improvements. and Linkin Park improves, a lot. to my best knowledge. and so, i'm still a die-hard fan of them. :)
speaking about A Thousand Suns, it really is something different. the first time i heard it, i have to admit, i was not very much impressed. but i expected that. after Minutes to Midnight, they got quite a lot of work to measure up. but after a replay, i already got the song i put on repeat one. heh. Waiting for The End, their second single is terrific. the lyrics is something i could really relate to these days, talking about moving on (again), and how desperate it is to just want something different from what we have now. i am in that situation now, so that song struck a strong chore in my heart.
the rest of the tracks is not bad, either. i even found my 'feel good song' from this album, When They Come For Me. its music is a happy tune and the lyric is, ehem, funny, that i always smile listening to it. each song has its own uniqueness, its own trademark sound, although i do wish for more complete songs rather than talks and instrumentals. but then, i enjoy the album all the same, still.
they've matured up. we could see that in their lyrics, hear that in their music.
the reason that i like them so much is that they ackowledge the presence of God. you can hear that in The Catalyst, their first single from A Thousand Suns. they ackowledge that people sin. and they ackowledge that only God can help us. can forgive us. they might not believe what we believe, but it's much better than songs saying making a wish to a star or an airplane, for that matter, because this kind of lyrics is dangerous. it might deviate us from what we should believe in without us realising it. we should only wish to Allah, pray to Him, what do we need an airplane to change into a star for, right? the music might sound nice, ear-catching, but i prefer to listen to what they're saying, what the lyric is all about, the story behind a song. i prefer to be careful that way.
so far, Linkin Park's lyrics are okay. scratch the cursing parts, most of what they're trying to say is that the world is coming to its end. something we all are aware of, but not that prepared for. they are trying to help us realize that better. not many people would take it that way, but i do. in some twisted, poetic way of mine, i'd say that Linkin Park and i have the same opinion about the world these days. how we keep on doing the wrong things and do not realize that all those catastrophe happening are God's signs that what we're doing are wrong. it's a difficult lesson, trying to fathom that.
now, what more can you ask from a band that you love, to prove to you?

things that remind me of YOU...

1. YOU
~ scars on my knees. :)
~ my over-teasing brother
~ your name
2. YOU
~ awkward smiles
~ SMKSS
~ the subject lukisan kejuruteraan
~ torn pictures. :)
3. YOU
~ baju kurung
~ the subject math
~ tuition class
4. YOU
~ ten cent coin and any mention of it in terengganu dialect. :)
~ long fingers
~ prank calls
~ matrix
5. YOU
~ your famous mother. heh.
6. YOU
~ the color red
~ konvo robe
~ Hospital Selayang cafeteria
7. YOU
~ avril lavigne's keep holding on. because it's the song u successfully downloaded for me. thanx! :)
~ the word 'thank you'. you know why. heh.
~ KLIA
~ the word 'mek comey'. :P
~ HTAR library
~ HTAR psychiatric ward
8. YOU
~ TDM, always! ;)
~ TPN
~ extended hours
~ ICU
~ the sixth floor corridor at HSNZ, the one facing the ocean. because i'll always remember how we walked through it so late in the evening to distribute the results to the wards, looking in awe at the lovely view of the beach. :)
~ honda city, the nicer-butt version, not the latest one. :)
~ ACC
~ the number 5
~ the word 'sweet'
~ the word 'poyo', because well, the first ever time i used that particular word was to you. :)
~ bright smiles
9. YOU
~ paradise deluxe
~ secret smiles
~ birthday wishes
10. YOU
~ a proposal
~ that huge hello kitty at my brother's house. here's the thing. i have a bad memory of hello kitty, since secondary school, i hate it, that's why i can't keep that particular one, heh. i told you i didn't want it but you were so stubborn. oh, okay, sorry!
~ purple-colored kancil
~ UiTM
~ my three best friends. you know who they are. :)
~ nephro patients
~ the word 'stalker' and how i regretted it. :(
~ the word 'sorry' and how i wish i could say it to you face to face and meaning it with all my heart.
11. YOU
hm, you're a new addition. though, i don't really know where we can go. but here's the things that will remind me of you:
~ hotels
~ subuh time. :)
12. YOU
i don't know why i hadn't added you before, in that entry. maybe because you don't know me and i don't know you. but, somehow, you're the inspiration for one of the characters in my stories, so i just realized you made quite an impression on me. by just taking quite a number of pictures of me when you worked as the photographer at my brother's nikah ceremony a long, long time ago. so, here goes. things that remind me of you:
~ photographers. especially during weddings. :)
~ a black cap. man, i love guys who wear cap (s)... :p
~ danny.
that's it, then. hm... what triggers this, you ask me? well... maybe i just miss the memories. and the memories will remain with me always, if God wills it, because of these things... :)

