my weaknesses...

To whom this may be of concern... semua orang ada kelemahan. and this, sadly, is the list of mine...

1. saya tak reti masak. dan bukan masak benda bombastik mana pun, masak nasi pun saya tak reti mana. and to make it even worse, saya MALAS nak masak. entah nak buat apa nak jadi rajin, tapi memang susah nak ke dapur untuk saja-saja nak masak. memang malu la bila tengok Junior Masterchef Australia, tapi still tak jadi rajin jugak. still tak belajar jugak.


2. saya malas kemas rumah. kalau menyapu sekali seminggu tu kira rajin la tu. i hate the dust and the dirt, and when i clean i do it vigorously, but sadly, not frequently.


3. saya manja. hahaha.. i admit it, that is so true. yang seronok bila duduk dengan mak ayah, they spoil me. beyond reason. and i take that to my best advantage. baju mak basuh, kadang-kadang pinggan makan pun mak basuh. bukan tak reti buat sendiri, tapi, yeah, manja.


4. bila tengok cerita kegemaran atau baca buku kegemaran memang saya tune out everything else. mak ayah ajak bercakap pun kadang-kadang saya buat dunno je. teruk? yeah. dengar tak dengar je la apa yang dia orang cakap. kesian dia orang....


5. saya suka berangan. make it KUAT berangan. especially time dengar lagu favorite, time melangut dalam toilet, time lepas dengar cerita best atau tengok cerita best. most of the time angan-angan tu boleh jadi diulang-ulang untuk berhari-hari, berbulan-bulan lamanya. especially if it involves a guy who falls (and to quote clay from one tree hill, season 7) insanely in love with me. macam-macam senario yang ada... sad-ending, happy-ending.. my imagination can leap all boundaries, seriously. hahaha... which brings me to the next weakness...


6. i'm a hopeless romantic. ashamed to admit that, but it's true. stories i write would be proof enough, but that is another weakness i'll tell later. saya still nangis kalau tengok cerita Shah Rukh Khan yang sedih-sedih, akan berair mata bila tengok cerita yang touch my heart, baca cerita yang touch my heart, dengar lagu yang touch my heart. dan tak semestinya cerita romantik pun. I cried watching Seabiscuit for the hundredth time and if you think crying for a horse is a romantic, there's something wrong with you. heh!


7. i'm paranoid. a bit insecure, maybe. i don't go through a day without thinking that somebody is displeased with me.


8. when i look into the mirror, there are time i like what i see, there are time when i don't.


9. saya ada blackheads, banyak, on my nose. hidden in pictures, but not so much when you look at me in the flesh. i hate them, and even more when people take notice, but then what the heck should i do? they want to be there.


10. seeing weakness number 9, you should think that i'm not much of a girl who takes good care of her appearance. yeah, that is true too. i might be using one of the most expensive facial products in the market, but my compliance is poor. nak jimat satu hal, but most part of it is just because saya malas. haha...


11. saya malas. that pretty much sums it all. saya malas buat benda yang saya patut buat, tapi rajin buat benda lain. a bit twisted, if you ask me.


12. saya suka tidur. saya suka tidur lepas subuh (so not very good) and suka bangun lambat. dan saya malas bangun pagi.


13. saya penakut. saya tulis cerita, finished quite a few, tapi still can't find the courage to submit for publishing. i have a publisher in mind, but i just can't get myself to do it. isk!


14. saya takut katak pisang. fobia, actually. lipas tak sangat, tapi katak, yes.


15. saya suka bercakap dengan teddies saya. entah la, lagi senang kut nak luahkan hati pada benda yang tak de respons, sebab dia tak boleh bagi respons yang kita tak nak. dengar je dengan muka blank. and oh, sometimes, i make them talk back to me. respons yang saya nak. haha... yup, psychiatric ward, here i come.


16. saya suka lelaki pakai cap. tak tau kenapa. sebab mike shinoda pakai cap kut. and sebab abang-abang saya pun suka pakai cap (note the fact that my brothers come second to shinoda, hehe! sorry bros!)


17. kids and babies. they are one of my weaknesses. it's just that there's something in the innocent look on their faces that make me want to shield them from the harshness of today's world, and feel helpless when i can't.


18. saya tak suka iron baju, dan benda yang paling saya tak suka selepas tu adalah lipat baju. then jemur baju. basuh, hm... mesin yg buat, so no comment, heh!


