Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lackluster Life...

There’s a fire burning,
Inspired you to words,
There’s a wave curling,
Brought you back up to stand.

There’s a highway,
Enthused you with speed,
There’s a drama,
Ignited you up from sleep.

It’s been a while now…

There’s a leaf falling,
Captivating you,
Yet you don’t wonder where it can possibly land,
Your eyes only follow its boring flight.

There’s a sad song in your head,
Forced tears in your eyes,
Yet you refuse to wake up to reality,
Caught in the impossible dreams, you foolishly created.

It’s been a while now and you wonder…

How you fill your days with work you don’t enjoy,
How you fill your nights with thoughts you can’t say,
How ever can you stand such a routine?
How ever can you lead such a lackluster life?
How ever did you land here in the first place?

It’s been a while now…

There you are,
With an idol to look up to,
But you spoil the chance of awakening,
By falling in love with that image, that idol so far away.

There you are,
With hopes so high upon the stars,
Dreams so lost, you give up on achieving,
You lose in the game of determination, before you even start to compete with him.

It’s been a while now…

There you were,
Inspired by a fire burning, a wave calling,
Formed words so true to heart,
So brave and determined to fight a boring flight of life.

There you were,
Caught in the race for success,
Laughed and cried through the way,
So ignorant of boredom, when you’re so full of life.

It’s been a while now and…

Once in a while you remember,
That speed on the highway,
That drama when you’re awake,
Once in a while you wonder,
Where that leaf might fall,
When might your life be filled again with luster?

Penned by: Rodhiah Rahman, 150508…
wow, wee, i'm all about poems these days, aren't i? hehe... this one i wrote, yup, you got it, in 2008. i was already working at that time, doing practical. during our practical, we had to be attached at several units at the hospital and at the enforcement unit where we were exposed to the work of drug enforcement officer. at this time when i wrote this poem, i was attached at the enforcement unit. Most of the time we were here, it’s either we were out checking people’s licenses or retails’ licenses or unregistered drugs or we were stuck at the office, doing practically nothing. In this case when i wrote this poem, it was the latter. Usually when we were stuck here, we switched on our laptops, did assignments or reports and surfed the net, thanks to the wireless available. At that time, i was too bored, too... empty... i guess, to even think of doing those. And suddenly i came up with this poem.
Basically it was about boredom. How at that point of time, i found nothing interesting whatsoever with my life. How i have this dream of doing something in my life that is not what i’m doing everyday for a living. A dream career. Something totally different, totally off the course of clinical. Something unexpected, but exciting and creative and open my mind broader. Just something else to bring back the light to my life. I didn’t find it then. But i found ways to overcome my boringness, with work and chats with friends. That was then.
This is now. The reason i dig back this poem is because i’m back at that point again. At that point of boredom. Only this time i found the ‘something totally different’ that i’ve been searching to do. The only problem is i lost interest in what i actually do for a living, and concentrated more on this dream of mine which is not even that sure to be realized someday. And in doing so, i neglected my duties, i took my day job for granted, moreover when i have an increase of staff, i passed around work, i surfed the net and chatted with friends online unnecessarily and at some point when suddenly my responsibility as an officer called for a solution from a mistake done by I-don’t-even-know-who, i raised a voice to a staff which made her cry. Something I regret now and will regret for the rest of my life.
I would have gone on, being bad, if not for friends who woke me up from this nightmare i didn’t even realize i had. Because they had started to talk behind my back. And that was never good. That was nightmare. People won’t talk good things about you behind your back. I learned that the hard way a looong time ago. It would always be bad things. Good things they always say face-to-face. Compliments. Kissing a%$es, whatever. I never like compliments, anyway. And i don’t like people talking behind my back too. So, it’s better to just don’t talk about me at all, huh?
But this time, it was me who did wrong. So, basically, i digged this poem again. Something to make me realize, i’ve been there before. I’ve been bored, empty, clueless, hopeless to what my life is directing me to. I’m slowly learning to go to the right direction, but even so, i realize now, i can’t neglect the ones i’ve been doing along the way. Like the old saying; ‘jangan nanti yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran’. So true.
I hurt people with my sharp tongue, oh yeah, that i did. I tried so hard not to, though. Most of the times, i’ll just be making jokes. That’s my way to restrain myself from being sharp, from talking bad about people. I make jokes only in three conditions. First, when i really like making them, when i sincerely want to listen to my friends laugh. Second, when i’m not comfortable with what people are talking around me. Third, when i don’t like the topic people are discussing around me, at all. And the third situation happened a lot at work. Talks of married life, pregnancies somehow drained my energy, because i’m not there yet. And because, deep down, there’s jealousy eating inside me. So yeah, i made jokes, sarcastic sometimes, and i grew lazier and lazier to work. And my mind focused more on the dream i’m trying to achieve, to distract me from those endless talks.
But then, along the way of realizing my dream, i come closer to God. And slowly that jealousy slipped away. Slowly, because there still is a bit of it inside. It’s a good vibe, though. You do need a bit of jealousy to keep you going. Jealous of kind people, will make you try to be kind too. Jealous of successful people will make you try to be successful too. If you take it the right way, do it the right way, with Allah’s guidance. And also i realized, i can’t be improving my relationship with God only, i have to improve my relationship with human too, with people. Habluminallah and Habluminannas. We can’t have either one. We have to take care of both. I realize that now. And that’s what i’m trying to do, now.
Like so many things in life, it works both ways. There’s a balance on everything we do, i realize that now. You can’t concentrate too much on one work, while neglecting the other which is most of the time more important, however lack in luster it is. So, i’m trying to remedy that. And in doing so, slowly the light will come back. I trust it will. It does already, bit by bit. I no longer feel trapped to go to work everyday, no longer feel frustrated, bored even, so that is saying something, isn’t it? :)


  1. i dont know what happen, but, be strong! just like i did..hehe..only Allah knows how i have been hanging on all this while...good post anyway...

  2. back to u, girl... be strong!! together we strive.. hahaha!!