blogging versus journalling...

okay, untuk mukadimahnya, honestly, i don't even know what blogging means. i guess it comes from the word 'blog', so i think 'blogging' means writing in a blog. while journalling, eheh, that was just me making up a new word. which i choose to define as writing in a journal. how easy is that to increase your vocab, eh?
so, i've heard about blogging a looong time ago, but never had the time nor the interest to try it. until last year, when my sister got to further her study down under to melbourne, australia, and she wished for us here in malaysia to know what she's been up to through her blog. so i registered into blogger.com. and became addicted to it. heh.
suddenly i discovered the channel i can get through to release out what i feel, what i think. and this is what i use my blog for. this is what i'm blogging.
what i'm trying to say is, i personally think there's a difference between blogging and journalling. some people use their blogs to write their everyday stories, much like their publicised diaries, their open-to-public jounals. they write what they eat, what movie they watch, what place they currently are, post pictures and stuff, so on so forth. that for me, in my own definition, is journalling. i don't do that. at least not here. my journals for me are much more private words i wrote in my own private documents, which i'll never publish here. but then, those journals do not contain the typical what-i-eat, what-i-watch, where-i'm-at stories either. because frankly saying, those everyday stories of mine are basically boring, repeat-mode routines. you surely don't want to read the same thing over and over and over again. heh, if you see me and my everyday life, you would say i'm pretty much a boring person.
on the surface, yes. inside, not so sure. this is where this blog comes to focus. because in a way, this is how i express out my feelings, i tell you my opinions and sometimes my ideas. this is the only way i know to do that. because even though friends would say i'm pretty much an easygoing person who talks too much sometimes (maybe most of the time, heh!), but not all what i talk about has the substance of what i actually think. no, i'm not a hypocrite, God forbid, but somehow, i find it hard to say out loud my ideas, my opinions, my knowledge and my feeling about things. it's easier here. writing it out in a blog. outside this channel, i prefer to be the silent listener. only now and then sharing what i think verbally.
so yeah, if friends scold me or tease me, my response would be a little bit delayed. there are times, a lot of times when i find myself replaying back the conversation of the day and thinking of the best retorts. but then, it would be too late to say them, so sometimes i write them here, some in my personal journals, some i just tell God. because He always listens.
this, blogging habit has become the channel for me to complain, the method for me tell you out there that there is a brain inside this hard skull of mine, and it's actually working 24/7, every second of everyday. so, maybe i prefer the general idea of blogging. writing whatever that comes to mind in my blog. and skip out the boring everyday routines. and maybe that is why this blog is hardly updated everyday. since what comes to mind which is significant enough to be written here does not come everyday. only certain time. when i observe certain something. hear certain something. read certain something. think certain something.
saying all that, you'll realize that you will hardly find my daily routine here. you will hardly read about what i do for the week here. it's just something someone else do too, out there, so what's the point of wasting your time reading about it here too, rite? you do it too.
as a conclusion, i'm just saying that my daily life is basically the same as anyone's. what i think, what i feel, however, might be different, might be the same, i dunno, but that, you might find here. if i feel like sharing. if it's too much to bear alone. if i have the time and in the mood to write it all out. if and only if... yeah. till then.

Favourites...

