Friday, December 31, 2010


i miss my best friends. a lot.
and this is the only place i can say that.
i'm not good at saying my feelings out loud. i'm not good at showing how i really feel towards people. that is one of my many, many weaknesses, i'm afraid. i'm not the kind of friend who goes on hugging friends, not even those i haven't seen for ages. i'll feel awkward, to be honest. deep down i like and appreciate it, but still the awkwardness won't go away. i'm not the kind of friend who calls friends just to chat, not even once a month. i wouldn't know what to chat about. i wouldn't know what topic to go into when we got past the greetings. i hardly sms to ask how a friend is doing, i'll only be texting to wish them happy birthday. and that is when i ask them how they're doing. once a year. that is the only way i show them that i do remember them. by remembering their birthdays. but, i do remember them. a lot. i miss them.
there's a reason to it, though. my one, solid excuse. my best friends move on with their lives. and me with my naive and at times, stupid thought believe that i don't want to bother them.
tonight, i miss my three best friends from uitm more than ever. and this is why i'm writing this.
i miss our laughter together. i miss our tears together. those four years we shared cannot be replaced by anything, anything at all. i still keep the memories, even though they already go way far along the road, leaving me behind. i held on to the little things they ever gave me for as long as i could. my keepsakes.
Elya once gave me this keychain with four cartoon figurines on it for my birthday in 2006 (i think). each representing everyone of us, she said. me was the naughtiest and the skinniest one, heh. i lost it in the built-in-the-floor heater at my sister's rented house in melbourne in august 2010. i sat there crouching on the floor, groping for it for hours, but didn't find it. maybe i lost it somewhere else. but the fact remained that hurt me most is just that: i LOST it. it might be just a little, meaningless thing to some people, but not to me. it represented me and my three best friends. it represented the memories. it represented a friend who loves her friend. i've held on to it for years, dangling from my favorite backpack and it traveled with me. to bangkok, and melbourne twice. i'm so sorry i lost it.
Maria once gave me a set of pink brooches, because she knew i like pink, one smaller than the other, also for my birthday. i didn't wear it when i was still studying, because i was not much of a girl who swung her tudung this way and that way. i was pretty much a simple girl who worked just fine with one brooch. so, i kept it in the box she gave me. i started wearing them when i started working, at the end of 2007. and never stopped wearing them until i lost them too, somewhere i didn't even know, recently. i hate this. she didn't even know whether i ever wore them, because she never saw me do. but believe me, they were my favorite brooches for as long as i could hold on to them. still, some people might say, what the heck, it's just brooches, but it's a gift. from a best friend. who knew and noticed and understood what i like and dislike.
Fad once surprised me with a cute little dinosaur teddy, with pink polka dots all over its body for my birthday. i named it Baby Pinky. one friend saw it and thought it suited to be called Measles, for the dots on its body, heh! nice name. even funnier than that, when all of us went to my sister's house one day, we saw that my barely one year old niece had the same teddy in her arms. what a coincidence! mak sedara ngalahkan anak sedara main teddy bear! i still hold on to it. i still have it on my bed, one of my sleep companions every night. thank God, it's a bit bigger to be lost anywhere.
those are my keepsakes. my sentimentally valuable keepsakes given by my three cherished best friends. whom had moved on beautifully with their lives. Elya is married and expecting her first baby this march. Maria is married and blessed with a cute little boy named Adam whom i haven't yet met, except through pictures in facebook. Fad is also married and expecting her first baby somewhere close to elya's too, i think. see, how i don't know much actually, because catching-up with friends is a failed course in my book. however much i miss them. and i regret that. but still, i hold on to the excuse that i don't want to bother them. as long as i know they are happy, that is enough for me. and so i sit here, missing them, and keeping our memories together close in my heart, with and without the keepsakes, for the sake of a beautiful friendship i'll treasure forever.

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