Friday, March 11, 2011


i woke up this morning and thought that i should write about this. i've been holding it up inside for so long, it felt like i was bursting. this morning i thought that was the last straw. i do have something to say about this. i do. when i opened the blogger just now, (which i haven't done for quite some time, so sorry for that), that burst abruptly died down. i felt nothing. staring at the page and feeling nothing. i felt like it was just a small matter, what's the use of saying it out loud here? i've been saying it over and over, still people won't take heed. what's the use of wasting an entry here? still, this is my blog, this is where i share my thoughts when i can't say them out loud verbally. so here it goes, again. damn.
stress. what is stress? some people say stress is good. but too much of it is bad. can make you sick and tired and eventually go crazy. many people, me included, have more stress at work than at home. home is where you rest, you relax, you expect it to be stress-free, and for me, Thank God, it still is. work? not so much.
seriously, i don't mind the work so much. i don't mind the fact that the level of work increases from day to day, everyday. i don't mind having to do new thing everyday. for me, more work, more things to learn. i truly believe that. i don't mind the lady boss exhausts me with more things to do, because i truly appreciate the knowledge that comes with it. what makes me sick and tired is the daily conversations we go through.
suddenly it's back to me being single when others around me are coupling around and procreating. suddenly it's the desperate issue on why i'm still single. suddenly i'm the stupidly-grinning sidekick whose master is desperate to find a partner for. suddenly i'm paraded around with a desperate question can-somebody-please-find-someone-for-her-and-quick-because-she's-not-that-young-anymore. suddenly i'm back as the unwanted listener to talks of marriages and babies and bedroom jumbo-mumbos. i seriously, seriously thought i got over that.
before this, i've come to learn to calm myself, to let go of all the jealousy and accept circumstances. before this, i've stopped being jealous because talks like those have ceased and slowed down. now, it's back in full swing, and i really feel like slamming door onto someone's face. anyone.
well, of course i don't do that. of course i just continue being my cheerful-self, stupidly making funny faces when talks of bedroom scenario falls into my ears, making outrageously dumb jokes when talks of married life comes to my hearing. of course i swallow it all, though it tastes very bitter to my throat, and keep on grinning like an idiot, which of course, i am. the idiot who can't seem to find someone for herself.
you have no idea how hard it was for me to overcome all this before. you have no idea how it feels like knowing everyone around me moves on beautifully with their lives while i'm still here, the idiot who got stuck. you. have. no. idea...
so now, i'm back at ground zero. and the twin tower of desperate questions are crashing straight down towards me with full speed.
one, i can say proudly, i evaded. only one. happened a few days ago, when the lady boss and a colleague of mine who just recently broken-up with her boyfriend and is 2 years younger than me were out having lunch. the lady boss asked The question: bila la korang ni nak dapat pakwe? i smilingly answered her: saya tak nak pakwe, lady boss, saya nak suami. kalau saya nak pakwe, dah lama kut dah ade. that got a smile on her face and she said: kenapa? tak layak? i just smiled and shook my head. bukan tak layak. it was never a matter of tak layak. it's not me who decide layak tak layak. who am i to decide that? i have my flaws too. everyone does. i'm not perfect and thus i can't decide layak ke tak layak.
it's more a matter of me being ready or not. it's a matter of the guy being the one i'm looking for or not. but of course i can't answer that to her. it won't be an easy task trying to explain to her all that. it won't be easy explaining to you what i'm looking for in a man. at times, i can't even explain it to myself. lack of experience might be one of the causes for that complication in deciding what i look for, but heck, what i lack in experience, i make up in observation. i observe people around me, something the lady boss scorn at, saying observing is not the same as experiencing. whatever. do i sound like i care?
so yeah, i never had a boyfriend, like i said, i never want to have a boyfriend. i never believe in couple, dating, whatever. i don't believe in love before marriage. i believe in love after marriage, something the lady boss scorn at too. i mean, what the heck is she having now, if not love after marriage? duh! anyway, you're free to think me old-fashioned, but that's what i hold on to, that's what i look for.
that's that. and then comes the talk about babies. so, yeah, i know about babies. i have 6 nieces and 3 nephews and 2 more on the way with gender still yet unknown. i doted on every single one of them when they were babies and still do when they are now grown-up. so, i know a bit here and there about kids. does that make me want to have children of my own? heck yeah! will that make me snatch any man around just to have those little ones to hold? heck no! so, please, don't act all weird when i say things about babies, or seem to be all-knowing about them. it's just that i truly know and i got that from experience, mind you. it's not easy being knowing and not sharing, so that's what i do. i share.
i'm happy when my friends have kids of their own, jealous even, but that does not make me desperate for a man. for me, having a baby is not just having something to cuddle and play with, i can do that with my teddies, really. having a baby is so much more. it's your responsibility to teach him/her to live. and the lives ahead as i see it, is not so easy anymore. you can't be satisfied by teaching them how and what to eat, what to read, how to behave. you have to teach them how to be the future leader in this world, which is so close to its end and huddled with so many distractions, so many damages and social corruptions. and since i don't think i'm strong or wise enough to teach little ones how to go through all that, i need a man who can. and not just any man can do that, right?
yes, i want a husband, not just a husband here, but hopefully, God willing, he will also be the husband in the hereafter. who can guide me and future generation if any, towards the life that lasts forever, in the hereafter. that is this humble person's ambition all along. is it so wrong to have that kind of ambition? is it wrong to aim far down the road, towards the end and beyond it? is it wrong for a girl like me to have more purposes in life than just trying to settle down with a family? is it wrong for a girl like me to be cautious? my purpose is the future. i don't settle. i have ambition to help the future, as long as God gives me ability to breathe. and if i'm destined to do it alone, so be it. if there is someone to help me along the way, God willing, i'll be grateful.
do i sound like an idiot to you now? for wanting all that and having to wait a wee bit longer since it's a lil' bit difficult to find such a someone who can help me get through these days of distractions, damages and social corruptions? for wanting the future of the garden in the hereafter, not the fire?
just please, idiot or no idiot, i've had enough. please, please, pretty please (i'm asking nicely now), please STOP asking, STOP talking, STOP promoting about things beyond your control. please. before i go crazy. before i ask you twice. because then, it won't be nice anymore.

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