I don't wanna be...

Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately.... ooops, that sounds awfully familiar. Yup, lyrics from gavin degraw’s i don’t want to be, 1 tree hill theme song, eheh! Well, i don’t want to talk about the song, i want to talk about what i don’t want to be:

1. A hypocrite. One heck of a job to do that. We are all a bit of hypocrites here and there with our own twisted reasons and excuses.

2. A brag. I hate bragging. If u’re good at something, prove it, don’t talk about it yet until it’s there, plain for everyone to see.

3. A goody-goody two, three, four, five, six, seven and so on- shoes.

4. A snob

5. A lazy ass. One heck of a job too. I am lazy.

6. A back-stabbing friend

7. An ungrateful person

8. An unforgiving individual

9. A forgetful person.

10. A kissing-ass b%!@#

11. A psycho

12. Alone

13. A grunge holder (?)

14. Jealous

15. Bad

16. Awful

17. Bad-mouthing anyone to anyone

18. Scared anymore

19. Loveless

20. Lifeless

21. Boring

22. Dull

23. Losing my sense of humour, which i sense is close, and that is bad. Bad. Bad.

24. Helpless

25. Hopeless

26. Clueless

27. Without aim

28. Aimless. Damn, that’s the same thing.

29. In a writer’s-block mode, but apparently, here i am.

30. Misguided into doing what i don’t want to do and pretending i like doing it.

31. Losing interest in my work, but sadly, that is what’s happening now.

32. Chained, figuratively. I’m a free-soul, held down too tightly now, though.

33. Restless, but i am, all the time

34. Stressed. Huh! Who wants that?!

35. A blur of existence. I want to exist and mean something to someone, clearly

36. Lost

37. A coward. But, uh, i am.

38. Losing my feeling

39. Reading without understanding

40. Watching without seeing

41. Losing interest in helping people.

42. Stuck in the past, but ops, i am.

43. Unforgiven

44. Hated, though i’m good at provoking someone to hate me, really.

45. Here and not there...

46. Anything other than what i’ve been trying to be lately, all i have to do is sing to me and i have a peace of mind, i’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what i got to do, or who i’m supposed to be, i don’t want to be anything other than... me. Yeah, gavin degraw’s again. His is the best definition and explanation.

There. In conclusion, i don’t want to be a lot of things. But most of the time that ‘a lot of things’ is just me. I’m not perfect. I have my vulnerabilities. I have insecurities. I have doubts. I have fear. Those make up who I am. I’m not saying I am all those things. Some i really hate to be and really try not to be. But there are some that i can’t help not to be. It’s just me.

I don’t want to be a lot of things. But, to put it simply, i sure as heck don’t want to be other than me.