Thursday, April 21, 2011

I don't wanna be...

Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately.... ooops, that sounds awfully familiar. Yup, lyrics from gavin degraw’s i don’t want to be, 1 tree hill theme song, eheh! Well, i don’t want to talk about the song, i want to talk about what i don’t want to be:

1. A hypocrite. One heck of a job to do that. We are all a bit of hypocrites here and there with our own twisted reasons and excuses.

2. A brag. I hate bragging. If u’re good at something, prove it, don’t talk about it yet until it’s there, plain for everyone to see.

3. A goody-goody two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on- shoes.

4. A snob

5. A lazy ass. One heck of a job too. I am lazy.

6. A back-stabbing friend

7. An ungrateful person

8. An unforgiving individual

9. A forgetful person.

10. A kissing-ass b%!@#

11. A psycho

12. Alone

13. A grunge holder (?)

14. Jealous

15. Bad

16. Awful

17. Bad-mouthing anyone to anyone

18. Scared anymore

19. Loveless

20. Lifeless

21. Boring

22. Dull

23. Losing my sense of humour, which i sense is close, and that is bad. Bad. Bad.

24. Helpless

25. Hopeless

26. Clueless

27. Without aim

28. Aimless. Damn, that’s the same thing.

29. In a writer’s-block mode, but apparently, here i am.

30. Misguided into doing what i don’t want to do and pretending i like doing it.

31. Losing interest in my work, but sadly, that is what’s happening now.

32. Chained, figuratively. I’m a free-soul, held down too tightly now, though.

33. Restless, but i am, all the time

34. Stressed. Huh! Who wants that?!

35. A blur of existence. I want to exist and mean something to someone, clearly

36. Lost

37. A coward. But, uh, i am.

38. Losing my feeling

39. Reading without understanding

40. Watching without seeing

41. Losing interest in helping people.

42. Stuck in the past, but ops, i am.

43. Unforgiven

44. Hated, though i’m good at provoking someone to hate me, really.

45. Here and not there...

46. Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately, all i have to do is sing to me and i have a peace of mind, i’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what i got to do, or who i’m supposed to be, i don’t want to be anything other than... me. Yeah, gavin degraw’s again. His is the best definition and explanation.

There. In conclusion, i don’t want to be a lot of things. But most of the time that ‘a lot of things’ is just me. I’m not perfect. I have my vulnerabilities. I have insecurities. I have doubts. I have fear. Those make up who I am. I’m not saying I am all those things. Some i really hate to be and really try not to be. But there are some that i can’t help not to be. It’s just me.

I don’t want to be a lot of things. But, to put it simply, i sure as heck don’t want to be other than me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

of nuclear and power

we all know the tragedy that hit Japan last month on the eleventh, when a literally groundbreaking earthquake caused a massive tsunami to crash upon the island, sacrificing thousands of lives. we all know what we worried next when that happened. the nuclear plants on that island. and of course, the worry is justified. the tsunami caused serious damages to the plants, heating it up, which may in turn, from what i understood from reading about it, cause the radioactive particles inside the plants to break free and spread out. and we know what damage can radioactive particles do. very serious, indeed.
then, i found this article on the net, published on the 13th march, 2 days after the strike. i'm quoting just a bit of it:
"On Saturday, Japanese officials took the extraordinary step of flooding the crippled No. 1 reactor at Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station, 170 miles north of Tokyo, with seawater in a last-ditch effort to avoid a nuclear meltdown." (Japan earthquake: Nuclear crisis spreads to fourth plant by Hiroko Tabuchi, Matthew L Wald, New York Times, Updated: March 13, 2011 22:49 IST).
they flooded it in an attempt to cool it down.
the point to ponder here is this: we know tsunami is the giant waves of the seawater. and from this article, it is apparent that they use seawater to try to repair or reduce the damage caused, early on, by the giant waves of the seawater. can you see the irony? we use what was the cause of the problem in the first place to try to remedy the problem it caused. and now i'm talking in riddles....
what i'm trying to say here is this: we are powerless.
no matter how we try to prove it otherwise, by having nuclear reactors or whatnots, whatever, in one stroke of a power more powerful than us, it all will be gone. some call it force of nature, some call it wrath of god, some call it sequences of numbers and probabilities i don't ever want to understand, some call it whatever, whatnots.
for me, it's clear. it's a sign from the Almighty above to remind us how powerless we are. how we should bow down and remind ourselves that this world, that island are not ours to do whatever we like with them. this world is NOT ours. and we can see how bad we have forgotten that fact from the damage that particular tragedy had caused. it took us to see that kind of destruction to wake up. it's no longer small, small signs, it gets bigger and bigger as we went deeper and deeper into forgetting that everything in the world will go back to Him, the Creator.
He creates the seawater. He creates the island. He creates the tsunami. He creates the destruction to wake us up. and ironically we use back the things He creates to remedy the damage He also creates. which just proved that everything goes back to Him.
this is going to be a short entry. if i go further, i'll twist my words more and i'll stop making sense and that, i don't ever want to do. i don't know if i'm making sense now, but somehow, some way, that piece of article made me realize something. it might not make sense to you what i wrote here, but try to think. the irony of everything that happens. it's a lesson, in some sort of weird, twisted and wicked way, it is a lesson, nontheless.

