Friday, September 3, 2010

To the one who passed away...

He was on number 2 in my entry I posted a few months ago.
He was Mr. I.
He was the one I stalked for three years, starting when I was in form three, going on until form five. Never wavered direction.
He was the one who made me smile by just having caught a glimpse of him in that red van on our way back from school.
He was the one who made me smile throughout the day by just having caught a glimpse of him anytime during school.
He was the one I dedicated a few girly poems to.
He was, basically, my first taste I had at having a crush on somebody.
He was, really, my first taste I had at having my heart broken (or so, I thought) when he ignored me. But, I realize now, he just didn’t want to give me false hope.
He’s gone now, though. My best friend just broke the news to me this morning. Accident. He’s been in coma for almost two weeks, she told me, and today, finally, he slipped away. On the blessed day of Friday. During the blessed month of Ramadhan. May Allah bless his soul.
Hearing this news, it was shocking, but somehow, the first thing that came to mind at that time this morning was that I’m glad I parted in good term with him.
You see, he ignored me back at school, but when I was in my first year in college, he suddenly contacted me. The usual exchange of greetings, him asking me how I was doing, but then I remembered his last message to me. He told me to be in touch with him, whenever I needed a good friend to talk to and at that time I felt he was sincere. I knew I found a good friend in him. I didn’t contact him since then, because I moved on, but that was one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. And I remember that again, today. With tears in my eyes.
It was shocking, him being gone. I could only imagine how his wife and family are feeling right now. He was a good man. They are lucky they got to know him more than I had. I only wish I could tell them that.
And today also, I found this hadith:
Abu Hurraira reported that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, "Remember frequently the thing that cuts off pleasures," i.e. death." [Tirmidhi].
We remember those who passed away and we should also remember our time will come too, one day. Cherish every day you have as long as you’re breathing and find ways to do good, to gain His blessings. And pray that He will forgive us and those whom we love.
Ya Allah, bless our friend’s soul, please forgive his sins and rest him in peace with those whom You love. Ameen.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Happy Birthday to... me... :)