19. i'm jealous. kadang-kadang tak terkawal. jealous dengan kawan yang kahwin, sampai satu tahap i refuse to go to weddings. jealous dengan kawan yang dapat baby, but then babies are my soft spot, so i fall in love with them anyway.


20. i curse. badly. okay, mungkin sekarang dah tukar la. shit jadi shoot, hell jadi heck, fu#$ jadi ffff, but still, i curse. bad mouth. bad, bad mouth.


21. saya suka bawak kereta laju. heh, many people who know me would agree with me on that one without a blink of hesitation. hehe. susah benar nak let go of this one particular habit. it's the rush, i guess. and the fact that kalau saya tension, marah, upset, sedih, driving soothes me down. with the highest possible speed that i dare. and the loudest music that suits the current mood.


22. saya terasa nak migrate ke negara lain. preferably Australia. i've been there, and i think i like the environment. the boundary is clear. nak jelaskan hukum kat sana mudah sebab bezanya jelas. putih, hitam, islam, bukan islam. tak gray macam kat sini. islam, islam tapi tak amalkan islam, bukan islam. kabur kenapa wujudnya islam yang tak amalkan islam dekat the so-called islamic country. and i want to escape the dirty, foul-mouthed and blue-minded politics too. sick and tired of it. at least kat negara orang, we can pretend ignorance. kat negara sendiri, it's a responsibility that i surely don't want to be heaved onto these incapable shoulders. so, escape. yeah, cowardice, i know. but then, better dari bersubahat dengan benda yang salah, tak ke gitu?


23. apparently, i'm good at making people hate me. one obvious example, somebody hates me so much that he deleted the comment i made on his facebook status and made a comment about it on his NEXT status. hah! well, i guess, it's all for the best. better he hates me than me trying to force him into being someone he's not. just regretting that he's not accepting or realising my apology, that's all.


24. i don't believe in love... okay, rephrasing that. i'm SCARED of love. being a hopeless romantic that i am, i can't say i don't believe in it, i'm just scared. of that particular emotion. i'm scared of loving someone so much, i forget to love Him. i'm scared if someone loves me and i can't live up to the expectation.


25. i'm selfish. and sometimes i become too proud of myself of what i've achieved and scold myself after that for being such an arrogant (even only thinking or feeling it without showing it) person.


26. hm... what else? setakat ni tu je yang boleh terfikir. banyak dah jugak tu. people who know me might be able to list more, i think. er... hehe...

it's possible to say that by listing my weaknesses and being aware of them is a kelebihan in itself. but then, that is just one kelebihan versus 25++ kelemahan. the numbers still say it all, huh?

now you know the deal. go run and scoot for cover. thank you for reading.

stress....