Friday, April 15, 2011


Time passes like it has no meaning,
I wait and watch it ticking,
Contemplating a reason, an excuse,
for feeling scared and misused

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard

I have it all, loving parents, siblings and friends,
But I cry for them, trying to make amend,
The injustice, I want it to end,
Feeling scared of not being able to mend

Longing for someone who doesn't exist,
Instead of love, I found hatred in the mist,
I cried the dreams away and harden,
Now feeling scared and heartbroken

Past scars chase me,
Present wounds break me,
I don't know what the future holds for me,
And so I go on feeling scared for me

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not weak, just not strong,
Still on my way, searching for my heart,
Feeling scared of not finding, or losing it hard...

Penned by Rodhiah Rahman, 131106
I wrote this poem back then, a long time ago in 2006, when everything seemed cloudy and confusing. I can't believe I'm actually living the fear again, right now.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Saya suka drive-thru. Okay, mungkin kawan saya, Dayah won’t agree with me since she’s in charge of the drive-thru department in HSNZ and that sure as heck is a lot of work, but well, I’m not talking about that drive-thru. I’m not talking about the ATM drive-thru or pizza drive-thru or kfc drive-thru, either, because they don’t have those here in Terengganu. I’m talking about the McD drive-thru. Heh, I can actually picture my other friend, Melissa grinning from ear to ear at the mention of that (McD is her only saving grace here in Terengganu, ngee...). :)
So, anyway, saya pergi McD drive-thru pada suatu petang yang hening selepas balik kerja. As I was waiting in line to get to the ordering kiosk, something hit me. The flow of the drive-thru. Let’s imagine it together...
First, you get to order. And you’re given a whole lot of menus to choose from.
Then, you have to pay. Next, you get what you want. What you ordered.
Finally, you move on to the junction of the road, whether it be the right or the left. Or in a few occasion, straight to hit the gate of Giant. Huh? Never mind that. Hehe.
That, that flow, (minus the Giant part) is a lot like Life.
Yes, everything is fated. Yes, everything is written way before we were even born. Yes, at the end of the day, we have only that one destination to head to. But, one wise person said in her book that and I quote, ‘everything is fated, only interchanged by God’s will, effort and doa’ (refer Versus, Hlovate). It’s true.
That God’s will depend on us. Tuhan takkan tolong hamba-Nya yang tak nak tolong diri dia sendiri. Which brings us to the first step of ‘driving-thru’ life.
First, ordering or making the choices. Let’s face it, as we live, it’s all about making choices. We’re paraded with a whole lot of choices, more than three boards of burgers can ever provide, and it’s up to us to choose. The good or the bad. The best or the worst. Choosing that depends on how far we believe God will help us. How many of our prayers will He answer? What should we do to make Him help us? What should we do so that He wants to help us? Over and over and over? It depends on the effort, the doa. The choice we finally make, the significant of each and every single one of it, will depend heavily on our effort, our prayers. And if He decides He wants to help us, He will hint the best choice deep in our hearts, insya Allah.
Then, we have to pay. Whatever choice we make, we will have to pay before we get to see the outcome. Paying is striving. We put out all that we have (in the case of McD, all that I had in my wallet that day, heh!) into it. Into what we want. It can be a struggle, sometimes or most of the time. And we may wonder whether we made the right choice. If God had helped us, we will be confident it is the right choice. If He hadn’t, there must be something lacking in our process of choosing earlier. So, we might have to go back. But notice that the drive-thru flow is a one-way street... Oh... no... we just have to plunge on.
Next, we get what we ordered. What we chose. Whatever we feel about the choices we’ve made, whatever we have to pay, we have to deal with it. Go ahead and take the outcome. Swallow it. Walau tak sedap macam mana pun, it’s already done. We’ve chosen, we’ve paid. A lot of efforts have been poured into it. So we just have to take it as it is.
Finally, we move on. Wherever we want to be, right or left or straight, we go on.
Then when we need to decide another thing, another occasion, another event, another whatever, we have to go back to the first kiosk. It’s a cycle. Ongoing cycle for life. Make choices, pay for it and swallow the outcome. The most important step is always the first one. The one when you stare at the menu, stare and pray and talk to yourself and talk to the steering wheel of the car and talk to the dashboard and talk to the radio deejay of whatever station you’re listening to and talk in your head over and over and over again, and make effort to gain help for the best choice by talking to Him and doing what He wants us to do. It’s not easy, making a choice. It’s the hardest step. But always remember His promise, sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.
Hm... That’s a lot you get from a drive-thru, huh? Yeah, I know. My imagination went into over-drive that day. But, see it this way, every single one of Allah’s creation, from the tiniest microbe to the largest galaxy, He creates them for a reason. For us, human being to learn and study. Because we are blessed with the one thing other creatures don’t have. Our mind that can think. Think. Even the idea of ‘drive-thru’ that He gave to some-whoever-it-was a long time ago is meant to teach us something. Something that we can apply in our daily lives.
So, here it is. My new, updated version of Metaphor of Life. The Drive-Thru. Just here to share. Thank you. Wallahualam.