1. favourite surah from al-Qur'an: surah Alam Nasyrah or some mashaf named it al-Insyirah
2. favourite verse from al-Qur'an: 'Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan' ~ (ayat 6, surah Alam Nasyrah)

And the list for favourite worldly goods...
1. favourite tea: earl grey
2. favourite milk: anlene 4 times calcium choc flavor
3. favourite rice: fried
4. favourite food: lasagna
5. favourite drink: tea
6. favourite clothes: baju kurung
7. favourite pants: still jeans
8. favourite t-shirt: my pink with white polka dot muslimah t-shirt, a gift from my eldest sis, and a t-shirt dubbed to look like a pyjama by her husband. :)
9. favourite shoes: sneakers
10. favourite socks: er... cotton ones. :)
11. favourite teddy: baby pooh (sorry baby pinky measles, sorry mr aussie, sorry pinky froggie, sorry johnny, sorry mr argie, but baby pooh is always the one i grope for to hug at nights, heh!)
12. favourite tudung: still the bawal ones
13. favourite watch: swatch
14. favourite books: hlovate's
15. favourite hlovate: rooftop rant
16. favourite philippa greggory: the constant princess
17. favourite paulo coelho: like a flowing river
18. favourite judith mcnaught: a kingdom of dreams
19. favourite sophie kinsella: shopaholic and baby
20. favourite cecelia ahern: where rainbow ends
21. favourite dan brown: angels and demon
22. favourite jean sasson: desert royal
23. favourite j.k.rowling: harry potter and the deathly hallows
24. favourite francine pascal: sweet valley high senior year number em... er... i forgot the number, but the one when jessica wakefield got back with jeremy aames. sweet!
25. favourite classics: the secret garden
26. favourite charles dicken: nicholas nickelby
27. favourite jane austen: persuasion (and this is based on the synopsis of the book, since i haven't read all her books yet, heh!)
28. favourite malay literature: hang tuah collections my father wrote. i grew up with them, but i don't know where the books are now... :(
29. favourite self-written story which i haven't had the courage to publish or let anyone read, yet, maybe never...: dffa (which isn't even finished yet, heh!) i enjoy writing the rest of the stories, nevertheless, but this one is kinda special to me because of the memories. :)
30. favourite quote: 'to live well or live hell? we choose' ~ rooftop rant, hlovate.
31. favourite poem: remember by christina georgina rosseti
32. favourite linkin park: leave out all the rest
33. favourite fort minor: the hard way
34. favourite dead by sunrise: walking in circles
35. favourite onerepublic: all fall down
36. favourite nickelback: gotta be somebody
37. favourite nirvana: the man who sold the world
38. favourite nasyid: damai yang hilang
39. favourite raihan: peristiwa di subuh hari
40. favourite fareast: melakar cinta di pintu syurga
41. favourite hijjaz: lukisan alam
42. favourite rabbani: pergi tak kembali
43. favourite yusuf islam: i look, i see
44. favourite series: one tree hill
45. favourite one tree hill: got two, the one when nathan turned from the bad boy snob into a good boy because he fell in love with haley. and the other one was when lucas got back with brooke and called her pretty girl again, because frankly saying, i don't like peyton so much. heh!
46. favourite classic movie: ever after
47. favourite strategical movie: the italian job
48. favourite action movie: s.w.a.t
49. favourite romantic-comedy: sweet home alabama
50. favourite anne hathaway: ella enchanted
51. favourite natalie portman: the other boleyn girl & where the heart is
52. favourite artist: mike kenji shinoda, because he's a well-round talent. he can sing, he can rap, he can play the guitar, the piano, the table-turner, effortlessly, he can draw and he can write. and he got a degree in something too (graphic design, if i'm not mistaken) so, that proves he's smart too, besides his obviously brilliant lyrics.
53. favourite quote to patient: "pokcik/mokcik ade anok ke cucu dok jage dumoh, boleh tolong bace care2 nok makang ubak ni?"
54. favourite quote to self: 'berhenti berangan, noor, please!'
55. favourite harsh words: used to be "tengkorak hidup ko berjambul!" now, i try to be silent. :)
56. favourite curse: used to be "shit!" now, i try to be silent, too. :)
