Friday, June 3, 2011


Ta’aruf tu kalau ikut maknanya ialah saling kenal-mengenal. Merangkumi segala bentuk perkenalan, antara lelaki dengan perempuan, antara sahabat, antara saudara-mara selepas sesi jejak kasih. Apa saja bentuk perkenalan yang dianjurkan oleh Islam. Tapi, masyarakat kita dah pandang ta’aruf itu pada satu makna saja, iaitu perkenalan antara lelaki dan perempuan. Lebih spesifik lagi, kononnya antara lelaki dan perempuan yang ada intention untuk spend the rest of their lives together, yeah, yeah, simply said, to get married.
This entry is not going to talk about ta’aruf. Kerana saya bersetuju dengan makna ta’aruf yang asal, iaitu saling kenal-mengenal. Full stop. This is an entry about perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan. This topic came about after a short discussion i had with a few colleagues of mine a few weeks ago, about this. Dan sebab sinonimnya pemikiran ramai bahawa ta’aruf itu adalah spesifik ke arah ni, saya letak tajuknya seperti itu. bear in mind, the meaning of the word is broader than that.
So, back to perkenalan antara lelaki dengan perempuan.
I was telling my colleagues that i don’t really believe in dating, atas dasar nak berkenalan sebelum kahwin. I have quite a strong opposition against the idea of dating and couple, clouded with the famous excuse of ‘to get to know each other’. Perlu ke ‘get to know each other’ dengan bergayut/berchatting/bermesej/ sampai ke pukul tiga empat pagi, talking nonsense and NOT getting to know each other at all? ye la, berapa kerat couples that you know yang share their likes and dislikes, their wisdom and thoughts, their ups and downs, their goodness and their flaws? Ada, yeah, sikit. The rest, banyak yang cover up their flaws, their dislikes, their different opinions on things, just for the sake of impressing the so-called ‘other half’. Banyak yang spend 90% of the conversations on praising each other (you cantik/handsome/pandai/smart/cute/lawa), saying i miss you, i love you, rindu la, sayang awak and asking breakfast tadi makan apa, lunch tadi makan apa, dinner tadi makan apa, ni dah dekat nak subuh nak supper apa and the words go on, pusing balik macam tadi. Bila dah macam tu, adakah itu namanya berkenal-kenalan?
Hm... well, maybe i was just being sceptic. But that is the typical scenario these days. And i am frank enough to say that i don’t like it. And so i said to my colleagues, i don’t mind not getting to know my other-half before marriage. As long as God shows me he’s the right one. Who am I to doubt that, right?
But then, my colleague’s counterattack was quite an impressive one. He put in an example of an acquaintance we had sometimes ago, who was abused by her husband, the one she married before truly getting to know him (code words here: tak pernah ‘couple’). So, that got me to think. Is couple the answer? I still don’t think it is. Then, what is? Is the perkenalan sebelum berkahwin itu truly necessary? If abusing cases like that are taken into account, i’d say very much necessary. So, then, what to do?
It goes on to not whether or not perkenalan itu perlu, but it goes on to HOW we do it. And still i’d like to emphasize, couple is still not the answer. There is a way to do it honourably. And that’s where we were suddenly introduced to the word ta’aruf. Bila perkataan dah bunyi arab sikit, mula la ingat benda tu dah betul. Mula la satu perkataan dengan makna yang innocent disalahgunakan untuk menghalalkan apa yang sebenarnya haram.
For me, couple is NOT ta’aruf. Couple is not the answer. Dalam Islam memang tak de istilah couple. Dah berkoyan-koyan artikel yang terbitkan yang emphasize pasal ni. Susah sangat ye nak paham?
In Islam, getting to know each other before marrying is allowed. But, do it honourably. The guy will bring his family to see the girl’s family, ask permission and get to know each other. When it’s necessary for the two of them to meet, someone else must be there as chaperone, preferably a close family. No need of chatting, messaging, gayuting, whatever. Simple. Clean. There won’t be unnecessary praises and stupid repeated questions when seated together with family like that. The true thing about each other will come out in the open, each likes and dislikes, each opinions and thoughts, each goodness and flaws. There is no need for trying hard to impress since both families are already aware of the situation. Tengah dalam proses nak berkenalan. That is the true meaning and the right way of berkenalan. Susah ke nak buat? I don’t know. Ask yourself. It’s the ideal way. Tapi susah betul nak cari ketika zaman dunia dah nak kiamat ni...
For me, it’s pretty simple. I might be seen as a modern girl who watches too many Hollywood movies and read too many romances before. But, when it comes to deciding who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with, i’m still the old-fashioned, conventional, budak pingitan melayu macam zaman dulu-dulu. I won’t be impressed with the words ‘will you marry me’, however special you make the proposal is, however sore your knees are for kneeling. I’ll be impressed if you’re there, with your family, meeting mine and do it honourably. I’ll be impressed if you do that because you know it’s the right thing to do and because you know that is how we do it in Islam, and most importantly, you do it because you want to gain His blessings. That will impress me. Whether or not you’ll be accepted, that’s not for me alone to decide. It’s still His work.
So, scold me for being old-fashioned, i won’t budge. I’m trying to do it the right way. And that’s the only way i know to ‘berkenal-kenalan’. The only way I approve of because i’m trying to do what Allah wants me to do. What He will approve me of doing.
Because for me, the fact is this: nak cari suami dunia tu mungkin senang. Nak cari suami dunia DAN akhirat tu yang susah. Wallahualam.

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