my problem is.... oh no.. my problemS ARE...

my problems are:
1. i don't know how to tell people my problem.
2. i don't give a damn about how i look.
3. i don't give a damn about what other people think or feel about me (until recently).
4. i get easily bored, be it with people, things, the net, monotonous empty conversations (with only a few exceptions, the things and people i doubt i'll ever be bored with: good insightful lyric and beautiful music, my family, my best friends, linkin park and good novels).
5. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i miss them.
6. i don't know how to show or tell my best friends how i love them.
7. i don't know how to show or tell my family i love them.
8. i don't know how to show or tell anything at all.
9. i am suddenly at the dead end of a journey and i don't know where i'm heading next.
10. it's been a while since ideas flown in every morning and every night.
11. it's been a while since i can smile sincerely from my heart.
12. it's been a while since i stop cursing and i feel like doing it again.
13. it's been a while since i look forward to something and now there's nothing worth looking for.
14. it's been a while since i last wrote in here, hah!
15. i hate the shower at home with it's teeny, tiny, trickle of water. what's the use of having three bathrooms when u can only use one at one given time?
16. i hate not being able to speak up.
17. i hate feeling angry inside and can only unleash it out with tears.
18. i hate the cramping pain in my gut whenever my monthly flux is due and when i'm too sad i can't even sob. and then, the cramps worsen.
19. i hate the fact that i can't say what i really feel. i can only think it.
20. i hate the fact that i'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now and the only thing i can show is a fake smile.
21. i hate bad thoughts i'm having in my mind right now.
22. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in men.
23. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in marriage institution.
24. i hate the fact that i'm slowly losing trust in love.
25. i hate being scared.
26. i'm scared of today's world with its abuse cases, throwing babies around, frolicking around, endless war, bad politics. you name it.
27. i'm scared of men.
28. i'm scared of love and lost.
29. i'm scared of not being able to set everything right.
30. i'm scared of this burden suddenly feels so heavy on my shoulders, even though i shouldn't have to carry it alone.
31. i'm scared of time. of it ticking away and i'm still here, doing practically nothing. unmoving.
32. i'm scared of you reading this and frowning your forehead and thinking what-the-heck-is-this-girl-trying-to-say and logging off.
33. i'm scared of relapse. me relapsing into who i used to be. tak nak dah, please, ya Tuhan.
34. i'm scared of you knowing all this about me and doubting me, thinking gile-ke-hapa-budak-ni?
35. i'm scared of me. of me writing this all out. of me risking hatred from you. of me telling you these problems that keep bothering my mind when i've said at number 1 that i don't know how to tell people my problems.
36. actually, i'm not telling my problems at all, am i? i haven't yet contradicted number 1 since i don't tell you in details yet what this is all about. because i don't even know what this is all about.
37. my problem number 37: i think i'm going crazy.
38. i think my hormones are going grazy.
39. i think this is a crazy entry. i could always delete it. forget it. babai it. be gone with it! (that was a line from natalie portman in the other boleyn girl) but then, here comes problem number 40: I DON'T WANT TO.
the end
p/s not the end of the problems. since life has never been without problems. it's just the end of this entry.
the end