57. favourite leisure time activity: used to be reading. now i alternate that with writing.
58. favourite phone: sony ericsson
59. favourite smart phone: htc
60. favourite laptop: acer
61. favourite digital camera: sony cybershot
62. favourite hard disk: seagate
63. favourite dvd player: philips, because it's the first one that had the divx format. now, the rest of them do.
64. favourite channel on astro: star movies
65. favourite toyota: camry
66. favourite treasure: baby white. which is my car. i talk to it, you know. like lindsay did with herbie. :)
67. favourite baju kurung: cotton
68. favourite jeans: my flare-cut levi's
69. favourite cosmetic: heh, i don't wear one, do you believe that? lipstick makes my lips go dry the second i apply it on, so i have to opt for the simple lipice lip balm. mascara runs down my cheeks the minute i wash my face. eyeshadows are hard to wash off, and i can't have them everyday because i need to have a clear face for my wuduk, and foundation, heh, never like the cake-like feel of them on my skin. so no, i don't have favourite cosmetic. well, maybe, that lipice lip balm, then. :)
70. favourite cleanser: sk2
71. favourite tooth paste: colgate
72. favourite tooth brush: still colgate
73. favourite mouthwash: colgate plax for sensitive something. the pink-colored one. i like it, because first, it's pink heh. and i like how it tastes like carbonated drink when you gargle it inside your mouth. :)
74. favourite soap: johnson's baby milk wash
75. favourite shampoo: loreal with the royal jelly one, the one with the cream-colored bottle. i forgot it's real name.
76. favourite hair color: dark brown (not that i ever color my hair!)
77. favourite eye color: grey (did i ever color my eyes? does colored contact lenses count? of course, hahaha. so yeah, i did. but they didn't last for more than a month, so i stopped.)
78. favourite color: must i say it out loud? PINK! heh!
79. favourite bad habit: speeding. trying to improve that, really. got two bad experiences already, my poor baby white... :(
80. favourite human-made thing so far: the multi-purpose clothed boxes. the one that came with a top, and the one which is made into multiple tiers drawers, which you can use to store basically anything. you can find it at watson, most of the time, and giant too. :)
81. favourite internet line: celcom b.band. since my wireless at home not that compatible with my laptop. :(
82. favourite good habit: drink plain, warm water before sleep, every night.
83. favourite chocolate: cadbury's turkish delight
84. favourite secret recipe: hazel cheese cake
85. favourite snack: kuaci
86. favourite self-written poem: metaphor of life
87. favourite self-written lyric: ashes of life
88. favourite keys on the computer keypad: page up, page down, home, end
89. favourite keys on the phone keypad: space
90. favourite feature on the htc touch pro: notes. because i can write anything in it. ideas for my stories, reminders, numbers to have with me all the time. :)
91. favourite sci-fi movie: star wars la, come on!
92. favourite star wars character: yoda. he's cute. and the way he talks in reverse is way cute and rare! :) and yeah, he's very, very good at fighting too, may the force be with you!
93. favourite starbucks: caramel machiato (is that the right spelling?)
94. favourite backpack: tropicana life
95. favourite time spent which i don't have very often: alone time at the airport while waiting for a plane, listening to my music in my ears, minding my own business and observing people around me and going to the bookstore and sembonia boutique. :) yeah. that's my ideal alone time, besides the one i spend with this laptop.
96. favourite time spent which i do have quite often: curling in my comforter in bed, hugging my baby pooh tight. :)
97. favourite country (s) i want to be at: makkah and madinah. you can find solace at no other place, believe me. :)
98. favourite time i look forward to everyday, now: solat time. because that is the time when i can express how i feel, what i think, i can plead to the All-Knowing, the Almighty, anything. and it's my time to rest after a hard day at work too. to have a peace of mind. you hardly can find it at any other time, believe me. :)

