Monday, August 23, 2010

not in a good mood...

when i was not in a good mood, i used to:
1. listen to songs BLASTING in both my ears with the highest volume my walkman could provide, shutting up the outer world completely. choices of songs varied, mostly the most depressing, dark and gothic types i could get my hands on, ranging from linkin park, nirvana to evanescence.
2. slam the door, HARD. and i didn't give a damn whose face was disfigured in the process.
3. slam things. anything. be it books, handphone, cds, cd player, whatever. anything i could get my hands on. and i didn't give a damn if it broke, either.
4. curse. BADLY. shit was the constant profanity, hell was the second mostly said. sometimes it went bad enough to f%^k. and my trademark curse to a person (my best friends knew this) was 'tengkorak hidup kau berjambul!' hah!
5. speed. be it power-jogging or speed-driving. i guess the adrenaline rush kept my head straight and my mood thus improved.
6. look at people blankly. be it a person closest to me. i could make the coldest expression on my face and tuned out whatever the person was saying completely.
7. sleep. with the said depressing, dark and gothic songs blasting in my ears. and sometimes with angry tears on my cheeks.
8. talk to my teddy. poured my heart out to it. because for the sole reason that it could not exactly respond. because i was afraid if i unleashed it all out on people, they wouldn't give me the feedback i wanted. and i would be dissappointed. and thus my mood would not improve.
9. cry in the bathroom or toilet. i would feel very much better afterwards.
10. sing out loud to whatever chester was screaming about. and laugh at myself for being THAT silly.
11. daydream. went into my fantasy world, my sole escape once upon a time. but, when i woke up from it, i did not feel any better. because i knew right then and there that it was just a dream, and thus wouldn't happen and i only ended up getting angrier with myself.
12. write in my private journals. or write a few depressing poems or lyrics. felt a bit better reading it all back there soon after that. relieved, maybe. but, after a while, when i read it all back later, it only made me feel sorry for myself. and that didn't improve anything.

now, when i'm not in a good mood, i:
1. fall silent. keep quiet. so quiet that people around me will worry.
2. recite the tafsir. definitely the best balm for the sore heart, i would say. surah like al-Insyirah (Alam Nasyrah), ad-Dhuha, ar-Rahman, al-Mulk, al-Waaqiah really can make you feel grateful and small. small in this world that He created. and cry a good tear or two or more. but, when i'm feeling bad and i can not do this (because of my monthly cycle) i will feel even worse with myself. i will miss the verses. :( have to teach myself to multiply zikr, i guess.
3. try reading. don't get me wrong, reading has always been my passion, but not when i was in a bad mood. i try to do it now when i'm not feeling so good with myself. depends on what books i read, it actually helps. i feel much better after that.
4. listen to good islamic music. nasheed, mostly. lagu-lagu ketuhanan. soothe my ears and my mind and my heart. make me cry a good tear or two or more too.
5. smile. suspiciously a fake one. but, somehow, when the lips stretch along my face to form that particular expression, i will automatically feel a bit better inside. it just does. to me, anyway. so fake or not, i'll do it.
6. sleep. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and still with the songs blaring in my ears. but maybe, not the depressing, dark and gothic ones anymore. but sometimes, still with the tears running down my cheeks.
7. write. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i try to write inspirational poems, lyrics, stories, though, no more depressing ones.
8. talk to my teddy. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. i know it cannot respond, but somehow seeing that cute face just make it better, whatever it is.
9. sing out loud to whatever it is on radio or in the cd player. especially when i'm in the car. and laughingly shaking my head at the silliness of it. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above.
10. cry in the bathroom or toilet. notice painfully that i HAVE mentioned this above. i just can't help it.
11. daydream. notice that i HAVE mentioned this above. and i hate myself for it. i really want to stop this, but i just can't help where my mind wander to sometimes or most of the time. my mind has a mind of its own, without me controlling it. hah. is that possible? or is it just plain crazy and ridiculous? heh...
anyway, PLEASE NOTE how many time i quote 'notice that i HAVE mentioned this above'. because most of the methods do not differ much from when i used to be and where i am right now. i still cry, i still talk to my teddy, i still daydream, i still try to break a hole in my eardrums with the highest volume of anything i feel like listening, however i hate doing those and however i try to get rid of them. however i try to just depend on the holy verses, these habits won't go away. they just FRUSTRATINGLY won't. hm...
well, there's a saying anyway, right?
old habits die hard, eh?
you know what? i think whoever that came with that saying, 'old habits die hard' should be given a nobel laureate or a nobel prize, whatever, because that is quite a SAYING. if you know what i mean.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

my problem is.... oh no.. my problemS ARE...

my problems are:
1. i don't know how to tell people my problem.
2. i don't give a damn about how i look.
3. i don't give a damn about what other people think or feel about me (until recently).
4. i get easily bored, be it with people, things, the net, monotonous empty conversations (with only a few exceptions, the things and people i doubt i'll ever be bored with: good insightful lyric and beautiful music, my family, my best friends, linkin park and good novels).
5. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i miss them.
6. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i love them.
7. i don't know how to show or tell my family i love them.
8. i don't know how to show or tell anything at all.
9. i am suddenly at the dead end of a journey and i don't know where i'm heading next.
10. it's been a while since ideas flown in every morning and every night.
11. it's been a while since i can smile sincerely from my heart.
12. it's been a while since i stop cursing and i feel like doing it again.
13. it's been a while since i look forward to something and now there's nothing worth looking for.
14. it's been a while since i last wrote in here, hah!
15. i hate the shower at home with it's teeny, tiny, trickle of water. what's the use of having three bathrooms when u can only use one at one given time?
16. i hate not being able to speak up.
17. i hate feeling angry inside and can only unleash it out with tears.
18. i hate the cramping pain in my gut whenever my monthly flux is due and when i'm too sad i can't even sob. and then, the cramps worsen.
19. i hate the fact that i can't say what i really feel. i can only think it.
20. i hate the fact that i'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now and the only thing i can show is a fake smile.
21. i hate bad thoughts i'm having in my mind right now.
22. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in men.
23. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in marriage institution.
24. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in love.
25. i hate being scared.
26. i'm scared of today's world with its abuse cases, throwing babies around, frolicking around, endless war, bad politics. you name it.
27. i'm scared of men.
28. i'm scared of love and lost.
29. i'm scared of not being able to set everything right.
30. i'm scared of this burden suddenly feels so heavy on my shoulders, even though i shouldn't have to carry it alone.
31. i'm scared of time. of it ticking away and i'm still here, doing practically nothing. unmoving.
32. i'm scared of you reading this and frowning your forehead and thinking what-the-heck-is-this-girl-trying-to-say and logging off.
33. i'm scared of relapse. me relapsing into who i used to be. tak nak dah, please, ya Tuhan.
34. i'm scared of you knowing all this about me and doubting me, thinking gile-ke-hapa-budak-ni?
35. i'm scared of me. of me writing this all out. of me risking hatred from you. of me telling you these problems that keep bothering my mind when i've said at number 1 that i don't know how to tell people my problems.
36. actually, i'm not telling my problems at all, am i? i haven't yet contradicted number 1 since i don't tell you in details yet what this is all about. because i don't even know what this is all about.
37. my problem number 37: i think i'm going crazy.
38. i think my hormones are going grazy.
39. i think this is a crazy entry. i could always delete it. forget it. babai it. be gone with it! (that was a line from natalie portman in the other boleyn girl) but then, here comes problem number 40: I DON'T WANT TO.
the end
p/s not the end of the problems. since life has never been without problems. it's just the end of this entry.
the end