i woke up this morning and thought that i should write about this. i've been holding it up inside for so long, it felt like i was bursting. this morning i thought that was the last straw. i do have something to say about this. i do. when i opened the blogger just now, (which i haven't done for quite some time, so sorry for that), that burst abruptly died down. i felt nothing. staring at the page and feeling nothing. i felt like it was just a small matter, what's the use of saying it out loud here? i've been saying it over and over, still people won't take heed. what's the use of wasting an entry here? still, this is my blog, this is where i share my thoughts when i can't say them out loud verbally. so here it goes, again. damn.
stress. what is stress? some people say stress is good. but too much of it is bad. can make you sick and tired and eventually go crazy. many people, me included, have more stress at work than at home. home is where you rest, you relax, you expect it to be stress-free, and for me, Thank God, it still is. work? not so much.
seriously, i don't mind the work so much. i don't mind the fact that the level of work increases from day to day, everyday. i don't mind having to do new thing everyday. for me, more work, more things to learn. i truly believe that. i don't mind the lady boss exhausts me with more things to do, because i truly appreciate the knowledge that comes with it. what makes me sick and tired is the daily conversations we go through.
suddenly it's back to me being single when others around me are coupling around and procreating. suddenly it's the desperate issue on why i'm still single. suddenly i'm the stupidly-grinning sidekick whose master is desperate to find a partner for. suddenly i'm paraded around with a desperate question can-somebody-please-find-someone-for-her-and-quick-because-she's-not-that-young-anymore. suddenly i'm back as the unwanted listener to talks of marriages and babies and bedroom jumbo-mumbos. i seriously, seriously thought i got over that.
before this, i've come to learn to calm myself, to let go of all the jealousy and accept circumstances. before this, i've stopped being jealous because talks like those have ceased and slowed down. now, it's back in full swing, and i really feel like slamming door onto someone's face. anyone.
well, of course i don't do that. of course i just continue being my cheerful-self, stupidly making funny faces when talks of bedroom scenario falls into my ears, making outrageously dumb jokes when talks of married life comes to my hearing. of course i swallow it all, though it tastes very bitter to my throat, and keep on grinning like an idiot, which of course, i am. the idiot who can't seem to find someone for herself.
you have no idea how hard it was for me to overcome all this before. you have no idea how it feels like knowing everyone around me moves on beautifully with their lives while i'm still here, the idiot who got stuck. you. have. no. idea...
so now, i'm back at ground zero. and the twin tower of desperate questions are crashing straight down towards me with full speed.
one, i can say proudly, i evaded. only one. happened a few days ago, when the lady boss and a colleague of mine who just recently broken-up with her boyfriend and is 2 years younger than me were out having lunch. the lady boss asked The question: bila la korang ni nak dapat pakwe? i smilingly answered her: saya tak nak pakwe, lady boss, saya nak suami. kalau saya nak pakwe, dah lama kut dah ade. that got a smile on her face and she said: kenapa? tak layak? i just smiled and shook my head. bukan tak layak. it was never a matter of tak layak. it's not me who decide layak tak layak. who am i to decide that? i have my flaws too. everyone does. i'm not perfect and thus i can't decide layak ke tak layak.
it's more a matter of me being ready or not. it's a matter of the guy being the one i'm looking for or not. but of course i can't answer that to her. it won't be an easy task trying to explain to her all that. it won't be easy explaining to you what i'm looking for in a man. at times, i can't even explain it to myself. lack of experience might be one of the causes for that complication in deciding what i look for, but heck, what i lack in experience, i make up in observation. i observe people around me, something the lady boss scorn at, saying observing is not the same as experiencing. whatever. do i sound like i care?
so yeah, i never had a boyfriend, like i said, i never want to have a boyfriend. i never believe in couple, dating, whatever. i don't believe in love before marriage. i believe in love after marriage, something the lady boss scorn at too. i mean, what the heck is she having now, if not love after marriage? duh! anyway, you're free to think me old-fashioned, but that's what i hold on to, that's what i look for.
that's that. and then comes the talk about babies. so, yeah, i know about babies. i have 6 nieces and 3 nephews and 2 more on the way with gender still yet unknown. i doted on every single one of them when they were babies and still do when they are now grown-up. so, i know a bit here and there about kids. does that make me want to have children of my own? heck yeah! will that make me snatch any man around just to have those little ones to hold? heck no! so, please, don't act all weird when i say things about babies, or seem to be all-knowing about them. it's just that i truly know and i got that from experience, mind you. it's not easy being knowing and not sharing, so that's what i do. i share.
i'm happy when my friends have kids of their own, jealous even, but that does not make me desperate for a man. for me, having a baby is not just having something to cuddle and play with, i can do that with my teddies, really. having a baby is so much more. it's your responsibility to teach him/her to live. and the lives ahead as i see it, is not so easy anymore. you can't be satisfied by teaching them how and what to eat, what to read, how to behave. you have to teach them how to be the future leader in this world, which is so close to its end and huddled with so many distractions, so many damages and social corruptions. and since i don't think i'm strong or wise enough to teach little ones how to go through all that, i need a man who can. and not just any man can do that, right?
yes, i want a husband, not just a husband here, but hopefully, God willing, he will also be the husband in the hereafter. who can guide me and future generation if any, towards the life that lasts forever, in the hereafter. that is this humble person's ambition all along. is it so wrong to have that kind of ambition? is it wrong to aim far down the road, towards the end and beyond it? is it wrong for a girl like me to have more purposes in life than just trying to settle down with a family? is it wrong for a girl like me to be cautious? my purpose is the future. i don't settle. i have ambition to help the future, as long as God gives me ability to breathe. and if i'm destined to do it alone, so be it. if there is someone to help me along the way, God willing, i'll be grateful.
do i sound like an idiot to you now? for wanting all that and having to wait a wee bit longer since it's a lil' bit difficult to find such a someone who can help me get through these days of distractions, damages and social corruptions? for wanting the future of the garden in the hereafter, not the fire?
just please, idiot or no idiot, i've had enough. please, please, pretty please (i'm asking nicely now), please STOP asking, STOP talking, STOP promoting about things beyond your control. please. before i go crazy. before i ask you twice. because then, it won't be nice anymore.