so, there you go. sharing with you my list of 100 favourites. what do you think? don't use it against me, though, okay? :)

My mother's hands...

Those were the first thing that I saw,
When they touched my face,
Caressed my heart,
And smoothed my hair,
My mother’s hands…

Those that held me close when I cried,
That fed me to be who I am today,
That drew me close for a hug,
That touched me soft for a laugh,
My mother’s hands…

Those that pulled me upright when I fell,
That taught me how to count,
That guided me how to button my dress,
That showed me life,
And a whole thing inside it,
My mother’s hands…

Those that I miss when I’m alone at night,
I miss their warmth,
I miss their softness,
I miss their gentle touch,
My mother’s hands…

Those that I kiss,
For support and strength,
For guidance and lesson,
For love and assurance,
My mother’s hands…

Those are the most beautiful thing I ever seen,
I ever touched,
I ever known,
My mother’s hands…

Rodhiah Rahman 060904…
well, this is supposed to be posted on mother's day, but then my mind was preoccupied with something else that day, so i kinda forgot. heh. anyway, i wrote this a while ago, actually. that was the exact date, sixth of september 2004. i couldn't really remember why i wrote this in the first place, but i suspected this was written when i was away studying, 2004 marked the second year i was in college, so i suspected this was written when i was homesick and missing home and missing my mom. :)
i guess it's something to be shared, eh? i mean we went through the same stages in our life. along the way, there's always that pair of hands guiding us along. our mothers'. yeah, we had our moments. we had those times when we thought we could stand on our own, those times when we thought we were old enough to go through without those hands to pull us upright if we fell. those times when we secretly said in our mind, just leave me alone and let me be. let me make my mistakes. and yeah, we did make mistakes. but then, those hands always come to guide us back where we should be, where it's right to be. however big that mistake can be.
there are times when u give them the silent treatment, when they give u the silent treatment. how it hurt like @#$% when both things happen. i still remember that time when i got trasferred to a district hospital quite far from home. i was fine with it. i was during that phase when i said, yes, finally, i got to stand on my own two feet. but, then my mother gave me the silent treatment. the longest i ever remembered. and during that time, i found myself crying with no reasons at all, just the tears slowly trickling down, most times, unexpectedly. until she started to speak to me again, then i began to smile again, those tears gone. just like that.
so then, i came to realize, no matter how hard you try to prove to yourself that you're grown up, you're independent, deep inside there's still that little child inside you who'll always need your mother. who'll always need that pair of life-worn hands.
Hadith Sahih Muslim narrated Abu Huraira who reported a person said; 'Allah's messenger, who amongst the people most deserving of my good treatment?' Rasulullah s.a.w said; 'your mother, again your mother, again you mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).'
Rasulullah repeated 'mother' three times as the person most deserving of our good treatment. then, barulah father. that's how important, how high, how noble a mother is to a muslim. for ladies, when they're married, the role is transferred to their husbands. their husbands are the person most deserving of their good treatments as long as the husbands obeyed Allah's rules. but for men, its' still their mothers. the rule doesn's change for them.
so men and unmarried ladies, appreciate your mothers, please. go to them, kiss them, kiss their hands and ask for their forgiveness. because even a word 'huh!' you said to them made you unworthy of paradise. yes, you may make mistakes. yes, you may lose your temper. but don't ever forget to ask for their forgiveness. because only their forgiveness will earn you God's forgiveness.
for those who lost your mothers, it's okay. there's always a prayer. doa. pray hard for them. pray for their forgiveness from God, for their souls to be placed in the holiest place, close to Him. A prayer is always the best gift you can give anyone. dead or alive. here and hereafter.
so, well, yeah, i'm still living with my parents. at times i do feel restrained, i do feel trapped. but then, i remembered one person at an optometrist shop said to me, i'm lucky to still be living with my parents, because i have the chance to take care of them the way they took care of me when i was little. thinking back, she was right. not many peole were given that chance. to give back what was given to them unconditionally long, long time ago. so, in a way, i'm actually lucky.
and yeah, i'm very lucky to still have someone to wash my clothes and prepare me dinner everytime i got back from work too, heh! :)
i guess, they are still taking care of me eh? not yet the other way around? hehehe... :P

pharmacy...