well, it's 1st september. i'm 26 today. or technically i'll be in another 10 minutes. at 8.13pm. just after maghrib and before isyak, like my mother used to say. kinda easy to remember, since it's the day after Malaysia's Independence Day. heh. my mom used to tell me that she did go to the clinic on the merdeka day, hoping I would be a merdeka baby, but i refused to come out that day 26 years ago and chose to come out the next day, 1st september, instead. hehe. even then, i was already showing my stubbornness. before i was even born! talk about capital D for Degil, hehe. anyway, i was born on a saturday, but i forgot where i put the date of my birthday on Hijrah calendar. i have it somewhere, i really do... somewhere...
anyway, I'm 26 today.
26. bye bye 25, hello 26. kinda creepily, freakingly, scarily close to 30, don't you think? but then, to quote my brother's wish for my birthday today, 'it's just a number, sis!'. yeah, okay, i feel so much better. (*rolling eyes*).
so, the thought that keeps nagging at the back of my mind about today is that i want to move on. there is going to be a lot of changes around me this coming days; change of head of department at work (erk! cuak!), change of responsibilities (me taking over a colleague's work at another department since she's taking maternity leave, erk! tak nak!), change of my perspective on life (er... tu... that needs a whole new entry to elaborate), change of my aim in life (another entry, obviously... *rolling eyes again*), change of er... me? yeah, i'm changing. hopefully for the better. and hence, the moving on part.
because suddenly i feel restless. i feel like that flightless bird again. you know, you remember my old entry about that song from twilight soundtrack? yeah, yeah, another entry... never mind that.
anyway, i want to move on. seriously. i don't think i can handle a whole bunch of changes, all at the same time, coming right at me from every direction, which leaves me no way to dodge or duck or whatever. i want to run away. hah. escape. i want to escape from this seemingly suffocating environment. from here to somewhere out there. where? God knows where. i don't. not yet, anyway.
i'm getting tired of routines, again. so, yeah, i'll be having new types of work to do, but then, maybe, i'm getting tired of the environment too. i've been visiting places, and i like doing that. i've seen what's out there and i'd like to explore more. it has become my addiction, not just for the sake of travelling and taking photographs at other people's places, but most part of it is because of what i learnt from these places. what i felt when i was there. it's a mixed of awe, gratitude, admiration, and pure happiness. it's a feeling you don't get so easily.
i want to move on from what i'm doing now. i'm exhausted. i'm getting tired of it. i want to do something different. totally different. something fresh, new, exciting, creative and doesn't require my 8am to 5pm commitment everyday. every week day, i mean. still, it's tiring. i think i'm not fit for an office job. duh!
i want to move on from past life. forget the memories. the good and the bad ones. hah. yeah. you're asking me the big question, WHY? again, because i'm getting tired of remembering them and knowing i'm the only one who does. the rest of us have moved on. have new life. better ones too. and it hurts knowing that i'm stuck here with old memories keep replaying and replaying and replaying in my head. it's like i'm the old recording video tape stuck in a vcr, while the rest of you move on to blue-ray dvds. okay, not getting what i'm trying to say? just ignore it. or just picture this. i'm walking in circles (chester bennington and the cover album for the dead by sunrise is flashing in my mind right now) going round and round and round, making a perfect circle while the rest of you go crazy with all the shapes in various sizes available on this planet. still not getting what i'm trying to say? uk-uh, sorry, but, you're kinda slow... okay, ripping off all the metaphors, i'm sick of having no direction to go from here. i want to go somewhere. get out of the circle. get out of the vcr. okay, sorry, here i go with the metaphors again. moving on...
i want to move on from my head. no, i'm not cutting it off (gila ke hapa?!) all those metaphors create havoc with your imagination, ey? heh. what i mean is i want to move on from these useless, empty thoughts in my head. i want to move on from empty dreams. i'm sick and tired of it. i want to move on, create new dreams, real dreams, dreams that are achievable. dreams that will mean something. dreams that are worth dreaming, because it can come true. not easy to do, when 'berangan' is like breathing to me. it's there with me every second of every day. it's like i can't live if i don't berangan, duh!
seriously. you didn't see this coming when reading that pretty much innocent title of this entry, did you? sorry.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. maybe i'm maturing up and realising that there is a lot more out there to be discovered and i want to do that. maybe i'm just feeling restless again and need desperately to just get out, to become flighty bird, not flightless one. maybe i'm just fed-up with myself, for the lack of ideas when they used to be so many before. maybe because i'm turning 26 and that number, despite what my brother said, scared me to death. i'm turning 26, today, exactly today, and i'm still here. not going anywhere. here.
all in all, reading all this back, i scold myself. i mean, come on. i should be grateful i'm still alive, shouldn't i? i should be grateful i'm still living and breathing and even, please God, don't make me do this anymore, 'berangan'ing... whoa, new vocab for you there... seriously, i'm luckier than some people will ever be... i'm lucky i can still celebrate my birthday today, here, berating you with all these nonsenses of moving on.
well, i'm moving on from that. :)
i'm not deleting all those words i've written. somehow, it helps to know that now you know how imperfect i am. i can be angry at things, at people, at circumstances, and suddenly after a while, with God's help, i realize how stupid it is to be angry. how ungrateful. and i never want to be that. ever. honest.
so, now, i'm taking it positively. one step at a time, though.
Alhamdulillah, it's 1st september today.
Alhamdulillah, i'm turning 26 today.
Alhamdulillah, i'm still here, breathing calmly, with my blocked nose slowly recovering (i caught the flu last two days, but i'm much better now. :))
Alhamdulillah, i can still write in here, telling you honestly about what i feel, what i think, what i want. although jumbled up with emotion, but then that's how the message needs to get across, right? with a little dose of feeling. :)
Alhamdulillah, i'm moving on from my anger and hopefully will be moving on from more negative thoughts, negative feelings towards positivity, Allah willing.
all in all, i'm celebrating my birthday by moving on. towards something better. whatever it is. He knows. He'll help. insya Allah. pray for me, will you? it's the best present anyone could ever get for their birthday, a sincere prayer. thank you. :)