One very, very bored friend asked me to write about this. At the risk of increasing the intensity of her boredom, i still comply. U have time to run away, skip, logoff, pangkah, whatever.
So, here goes. To the rest of u who still want to get bored. Pharmacy. What does it represent, you ask me.. well, let me ask u, what comes to mind when you see that word?
Hm...?
Guardian? Watson? Supplement? Medicines? Tukang bagi ubat kat spital?
Yup. All correct.
But, the fact that we have to study for 4 years for this must be saying that it is not that simple. Not to us who have to tonggang-tonggek belajar selok-belok, atas-bawah, kiri-kanan, belakang-depan, utara-selatan-timur-barat-baratdaya-baratlaut-tenggara-timurlaut pasal ubat-ubatan ni.
So, benda pertama yang dipelajari back in our first year was that pharmacy is divided into four categories. Clinical pharmacy which is our tukang bagi ubat dekat hospital, retail pharmacy which is our tukang bagi ubat dekat guardian, Watson, or any pharmacies out there, industrial pharmacy which is our tukang buat ubat dekat kilang-kilang buat ubat mana yang ada kat Malaysia ni, and academia pharmacy which is our teachers dekat university yang kena mengajar kat kita org yang baru nak mengenal farmasi ni. That was first year. Going past second and towards third and forth year, we were enforced to go deeper into only one category of pharmacy, which is clinical pharmacy. Which is where i’m currently working rite now.
Yup, wow, u’re such a good student. Hospital pharmacy. U got that one rite, heh!
So, to be honest, i did think, back when i was a naive first year student, that pharmacy in the hospital was just strictly giving medicines to people. I was wrong. Boy, i was way wrong. That is the job description for dispenser, or we now call, pharmacist assistant. For me, a pharmacist, a bachelor grad, the job description is wider, broader, and way more complicated than just thrusting pills at people.
So, okay, to go a lil’ bit into the details. Hospital pharmacy has to handle supply of medicines to people, true, and also to wards and other units like the emergency department and there’s also a pharmacist at the main store of a hospital to approve purchasing of the medicines and the supply to the said units including pharmacy unit.
Talking of supplying medicines, we don’t merely supply. We have to make sure what we supply is correct. I mean, we’re talking about people’s lives here. The risk is high. So, in order to do that, pharmacist plays a big role. Pharmacists have to check the medicines are given correctly, saying it simply, kena pastikan dos, berapa banyak kali kena bagi, sebab nak bagi ubat tu in the first place, all of those kena betul. Takkan tak de kuman, nak kena bagi antibiotic kut, betul tak? (although, this is practised widely under the false pretense of precaution). Kena jugak check side effects dia, boleh tak patient tu tolerate ubat tu... things like that. And that is a wholla a lot of work. Because there a wholla lot of patients and a wholla lot of medicines. Memang dulu waktu belajar, jenuh korek ruang dalam otak nak menghafal nama-nama ubat ni. Hampeh, tak ingat pun! Bila kerja, duk tengok tu je hari-hari, baru la lekat nama ubat, dos dia, frekuensi dia, side effects dia mana yang common. Tu pun tak la semua. Baru kerja tak sampai 3 tahun, weh!
Back to pharmacists. Pharmacists jugak kena check kandungan sesetengah jenis ubat tu cukup ke tak, ke lebih ke, ke kurang ke dalam tubuh badan seseorang pesakit tu. It’s called the Therapeutic Drug Monitoring unit, to be specific. Sebab ada ubat yang kalau lebih, boleh buat bahaya kat organ dalam badan pesakit. So, kena check selalu. Dan nak menge’check’ tu, kena kira pakai formula yang memang waktu belajar dulu made me feel like throwing the book out of the window. Serabut, berselirat dengan symbol pelik-pelik, entah apa-apa. Tapi, sekarang bila dah kerja, slow-slow, boleh terima, fuh! :)
Pharmacists jugak kena bagi kaunseling kat pesakit yang makan terlampau banyak ubat. Kut ada interaksi ke, lawan-lawan perang ke ubat tu dalam badan nanti. Kena jugak cerita macam mana nak guna sesetengah jenis ubat, macam insulin untuk pesakit diabetes, yang ada kena guna pen untuk cucuk ubat tu. Pesakit lelah yg guna inhaler. Kena ajar dia orang macam mana nak guna properly.
Pharmacists and pharmacist assistant jugak yang kena prepare ubat antikanser, yang cara penyediaannya kena dalam environment yang terkawal, sebab ubat ni special sikit. Fungsinya nak matikan sel-sel kanser, tapi ada jugak sel-sel badan yang boleh dibunuhnya. So, orang yang nak membuatnya ni kena la pakai apa-apa safety precaution equipment yang patut. Untuk mengelak badan terkena harmful side effects like that.
Heh, apa lagi? Ada yang dah dozed off ke? :)
Hm, tu basically what we do at the hospital. We also have ward pharmacists now, kerja kat wad, ikut doktor round and bincang dengan doktor treatment apa yang paling bagus untuk seseorang pesakit. Bidang ni memang ramai pharmacists yang gerun sikit (including me, heh!).. sebabnya, takut nak borak dengan doktor. Hah! Padahal, doktor tak cucuk pharmacist pun, cucuk patient je.. hehe... tapi, ye la.. it’s the stigma... feeling intimidated tu memang ada... selagi tak confident enough, tak cukup ilmu dan pengalaman, memang akan macam tu. Especially apabila berdepan dengan doktor pakar. Maunya malam tu tonggang-tonggek study dulu apa yang patut.
Besides that, we also have management side. Kerja buat kajian la, buat laporan la, bagi maklumat ubat-ubatan kat orang yang bertanya la. Tapi kalau nak citer bab yang tu, yang dozed off tadi terus terkulai pengsan kut, mana yang belum dozed off, selamat dah start bermimpi. Heh!
So, tu dekat hospital. Dekat retail, basically buat benda yang sama jugak. Jual ubat. Bagi kaunseling mana yang perlu kaunseling. Uruskan purchasing atau pembelian macam pharmacist yang jaga stor kat hospital.
Dan semua ni kena buat according to the laws. Banyak tau laws berkaitan ubat-ubatan ni. Jenuh jugak nak menghafal klausa-klausanya dulu. Yang ada dengar kat TV selalu, Akta Dadah Merbahaya la apa la tu pun pernah jugak kita orang tonggang-tonggek kena menghafal perenggan apa cakap apa. Huh? Apa dia? Sekarang ingat lagi ke?
Of course not! Heh!
Bercakap pasal law, ada jugak pharmacists yang kerja dekat law enforcement office. Kejar drug pusher, jadi spy siasat mana-mana tempat yang jual ubat tak berdaftar, check lesen, menyamar beli ubat Viagra, lepas tu tangkap orang yang menjual tu. Heh, it sounds fun, ey? Yeah...
It comes with a price, though. First, kena belajar basic. Yang memang Tuhan je yang tau jerih payahnya. Yang sometimes bila kerja, tak guna pun basic tu, sebab belajar pulak benda lain altogether different. Second, deal dengan nyawa orang. Memang la doktor yang first line deal with patients ni, tapi kalau tersilap... uih, nauzubillah... Third, deal dengan orang. Bukan senang. Pelbagai ragam. Tu nak kata orang yang jadi pelanggan di hospital. Belum lagi orang yang buat salah laku jenayah jual ubat entah apa-apa kat luar sana. Forth, deal dengan the risk of being bribed. Ye la, nama lagi ubat. Benda yang memang orang perlu kalau dah sakit. Dan bukan orang yang sakit macam sakit jantung, darah tinggi je perlu ubat. Orang sakit ‘lain’ pun konon perlu jugak. Dan orang yang jadi pharmacists ni la yang bahaya kalau didatangi ‘orang-orang’ yang nak ubat tak legal macam ni.
Heh, so, still interesting to you? Maybe... it is to me, now that i explain it like this.. hm... maybe, i am cut-out for this after all, ey? However i try to say it otherwise before? Maybe...
angah? satisfied? :P